Hi all...

Ok, so where do I start? I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do...

Firstly, I met my fiancé earlier this year. We got engaged in June, with a planned wedding in January next year.

She is an amazing lady, who swept me off my feet completely. I have previously been married, for 17 years, and got divorced about two years ago. This is in no way a rebound relationship for me, as I went through those things shortly after the divorce.

Anyway... I recently found out that my fiancé was still seeing her ex (intimately) for the first two months that we were dating and that I thought we were exclusive. I found out by having a look at her mobile phone (which I swore I would never do, but just some nagging feelings made me look). I feel terrible for looking, but it confirmed the degree of infidelity.

After confronting her, she initially said that she did not cheat on me. She said that from the minute she said that she loved me, that she completely broke it off with her ex. And that she as a single mom, had to look out for the best for everyone and not have blind faith that we would work out. She never apologised, and she basically made me feel like the bad one for 'being selfish' in digging and making her have to face dififcult feelings and dark places of her past (there is a lot more that I will not go into now). I told her that I forgave her, but that she needed to please not lie to me and certainly not cheat on me in future.

Anyway... I have had some continuing nagging feelings... and a day ago happened to see her e-mail (it was open on the shared PC we have), where she had responded to a Locanto advert for a sexual encounter with a stranger! I have not confronted her about this as I promised I would never check her messages again. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. If I confront her, she will know that I don't trust her, and that I checked her mail. I have lost all trust in her, and at the same time, I am so deeply in love with her, I don't want to lose her. She is a very special person, and deep down I think she is absolutely amazing. I don't know if she is just being self destructive because of her past and low self esteem, or if she actually has a sexual addiction or some other issue?

I also know that she has other secrets about her past (again, I won't go into all of that now), that she knows that I kind of know, but she refuses to share with me, as she hasn't "dealt with all her demons".

I guess this isn't all of it, but trying to condense it a bit. My head says one thing, but my heart says another. What the hell do I do?

Do not ignore the red flags. It isn't easy to think about putting the brakes on plans of marriage, but the last thing you want to do is get married again when you aren't even sure that you can trust the other person. You do not want to be married and wonder about what she may or may not be doing that you don't know about.

She is not ready to be in a committed relationship if she still has demons to deal with and you, her supposed life partner, knows little about them, and she refuses to discuss it. They will follow both of you into your marriage.

How long was she single before you started dating? Could you be a rebound relationship for her?

Tread slowly, since you both have been married before, and there are some concerns, perhaps suggesting premarital counseling with her might be beneficial. How concerns are dealt with now will be how they are dealt with in marriage, so give yourself time to reflect and decide how things are going and if they are likely to change or not to your satisfaction.

She may be a great person, and you love her, but that doesn't necessarily make her a good life partner for you. If she is open to working on this with you, will tell you more about whether or not things can change.

Personally, for me there would be too many secrets and unknowns going on to want to deal with.

I would take this information and have a frank conversation with her as to why you are ending the relationship. You need to listen to your instincts and end the relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater is my philosophy. You got engaged awfully soon. I'd enjoy being single for a while and take my time before entering into a relationship like this. You are already living with someone (shared computer) you've known for 7 months. I'm not sure when that happened, but do you truly know someone in 5 months? Enough to marry them?

Call off the wedding until you have worked through these issues and know a whole lot more. I won't bite my tongue here, and not to be harsh but planning to marry someone after 5/6/7 months is crazy as hell, given you have been through a divorce before and know how things can change for the worse.

You should know better than to rush these things so tell your heart to shut the hell up.

Only you know the full story and how many other red flags you have been ignoring. Pay attention to the warning signs. Be honest with yourself and her. Things will only get worse if you aren't.

She may get upset but she left the email open on a shared computer. That sounds like she may be feeling like there are problems she is trying to force both of you to face. Those problems may be from her "demons" or from the speed with which your relationship has progressed. Either way, you need to communicate with each other. Decide if there is a way to salvage the relationship and rebuild the trust. I suggest counseling if you do try to keep this relationship. If there isn't, make it a clean break. Don't go through trying to be friends or having a break.

If you feel like you cannot trust her and don't think the trust can be rebuilt, walk away. Better to leave than to allow negative emotions to lead to negative actions and/or to destroy what positive feelings are still there.

She may be a great person, but she needs to fight her demons. You cannot and should not be her rescuer. If part of you wants to be her knight-in-shining-armor, put it in the dungeon until it comes to its senses.

SOrry to tell you , it is a rebound relationship... only a year after a divorce... and planning to marry after only knowing her for a year is seriously jumping the gun.

And as you can see... this is why you wait at least 3 years to even talk about it... you learn all this things BEFORE its too late... you got lucky you found this out before you got married. Being in such a rush to get married before you really get to know the person is why so many divorces take place...

And as you suspect... if there is this how many more is there.. if you decide to give her a chance ( I wouldn't)... take the wedding off the table for at least another couple years to give you both time to rationally sort this all out and any new stuff before you end up in a second divorce fairly soon after.

Be practical here, and think logically, and set the emotion aside that compels you to be blinded by 'love'. What you have described of this woman, is not a relationship of trust, fidelity, respect, honesty, or love.

And when you cross all of those things off the list of what you (or anyone) wants in a serious relationship, what are you left to build that relationship on?

There is nothing there to justify why you would ignore the evidence, and the knowledge that likely furthers your reasons to be a little nervous right now. You chose not to share what you do know of her past, but I assume there is a lot of drama involved.

Don't marry someone you do not know. And you do not know this woman, and what you do know of her is not good news.

Hi all,

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond. I appreciate all your insights and inputs. Many hard truths mentioned. I will let you know how it goes once I decide when and how to best tackle this...

Heartfelt thanks again...

Regards,

P

I will add more opinion, while perhaps a little softer, still some hard truths.

First I am sorry, this is happening.

The first couple of months, you thought exclusive, and I will assume she did not. I may not even call that cheating, unless you both where specific. During one or two months of dating someone, why would it be exclusive? Unless it was talked and discussed?

The issue, is that it was with her ex. ( well he was not even really an ex) It sounds like she and he was not really over, and you were caught too early into their break up.

Perhaps she has a sexual side to her, that you do not know. I have been with Ella, the women I will marry next week for just over a year. And I will be honest, that even after a year and three months of those living together, there are some things I do not know as well as perhaps I should.

The past, I would never worry about, but the present is something to worry about.

She may have sexual desires, like hook ups with strangers, that she has not told you about. ( it does sound like that)

But her leaving it on a jointly used computer, shows that she perhaps wanted you to see it.

Time to have a honest talk, and at least put the wedding off, till you have found out, more about each other.

Good luck to you. It is hard to make these kinds of decisions- doubt always seems to fester, from a molehill to a mountain sort of way.

I hope you do let us know how you made out, and post again if you need opinions as things go on.

Take care.