Hi, it had been long while since I posted in website and was looking for an opinion for my case...

Years and years ago I was in love with a guy who is same my religious and different nationality... we were in relationship for 4 years and when we decided to get married we told our parents. My father is very old school he didn't accpet at all and he want it me to marry someone from same ofmy nationality and he was worried that the marriage would fail and he take away the childern that would be the outcome of that marriage.

I tried to conveince my dad but he refuse I even try to talk to my uncles and my dad friends but I didn't get support also, same from sisters and borther...

My boyfriend back then couldn't wait any longer and he decided to move on since he was tired of waiting for my dad approval and I was really heartbroken...

Before him I went on several relationship from guys of same country and it was unsuccessful and totally damage me which makes me doesn't want to get involove again with same country partners...

After the break up... my relationship with my dad was changed I was spending time away more and more and I stop being the same caring daughter... he notice and after years he regeret and he was alwayes used to say that I'm away because I want to punish him... but it was not my intentions at all.. I was really sad and I didn't want to marry against his will...

4 years later I fall in love with my best friend and I thought it won't go anywhere as I already lost interest in settling down and getting married... he is different nationality and also different religious... things develop between us he was trying his best to avoid having the relationship due to our differences same as me but we couldn't... we are so matching and happy with each other and year and half later he ask me to marry him... and move together to new country... we both work outside our country same as my parents which I still live with them... I told him the religious doesn't allow this and he convert for me so we become same religious and can get married...

I'm 33 years old by the way... the hard part is t oface my family... this time I decided to marry him regardless my parents agree or not... because I was very sad person after my first break up and I don't want to repeat it again...

My dad just retire and he doesn''t get along well with my mum... he feel so sad that he doesn't work anymore and since he doesn't have pension he is depressed and feel useless because he will depend on us... he want to stay in same country where we live and find another job but he was not successful...

I introduce him to my boyfirend... my mum likes him and is willing to support me.. for my dad it is hard to digest the idea but he can't reject since a lot of damage between me and him happened after the first experince and I'm getting old and time for me to settle and get married...

He is even shy to tell his community that I'm going to marry the guy and he said he agrees but he doesn't want to attend and when I insist he say we need to do it in different place nad he will not tell his community I got married... our community is very racist and they don't hesitate to mock people who married from different culture nad he is so worried that they will mock him... he said if I got married to this guy he will go back to our country nad live there and he will cut all his connections... the problem is he is so lonely now and he only got this community...

I'm still going to marry my man but with very sad heart... I was hoping my dad reaction is different and also sad how he will isolate himself from everyone if the wedding took place...

How I can handle this... I cry almost every night... my brother was not suuportive and he is very close to my dad he even was so aggressive with my man when he come to our house to propose... and I get really offended and mad...

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time at a time that should be filled with joy and happiness.

I know there are many cultural differences around the world, but I personally believe people most often believe what they do simply because of where they happened to be born and raised. If your family happened to be from a different country, such as Japan or Germany, you AND your father would have most likely been raised to believe something different from what you do.

He is old school, as you said. Raised in a different generation when things were much stricter. It is truly unfortunate that he feels as he does... it is very manipulative that he puts you in such a position, but he feels what he feels and who knows if it is intentional or not to try and make you choose him over the man you want to marry.

Difficult decision, but part of becoming an adult in many countries, is making your own decisions... sometimes even when your parents may not agree. You start to shift away from so much of your parents' influence, and your spouse becomes more center in your life.

You'll have to decide if you are ready or not to make this man center in your life over your parents. It obviously is always easier, and nicer, to have their approval, but that doesn't always happen, and it then becomes their choice whether to stay in your life.

You can't make your dad like him... if you can't find a happy medium, then as an adult, you do what you think is best and you live with the consequences of it. And it is possible your father will NEVER accept him. Yes I know people in such a situtation.

It sounds like your culture, your religion, has very strict rules. Your father isn't standing in your way this time, but he realizes the consequences in your culture, that marrying this man will have. He's distancing himself, since there's nothing he can do about your choice, and he shouldn't have to suffer for it in his community, which is sadly what will happen.

He's doing what he can to make you happy, even if it means losing his community, moving, and being sad, because he wants you to be happy.

Sad as it is, you have two choices. Don't marry the guy, then your dad can live in his community, and have their support. Or marry the guy and take your dads sacrifice so you can do so.

There is no ending here that's going to be completely happy, simply because of where you live, and the beliefs that come with where you live.

Good luck.

Happy endings can be difficult but you are 33 years old, not 17. It is your life, make it the best for you.

Hi Lifeisbest,

First of all, I really hope and wish you all the luck. I think since I'm slightly older than you (35) I've crossed that level where you are standing at the moment.In my case it was my mother, who had a problem with the girl I wanted to marry (now my sweet loving wife) and after years of fights, threats, blames & attempts to breakup our marriage, my mother is finally back in the motherland.

To give you little bit of a background, I've had a very close relation with my mother as my father passed away when I was 10 years old. I was the only child of my mother & father but from her previous marriage my mother was already 3 kids although they have been married since they were quite older than me and living separately.

So I was pretty much raised as the only child, & I had a very close relation with my mother. She selected a girl for my in the family and got us engaged. I liked the girl and was happy and as I started to get close to my fiancé, my mother actually called the engagement off!

No.. No one asked me like it didn't matter.. so I was annoyed and told my mother now if I will be marrying it will be a girl of my choice. So I did.. as I started working soon after the breaking of my engagement (just to keep myself busy). I think I was doing OK that my company transferred me over to another country where I met my beautiful wife, she had the same religion as me but she didn't understand a word of my language and till date we communicate in English.

This was one of my mother's problem, her real problem is that she is possessive and takes it as my wife is stealing me from her. Humans are not property of anyone.. she doesn't get it!

I'm not going to make it lengthy by listing all what I did and went through trying to keep my mother & my wife united under the same roof.. but can just summarise it that whenever there was a issue it was raised by my mum and given such a hype that I just can't explain.

Finally, I was given this last ultimatum that I need to leave my wife or my mother will go back to homeland and will live alone there and as I'm a father of 3 kids now.. I told her she is dreaming, she can do whatever she wants. So she is back there and continues her "emotional torture" from there.

Dealing with all these issues, the only advice I would like to offer you is that there is nothing better than marrying your best friend... Fathers, mother sometimes think of their children as their property which is wrong.. & "emotional torture" is much worse than physical torture, as the scars never go away!

So if you are sure of the person you are marrying, take matters in your hands and make your own choice. Always remember, never regret once you have made a choice as it has to be the best choice you can make in your scenario.

All the best, try to ignore negativity and be happy, you surely don't want to be a mess like I'm at the moment. (having lost 13 kilos in 4 months, just stress!) I get really annoyed when someone says I've been on a diet or bla bla.

Take care, hoping things will workout for you in the bestest way possible.

Regards,
Rey