I am at wits end with my friend. I am probably a glutton for punishment and I already know that. It's just whenever I try to walk away, it's like he knows how to suck me back in.

Anyway, here's the story. My friend did something that landed him in a legal bind. Since that happened he is stuck in a loop of being broke and needing financial help. He doesn't directly asks me but he knows enough that if he says certain things or drop certain hints that I will help him out. He knows me well. I have resisted helping him before because I am feeling quite used but then he just changes tactics and before I know it I am helping him again!

From time to time I remind him that he needs to really prioritize his expenses. That being unemployed, in a legal bind and in the financial hole that he is he cannot afford to go out every other day or attend concerts every weekend. He says he agrees with me but then he still goes. He still spends money he doesn't have to hang out with his friends (not me, we live in different states). He spends money on concert tickets, booze and drugs... things that got him in the financial trouble to begin with.

I don't want to cut him off completely from my life because he is one of my best friends but I don't know how to stop myself from falling for his money sucking tactics. I want to be his friend but I am not a bank and I don't want to be seen as a doormat. Every time I bring this up he accuses me of bringing drama in the friendship. I don't see it as drama. I see it as being fair to me. Am I wrong?

Same friend?

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/should-even-bother-787111.html

@J_9 Yes! Same friend. And like I said I'm a glutton for punishment. I already walked away before but he begged to be friends again and promised things would change and I believed him and then we're back to where we started.

I want to believe that people can change but I am strongly suspecting that he is not one of those...

You are caught up in the circle of abuse.

He won't change. You have already found that out. Friends don't treat friends the way he treats you. You are not his friend, you are his bank.

It hurts to hear it but I know it's true. I have been wanting to walk away because I feel like I'm being used but it's like he senses it and does things that make me think he will change. After seeing this cycle repeat over several months, I am pretty sure I am being manipulated.

What should I do? Should I just stop talking to him? I've done this several times already and he always manages to suck me back in. Do I just have a straight talk with him and say we can't be friends anymore and state the reasons? I don't want to be mean but I can't continue being used this way. I work for a living too!

You walk away. Block him from all forms of contact. He doesn't need an explanation, he already knows what he is doing.

It's not going to be easy. I know that and so do you. But you have to be strong. You don't need someone in your life who is going to suck the life out of you.

Thank you! It's not easy. I have tried it several times. I have blocked him from social media before and he just finds a way to contact me, through common friends or even his parents. His parents like me. They think I am a good influence to him. I like them too but I can't do this anymore. I am tired of always wondering if I am being used. True friendship should never have that issue. I just need a better way to avoid any contact with him. It's going to be hard. I just hope I can resist the pleas, and guilt trips that he likes using on me in order for me to respond.

Thank you again for your input J_9.

Let me be your friend, I sure could use money for concert tickets and to go out and party.

You are being used, even if a friend, you need to cut the money off. If you are really a friend, he will still be the friend. That way you can find out , if they are really a friend or not

'Your submission could not be processed because the token has expired.'

Phooey! My long response disappeared twice!

It basically said DROP THIS. You haven't listened to any advice from before. You are married, and owe the marriage that money, and your husband your time, except occasionally, as you would any long distance friend. You haven't said one peep about what your husband says. You concern over every little thing that happens with this guy's parents is inappropriate. Something about the whole relationship is overdone, and you don't seem to have ordinary boundaries. So you need to STOP.

Unless he wears a loin cloth, lives in a cave, and chases you with a club to keep you in line, you have no excuse not to wake up and smell the coffee.

You, to him, are a 'mark', and he takes full advantage of being a 'friend' to you, in order to extract money. I don't see this as a problem that a woman in the year 2014 can't solve simply by putting on her big girl panties, and saying 'no'.

Consider too that what you give, you will never get back. A real friendship, or the money that you have loaned him. You need to let all expectations go, and realize that this 'friendship' is not a friendship, it never was, and never will be.

You are his doormat. Drop him and get a real friend.

Don't give him a dime... he's an adult, and its time he owns up to his own responsibilities and liabilities.

He can't use you as an ATM is you use your intelligence and tell him NO....you have your own obligations you NEED your money for.

And you do.....you had better be saving money for your retirement unless you want to live in poverty when you get old.

And every one dollar you waste on this loser is like one hundred or more you won't have in savings when you get to retirement age (the wonders of compounding interest). Give that some serious thought.

I have lots of friends...I don't give ANY money to any of them. Any friend you have to pay to keep, isn't a friend worth having.

Thanks for all the sound advice. I do need a major wake up call about this issue.

I have blocked him before in social media and email. I have stopped returning his texts and phone calls. I have basically walked away from him. And I was doing really good too. But he figured out a way to contact me and eventually convince me that he will listen to my advice and he changed and he really missed my friendship. So for month or so after we started contact things were great. No request for help. He was looking for a job. I thought he was turning his life around.

Then this month he's back to his old self. Partying, drinking, and doing things he can't afford to do then complaining about being broke. I haven't given him a dime and ignored his little side comments about losing his car and other stuff. This week he said he wants to take his dog to the vet because she hasn't been eating but he can't afford to take her because he is so broke so she's just suffering and he doesn't know what to do... tug on my heartstrings is what he did. So I said I'd loan him money (which I know will not be paid back) so he can take his dog to vet. He did. Then he went to TWO concerts this week! I was mad! So he can afford to go to two concerts but not have money to take his dog to vet? I feel so stupidly used.

So this morning, after reading all the replies (thank you very much everyone), I blocked him again... on everything. I just need to have a really strong resolve not to be sucked back in again with promises of changing and being a better person. I don't think he will ever change.

You're wise to just walk away, and the sooner the better.

He sort of reminds me of a person with any sort of problem; drinking, drugs, gambling, etc. The problems result in more problems, and nothing ever gets resolved, until he decides to learn how to stop the cycle of addiction. And it isn't enough if he just stops the problem, because the behaviours need to be changed too. It is a very tall order to fill for anybody, but, point being, he has problems, and you can't fix them.

Good for you for taking advice with an open heart, and realizing that others agree pretty much, with all you have really decided for yourself already. It helps to know you aren't feeling the way you are without good reason when you hear it from others.

Best of luck to you.

I don't suppose you said that you would pay the vet directly.
I don't suppose that you have any proof about the sick dog...
Do you have a clue why YOU are this way?

No, I didn't pay the vet directly. He's posted it on social media that his dog is sick and his parents even said so so that part I know is true.

I'm a friend. I try to help out people whenever I can. I know that opens me up to being taken advantage of but most of the time people are good and they just need help here and there. But for him, I think he's the kind where if you give an inch they take a mile. He's the reason why people don't like helping other people. At least that's how I feel about it.

There are a LOT of people out there that will take anything from anyone if they can get something for nothing. And many of those same people will milk the cow until its dry and dead just because they can.

Being a friend doesn't mean you drop everything in your life to help them or give them money. You will find most of these same people won't return the favor when its you that needs the help. I learned that lesson the hard way once upon a time... when I all I needed was someone to make the 10 minute drive and give me a hand for 20 minutes to move something sometime durting the day on a Saturday, something that needed 4 people to move... and the excuses started... ended up one of them really didn't want to be bothered.. one of my friends had a death in the family... ( it was real and I had no hard feelings over it) the third guy actually found another couple of his friend to help I didn't even know... and they wouldn't even take money when I offered it after they helped. But they did accept a few beers when I offered them.

Before then I was one of the first people to drop everything and offer a hand...(even if I never did give anyone any money because I never had enough for myself then). Now I don't drop anything I had planned....if I can work it in....I will, but I never drop my own plans for anyone but immediate family since then.

THe old saying is very true... you really do find out who your real friends are when its your turn to need help.

LOL, if the guys parents won't help with his sick dog, why should YOU? I hope you really look at this with eyes open, because enough is just enough, and you keep feeding into the same pattern and expecting different results.

That's the definition of insanity. With friends like him, who needs enemies?