Frustrated husband after 28yrs with wife needs to vent, so thank you for reading...

My wife is great. Always willing to give a hand to those who need it. Everyone just adores her since she's there whenever they need someone to 'step up'. And, I am there to support her for work or volunteering and would gladly help the causes she feels needs it. Personality-wise, this works since she is a very good people person and me, not so much.

However, this volunteering has become too much of a burden for me. I've had numerous discussions with her to voice my discontent with the time it's taken up for both of us. I've suggested cutting back to volunteering roles vs the leadership roles, but she feels obligated to the community to continue in these positions. Most of the time, the 'bulk' of the grunt work falls on my shoulders since the other volunteers just happen to 'disappear' or have other commitments. Of course, I do this since she is responsible if it isn't done right.

My real complaint is that this foregoes any 'quality' time we can have between the two of us, or with our kids. I wouldn't miss the ridiculous politics that comes with this either though.

I've also brought up the fact that we both have household responsibilities and she's constantly shirking hers at the expense of helping everyone else. I don't know how many times I've heard the reference to a 'quick/easy meal' or eating leftovers for meals days on end. It's not like I can take 'shortcuts' hand washing the dishes. Even the children have noticed.

Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that she must enjoy the attention too much to give it up, even at the expense of family time.

It really disappoints me that I can't help her understand my point of view. She always brings up the point that I should be more helpful. I bring up the point that for every unit of work she volunteers for, it leaves me with double the work helping her with it and making up for the time she doesn't spend on her family responsibilities.

My philosophy is that you should take care of yourself before you help to take care of others. This shouldn't be at the expense of enjoying your own life.

For example, this happened just last week... We go to a BBQ, it getting late and sun is coming down, everyone is packing up. Kids are off with friends (no issue since they should be having fun at their age). I tell my wife we need to pack up. What happens... I am left to packing the tent, canopy, cooler, blankets, toys, bbq... Basically everything myself. Where is my wife, where else but chatting and helping everyone else pack their stuff. This is typical.

I'm tired of being her 'mule' and being cast as the 'awful husband who isn't willing to be more helpful'

The past two years, I've stopped planning any vacations on my own. Not that I am not capable, but part of the fun was to plan excursions together and look through things you can do together while you're away. I'd continually suggest sitting down together to do this together but she just says 'you're good at it. I just want to go to a, b, c... '. She is a very good planner too. My wife would gush about how she'd be preparing elaborate plans for work, down to step by step instructions for getting to events.

Well, I'm no longer her travel agent either. So guess what, we haven't taken any extended trips in the last two years either.

I don't expect things will change much. I'm just getting tired of being taken advantage of and looking like the bad husband for trying to do more together or as a family.

Thank you for letting me vent

You shoukd print this and show it to her. Explain that these people she helps have family who help each other. Ask her who you should ask when you need help .

Nice vent/rant, but a 3 day fishing trip, or golf outing, or a week of hunting is the best way for a guy to get the rigors of married life out of his system, and refresh his mind, body, and soul.

Just curious though. Do you really have leftovers at your house? How do you manage that... with kids??

It is sad that after 28 years, you are feeling deserted, and your needs and wants go without consideration, when she is keeping up with her needs and wants, at your expense.

Where is the compromise in other words, such as you've suggested. It is very sad to me that this is so one sided, and that she can't see where she needs to compromise.

That you are the 'assistant' in her volunteer work, doing the grunt work nobody else wants to do, isn't just a one time thing. By the sound of it, she counts on your continued support most of the time, whether you are willing or not.

So, what happens when you say no more? Have you tried? There is no reason why you should be tied to the hip to your wife, or to anyone else.

That is one option, tell her you've had enough, and you will not assist any further, or volunteer- at all. Then stick to it.

Or, and this is the option I prefer, like dontknownuthin pointed out, show her a copy of your post. Then to add to that, tell her that you'd like to sit and talk to her the next day- just the two of you, off to a coffee shop, or a park. Let the information sit a bit, before it's discussed.

She is so busy, she may not realize just how serious a situation this is. I hope that is the case.

A third option, is to arrange counseling. If she won't go, you go. Not only to show how serious you are about making changes in your marriage, but you will also learn how not to be at her beck and call, and learn that marriage is indeed a two way street, and you are entitled to expect more out of your marriage, without the guilt of asking for it.

You sound like a very reasonable person to me. And you sound like a really tolerant husband to put up with all this volunteering. I'd say you need to find a solution.