I'm a 35 year old male. I've been married to my wonderful wife for 7 years.For the most part, we're happy. We have 2 kids (one elementary age and one preschool age) that keep us busy. Our only "negative" points are mostly due to normal life, as in, we both work, have the kids, so we have little time for "us" and it's been routine and boring. Our sex life is nearly non-existent and has been for a while, but slowly we have improved things some. We have infrequent sex (once every month max) and she has little to no interest in foreplay, oral (giving or receiving), or any position besides missionary. However, we've had some discussions and are slowly making some progress.Overall, we're fairly open with each other if we run into someone we find attractive. Usually nothing more than this actor or actress is hot, or remarking that someone's new spouse/bf/gf is "cute" and that's that.

I've even mentioned coworkers who I thought were attractive, and we laugh it off and go about our day. She has done the same as well.However, this case is different. I'm not sure how it even happened.This woman is 25 and works in my department. She started about a year ago, and we would say hi and chat a moment, and that was it. I thought she was cute, but never thought much beyond that.A few weeks ago, my crush and her friend (also about 25) started sitting near me in the lunch room. We'd have conversations, mostly work related or usually harmless topics like entertainment. Her friend and I have talked before from time to time but there was never any attraction to her.

But my crush, well, about last week, it hit me hard.She's so cute, exotic looking, very intelligent, funny, sweet with just a bit of sass. We have many strange little things in common. In fact, she is somewhat like a more outgoing and more animated version of my wife, although they look nothing alike. In some ways they're quite different as well. She is definitely someone that, if I were single, I'd be interested in, even though she's probably on the young side for me anyway.

That said, I make sure to mention my wife and kids almost every day in the course of conversation. She and her friend have even remarked that they and my wife would get along well (they would, actually). So there was never any attempt at flirting with her on my part, nor has she ever given me any sign that she's interested, at least none I've noticed. Of course, we men are often dense to such signals and sometimes don't notice them. She did mention once that she likes older men, but this was directed at her friend, not me, and in the context of a celebrity she likes. She also said that since I was now in their circle, that they may share things that are "TMI" at times, and I was to be warned.

I've never made an advance at her, and really only see her at lunch or if I happen to walk by. Once or twice I've stopped at her desk to chat, but only if there actually was a work-related reason to. That's about it. We're not FB friends and don't text each other or anything like that, so it's pretty hands off.


As far as her, she doesn't mention dating or guys she's seeing, although her friend does, so I can't imagine it's just that she feels the topic is off-limits at work. She has said that "someday" she wants a husband and kids. This is irrelevant except that it supports my theory that the crush is unrequited.

Still, I am crushing like a 16 year old girl here. I'm a grown man, this doesn't seem normal. I am not sure it's the sex life issue causing it, since I have no way of knowing what she'd even be like in bed. She's not overtly sexual and she does have a rather innocent, wholesome, girl next door quality about her, although that diminishes a little, but not much, once you get to know her a bit. It might just be that she reminds me of a freer, younger time in my life when I had fewer obligations and more fun. It could even just be a normal infatuation.

Avoiding her entirely probably won't work, since we work together, and I think over time the crush will subside. I'm trying to determine if I should tell my wife, or just try to let it die down and leave it at that. Aside from passing thoughts of "if only..." or "well in a different place and time..." I'd never seriously take things any further than the coworker friendship we have now.

And you have to even think about what you need to do?

At least you mever made an advance on her, that's good. Just avoid anything that is not absolutely work related or work required.

Why cause yourself undue misery, why tempt yourself... why do anything until you have filed for divorce because until then, you have an obligation to your wife.

Well divorce is not something I want, not at all. That's my point. I'm just trying to get it out of my head is all.

It is a crush. You can be in a long term relationship and still have them. It is a part of life to be honest. You recognize it so about all you can do is let it run it's course. Try to limit interactions with her, but realize that this is one sided and you can't really make any move. Not much more to say beyond that. Just involve your head a bit here.

I think couple counseling is called for here. You are at the stage of needing some compromises with each other, and sex is a big one. It can sound very cold and practical, negotiating what you give and take in an established marriage, but once you do it, you may find that it's all you need to keep the good things you have good.

I can just see all the men who have dumped their wives for an attractive younger woman, one who is exciting and new, one who doesn't have both work and kids to tend to... suddenly (if she doesn't dump you for being a bit out of her age group of friends and interests) she has a baby or two to tend to, and she's tired after work and kids, and you are too, because now you have two sets of kids to support and see on weekends...

OMG. Work on that sex life you HAVE.

joypulv, I have no intention or plan to let it come to that. I don't even want it to.

In fact, as I read this and other threads, it makes me think more about sex with my wife than my crush.

Sure, she's cute and *if* I were single, things might be different, but reality is I have a wonderful wife and family now.

I just need to get her out of my head, but don't want to make her (my crush) think I dislike her, since we do work together and occasionally have to handle problems together at work. Just friendly but nothing more.

Perhaps even just having lunch elsewhere (as in, not with her) for a while will cool it off.

Keep your distance and keep temptation at bay... you can't do something wrong if you never allow yourself to be in a position where it might occur since a cold shower isn't always an option.

Thats how most people deal with it...and it does work really well.

Speaking as a woman, I think almost all women know when a man has a crush on her, regardless of how cool he acts and how much he talks about his wife and kids. And many women enjoy that.

So yes - keep your distance.

I talked to my crush today for 20 minutes in the break room.

In conversation, she said something about how we think alike... and she also thinks a lot like my wife, and then said she's a combo of both of us, like a daughter.

And like a hole being popped in a balloon, I think that pretty much killed it. Which is a good thing. At this point, I feel like I don't necessarily have to avoid her and can enjoy her friendship without worry any more.

It's surprising how one comment could kill a crush, but it did.

You sound like a good guy overall and really, you were just facing some confusion. Many do....I have....eventually it goes away as it just seems to have for you. Now you can worry about being friends and nothing more.

Good luck to you.

From reading what you wrote you know what the right thing to do is. Any action you take with the crush isn't worth throwing away what you have built as a family. It's not worth making the kids suffered. Also remember when we go through rough patches we always think happier days are somewhere else. We concentrate on what is wrong with our current situation and what could be wonderful in a dream situation. These same issues can and probably will plague any thing in the future with someone else.


I talked to my crush today for 20 minutes in the break room.

In conversation, she said something about how we think alike... and she also thinks a lot like my wife, and then said she's a combo of both of us, like a daughter.

And like a hole being popped in a balloon, I think that pretty much killed it. Which is a good thing. At this point, I feel like I don't necessarily have to avoid her and can enjoy her friendship without worry any more.

It's surprising how one comment could kill a crush, but it did.

Part of me wonders if the "daughter" comment was something she did on purpose, because she knew I had a crush and thought that might quell it.

It definitely did regardless, and even if it was intentional, I can't blame her for it.

I really feel different. The "butterflies" feeling is gone, I'm not distracted anymore. I still like her as a person, but, much like other women at work who I find attractive, she's simply a coworker who I am friendly with in a professional sense and nothing more. I can still see her as an attractive person, but attractive in the sense that if I fixed up a buddy with her, I could tell him she's hot and be honest when saying it.

You are getting signals from your 'crush' whether they are obvious, or not obvious. Think about it. She is playing a 'let's see what happens' game, and you are playing along, getting more and more information about her, and she is getting more and more information about you. You throwing your wife and kids in the conversations is a very feeble attempt to send her information, that you aren't interested- how could you be with that kind of information in the conversations. But you ARE interested- you said yourself you throw your wife and kids in nearly every conversation. Hasn't stopped her has it.

So, tell me this. What kind of woman, knowing you are married only 7 years, and you are raising 2 young children together, would be hitting on you under just even those circumstances, or knowledge. Really. Think about it. Suddenly she has lunch with you? Conversations are more frequent, etc. When you see her you probably flush like a sick puppy and send all kinds of signals that your attention toward her is welcome. You aren't fooling anyone.

And what kind of man would ask how to stop what is turning out to be a very short walk off a long pier, when it is you who is walking the walk??

Stop it!

So what you have a bad sex life. That's life with busy lives and kids, and it will be like that unless you make changes. How about taking your wife OUT of the house? Get a sitter every Thursday night for example, and take her out to a park, or to a movie, or take a leap of faith and rent a hotel room for a weekend away; change the pace of your relationship, and I guarantee you things will pick up. Why you wouldn't be a little more creative in your marriage is maybe because you have this crush on your mind too much. And, your lousy sex life is no excuse to screw around, and I'm not convinced you haven't thought of that. Very flimsy, immature, selfish, and just dead wrong of you to worry more about a crush, than you re about how to improve your marriage and make your wife happy.

If you want to join what will definitely be, without a doubt, a dead end, and find yourself divorced, and out of your children's lives except for weekends, then continue on thinking that you have a problem with a crush, and you WILL have a problem- well beyond what it is now- because it will not stop, unless you stop it.

And to compare characteristics, even positive ones, between your wife and your crush is a little thin on the main fact.

You have a crush on a woman who is playing you. Your wife continues, in the dark, to think that you would never, ever be the type of man who would be crushing over a work mate, unable to stop the thoughts. And, unlike cavemen of old, you can put on big boy pants, instead of a loin cloth, and take a good long look at your wife and your children, and see if you can't find a way to let the crush go before you run out, buy a club, and race to the cave.

Really.

Jake2008,

Thanks for the reply. Keep reading, however. The fire is barely a burning ember now. Between reading other posts here on this forum, and the "daughter" comment, I'm good. My crush has been crushed, and all for the better.

The other things you mention, I've done those, it's a work-in-progress.

Don't keep poking around the embers... and not think you aren't playing with fire. You can still get burned as the fire can EASILY reignite.

That is a good point, smoothy.

Exactly... you can't avoid taking a piece of the cake if you keep hovering over it, smelling it, salivating... eventually you are going to take a slice.

Keep it out of sght and out of mind and then its easy.

We all have a crush or a fantasy, Here where I am, it is common place for some of the young university girls to offer, "things" to their professors.

So, it is easy for a professor to get a few fantasy in his head. ( or her head )

The issue is, if you are married, you leave it, in your head. Great for some wild dreams at night, but that is all it should be.

It's good that you recognized the red flags.

Keep your focus on the "us" time with your wife.

It's great that you have good communication with her, so continue to discuss and come up with ways that the two of you can reconnect. It it is easy, as you have found, to fall into a routine. Not always a bad thing, as it can be comforting, but it can also become too stagnant at times.

Does your wife carry the bulk of child care duties? If so, that along with work, the household, and you, can be exhausting keeping it all going. Be sure to share the load wherever you can. You may be surprised how just talking about it and working together on things can change your relationship.

As was said... stick to only work chat at work. You can find other work friendships that help you to avoid anymore concerns. No sense putting yourself in a situation that has a potential to cause problems. You don't have to be rude, but you can back off on conversations that are not work related, and only that if you actually need to for some specific reason.