Back in June my 10 year old son had a head trauma and I spent 9 days in ICU and in the hospital with him. The day we returned home I realized I was 2.5 days late in putting my NuvaRing back in. I have been using the NuvaRing for years with no issues so I didn't think much of it. I was wrong. About two weeks later I started getting sharp cramps and cervical twinging pains and I knew right away that pregnancy felt possible. I took a test that day and it was negative. Over the next 4-5 days the feelings became stronger. As a mother of 6, I was more positive than the negative pregnancy test. I took another test a few days before my ring was to be removed and it was positive. My husband and I were shocked, even though I had a strong feeling I knew we had talked about all that was ahead of us. I had already signed up to go back to school as our youngest child would finally be in full day Kindergarten. I removed the ring.

That night I gushed blood and became very nervous. The cramping was mostly in my back but my pain was intense. I went to the ER. The pain became pretty intense and my blood pressure had gone up in response 69 the pain. The hospital drew blood work and my hcg was 1900 and with those low numbers there was nothing seen on ultrasound. The doctors felt comfortable that with the amount of pain and blood that I was having a missed abortion and recommended me to take Vicodin for the pain over the next few days. I will admit, I was relieved. I asked them if I could continue taking ambien to sleep... they agreed. I bled for a week, red and brown, some clotting, lots of cramping... all of an unusual period for me anyhow. They gave me a rx for another hcg level in 3 days to be followed up with my ob/gyn. I got a call the following week from the ob that I need to come in. Although my numbers were still low... the hcg was rising. He did an ultrasound in the office and still saw nothing. He sent me away for more blood work and another ultrasound in a week. When I went for the ultrasound I gave the tech the history and explained I didn't think she would see anything. I had my NuvaRing back in and was still getting spotting and bleeding. To my surprise she found a 6 week 1 day sac with a heart beat. I was an emotional disaster.

My husband and I stayed up all night talking about options. My sons trauma has been very hard on all of us since I had to quit my job to stay with him more and my children, my daughters both preteen and teen have had separate breakdowns and have been seeing therapists to deal with the changes in the family. My youngest has been acting out and my oldest who's 19 decided to move out as things seem to busy around here with occupational and physical therapists in and out of our already modest home. The timing of this couldn't be any worse.

I called planned parenthood the next day to see if I could try the medical abortion. I went in alone the next day. I took the meds in the office and took my brown bag of meds home with me while I cried the very whole ride praying this was done for the right reasons. I took the meds to make myself cramp and bleed 24 hours after I was in the office. The pain and cramping was intense. Clots as big as my hand were falling out. It went on for a few days like that. I had a recheck at the clinic 2 weeks to the day I took the first pills. It didn't work. The baby had grown and was now 8 weeks. This tech told me that she saw no cardiac activity which somehow made me feel a little better? Or worse? Idk... I told them I wanted to speak to my family ob that I am close with and see if he would help me. He was very uncomfortable with my choices and told me he would call me back, he never did. I had signed papers saying the meds given to end the pregnancy cause such severe birth defects that you are not allowed to attempt to continue a pregnancy if the 1 in a million chance it failed.

Last Tuesday my husband took off work and drove me back to the clinic. I was brought in for counseling and told they had little to ask me as after the meds I took I no longer had a choice but to go through with the aspiration procedure. I was taken in for another ultrasound. I was asked if I wanted to see... and there it was. Clear as day. 9 weeks 6 days, clear heart beating, moving around, feet kicking. I lost it. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to be consoled. The nurse came in and again explained the baby will be very damaged and it was too late to turn back now. I was in stirrups, I've in and meds started when the dr. came in. She had heard I had been asking if it appears healthy can I keep it.

She told me she could send me to a high risk dr. who wouldn't be able to give us a better idea about the level of damage till about 16 weeks. She thought she was consoling me by sharing how I would still have the option of a late term abortion if it's not healthy. I told her this is a lot to process while already semi sedated and my husband in the waiting room. I made it clear if it hadn't been for the medical abortion failing I would have happily walked out of here today but I'm worried the harm I have already caused this baby and what it could do to my already traumatized children.

Alone I made the decision to go through with it. It hurt, I'm not sure if the pain was more physical or more mental... some moments I wished it hurt more. It's now been a week later and I still feel awful. I have had let down from my breasts. I'm still having nausea and vomiting and awful headaches and cramps. Completely exhausted, dizzy and feeling horribly sick, but no temp. Still bleeding clots and lots of labor like feelings. I've heard some of this is normal. I hate myself and I'm more then prepared for anyone who wants to take me down, as it's nothing I don't already think of myself. I'm wondering if I will ever recover, not for me, but my children need me.

Has anyone ever experienced anything similar? I don't want to ever go back to the clinic or my ob again... feeling very on my own right now.

I honestly don't know what you're asking here. What I believe you're asking is something we can't answer. These answer you can only find yourself with introspection. When a couple loses a pregnancy it is hard, it is even harder when it was intentional. This is the hardest part of an abortion. Everyone handles it differently and you need support right now. Support from your husband and support from a therapist. No one here is going to judge you for your decisions. They're your decisions alone and we respect that here. No one is going to rip you down and chastise you. You did what you thought was right. It is up to you, your husband, and your support network to accept that and move on.

What might be good is to have, between you and your husband, is a little funeral/memorial service for what could have been. Give it some finality and solid point to move on from. Drawing a line in the sand to walk forward from.

Further I would suggest that, if you're done with having kids, you look at a sterilization procedure for yourself and your husband. Make sure that you cannot conceive again. My wife and I have discussed this once we've had what we want to be our last child.

Good luck and your have my thoughts and prayers. This wasn't easy.