My mum has always thought it was her right to know absolutely everything about me and everything going on in my life, and that has never bothered me until now.

I'm 14 years of age, and not particularly a bad kid. I have never done anything that I wasn't allowed to do nor have I ever disobeyed. Sometimes, however, I won't mention things, as it is not necessary, and I do not really get along with my mother in the way that we are completely different and have already agreed to disagree. This works all right with us; I don't mind that I am different from her and am actually very glad. I never fight back as my mother often only acts on impulse and becomes angry with me in short, impulsive normally impractical bursts. I always just take it and don't speak.

As I said, I'm not a bad kid at all. I do everything I'm told, but of course, I have my own independent thoughts and feelings and interests. These are reflected in diary entries, photos, and things I have saved to my phone and devices. They aren't anything I ought to hide and are completely innocent and justifiable, but I am still a bit miffed by the fact my mother feels its automatically her right to just take my things and go through them.

Tonight she just grabbed my phone and went through ALL my photos- which are innocent, but I couldn't help but want to absolutely scream and throw a tantrum about the fact she thinks it is her right to just look through my things. I hinted at her that I didn't particularly want her to go through my things, as my mother is the suspicious kind that if I asked her not to, she would just bombard me with questions and be further encouraged to look through my things and then be even more paranoid.

I'm incredibly frustrated because I have never done anything to make her suspicious or disrespect me, but she still just easily abuses her control and acts as if my belongings are also her belongings.

I am really very upset about this and not sure what to do. I honestly don't mind her looking through them- I don't need her to simply stop but I need her to understand that it infuriates me and that there is no logic behind her acting as if she owns me. She has been like this for my entire life on various occasions, but this is a more grey area because of the whole 'parental duty' vs. 'privacy' thing.


Thank you so much!!

You are 14, you don't support yourself or pay for anything, you really have little responsibility, You have no right to privacy.

Your parents ARE legally responsible for your welfare, and they are actually legally and civilly responsible if you do many things that are irresponsible or illegal.

Which means you do something dumb... THEY have to pay for it. A good and responsible parent keeps a close eye on their kids and knows what they are doing.

Ask any 14 year old (or 16 year old for that matter) and they think they are never doing anythingt wrong and they are perfectly justified doing it... ask the same people when they are 19 and they won't say the same thing they did years earlier.

You very well might be a good kid, in fact... I hope you are. But in your teen years you don't have the best judgement and are succeptibly to peer pressure and being talked into doing the wrong things... and your parents need to see this before its too late to prevent it from happening.

Anything you have beyond a bed, clothes, food and medical care (the only things you have a RIGHT to at your age)... are privileges you earn through good behaviour.

I was just like you (53 years ago!) except of course we didn't have phones and computers, but did have diaries and letters.
It isn't easy to separate a teen's right to personal opinions from the right of a parent to direct a teen's life. You do have to follow their rules - they bought everything you live in, eat, wear, and use, they are legally liable for you, they have a moral and ethical responsibility for you, and they probably love you.
But more than that, they WORRY in the face of the horrors that go on in the world. Just because you are a good kid doesn't mean that you wouldn't naively get involved in something dangerous or harmful. Yes, I know you are smart and are positive that nothing is going to happen, but I join the billions of other parents who KNOW that things do happen, every day, to kids just like you.
So my advice is two fold: don't store anything on your phone and computer that you don't mind anyone seeing, and keep developing your own view of life and the world in a way that can be explained maturely if needed, but mostly keep it to yourself. Four years may seem like an eternity to wait for the right to do what you want, but wait you must.

As a mother I have to admit that these days parents have to be more proactive in keeping up with what their children are doing. Many people are holding parents accountable when their 12-17 year old children are cyber bullying, sexting and sending inappropriate pictures. So, parents have to be aware of what is going on. Only way to do that is to look because many teens won't tell when asked.

Be glad you have a cell phone. Some parents still feel that minors shouldn't have them. Don't do anything that you know you shouldn't. Understand that your mother is doing her job. It may seem like paranoia to you but, unfortunately, the parents who aren't a bit paranoid are the ones who are in denial when their child gets arrested for drugs, underage drinking, sharing nude pictures, etc. They are also the parents who end up with their children being parents before they are high school graduates.

You may be a great kid. But you are also young and the temptations to do things you shouldn't will be growing. This something your mother understands. She has lived through it (believe it or not.)

With all that said, maybe she could be a bit more understanding of your need for privacy and feeling more in control of your life. I don't know because I am not there to watch your interactions and people (not just teens) tend to attempt to make themselves look a bit better than they may be.

You can try talking to her and politely and maturely express your feelings. Ask her if there is some way she can set boundaries that give you some privacy and help you learn how to be a responsible adult.

So show her what you wrote in your original post. Use that as a starting point for a conversation. Tell her that you know she pays for the phone and provides you with support and shelter, but as a growing teen you are entitled to some amount of control over "your" things. Explain to her you feel, since you have never given her any concern over doing bad things, that you should be given some measure of independence.

Personally I agree with that, though I also agree she has the right to check your phone since, and I'm assuming here, that she pays for it.

You are 14. Everything you have she provides. She has every right to go through your phone and she should periodically. A parent needs to know what their young teen is up to. You just never know.