Well its been a long while since I have posted anything. First off, I would like to point out I have stopped snooping on the boyfriends computer and came to except the porn he watches. In the recent weeks I have just been besides myself on what to do. It has been 2 + weeks since we have had sex and maybe I am being childish about it but I really was hopeing that he might initiate sex this time, so I have been just waiting. Now we are going on 2 weeks.

The last few times I have been the instigator, making the "moves" so to speak. I know he's watching porn just because I've seen the signs of it... I have been fine with it until now. Sure I have taken care of myself but its not the same as have the intimacy with your partner. I don't feel close to him anymore, especially when he is resorting to watching porn instead. Just because I go to bed earlier then he does, doesn't mean that I don't want him to come and ravish me. I am not sure what's going on. I want to feel a little more wanted beside helping him around the farm. I feel like the roomate and caretaker. I have told him that a couple of days ago too and still that did nothing. I am getting really frustrated. I feel like we are resorting back to old ways when I was unhappy with myself... now I am completly intune with my weight problems (dropped 30lbs). I have put in hard work to help myself physically and mentally.

I feel like this is a one way street again. I do all the work in our relationship and he does nothing. Sigh... I sometimes feel like, "yeah maybe i am overreacting" but on the other hand why can't he make me feel like he wants me sometimes. Is it wrong for me to want him to instigate a little bit?

You can want, him to do, many things, if he is not the type of man, who likes, to start things, you may be waiting a long time

I never have a issue with porn, ( my wife and I often watch some together) of course the key is together.

Have you tried doing that with him?

And have you, ( not in bed) but maybe at breakfast, just ask him, if he could be the one to start it

Porn is and can be a problem, if it is effecting, the normal sex life of a couple.

Sounds like you and him, do not match for many levels, and my guess, some of them, are in other areas besides the bedroom

I still believe counseling, to find out how to communicate better with each other

You need to talk to the guy. Communication is key.

The sad thing is that I have talked to him about these issue before plenty of times. Do I have to keep reminding him and keep explaining the same things over and over?

If talking to him isn't going to work, then how about counseling for both of you? If that doesn't work then it is on your shoulders at this point....you have to decide how important it all is to you and if you don't think you are getting what you want out of him and the relationship you have, then you need to move on and leave him behind.

I know counseling wouldn't be an option for him, I am not opposed to it but for him that might be a stretch. I will try talking to him again and see where that goes. But like I said how many times do I need to keep bringing up the same topic? Sigh... I hate to move on after so much time spent with him, it would feel like I wasted almost 3 yrs of my life.

It honestly sounds like the relationship is over. You to are together because either of you have realized that it's over. I don't think he's ever going to change. I am a big porn advocate, you know this. What I am seeing is that he's more of a selfish and lazy person. I don't think this has anything to do with the porn but rather him as a person. Right now I think the porn is a symptom of larger problems. The fact that he thinks everything is okay and he doesn't want to change, or you don't want him to change I am a little fuzzy on that, is kind of proof that things might fluctuate into the better area a little more often but things will never be great.

I think you need to start looking at the bigger picture including intimacy outside of the bed room. You need to do some serious thinking and figure out if this is going to work for you. You've been here for three years, what is it going to look like in ten or fifteen. What will you lament about in 20 years? It might be time to make a hard decision and leave him.

Key here is were you actually talking TO him, or talking WITH him. Being talked TO is a major buzzkill for most guys. And the difference can be very subtle between the two. So close the line won't appear to be in the same place for any two people.

I try to talk with him about how I am feeling. I talked with him a couple of days ago about how I felt that I feel like we are starting to drift in the same direction as the spring, like all I feel is just his roommate and not his partner. I left room for a response, but all he said was I am sorry I love you..

Maybe as was mentioned... he's just drifted away from you. It does happen. Lots of times the idea of living together is better than the reality of it. THen maybe there is the possibility... lust wore off for him.. and wasn't replaced by love growing to fill in its place. Actually there are a lot of what might it be answers, and all of them can be right in certain relationships, and wrong in others.


Usually happens within the first three years... sometimes a lot less.. Might not even be anything anyone said or did.

Stop making this about sex, and you will start to see what the real problem is between you two.

I don't have his side of things, so cannot speculate what the disconnect is. Maybe this experiment has run its course, and its time for more than just talk. Hard to say but whatever you are doing hasn't worked, for you anyway.

Forget the sex, what other issues do you both have? What are the little things in other areas of this relationship like? Is sex the only way you know how he cares about you? Does he know you have stopped snooping or is there a lingering resentment on his part? Why is his initiating sex so important, and why is you making the first move not enough? Doesn't he show he cares in other ways and do you feel appreciated for what you do besides the bedroom?

Why is sex a major issue above all else? What do you expect from JUST living together? Do you even have a plan for the future, or are you both just putting on a façade and don't know what to do next? I bet that's it. The lust has faded, and neither of you has a clue of working together to build a future. That's why talking doesn't work, because words are meaningless, and actions are absent.

Maybe you are JUST roommates. Obviously for whatever reason, he doesn't want to change his ways, so I see a tough decision ahead for one of you.


Sigh... I hate to move on after so much time spent with him, it would feel like I wasted almost 3 yrs of my life.

3 years is usually the starting point of defining where things are heading, and whether its worth it or NOT. That's where I think you and he are right now so the talk is what's ahead after this PREVIEW of life with each other. I simply think you are talking about the wrong things and that's more of a waste than the last 3 years.

This never was about sex, porn or the bedroom really, but how you work together. When the lust fades, the work begins and you already feel you are doing ALL the work. That's what you talk about, the lack of sex is but a symptom. This whole relationship needs REDEFINING, and a solid commitment needs to be made, or you will wallow in the shallow funk you are in now.

That's the real waste of time you should fear the most. The future, not the past.

Thanks Talaniman, you are most certainly right. I need to look at the big picture! I most certainly don't feel appreciated for anything I do. Living together I certialy would like him to do his part in picking up after himself and or help me when I cant do certain projects on my own. I usually end up on the back burner and have to fend for myself. He says he promises to pick that up or help me do this and it never happens. I am getting beyond frustrated when he promises things, then it doesn't happen. I am starting to resent doing anything for him when he asks. I use to like helping him but now I don't. We live on a farm for an example : I asked him if he would take out the garbage to the "pit", he gave me the "sigh" and "i wasn't planning on going that way" "I supppose though" response. I just about threw the trash bag at him and told him what I really thought. I didn't say he had to do it and it was only 50 ft walk. Just a simple response with out attitude is all I ask for. I did talk with him about that particular instance when he was done working for the day. I said I didn't apperciate that kind of response if that kind of small task I ask if he wouldn't mind doing for me is going to warrant that kind of response, we have way bigger issues and I don't deserve to be treated as such. He did apologize and I think he understood were I was coming from. Unfortnatley this is just a small example of many. I need to figure out how to REDEFINE the relationship for sure.

We don't talk about the future, I have wanted to but not sure how to broach the subject, since this would be the first time being in this kind of relationship. At least to the extent of marriage in the future. And of course your right I don't know what to do next for the future.

So you are frustrated in the bedroom, and out of it, and its ALL his fault for not doing things YOUR way? Takes two to define a relationship in the first place, one can't dictate to another. That may seem to indicate you are trying to change everything to your own image and he ain't going along with it.

You keep pointing fingers at him, yet have not acknowledged your own fault in this relationship. I have no doubt he is hard to deal with, and no doubt whatsoever, so are you. Maybe incompatible?