Ok so here's the story (apologies for the length)

Back in September my best mate gave me this guys number, so I decided there was no harm in txting him, just to chat and get to know him. Well he seemed nice and we text for about 2 weeks then we met up for a drink - he was even nicer then. He made me feel special and I knew I wanted more then just friendship with him, we had a kiss and he told me he didn't want to leave me that night but we both went home (our own)
That was a Saturday then on Wednesday I went on holiday for a week so didn't talk to him. When I got back things were weird and he told me he didn't want this to be a rebound relationship (he'd just split up with his ex about a month before) and he wasn't sure if it was. We had a break and a couple of days later he text me and said he wanted to give it a go because he really liked me, we met up after he finished work and talked it was a bit awkward but I was happy and glad we were going to give this a real chance.

Anyway things progressed and we spent a bit of time together, after about a month he told me he felt he was falling in love with me. I knew me feelings for him were really strong but this was my first proper relationship.
However he was still in contact with his ex girlfriend and text and rung her often, which I made clear I wasn't to happy about especially as he couldn't talk to her in front of me and would talk about her a lot.

I invited him to my work christmas party and we had the most amazing night - he told me he loved me and I told him back.

I spent christmas at his house with his family, on christmas eve I was up in his room and he was in the shower. His phone was there on his bed so I just had a look, I didn't even have a reason for doing it but wished I didn't. I saw a sent message that was to his ex saying something along the lines of: this is the last time I will say this but don't think we can't work out because we can. I was fuming and really upset but didn't know if I could tell him what I don't. But I couldn't hide it and ended up asking him - he told me it was from ages ago when he didn't know what he wanted. I was still upset but kind of just put it to the back of my head. Things got worse on boxing day when things were so awkward. I pulled him up on it again and said it must have been recent because he'd recently got a new phone.
He told me I was pushing him away and we had a bigish disagreement and he ended it - I was heartbroken because I loved him.

For the next few days I text him and kept telling him how I felt, I know it was the wrong thing to do but I just couldn't get over him. I spent a day to myself and realised that if there was any chance of us getting back together I have to give him the space he wants. About a week later he text and rung me saying he knows what he wants and its me, he was scared of getting hurt and he now knew he wanted the commitment. I agreed to go out for a meal with him and see how things go. It felt like we'd never been apart we spent the night together and I didn't want him to leave.

He was very honest with me and told me he didn't know if he wanted to be in love but wanted to be with me, His ex really hurt him.
Things wernt always straight forward and there was a lot of intense discussions where we came close to splitting up.
For the past month or so everythings been great we were getting close and I could tell his feelings were getting stronger and he told me that. We spoke about the future, about going on holiday, my birthday and everything. He spent the whole weekend with me last week and it was the best - I was starting a new job on Sunday and was really scared so having him there was great. We had an amazing conversation on Wednesday he was this affectionate amazing person that I'd never really experienced before.

We both went out with our mates on Thursday night and he rung me twice just to see if I was OK, I had a great night but missed him a lot.
I rung him yesterday morning and he seemed really weird with me but kept telling me nothing was wrong, he told me he got talking to a girl from work last night who he'd never really spoken to and when he got home he rung her and spoke to her for 3 hours before going to sleep. He didn't seem to have any interest in talking to me so I decided to go. About 15 minutes later he text me saying: the reason I was like I was is because I kissed another girl last night. I felt my heart break I was gutted, I rung him and asked him to explain and I asked him why and he couldn't give me a reason. He said he could and he did. For some reason I wasn't angry.

I was meant to be going round his house yesterday so I decided I would anyway so we could talk. I knocked on his door and he didn't answer so I rung him no answer, he rung me back and said he was at badminton and I told him I know your not I want to talk to you so stop lying. He eventually opened the door and told me it was a wasted journey because he was getting ready to go out, I still spoke and asked questions - he wasn't showing me any respect wouldn't look at me. I felt like I'd done something wrong.
I know I'm stupid and a complete idiot but I wanted to forgive him and forget about it, I love this guy so much I wasn't ready to let him go.
He told me he couldn't see things being normal and he couldn't tell me he wouldn't do it again and he enjoyed it. I asked him if it was worth and he said no because its cost him his relationship, I tread to plead with him that it doesn't have to be like that. He said he would constantly be insecure every time I went out that I would cheat on him to get back at him.
There was a lot of raised voices and I told him I loved him all he said was OK.

He went to badminton and I went to opposite way, he told me he would ring me later.
He rung me last night and we spoke, I thought a lot during the day and I knew we couldn't go on as much as it would break my heart, he still felt the same so we decided to end it. I didn't cry but I didn't sleep.

I just can't see me getting through this, I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this, all our plans have gone and I just can't see my future with out him in my life.
I know he isn't worth it but I can't just stop my feelings and fall out of love with him. I'm going to try my hardest to do NC but I just don't know if it will work I love talking to him. I feel like I've lost a mate as well as my boyfriend.

If anyone's got any advice or anything I would really appreciate it

I love this guy so much I wasn't ready to let him go.

Start now and prepare yourself.
Rule number 1 around here is no contact, to give yourself a chance to heal after a break up and
Rule number two is go slow, go very slow and get to know some one before you invest a lot of emotion into them. Rule three is balance, make sure you maintain a life without them and let them be a part of your life, not your whole life. This way you are healthy and happy, and can handle the things that life throws at us.

My advice is don't call him, let him call you, and if he doesn't, accept that you need a life without him, that you enjoy. Move on and stop the urge to read the private mail of another and going off about it.

I think and to tell you the truth, that you need to leave him alone, because it is he that does not know what he wants. It will probably take him to time realize what he really wants from himself. All you can do is to not let your emotions dictate your feelings for him. Be a friend to him and that is all, do not expect more from him... anytime someone is recently coming out of a relationship, the natural tendency is to seek comfort in an other because they are lonely. The bottom line is if he can not be honest with you, and if he takes your friendship forgranted than it is better to leave him alone. He is simply not showing you any respect, no matter what he does or says to you. He is lost in his feelings and emotions... therefore he is not in the right state of mind to make good and responsible decisions towards others. Right now his feelings and doubts run his life.

Just let out everything that is on your heart evenif its to an empty room and let it go

Hey life chucks some real bad sh*t at us! But you have to accept this. What a lot of twaddle, "you can't go on etc!" What rubbish. How about people who have been married for 40 years and a relationship ends?

Go no contact for now. You won't be able to get some sort of yourself back with constant contact with this person. Every time you talk or communicate your going to be more and more confused. Imagine the thoughts and mixed messages allways floating around your head. Remove the confusion and you will gradually get your life back.

You need to keep busy for now. Read books, improve your life, meet new people, see your friends, ever wanted to do something? Nows the time. Have a look over past threads you may find they help and give good advise.

NC is the way to go now. He sounds like a game player and doesn't sound like potential for a healthy relationship. Forget him and move on with your life.

Hey not been on here for ages

But thanks guys.

It seems like years since I was with him, and I am really over him. I have had very lose contact with him, congratulating him on the birth of his nephew talking about our holidays etc. But have now decided I don't need to have any contact with him, he is my ex and I have moved on.
I met my boyfriend in June and were very happy together, he loves me and cares about me a lot and I love him too - I know its not even been 3 months but we get on so well and I love being with him. I do still take every day as it comes, I'm not going to take anything for granted but this feels right.

I know I am only 20 but I would happily be with him for the rest of my life :)