Hi, I haven't posted anything in quite while (due to not needing to). I met this girl about a week ago in my local drinking hole - she was cute and I knew that I needed to chat to her, we chatted and got on really well (she's an exchange student and hadn't been in the country for very long, approx 2 days), we eventually kissed and it escalated quite quickly. I walked her back to where she was staying; she not only requested my number but also if I could see her again (so far so good).

We arranged to meet up a couple of days later for lunch, which again went really well - we kissed a lot, our affections were mutually instigated i.e sometimes I would go in for a kiss, other times her (her affections were slightly more "coupley" and intimate). I had some things to do later on in the day but she said that she would come with me, then we could get some food and top back to hers (again so far so good). We spent the rest of the evening together just drinking, chatting, kissing/groping (I don't know the best way to describe it, but things got heated). The all of a sudden she started crying and getting upset, she said I reminded her of someone close to her (I thought an ex) and she quickly responded that it wasn't. She said my affections reminded her of everything that she's left behind. We kissed some more and things got heated up before I had to leave (it was about 11:45pm).

Now this for me, is where I just don't understand what's happened. She text me later on the following day, explaining that:

"Hey, I just wanted to say I had a really great time yesterday. You are very sweet and I really enjoyed our conversations. But I was thinking after you left last night that for now at least we should just be friends. I'm not really reading to be getting into something, even something casual right now. With just having moved here and also just having gone through a really horrible break up, I'm just not ready at the moment. Hope you understand and sorry to put this in text I just really wanted to clarify my feelings and perhaps my weird behaviour towards the end of the evening."

So, I replied with this:

"Hey..., I had a really great time too. I understand your coming to a new country, you've got a lot on you plate with your studies and we kind of rushed into this. However, I do really like you and if you ever wanted to pick this up again that would be more than ok with me."

I sent this message in the evening (once I had thought things through i.e not irrationally texting her) and she replied minutes later (which in my head implies that she was waiting for my message - hence having some kind of interest in me?) with this:

"Thank you for understanding. I think we could still be good friends. We have a lot in common and you are a very interesting person."

Now, what I'm getting from all this, is that I'm in the friend zone and I have no idea how this happened. My non-understanding of all this that everything form of affection was mutual - I wasn't too needy, I teased and joked with her and as she rightly pointed out, we have a wealth of stuff in common. Now I've only messaged her once since receiving this message (which was about a week later) and that was to wish her luck on her first day of her course (which she also replied to about half an hour later), now I don't mind not messaging her at all.

Really what I'm interested in understanding is if I'm wasting my time attempting to get out of the friend zone as I do really like her, and if based on what I've done so far is a step in the right direction?

Sorry for the long winded question, I just felt sometimes it's good to write all the facts out first. Any advice would be most appreciated.

You've only known her for a week! Slow it down bucko.

I agree. Way too fast. Relationships that start this fast are typically doomed to fail. Plus she's not ready by her own words. At least she was honest about it. You have left the door open for her and if you can handle just being friends, there is probably no harm in that. It's just how long are you willing to wait?

In all honesty, of course you are in the friend zone. You've only known her a week. She's in a new country and she is fresh out of a breakup. You don't want to be the rebound do you?

Be her friend for now and see what develops later. It's way too early for any kind of relationship... even a friendship. You can't make a friend in a week.

I agree. Way too fast. Relationships that start this fast are typically doomed to fail. Plus she's not ready by her own words. At least she was honest about it. You have left the door open for her and if you can handle just being friends, there is probably no harm in that. It's just how long are you willing to wait?

Thank you both so much, it really helps to get an unbiased perspective on this. Your right I don't know her, but I also know I want to know her. So I will be her friend, just the non-needy relaxed kind of friend. :)

If you don't want to be needy, stop texting her. Let her reach out to you. If she feels a connection, she will reach out. If she doesn't, she won't.

I don't know what you are expecting to happen, but she said she isn't ready. Maybe you aren't either since just friends seems to confuse you. Its pretty clear if you want a friend to have fun getting to know, then she is available for that, but if you want a grope buddy look else where.

She doesn't want to be your grope buddy, and that's pretty clear. If you can't just be friends with no other expectations, that's sad, but leave her alone. I would adjust what you expect from her. This water hole pickup isn't going where you want it to. Quick casual lusty sex. If that's what you wanted go back to the water hole and try again. If you want a friend, be one.

Foolish to expect a romantic relationship at this point though, not after a week. Come on that's crazy!

As every one already said... back off and slow down. She needs and wants her space... how much and how long is up to her, she just got out of one relationship, she flat out told you as much. Push her and she won't even want to be a friend and it won't take much to do that.
I mean cripes... you just met her a week ago... put an ice pack in your shorts if that's what it takes. If she's worth having, then she's worth taking a lot of time to get to know.

I don't know what you are expecting to happen, but she said she isn't ready. Maybe you aren't either since just friends seems to confuse you. Its pretty clear if you want a friend to have fun getting to know, then she is available for that, but if you want a grope buddy look else where.

She doesn't want to be your grope buddy, and that's pretty clear. If you can't just be friends with no other expectations, that's sad, but leave her alone. I would adjust what you expect from her. This water hole pickup isn't going where you want it to. Quick casual lusty sex. If that's what you wanted go back to the water hole and try again. If you want a friend, be one.

Foolish to expect a romantic relationship at this point though, not after a week. Come on that's crazy!

What I wanted from her wasn't casual sex, from the outset I wanted to date her and get to know her. Our affections as I said were not one-sided she instigated physical and mental affection as much as I did. We got on immensely well, she's like a friend I'd known for years with an added sexual attraction. Which is why I was conflicted by her message/behaviour. Regardless, I would like to see her again, but I don't want to fall into the trap of me doing all the leg work just to get to know her as a friend.

Then don't make her the only object of your attention, or affection. Keep other options and opportunities open. Matter of fact, just be cool and keep doing your thing like you were before you met her.

Sometimes you will do a lot of work hoping it will lead to something better, only to later realize its never going to happen. That's the reality of the world. There are no sure things... even if you both might feel the same way... and certainly if one of you doesn't.

One of these days you might find yourself the object of some females affection/obsession and well, lets just say she manages to creep you out progressively more and she seems to get more and more attached to you.

A lot of things will start making a lot of sense after you have an experience like that. Because then you would be able to put yourself in the position of someone that is lets say... less enthusiastic than you yourself might be at the moment. Most people try to be nice and throw out lots of hints... to spare the other person the embarasment of being blunt and direct... sometimes they see them, sometimes they don't. But most people will not be direct.

She's not there yet based on what you have said so far... but it would be easy to go there. Patience, restraint, self control... and try to be objective as difficult as that might be (and here is where some people really screw up)... to see those hints if she starts tossing them out.

Let her set the pace. Or she will get very uncomfortable very quickly.

Regardless, I would like to see her again, but I don't want to fall into the trap of me doing all the leg work just to get to know her as a friend.

So, you aren't interested in being friends with her unless it leads to a romantic relationship. Walk away and let it go if you can't be her friend without an expectation of 'more'.

There might be an attraction. She may feel it too. But that doesn't mean she is looking for the same thing you are. It may also be that she is alone and feeling confused because you reminded her of someone else. She may be afraid that she was using you as a stand-in for the person she remembers.

You want to look ahead then think about this: She is an exchange student which means she won't be staying in the same country you are in. Once her classes are over she will be returning to her home. Realistically, how long will she be in your area? If it develops into a romantic relationship what do think will happen when she leaves or is part of you looking for a romance with an expiration date?

Being her friend is not a method to get what you want. It is not a consolation prize for not getting into a romantic relationship with her. Her friendship is a prize in itself.

What I wanted from her wasn't casual sex, from the outset I wanted to date her and get to know her. Our affections as I said were not one-sided she instigated physical and mental affection as much as I did. We got on immensely well, she's like a friend I'd known for years with an added sexual attraction. Which is why I was conflicted by her message/behaviour. Regardless, I would like to see her again, but I don't want to fall into the trap of me doing all the leg work just to get to know her as a friend.


I'd also Like to add to the point Cat1864 made (it wouldn't let me reply directly), It's not that I can't have a friendship with her without expecting a relationship (the later would be very lovely). What I don't want to do is for her to think I'm contacting her on the basis of gaining her affections. I've laid my cards out to her - she knows I like her, which is something that will always be in the back of her mind. I would like to keep in contact with her (and when she does move back) as I do appreciate that her friendship is a prize in itself. However, I don't want to start making anymore mistakes that could potentially push her away, as I do really like her for who she is (based on the little time I spent with her).

I guess what I'm actually getting at is, is that I don't regret the decisions I made as they were mutual (other than the final later one made by her). And I am accepting that we both rushed into it without really knowing each other, the later of which I would still very much like to do. What I meant by me questioning "Am I in the friend zone?", is that because we did everything in reverse I know don't know how to be a friend without her thinking that I like her and am being too needy - and having that as potential power over me. Hope that makes sense. Thank you all for feedback too.

You will never know what happens until it happens. You haven't made any mistakes, it just didn't work like you wanted it to. It's only as big a deal as you make it. I wouldn't get stuck on it. LOL, that's easy for me to say since I wasn't there. But I would sure give it some thought before I acted on whatever feelings you are having about this situation.

Friend Zone ain't bad if you have other options for fun, romance and SEX!! Usually that's the first thing a guy asks when you meet someone at the watering hole. Remember what she told you. JUST FRIENDS. The rest is YOU thinking too much.