To, Reader.






Hi, I'm just willingto try anything at this point, even ask online, not that I expect even oneanswer. Even if that answer is calling me a foul name. People will just seethis question and be like: ", that's too complicated for me. *Clicksnext question*"

Well, thanks, dude.-_____- I'm having mental issues here, and I just want to kill myself just toescape it. So, yeah... Anyway, I'm just going to describe my situation here Iguess. So, I've been stuck inside of my own imagination for a while now... It wasfun when it first started two years ago, but it's just Hell, now. It isuncontrollable some times. The possibility's increased especially at nighttime.O___O
Usually, I can at least tame it by imagining some multiple insignificant things that I cancorrectly identify as fabricated... But sometimes I have no control. It flashesthings in the corners of my vision, around the room, and more than often, itcan even fool me into thinking someone's watching me. O_O I know that it's notreal, but it feels like it.

And, because ofthis, I often think of taking my own life just to escape it all. I don'tbelieve in God, so I don't have any clue of where I'd go after I died, butsomehow, the idea of leaving is very appealing. And, SOMETIMES, just SOMETIMES,I think that a demon is possessing me, making me think of these things, makingme want to kill myself. But don't worry, I snap out of it. I know, as painfulas it is to know, that humans are alone. I know there is no God out there. It was just a billion dollar idea thought up by some people many, many, years ago.I know.


I just want to knowhow to escape. I'm only fourteen, I just want to think like a normal teenager,to not have to worry about what will happen when night comes.
:( I'm also anintrovert, most of the time I am content with being alone, but sometimes theloneliness tugs at my soul. I just don't know how to talk to people. I don'tunderstand how their feelings, and social situations, work. I just sodesperately want to be normal. I'm ashamed to admit it, even on here. I actlike I don't care, but I do. I really, really, do.

I don't think myfamily knows anything at all about my situation. I hide it well, neveradmitting a thing. Sometimes I even fool myself into believing I'm happy. Ismile everyday, I laugh, but at the end of the day, I don't really mean any ofit. My mother must just think that I'm a loner who likes to stay in her room,on her lazy .
I just don't want tobe followed by my imaginary 'friends'. I'm sorry for pouring all of my edup problems on here.

I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I didn't even realizehow much I wanted relief from this problem until I started typing. My familydoesn't have the money to take me to a therapist, I doubt I'd even want to go.I don't want to talk to people face to face about this. I'd cry. Just like I amnow. I don't want people to see that weak side of me. But I don't have to thinkabout that, because my family is desperately poor. It's me, mom, my twosisters, and baby bro. There's hardly any money for food, let alone atherapist. So, please, don't say that. Do I even need a therapist? Am I justbeing overdramatic? Is this what people have to deal with? Is it actuallynormal? I don't know!

I'm sorry. I'm sostupid for even writing all of this. It's a waste of time. Nobody's going tohelp me. I'm alone. Fine, then! I'll just remain a prisoner inside of myself.
By myself. Maybe Ishould just finally submit, just full on become crazy? But that's scary. I knowwhat my imagination is capable of. I'd find myself in a padded cell before theyear ends. Now, I'm just typing all of my thoughts down. Sorry, I haven't beenable to get them out for the past two years. I shouldn't post this. I'mcrazy.

If you made it thisfar, thanks, I guess. This isn't a joke, so I'd appreciate it if you'd refrainfrom telling me to kill myself. 'Cause I'd probably do it. Oh, and please don'tfeed me all that bullcrap saying that: "ZOMG, don kill urselv! Ur fam wuldbe so sadddd!!11" -_________- I don't ing care. I could not give twos if it would hurt my family's 'feelings'. I just want to escape. Ifkilling myself is what it takes, then I'm going to ing do it. I repeat: Idon't give a if my family will be sad. So, please don't feed me thating bull.

... This got a littleoff track, but I'm going to suck it up, and post it. I expect nothing from yougood people, but I'mma do it anyway.

Am I a schizoid?God, I hope not. Am I being insensitive to actual schizoids by comparing myselfto their problems? I'm sorry if so.

First, a vivid imagination is normal for your age, as is a fair amount of social discomfort and anxiety. There are countless physical reasons like hormone surges that can be responsible for the issues you are experiencing, as well as mental health issues. You are fortunate to be young, as when I was your age, these issues were not understood and little could be done. Now, it seems half the population is treated at some point for mental issues.

Suicide is a really dumb idea. It's like having a stuck lid in a jar and solving the problem by blowing up the jar. You don't have to believe in God to see evidence all around you that this would is complex and bigger than you, so don't inflate the importance of this problem as the end of your world. Talk to your parents or a school counselor and ask for help with this problem. It can be addressed, which is like using a jar opening tool for an stuck lid instead if blowing up the jar. You may not feel it is worth it but know this: no parent ever recovers from the death of a child. Every parent will feel responsible if their child commits suicide. Your thoughts about suicide make this situation a medical emergency for you, so take your post and share it with your parents or school counselor or another trusted adukr now. Don't worry about what will happen next - one thing at a time, it will work out.

Let's start at the beginning: you are a 14 year old girl, and you live with your mother and 3 siblings. It might help to know what country.

I am a little puzzled that your mother is desperately poor yet you are online. That takes a computer and internet connection, which she is paying for, correct?

Was your father ever in the picture, and does he support all of you?

As for feeling reclusive, lonely, depressed and suicidal, I can relate. But you DO need therapy, and when you tell us where you live, we can start to give suggestions for finding someone to talk to. Crying to a therapist is better than crying alone in your room, believe me. It's their JOB to listen to your sadness and see your tears. It's their JOB to not get emotionally involved, and you won't drag him or her down. Finding outside help often starts with a school counselor.

Schizoid, where'd you get that? Do you know the definition? You don't have to answer, because it doesn't matter. Terms for various mental states are really just for insurance purposes, for the most part, and trying certain medications. You obviously have depression. Young people especially, when they go to doctors, often get different diagnoses as they are treated, and doctors even disagree. None of that really matters.

So please answer back below, and try to tell us the 'concrete' details so we can help.
Oh - and your mother needs to know that you are depressed enough to feel like killing yourself. You need to tell her to what degree it is, wishing, sort of planning, actually planning. Because as soon as you see a therapist, they will need to know the same thing. That's part of their job too. And try to stay out of your room. Spend time with your siblings.

I'm sure you realize that you are mentally ill. It is mental illness that is keeping you from living a better life. Where you are now, is raw, and dangerous, and at your age, without help, will only become more and more unbearable.

While circumstances contribute to how you feel, such as the poverty you describe, it is not the reason why you feel the way you do, or have the thoughts you have.

Hiding it is only a temporary fix, as you know, because the illness you suffer, keeps coming back to let you know it is still there, untreated.

It is not uncommon for many things to be diagnosed, as far as mental illness goes, in the early teen years. But, a diagnosis takes a psychiatrist, and that is what you need.

Like any other illness, once you are diagnosed, then the real help begins, with medication (likely) and therapy. Think of it as being diagnosed with a growth on your leg. It isn't enough that a Doctor says, "oh, you have a growth on your leg"- it has to be examined, it has to be figured out in how to treat it, and follow up to make sure it doesn't return. But if you choose to let the growth grow, it will become impossible to manage, and much harder to treat, and in the meanwhile, it may very well be making you sick.

No one here can diagnose anything, even if it is just an educated guess. But clearly what you have said so far, shows you need to see a psychiatrist, and you need to be diagnosed, and you need to be treated. No one here can diagnose a lump on your leg as just a big pimple, without being qualified to do so, and you need to see someone face to face. I would bring your post, and just show it to your psychiatrist, and get a jump on wading through the waters of 'how you feel' and 'how you think'.

I hope you post again, with at least where you live, and you will hopefully get answers as to where to go for help. I am in Canada, and know only this system for getting to a psychiatrist.

I hope you come back.