My wife recently confessed to me that she was having an affair with another married man. I had suspected it all along, with her acting very distant towards me. When I came home from my deployment she explained to me that she was not happy and that maybe she had changed in her life. The feelings she once had for me were no longer there. I was confused about her feelings and thought there was an external influence but kept my mouth shut and gave her the benefit of the doubt. I was home for 15 days and she told me there were no external influences and I had no reason to think there was another person involved. Deep down I knew because it was the only thing that made sense to me. I redeployed back to Iraq after my 15 days knowing that my intimacy with my wife somewhat felt empty when I was there. The fact that she did not want to kiss me was a big indication to me about my intuition. After a month of being back in Iraq she finally broke down and told me the news, I was devastated and hurt. She told me that the affair started in December of 06 and continued up until last month in March. I felt betrayed and hurt because the 15 days that I was home on leave she lied to me and after I left she still continued have this affair. I felt used, to know that I was intimate with my wife and she kept this secret in her. She broke down crying and she was devastated to know that she had hurt me the way she did, and feels guilty that she has befreinded our frienship and the well being of our family. I know she is sorry deep down and understands what she did is wrong. But she continues to tell me that she wants passion in her life. She wants to love me, and wants the intimacy in us, but yet she is afraid that she does not. Is she going through a mid life crisis in her life.?. She is 31 and trying to discover herself. We have had our problems in the past with a lack of communication and poor problems solving skills between us. I in some way feel a little responsible due the fact that at times I was never there for her emotionally and her needs probably were never met. We married young and had two young boys. I admitt that we were a little immature and but we knew our strengths and weakness in our relationship and we always manage to pull each other out of our darktimes. She has told me that she feels as though she is not living and the passion in the affair made her feel as though she was. It was not so much the phyiscal aspect of the affair she liked, but the mental and emotional gradification of it. The feeling of being desired and wanted, along with affection. In our relationship this year I had thought that we were much closer this year than in the past. She had written me love letters and we talk very intimately over the phone during my deployment. We revived our love last year going to Kuaui on little get away and spending time with one another. We hed hands everywhere we went and it was almost like we were dating. I really thought things were fine up until I felt this distance in her around January. I am hurt and I have put my feeling aside in this situation, to be the bigger person and not make things worse with my own feelings of pain and hurt. She is my best friend in the whole world, and she feels the same about me, but how do I forgive her? Is time and distance the best course of action here? Am I wrong or right to try to understand her feelings and putting mine aside to find closure in the greater good. To complicate things she is unsure what she wants in her life. One minute it is me, and the next it is not me... I truly feel that she wants out of this marriage to explore herself. Did she damage us forever by her actions and her emotional confusion? We continue to talk and email each other and I am the one that begins the conversations and listens to her. She is afraid because she wants in one way to be free, but is afraid to lose my friendship. In my times when I was not there for her, she understands that I did take care of her and was there in some way. I am her truest friend and I am not perfect, loving me is no walk in the park. But I have and want this marriage to work, to make all the bad into good and define our love to one another in a way that speak volumes for future couples to follow. I truly believe that our marriage is worth saving but does any one think that it is simply time and age and time to let go of my best friend to give her freedom, to be her own person. I simply do not understand and I am torn between my feelings and her feelings.

You can't put your feelings aside. She made the choice to step out - not you. If you want to make this work - she has to acknowledge and take responsibility for what she has done. It sounds like she is trying to turn this around on you and make you feel bad for what she has done.
By being in the military and on deployment - how often do you get to come home? Are you fighting in the war?
You need to know that you can trust her for this to work. If she wants to figure her life out - then let her. You can not make a marriage work alone.
Good Luck.

This is not you, people who cheat, men or women, want to try and blame their mate because they don't want to take the responsibility and don't want to even be honest to thierself.

If you want to make it work it will take a lot of counseling and maybe even months if not years to get over all for it. If she is not willing to accept the blame and admit what she does is wrong, she is not wanting to change and make it right.

You can't put your feelings aside. She made the choice to step out - not you. If you want to make this work - she has to acknowledge and take responsiblity for what she has done. It sounds like she is trying to turn this around on you and make you feel bad for what she has done.
By being in the military and on deployment - how often do you get to come home? Are you fighting in the war?
You need to know that you can trust her for this to work. If she wants to figure her life out - then let her. You can not make a marriage work alone.
Good Luck.


Thanks for the advice she does understand what she has done was wrong and is deeply sorry. It is a matter of trust and some time to mend things back.