Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and its no secret to anyone that a ring will be coming soon. I'll admit as a nosy/curious woman I looked through his computer history and so happened to find he had been watching porn. I feel cheated in a way even though I know its not cheating. It hurts me so bad that he did this behind my back, I've even asked him twice if he's done it since we have been together and he lied both times. We had a very heated argument over it and obviously we talked things out but... I can't get it out of my mind. It has really hurt me to think of him finding arousal looking at other women and hearing them moan. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't know how to handle it. Im so seriously hurt. Some women don't mind but I am not one of those. My main question is, can our relationship really be healthy if he's watching porn?

First off you sound like a teenager saying all this. How old exactly are you?

Every man looks at porn. The ones that say they don't don't... either have no libido, or lie.

Want to make a man resent you... tell him he can't do something. And trust me he's going to.

Are you willing to give up every chick flick, every woman's magazine, every soap opera and every romance novel? Because if you are going to be making demands... you better be willing to do the same thing... and all those things to a woman are exactly the same as porn is to a man.

You don't have a health relationship if one or the other person starts making demands of the other. And there is nothing an adult hates more than being told what they can and can't do by another adult who really has no business making demands.

Incidentally... its his right to lie about it because you don't respond rationally about the subject.

You are the one that has self esteem issues... and they are yours to deal with, commanding others what they can and can't do so you can continue to avoid dealing with personal issues is not fixing your problem... its ignoring your problem. And ignoring your problem only lets it fester and grow like cancer.

Personally... If anyone I was dating had a hissy fit about something I was looking at. I would have sent them packing. I wouldn't put up with it. I've dated enough women to know most wouldn't do that.

This is going to freak you out... my WIFE points women out to me we see at the store, or on the sidewalk that she knows I find attractive... usually before I even notice them myself.

Want healthy... she knows who I'm going home to every day. She isn't freaking out that there are other attractive women out there. She doesn't freak out that there are women better looking and better built than she is out there. Because she knows window shopping for a sports car isn't the same as taking a test drive or going out and buying one. I've been married for 23 years....and my wife is posessive of me as any woman is with their husband.

Here is a fact of life... the only (straight) guy that's NOT going to see a really attractive woman and not get arroused has no sex drive... or has an unhealthy obsession.

And here is a tidbit of information... its really not any different for women... they do the same with guys they think are hot. Tell me you have never had an inpure thought about ANY actor on TV or in the Movies, and I'll say you a liar.

You are a nosy curious female, he likes porn. It's a wash, accept each others flaws, and be good to each other (until you find more,later). That's how you keep a relationship healthy. Also consider most guys have watched porn since a young age in one form or another, so it has nothing to do with you. Matter of fact its just a guy thing like sports and scratching his nuts.

What would your reaction be if he told you to stay off his computer, and mind your own business? Now you know why he lied about it. We like our porn, but hate curious females that get all emotional and insecure over it.

PS. That's the standard answer from a guy.

PSS. You find it on his computer, and ask him does he watch it? Isn't that a lie too? A lie of omission?

PPSS. At least now you have no secrets, just issues to deal with. Sotalk and deal with them. That's healthy too!

Some women are okay with it, within limits. Some women enjoy viewing porn themselves... either on their own or with their partner, and some women are bothered by it... sometimes a great deal.

It can be an enhancement to some relationships, while it can destroy others, and everywhere in between. It will depend on the view points and feelings of the individuals, and often how much involvement there may be.

If it's an obsession; interfering in the intimacy of a couple, then it can be a problem. For many, if it's the occasional thing, it is not a major concern. Sure, it can cause some pangs of self-doubt, but it's not truly a reflection on you, your attractiveness, or your self-worth.

Women and men just often view this topic differently. Men often have a difficult time understanding why it can bother women so much simply because views can be different in regard to the relationship between attraction, sexual desire, and love.

Only you can decide just how important it is to your relationship... enough of an issue to be a deal breaker for you, or merely something that your partner enjoys from time to time, that you can accept, even if you don't really understand the appeal.

While his lying is wrong, I'm sure you can understand it comes from not wanting a confrontation, not wanting to upset you, or perhaps he's embarrassed for you to know.

Since you know he is likely to look at it from time to time, save yourself some grief and don't bother asking or looking to catch him. It serves no useful purpose and will only result in hurt and angry feelings.

If it were me, I wouldn’t stand up with it. If you really alleged to this, I think it is possible for you guys to ruin the relationship. Although it is common for men to watch porn, some women are still not accepting this. However, I have a suggestion that you may think about if you want to use it. I heard that Aobo Filter for PC that can block porn websites. Maybe you can install it to block these websites and see how reacts of your boyfriend.

She has no right to put blocking software on HIS computer. If someone did that to mine... she'd be out the door for good less than 5 minutes after I found out. Anyone that pulls that stunt will do far, far worse in the future.

If it were me, I wouldn’t stand up with it. If you really alleged to this, I think it is possible for you guys to ruin the relationship. Although it is common for men to watch porn, some women are still not accepting this. However, I have a suggestion that you may think about if you want to use it. I heard that Aobo Filter for PC that can block porn websites. Maybe you can install it to block these websites and see how reacts of your boyfriend.

Rabbit anne, are you suggesting that she put software on her boyfriend's computer without his knowledge or permission? That would be an even greater invasion of his personal space than snooping was/is.

Abigail, only you know whether you can let this go and move forward with the relationship knowing that he uses porn as a tool for masturbation. If it upsets you and you cannot let it go, then walk away. Do not try to hold on to something that will turn from love into resentment and anger.

Why were you looking through his computer history? You may love him, but do you trust him? Can he trust you? What other boundaries are you willing to cross if and when it suits you?

A relationship can be healthy with one or both partners using erotica/porn. However, both individuals have to be willing to compromise and work together. That goes for all aspects of a relationship.

Porn and Healthy relationships DO mix... what you do NOT have however is a healthy relationship... anyone sneeking around snooping on the other has a VERY unhealthy relationship. And its all the fault of the person doing the snooping in this case. He's not cheating, he's not sleeping around... in fact he's not doing anything wrong.

I can't believe that someone actually suggested that the OP put a porn block on her boyfriends computer. Talk about ruining a relationship! He's not a child, and you can't treat him like one. More importantly, you don't have the right!

To the OP (original poster), why were you snooping? Why don't you trust him? How do you plan to have a healthy relationship with a man you obviously don't trust?

I think that issue is far more important than that of him watching porn.

I may not say all men, but most watch some porn. The question is written, from a view point that porn is bad,

It is obvious, the fight was about him watching it. Not his lying.

He lied because he most likely knew you would not accept it.

Healthy? Watch it together, enjoy it and let it be part of the foreplay some times.

Other times, knows for the man, it is a easy way to get a thrill and perhaps masturbate for a quick release.

My wife, loves to watch certain types, (not always the ones I like) but we can share each others tastes.

Everyone is different, a healthy relationship can exist with all sorts of sexual fetishes and relationships, if both people are open to what the other likes.

To quickly answer the question in your subject: Porn and a healthy relationship do mix.


Me and my boyfriend have been together for two years and its no secret to anyone that a ring will be coming soon. I'll admit as a nosy/curious woman I looked through his computer history and so happened to find he had been watching porn. I feel cheated in a way even though I know its not cheating. It hurts me so bad that he did this behind my back, I've even asked him twice if he's done it since we have been together and he lied both times. We had a very heated argument over it and obviously we talked things out but... I can't get it out of my mind. It has really hurt me to think of him finding arousal looking at other women and hearing them moan. It makes me sick to my stomach and I don't know how to handle it. Im so seriously hurt. Some women don't mind but I am not one of those. My main question is, can our relationship really be healthy if he's watching porn?

The first red flag that I get here is that you're looking through his computer. I understand if you have a communal computer and you run over something that he was doing. It is inevitable, but if you have a computer and he has a computer then there is NO excuse to look on his computer. It's his and it is equivalent to reading a personal diary. This has been pointed out by a couple of people, her and I will elaborate as to why this is a big thing. Being a couple relies on respect and trust, implicit in this is privacy. If you respect and trust your significant other then there is no need to worry about what goes on in that private time. When you start whittling down his private zone then you're telling him that you don't trust him and you become more controlling. You start to dictate what he can and cannot do. Eventually he'll have no privacy and you will, because heaven forbid we try to encroach on your privacy. I don't care how curious you are. I don't care how nosy you are. Stop snooping. It is a path to tears and strife. After this altercation though I wouldn't be too certain of a ring in your future.

Take a step back and look at how you reacted that he was consuming porn. You shouldn't be surprised that he was hiding it and lied about it considering your reaction. Porn is taboo enough still that he can't look at it without expecting this reaction. He's been doing it all his adult life and isn't going to stop for you, and he loves you deeply. To spare you feeling bad about yourself, catering to your self-esteem, he lied about it. I will let you in on a secret I know about him and you that you don't know. He is attracted to you and loves making love to you and he's seen all your imperfections. That little bit of cellulite on your thighs, the bumps and lumps that ALL women have, and the wobbly bits, and he's still committed to you. He's seen more naked women then you can fathom, some empirically better looking and others not so much, does he want to have sex with these women? Nope. Does he want to have sex with you? Yup. I will touch on why a little later.

Which brings up what you believe is the issue here is, he got aroused by something or someone that wasn't you and it hurt. Why did it hurt? Because you assumed that he gets aroused the same way you do. That's the inherent problem. Arousal is a very emotional process for most women. A picture of a isn't going to get you wet. It is a long mental process that does it for you. You might notice it when you're consuming lady-porn, i.e. Romance novels, romantic comedies, and stuff like that. I am sure that when you two make love, he doesn't start it by saying to you "Let's f**k". It is something that starts hours earlier and peaks in a love making session. This is how your engine is started. Men are much simpler creatures. We tend to more sensory driven, mostly visual, but auditory, tactile, and audio as well. For example, if a waitress at a restaurant bends over a particular way and he see down her shirt, that could arouse him. Walking down the street and the woman in front is wear a skirt a little too tight and... yea that would do it. The little things that do it are numerous and inescapable.

Which leads to what is porn for men. It is an idea, a seed of fantasy. It gives us that little spark we need to rub one off. This is our private time, our bubble bath with wine, a good book, and candles, except it involves a fantasy, a tube sock, and wee bit of grunting. This is the time when we can concentrate on ourselves and take care of things for ourselves. We love sex, don't get me wrong, but it is a lot of work and a lot of the focus is on our partners, as is yours on him. It is something that takes time, and is physically and emotionally satisfying for both parties. A quick Wank in the bathroom is just that, five minutes of fun for ourselves.

So what is the advice I have for you? Contemplate the following:
- He's been doing this for years before you found out, before and during your relationship. Before you found out everything was fine. Nothing has changed in how he feels about you, physically and emotionally. The only person who's been affected by this is you because this hit your pride and your self-esteem.
- Your self-esteem is based off you, not what you think your significant other finds attractive. You are, despite the imperfections you and every other woman have, attractive.
- What arouses you beyond your significant other.
- What an invasion of his privacy you have committed without cause or excuse.

This is primarily your issue. It is something you have to come to terms with. It isn't the end of the world because nothing has changed in your relationship. Once you realize that you'll be fine.

For some reason I don't even have the option to give you a greenie Craven. The accurate button isn't even there. So I'll post here and say "Greenie, greenie, greenie!" Very well said.

I do have to say, I'm not a fan of porn. At least not movies. I love a steamy novel, but I find porn too cheesy, too unrealistic. Just not my thing.

My husband watches porn. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, he used to hide it from me, many many years ago, behind the TV stand. One day one of the dogs toys rolled under the TV stand, and I had to move it, get behind it, to get the toy. I found his stash.

He came home from work, I was in the kitchen with his porn. He walked in and blanched. The first words out of my mouth were "Um, why are you ruining perfectly good discs by putting them behind the TV stand? I never dust there! You should keep them in a drawer".

He just looked at me. Then I said "Seriously, we've been together forever. You know me. Why would you hide this? You should know me well enough to know you didn't have to".

His reply "you're female. I know you don't like porn. I thought you'd be upset".

Why would I? He's not cheating on me. It's not like he's watching sex tapes he made with other women. I read my Fifty Shades of Grey (which incidentally, he bought me, and frankly, I think is crap, but he spent the money so I read them), and he, being male, is more visual. Reading doesn't do it for him.

He has his thing, I have mine, and we have a very healthy, very happy relationship.