My partner and I have been together for over 10 years. We have a four-year old son and we each have a teenage son from previous relationships. For much of our decade together, I have been going around in circles trying to decide if I want to stay with him.

When my son (who was 6 at the time) and I first moved in with him, my partner and I had only been dating 3 months and I had only been separated for 7 months. He lived in a nice big house alone with his 5 year-old, had a great job and seemed to have it all together. He was also very eager for my son and I to move in with him.

As soon as we moved in, he became just plain mean. I wasn't allowed to move anything around in the house or to redecorate. I remember trying to make room in the family room for my son's toys, and he got terribly defensive because that meant moving some of his son's toys. He was always complaining about the fact that my son and I weren't clean enough. He was physically violent with my dog. My son and I did not feel at home.

If I had to travel for work, he would never be willing to care for my son. I had to send him to my mom's. He would call me and complain about not having eaten in days, insinuating that I should be there to feed him.

Eventually I found out that he was in serious debt, that his ex had a restraining order against him and that he had an attitude problem at work and had been warned multiple times that he could get fired.

For whatever reason I stuck around and two years later I got pregnant. My partner got very angry and pressured me into aborting the baby. I did it vowing to leave him, but I didn't.

He ended up having to sell the house, we moved into a smaller place (twice) and I was certain things would get better. But, despite working two jobs, living in a much smaller home and making a six figure salary he was never able to pay down his debt.

He has also been very negative over the years. My son never seemed to do anything right. I was never a good parent to my son, being too lenient or by spoiling him too much. He has never taken him saking or skiing or anything like that. I was pretty much a single parent the whole time. As for his son, he now has very little contact with him.

Four years ago I got pregnant again and refused to get an abortion. We had the baby and he has been a good dad. However, I have felt like a single parent with the youngest as well. Two weeks before he was born, my partner quit his full-time permanent job, in which he made an excellent salary and would have been able to stay home for 3 months to help me with the baby, to take on a job that was not permanent, in which he made nearly 20k less and which required him to be out of town for nearly 20 days per month.

After a year of doing that I threatened to leave and in an attempt to keep me he found another permanent job in which he could be at home more often. But he became very bitter and unhappy about his new job and blamed me for having to put aside his dreams. It was draining to constantly hear about how much of a failure he felt like he was.

About a year ago, I silently plotted to leave him again, but chickened out. Then, he had to go to Sweden for work for two weeks and invited me along. We had sex once and he pretty much spent the rest of his time 'networking'. I visted Sweden alone. When we got back, I just wanted to hang out with my kids and give them their souvenirs. We had been gone for two weeks and I missed them terribly. But, my partner was so mad that my teenage son had not taken out the garbage while we were away, that all he could do for the first three days back was spew insults at him.

That was the last straw. I rented an apartment and told him I was leaving. But, he begged me to stay and I backed out of the lease.
That was about 7 months ago, and he has been trying very hard. He hasn't complained about my son, has been nicer to my pets and has even made time for a family vacation (that had never happened). But I haven't been able to reinvest in the relationship. I can't bare the thought of him touvching me.

I have now purchased a condo to move in on my own, but am having second thoughts about breaking up our 'family'. My teenage son is very excited, but I'm just don't know anymore.

I don't feel like I could honestly say that I have given him my 100 percent in the past few months. I've been operating with one foot out the door. It is effecting my work and I am way more impatient with my kids.

Any advice on how to get some clarity?

You want to get some clarity, but your head is stuck in the sand.

His ex wife has a restraining order, he works on tender hooks, and on the verge of being fired, he is heavily in debt and sounds to be an angry, controlling man, who only needs to beg properly when you threaten to leave, and you go back to the same old same old. You've moved several times with this man.

I imagine that while he doesn't/hasn't included your son in his life, you have included his son in your life, and you likely cook, clean, and parent both of them, and now baby in the mix. Why on earth did you decide to get pregnant.

I trust NO human who abuses animals, and someone who would harm a helpless animal, surely will harm anyone in his way.

He's now changed his job, and will be gone from home, making far less money than he was, for a good chunk of the month. You set yourself up for this one, and shouldn't be surprised considering his track record.

You have so many good reasons you should have left him long ago, and some insight connecting the fact that each time it seemed it was over and you started to think of being on your own, you fall back into the same old routine.

I don't know that, even when you are presented with opportunities to leave, you will ever have the courage to do so. I suppose 'the devil you know' is an apt description of what your mindset might be like right now.

I think it might be time for you to take a final inventory of your life. Really think through the last decade, and make a decision one way or the other, if you are going to go, or you are going to stay. If you decide to go, think about getting some counseling so you can learn what you need to do to live on your own with confidence, and how to get past this decade, and into a better planned life for the next decade.

If you decide to stay, then wrap up all your troubles, and toss them in the trash. Accept what your life is going to be like, and accept that you will probably remain unhappy, and always wondering 'what if'. Toss your dreams and hopes in the garbage too, and forget about being happy and treated well with respect and love.

It's up to you.

Since you are undecided, and you said he has made changes in the last several months, perhaps consider marriage counseling to help you gain some clarity. His willingness or not to go may possibly be a deciding factor.

Sadly, that may have been a help to you years ago, and possibly saved yourselves a great deal of misery, but all you can do now is look forward.

Is it too late? Only you can answer that, but you can't live with one foot out the door. You either are in it, and try everything that you can, or you cut your loses and move on.

Regardless of your decision, it would likely be helpful to seek some counseling yourself, as Jake said, for your own peace of mind and clarity.

I too think the counseling is a good option. You do need help to get some clarity.

What family.

I did not see a family described there.

You move out, get your head clear. And if you want to start counseling, and try to make things work, ( over months, or even a year) of dating again, that may be OK

Thank you all for your feedback. I have started conselling and hopefully it will help me in the long term. But for now, in the short term, I need to decide if I am moving forward with this condo purchase.

You have already started that ball rolling AGAIN, so that must be what you want. No one can make that decision for you.

I think you need to find something to relax. Make your decision.