Lately I've been very tempted in committing suicide. Just the thought of dying makes me very happy. When I'm in a very tall building I feel like jumping off, when I'm in my bed staring at my roof I feel like hanging myself and when I'm swimming or bathing I just want to drown myself. Although I have a very loving family, my mom, my dad and my brother (who can be pretty annoying) I've been feeling almost everyday like this and the temptation gets stronger everyday, if only I had the courage to do it...

I get most of the things I want (I have a laptop, Ipod, very pretty clothes) and I am very thankful for them and I don't ask for more but I still feel like this. I even tried cutting myself, ONCE, and every time I look at the scars I feel happy. Now don't think I am a masochist because I admit cutting did hurt and I probably won't do it again!

Also I don't get bullied at school or anything. In fact I once was the bully in grade 7 and 8. I picked on this girls who annoyed me with their "I'm nice to everyone" selves. Although they were really nice to me they still annoyed me somehow. I even made my "best friend" cry. Everyone just annoys me so much! I hate them! But whenever I walk alone and there is people around me who genuinely like each other I cant help but feel embarrassed/jealous of them, since they GENUINELY love each other (couples and friends). But of course I can't have anyone like that since everyone annoys me!

Maybe I should have a change of heart? Maybe I should try to love people more and change my attitude? Well I CANT! By the way this is not how I act when I'm around people/go outside. I have a completely different personality and that's how I move around, by acting different and "Loving", "Caring", "Smiling", "HUGGING" everyone but little do they know I find them annoying and just use them so I don't look like a loner! Even my family I hate them too.. But why? Why do I feel like this?

I also wish I had a more exiting life. Maybe if I got kidnapped and appeared 1 year later like a survivor? Maybe if I got raped and had to live with the burden of having to carry that around? Maybe if I was more special then others? Maybe that's why I find everyone annoying because I'm just like them a normal human being that has no meaning in this world! Maybe that's also why I want to die because what's the point anyway? When ever I think about my future I get scared that I'll live a life where I just work, eat and sleep. I get scared that I will never find anyone that I can truly love so... I just want to die! That's right now that I think about it I'm nothing more then a coward that just wants to run away from everything and do the "easy way out" before growing and seeing how much of a stupid life I have! Or maybe I'm just a memory and don't exist? That'll make it easier since I don't exist why am I typing this when I could be already dead?
Anyway I'm too scared to even tell anyone about this or even say my name here that's why I went with the name that my "nice personality" uses. Melody Crystal. Also I don't want to go seek for help or tell anyone because maybe this is all "in my head" and it would look like I am trying to seek attention (an attention whore) which I really don't want to be! So I want your truthfully opinion tell me what the hell is wrong with me?

Sincerely, Melody Crystal.

How old are you? (I'm guessing about 13 or 14.)

@Wondergirl Yep. I'm 14. So what? Does that make a difference? Am I immature for thinking this way? Well guess what I'm still thinking like this and I probably won't change.


How old are you? (I'm guessing about 13 or 14.)
@Wondergirl Yep. I'm 14. So what? Does that make a difference? Am I immature for thinking this way? Well I'm still thinking like this and I probably won't change.

Partly because maybe about 2/3 of all 12 to 14 year old girls talk and feel this way.

Like changes, and what seems impossible today, will be different in a couple years.

I had about half of your thoughts and feelings at 14. I didn't feel loved, and my parents fought all the time, and my mother was miserable herself. I used to fantasize about either horrible things happening to me ("then they'll be sorry") or super successful fame and riches (same thing). I too thought about the dreary meaningless of a daily humdrum life, and I too thought about ways it could be more meaningful or at least interesting.

Over the next 50+ years, I had many bouts of severe depression. Sometimes I sought treatment, other times I didn't.

My suggestion is to wait and see. It's possible that you don't feel loved, despite having a normal family and the things you need and things you don't really need. My theory is pretty much all about lack of love.

Yes, your age does make a difference, because you are not as unusual in some of your thinking as you believe?

Just something to consider... you have so much, as you have stated, loving family, friends, plenty of things, maybe you will find some meaning to your life if you put yourself out to helping others who may not have those things. Consider volunteering so that your focus is not always on yourself and what you are feeling or not feeling.

Even at 14 you can volunteer. Check out your local hospital, animal shelter, churches that may offer support to the homeless, a hospice, etc. You could ask a school counselor for other places in your community that might use volunteers.

Often, helping others, and taking the focus off yourself, will allow you to see your potential, your worth, and give you some direction.

If this is truly running your life, and you continue to feel this way, you have little choice but to speak with a professional if you want help with it.