Ok, I'm feeling like a teenager...

I've been studying in the same spot at my University's library for the past five years. Last Monday afternoon, a guy came over and sat beside me in an empty seat. As I was getting ready to leave, I stood up to grab my bag and noticed that he was studying Arabic, which is my native language. Out of curiosity, I asked him what he was studying and he proceeded to tell me how he's studying International Studies with a concentration in the Middle East. He introduced himself to me and we ended up having a great conversation for at least 15 minutes before I excused myself and we said our goodbyes.

The next night, I was sitting in a nearby location and when I looked up, I saw him approaching me. I was surprised to see him to say the least but smiled and waved back out of politeness. When I went to grab something to eat from the vending machine an hour later, I noticed that he had been sitting beside me for the past hour without me even realizing it. When I got back to my seat, he took off his headphones and initiated conversation which lasted over an hour. Throughout the conversation, he kept repeating that he was 29 years of age and how he was "much older than me" even though I am a 26 year old graduate student (I didn't tell him my age, but I think he wanted to see my reaction), how he served in the Air Force and is now back in school ready to finish up his Bachelor's next Spring. In short, we talked about everything, laughed so much and I felt a strong connection between the two of us. He told me that it was "great seeing me" and walked out of the library with me even though he had only been there for an hour to study. Prior to saying goodbye, he asked me what time I usually get to the library and I told him around 7 pm. We carried on a short conversation before we went our separate ways (how he wants me to help him with his studying), and every time I'd try to go my own way, he'd drag on the conversation. Needless to say, there was tremendous chemistry and I felt like I was beginning to really like him.

The following day (Wednesday), I came in a little earlier than usual and around 7 pm, he walks in. Because my dad flew into town to visit me, I had to leave early and on my way out, I came over to say hello. Well, the conversation ended up lasting for three hours. Right before leaving, I told him that I was probably not going to come in the following day because I'd be busy and he told me that he'd be here all weekend anyway. I originally told him the day before that I worked weekends and couldn't study then, but said OK anyway and I didn't expect to see him for a while.

I didn't see him for about four days, and when I saw him this Sunday night, he looked very caught off guard when I went over to say hi. He told me that he was entrenched in this paper, how he had a lot of homework to do and seemed very aloof and distant. The entire time he kept rubbing his hair, scratching his eye and when I told him that I wouldn't bother him, he just kind of awkwardly smiled. I felt awkward and as though I was an inconvenience to him. He told me that my favorite seat had been taken and offered me to sit across him, but I told him I was going to the third floor to use a computer instead. We said goodbye, but I felt a very strange feeling from that conversation. Well, for the past three/four nights, I have not seen him come in at all. He told me that he's usually in the library regularly, but I can't help but think he's uninterested.

Do I have a right to feel disappointed? I know I don't know him well enough to know his circumstances, but could it be that I'm too much of a distraction, or was I just crazy in the beginning to think that there had been chemistry? He told me that he's always at the library because he can't study anywhere else, but with his unusual demeanor the other night and his absence, I can't help but feel like either I'm an inconvenience for him or that he just isn't interested or ever was to begin with.

Most college students... really do take their study serious. And members of the opposite sex really are a serious distraction (speaking as someone who has been there and knows that to be a fact). Give the cost of tuition and books, they take it far more serious than those who have someone else pay their education costs. Even those who find classes to be easier than some others do. Maybe he came to remember that fact. Also, having been in the Military he has a far sense of discipline than someone who has never had to support themselves. Its also possible he does have a full time job to pay his bills and trying to take classes as well (even if the GI BIll is paying for the classes... its a very difficult task to do both also speaking as someone who did it both ways first two years living with mom, the second two years supporting myself but paying for college myself the entire time).

Focus on your studies... there will be plenty of time after you graduate. That's probibly exactly what he's thinking.

It does seem a little odd that this new 'friend' was coming across as very friendly, and equally enjoyed long conversations with you, and like you, looked forward to the next conversation- then he suddenly retreated.

Think of it as a short and sweet connection, that shorted out. It doesn't exist anymore, and if it were to start up again, I'd be wondering if it was worth pursuing a friendship past a simple 'hello how have you been'- brief, and nothing more.

And I think that all of us have had those special connections in our lives, and then suddenly, it's gone, and you miss it, and wonder why it stopped.

There could never be an answer, or any understanding of what it really was, or why it happened, or if you did something wrong, or said something wrong, or any other number of things. Maybe you had spinach stuck between your teeth- who knows.

Best to just leave this one go, and move on and keep doing what you need to do to graduate.

I'm a concrete person. I look for easily defined reasons for things.
In this situation, it's anybody's guess, but of course you are puzzled and a bit hurt. Good thing it didn't go further.
So what I would do is chalk it up to SOMETHING concrete, and I might pick that he is only interested in what you might do for him to help him in his studies. Brutal and quick. I might even embellish that with a fantasy that he is either in the CIA or training for it. No emotional attachments! How's that for a little relief from pain?

I'm the kind of person who would wait a week and then walk up to him and say "I was a little hurt at first, but since you are going into the CIA, I changed my mind too" and then just laugh and walk away, instantly. He can either chase you down to protest or he can shrug it off. Done.

Of course I could be WAY OFF. There's a good possibility that after the 3 hour long conversation, he realized how easy it would be to let his studies suffer, pretty much what others said above. Another concrete reason, not so brutal.

At some point, did you get a phone number?

Of course, it appears there was something, but, seems after a couple meetings, someone would have talked to each other a lot more

Haha no I didn't receive any number or anything. I just mentioned how I was going to be absent on Thursday and he reassuringly said that he'd be here "all weekend." But when I saw him Sunday night, my interaction with him was just different than the previous interactions. He asked about my weekend, how "dad is doing" and told me that he had been in the library all weekend. He even mentioned how it was "nice and quiet" and got a lot of work done. We had a huge football game so I thought that's what he meant by "nice and quiet" (people were watching the game instead), but now I wouldn't even be surprised if it was an indirect jab. And he told me that he doesn't have the time to have a job because he's just too busy with school.

And as far as helping him with his studies, I offered to help him with his reading and he said that he was "too embarrassed to even try" in front of me.

Lol. So disappointing :/

Things like this happen.. maybe he was just being nice and pleasant... but wasn't really interested in anything more. For example.. I'm nice to everyone who is nice towrds me. Even when I was single... it didn't mean I was attracted to them or wanted more, if I wasn't it didn't mean anything derogatory towards them, just that I didn't feel a spark for some reason (sometimes it was looks, other times it was something about their personality or how they talked). Even if we did have nice conversations.

Only he knows his reasons..I'm just tossing out a few from a guys perspective.

You shouldn't be too disappointed, or take whatever went on personally because these are the mysterious ways of strangers at an initial meeting. His actions probably have NOTHING to do with you, and he knows as much about your true feelings, as you know of his... which is a big NOTHING! Of course you are a bit disappointed that you wanted a bit more, but didn't get it at this time for whatever reasons. Happens all the time with busy people who have their own lives.

Its shouldn't surprise you at all that two strangers could have chemistry and connect from the start which is common with human, but life brought you together for a brief time, and now has taken you apart before more can be learned, shared, or revealed and that's okay as long as you don't sink into taking it personally by making it ALL about you.

Just accept it as a pleasant, short, distraction in a routine of your life, and keep it in the proper perspective. Fantasy is okay as long as it doesn't cloud the reality, and what if's only fuel the fantasy that YOU seem to have created. I guess it is a little disappointing to be teased with the possibilities, but don't get carried away and stuck on it too long. So don't get carried away, and stuck on this brief event in your life. I doubt you will for very long as you in time deal with that disappointment.

It was rather fun while it lasted though wasn't it? I think we all hate to let go of a feel good moment. Only natural for those moments to linger in our minds until reality comes back into focus.

It will.

Maybe you are over thinking it. After all, he did invite you to sit across from him. He also mentioned that he was entrenched in his work. Perhaps he thought you were uninterested when you didn't take him up on the offer.

If you see him again, just acknowledge how busy you have both been, but that you really enjoyed talking with him and maybe he'd like to meet for coffee or something when he has some free time and would like a break from school work.

So I went to the library a moment ago after work to grab something from the basement. On my towards the stairwell, I passed by the circulation desk and saw him checking out something from the "2 hour loan" section. I kept walking and when I got to the stairwell, I quickly glanced back and thought he glanced over (not sure because I didn't have my glasses on) but kept going down the stairwell. When I got back up towards the area where I normay sit at, he wasn't there. So yes (naturally), I'm now beginning to think he is avoiding me.

You seem to be avoiding him too.

Now you are getting coy. Understandable this early in getting to know someone.

If you can't be direct about it, maybe saying something like "I have a feeling I got too hopeful about a friendship, sorry, but I'll get over it," then just do your best to put it all out of your mind. If he wants to talk again it's up to him now.

Again, it's possible that he saw you look at him, even saw that you noticed he was likely looking at you, and yet you kept walking away... without even a wave or smile. Why didn't you go up to him and say "Hi"? His response may have put your wondering to rest one way or the other.

I'd definitely say something the next time that you see him.

I guess you're right. Perhaps it's just a misunderstanding for the two of us. But I still don't understand why he feels the need to change his seat. Is that how guys react when they think someone is uninterested? To be continued...

'Is that how guys react when they think....'
WHOA! No generalizations apply here.
All sorts of alarms go off when a man or woman asks such a question. It shows that you think that men think a certain way (and women a certain way).

In 3 seconds I could think of 3 reasons why he might have changed after that 3 hour conversation. I mentioned 1. Others mentioned some too. You seem to jump right over them. Here's another: you said you had to leave because your father was in town, yet you stayed for 3 hours. If my father was in town, I sure wouldn't get up to go see him and then sit and talk for 3 hours. So maybe he didn't believe you, and started wondering if there was a boyfriend! That's far fetched, but ALL scenarios are, because you don't KNOW the truth. The point is that if you don't feel that you are at a stage where you can find out what he's thinking, then you have to force yourself to stop this obsessing. Unless you are willing to stick your neck out, this is all just another relationship that didn't quite happen, and you and we are all spinning our wheels. (I sincerely hope that 'to be continued' doesn't consist of yet more cryptic behavior that we are supposed to interpret.)

Don't make this into a soap opera drama with all this speculation, assuming and presuming. Just relax and go with the flow and see what happens while you go about your business. I think you are making this far bigger of a deal than it should be and should temper your expectations so you won't be disappointed, or confused.

You should have just asked when you saw him what was up with him. You didn't, so you can not know.

So I went to the library a moment ago after work to grab something from the basement. On my towards the stairwell, I passed by the circulation desk and saw him checking out something from the "2 hour loan" section. I kept walking and when I got to the stairwell, I quickly glanced back and thought he glanced over (not sure because I didn't have my glasses on) but kept going down the stairwell. When I got back up towards the area where I normay sit at, he wasn't there. So yes (naturally), I'm now beginning to think he is avoiding me.

From all you have said it appears he is really serious about his studies. He wasn't there because he was busy and going on his way. When you looked back and thought he looked at you, why didn't you give him a friendly wave ?

You really don't have too much experience with men in relationships do you. You are over thinking everything and not just doing something probably because you don't want to look silly or needy. Throw caution to the wind and ask him out for a coffee for heaven sake !

DoulaLC brought up an interesting point to which I was commenting on. This is a public forum which is addressing a specific concern that I have considering I don't have all the answers out there and appreciate outside feedback. Forgive me if I was curious about something which started as (somewhat) promising and transcended into something more ambiguous. I'm a fulltime grad student who works up to 30 hours a week. I promise you I have a life outside of this forum and a boy.

And tickle, I've had some mileage in the past. Perhaps it's my experiences from before that cause me to get a bit anxious or have thought contamination when it comes to anything relationship-wise.

I think you are just afraid to be more disappointed by making a move that brings you better understanding of what he thinks. I think maybe you both are reluctant to be more forthcoming about revealing interest even by a simple acknowledgement in seeing each other.

That's always the danger of not knowing your own feelings, or his, as we fill in the blanks of what we don't know with our own fears or insecurities. How else would you explain seeing each other, and not saying "hello, how are you?"? Yes maybe you both may have had experiences that have contaminated your thought, and SCARED to take a risk. Admit it, your disappointment is that he was not more aggressive showing you more interest.

Didn't even say hello, or sit next to you. Maybe your contaminated thoughts didn't allow you to throw some crumbs for him to follow either. Never know without that extra courage to find out for sure... then be disappointed. Until you admit to yourself why you were disappointed by his (NON) actions, how will you deal with it?

I know how you have a busy life besides this BOY, but you asked if you had a right to be disappointed, and I ask you now, WHY? What could he have done to make you feel not disappointed? What could YOU have done if you weren't so (thought) contaminated (AFRAID!)?

Sure, you can be disappointed - feel what you feel. We can't know why his interest in you cooled. If you see him again, you could try to find out. Otherwise, chalk it up to some pleasant talks that just didn't become more. It is more rewarding to appreciate good things you get than lament that they weren't something different. You will have other college flirtations, so just be open and life will be fun.

Talaniman, I appreciate your feedback and constructive criticism. Admittedly, of course I'm intimidated. I couldn't (and still can't) make sense of having a weird interaction with someone after having had pleasant interactions shortly before. At first I wrote it of thinking he probably had a bad day; however, the fact that he just stopped showing up in the same vicinity raised my sense of awareness and concern. So that's why I avoided him last time, simply because I didn't know how his feelings were. His odd demeanor, why he changed spots and why he avoided me are confusing. Coupled with my past (bad) experiences, that is why I feel disappointed.

It sucks having had bad experiences before. I know I'm not the only one out there and I shouldn't feel bad for myself, but for first time in a few years, I thought I actually liked someone again. I'm good with focusing on myself and not being a serial dater, but it's just difficult for me to open up with a guy and actually connect/like him. I actually got excited a bit but now it's been squashed (or at least feels that way).

I don't know when/if I'll see him again considering our library is huge and the chance that I'll see him again is slim. But if I do, of course I'll go over and say hi.

Ok, so for the past two semesters, there has been nothing but a cat-and-mouse pursuit. We'd end up running into one another on campus, agree to meet up, end up talking for hours to repeat the cycle all over again. The chemistry and attraction felt right, but he'd NEVER ask me for my number. I found it pretty odd; but I figured that he's graduating and leaving in the summer anyway and he perhaps doesn't want to get too involved. However, it never made sense why he would get nervous and choked up around me, ask me to study with him which would turn into a full-fledged four hour conversation all the time instead, compliment me repeatedly, etc. It never felt platonic, yet he never asked me for my number (plus I'm traditional and prefer for the guy to ask if he TRULY is interested). There were times where he'd ask me to meet up in which I would agree; yet things would come up and I wouldn't be able to show up. Considering I had NO WAY to contact him, he would end up disappearing afterwards (I guess he'd feel rejected) for weeks, and pull the same move on me the following time we'd make plans to see each other. Then it would get squashed and we'd pick back up where we left off. I know, very mature of both of us.

Anways, two weeks ago, I ran into him as he was going home. He asked me to go to his place which I found to be odd considering he never even asked me for my number yet. But I agreed and walked him home. When I got to his place, he made it pretty obvious that he wanted me to make a move on him physically in which I held myself back and did not. We had a great time (like we always do), and he proceeded to tell me how hilarious and what a stress-reliever I am. He also told me that he wasn't an open book and that he's going through a rough time considering that grad school for this fall wasn't going to work for him and he is unsure about whether he can study abroad this upcoming summer. I was considerate, but I felt the urge to ask him if there was more... so I asked him straight up if he had a girlfriend. He got nervous but admitted that he was "talking to someone" out of state and that he wouldn't want to "do anything behind her back" because he wouldn't want her to do the same to him. Funny because two minutes prior, we could've easily hooked up and I highly doubt she would be OK with our "friendship." Even better, why hide the fact that you have a girlfriend (although he claims she's someone that he may start a relationship with which is bs) for the past eight months that I've known you? He also claimed that he "never lied to me" but I feel so led on. At this point I got awkwardly silent because I felt so stupid and caught off guard. He kept calling me awkward and urged me to tell him what was going through my mind but I kept silent (stupid I know). Like he wanted me to admit that I liked him or something but my pride got in the way. Well, I said goodbye eventually and after seeing him on campus two days later, he avoided me completely.

What sucks is that the semester is over and I have no way of seeing him anymore. I wish I could've been more of an adult before and communicated. I just feel stupid and foolish; like maybe this was all in my head-although I know the difference between an acquaintance/friend and someone interested (or so I think). I'm contemplating looking up his email through our University's directory online and writing him a quick email, but I don't know what to say or if it's even worth it? It just sucks for it to end so abruptly with no farewell. From a guy's perspective, what's going through his mind?

Well, you know now what the cat and mouse game was all about, and not getting his phone number. I agree too that I think he wanted a quick booty call from you before he left, and I'm very happy you didn't fall for that. Instinct told you there was something 'off' about him, and you were able to prove yourself right.

That in the entire time you knew him, he did not mention a girlfriend, which is suspicious. Because had he mentioned that, you would have appreciated the honesty and integrity, and likely would have stayed friends. Up to that point, had he mentioned his girlfriend, you would have known where you stood, and easily have accepted friendship.

The information would have saved you a lot of uneasiness, but, you now know.

Not sure if I would contact him or not, because he is otherwise in a relationship. I assume that he can contact you if he wishes to, through the same source, so why not just let it go.

If, after not seeing you, he decides he's made a mistake in letting you go, and contacts you- then he's fair game. But, until that happens, he's off limits.

He kept calling you 'awkard', really. He was insulting you. Why are you even Comtemplating this??

Just chalk this up to experience and your own niatevity and move on from it. This whole episode meant nothing. He was just relieving boredom and playing with you.

What do you mean he was insulting me by calling me awkward? Or do you mean this whole thing was insulting to me?

What do you mean he was insulting me by calling me awkward? Or do you mean this whole thing was insulting to me?
If someone called me awkward, I would take exception to that. Would you not ? After all is that not embarrassing to know that someone finds you lacking in social graces ?

I see what you mean but I'm not offended by that statement to be honest. I was being awkward by being quiet. The only thing that I said was "now this whole thing makes sense." He kept urging me to explain and to tell him how I felt to which I responded "I know where you want me to go and I'm not going there." If he finds me to be awkward (and arguably prudish for not even kissing him), well it's better than having no integrity. But I guess what I want to really know is why avoid me? Is it because I didn't sleep with him, because he feels rejected or is he embarrassed?

If anyone talked to me or treated me like that ( calling me awkward, its simply not something you say directly to someone if there was any feelings there other than family or good friends)... I'd go out of my way to avoid them... I wouldn't care about what their reasons might be. And well... for not kissing him (something that's really NOT a seriously intimate gesture and I'm talking a kiss without tonsil tickling action)) that indicated you really weren't into him (sleeping with him really would be on a totally different level and you were under no obligation to do), so he decided it's a lost cause and moved on...

He probably did have an interest at first... but eventually lost it. Speaking from a guys perspective... I've actually had several cases when I expressed an interest in a female who didn't reciprocate at the moment... SO I moved on... they later decided they really, REALLY did want something but by them the moment was past for me... and I didn't share it. It's a rather awkward position to be in... and honestly avoiding them is easier than facing them and being put on the spot, which they would find embarrassing as I no longer had any special feelings towards them.

Ok, so for the past two semesters, there has been nothing but a cat-and-mouse pursuit. We'd end up running into one another on campus, agree to meet up, end up talking for hours to repeat the cycle all over again. The chemistry and attraction felt right, but he'd NEVER ask me for my number.

You knew early enough it was just a game yet you played anyway. Sure be disappointed, but keep it real because in simple terms it just didn't workout right for either of you. Bad timing? It happens, but you never know about what the future holds, but for now the next adventure awaits. Sometimes all you get is conversation, and intrigue, and a thrill, and he could have lied and smoozed you up a long time ago right? He didn't. That's something right?

Game over. He didn't get free sex, or a kiss, and you didn't get a boyfriend. You both shared time, and company though, and that's better than most people have from random encounters. Heck, it was interesting for a few semesters and obviously you both had nothing better going on. A rather amusing distraction to spice things up for a while.

Could have been better, could have been worse. Call it a draw!

Well, I think my silence after finding out that he had a girlfriend let him know how I felt about him. It says a lot, don't you think? But he is a VERY ATTRACTIVE man and I know 100% of women in my place would have pounced on him. I just didn't because I don't want to be hurt. Maybe to him it's deemed as rejection? I hate to "dwell" over this, but it just ended so abruptly and I can't help but feel a bit played/led on. I am moving on obviously but I'm trying to fill in the gaps so that I don't make this mistake next time around. So...was he just testing the waters to see how far he could get with me or was there a genuine interest?

Stop trying to get in his mind and know what he is feeling, or his motives, and agenda. He could have easily been a passive guy that just wanted conversation and the rest is the games your own mind played. You wanted him to chase you and he didn't, and while you made yourself available you were as close to the vest as he was.

Let it all go now, because it went nowhere. You keep asking questions only he can answer, and now it's way too late to even ask, so don't speculate. As you said, you were more interested in not getting hurt, than getting answers.

You blew your chance with him before when you had one (and it was never a sure thing anyway, nothing ever is)... its obvious he moved on... you should to.