I am a married 52 year old woman in a very unhappy loveless marriage with two sons. One will be 18 soon the other is 20. I have practically raised them myself and it's obvious to me I failed . My husband, their father used to spend a little time with them when they were smaller maybe 8 and 11. Now he does nothing with them. I basically stay for financial reasons. He is not abusive or mean just never here for any of us. He does take care of most of the finances, college tuition (75% for the 20 yr old) and has been paying for private school for our 18 year old for 5 yrs now. My husband has always said that when these boys get older they are going to kick you in the rear! And so it has happened.

He claims I would step in when he was trying to discipline them and give into them behind his back, which I promise was not the case. I just disagreed with certain things. The kids could not have an air conditioner in their room when the temperature was like 90 F because it was too much electricity to pay even though we had the money! My sons started after school jobs for a few hours a day (after homework and study time) to have money for things their friend's parents would supply to their kids like cell phones, DS and games, brand name sneakers etc. Things their father would refuse to get them because they did not need them just wanted them and I agreed with that.

Now I get that thrown in my face all the time from both of them! They say hurtful disrespectful things to me all the time like I am like a child because I am always crying and that they have had to buy things with their own money when real loving caring parents do that for their children automatically. The 20 year old encourages the 18 year old. They constantly raise their voice and call me by my first name instead of mom which I have repeatedly asked them to please stop doing because I am their mother not their buddy. I have stepped in several times to avoid the 20 year old from being kicked out because of his arrogant behavior. I do this out of love for him although he does not deserve my support. And I don't want his father to stop paying for their education as this is very important to me. Even though both boys break my heart they are according to outsiders and friends good boys in general, don't do drugs or have ever been in trouble with the law, and they are hard workers and not lazy when it comes to finding jobs and are independent to a certain extent definitely not mama's boys!

I just don't understand why they treat me so disrespectfully, but treat their dad completely opposite? I am so embarrassed and hurt over this and have no one to talk to this about. My fiends want me to leave my husband who shows no support towards me when it comes to this situation, I wish I could. I just don't have the finances to support myself. I just want my sons to have a good life and their father wants that also but does not tolerate what I do from them.

Disrespectful Adult Children

Your situation does not sound uncommon to me. It is however unfortunate that you and your husband could not come together as a united front because if adolescence can play one against the other they will.

It is a sad fact but a number of times some males only respect strength and they look upon kindness as weakness. I can't speak for my brothers but the one thing that kept me out of jail was when my mother said to us "If You Get Your behind in Jail DON'T CALL ME." Whenever I was outside and I was about to do something that would land me in jail those words always popped up in my mind.

The only other advice I would give is if one allows it, people will drain you dry. The idea of creating your own life to the point of excluding those that are detrimental to your plans and goals would be my objective. Often people change when they find they can't impact your life anymore.

You sound like a referee, not a parent. And the game is getting too much for one person to manage without seeing a bench clearing brawl.

This isn't really a time to complain, when you really have, equally, with your husband, allowed the situation with your sons, to get totally out of control.

They are resentful, disrespectful, and they are also adults, not 8 year olds. This situation with them has not happened overnight. While you are continuously upset and crying, they are seeing an opportunity to kick you while you're down, with their words and behaviour.

There is no magic wand, to turn back the clock, and nip this behaviour, with appropriate consequences, when it began to happen. There is nothing that can now change your parenting style, with your husband, to make effective decisions about how to raise them. The childhood is gone.

Treat them like adults. Stop crying over it, and do something. Get into counseling to help you learn how to be in charge, and in control of your own life. With, or without your husband. If you are considering leaving him, add that to the list of why your life is so miserable, and see what your options are.

There are options. The longer you allow this situation to continue- against you- you can only expect more of the same.

If there are no consequences to bad behavior, then it will continue. Stop crying and kick some arse. Having to wipe a grown MAN'S booboo, and tolerating his crap is so UNACCEPTABLE. I think you have failed to set and ENFORCE rules and boundaries of good behavior.

Your loveless marriage is an entirely different issue though and whatever differences you and your husband have there should be a united front from the parents for the best interest of the kids. Not to be harsh, but with kids your age you should be preparing to be a lot more independent and self sufficient than you are. Your kids are men, and a good life is up to them, not you, and you should seriously consider your own quality of life.

Please make some changes in yourself and your whole outlook and they way you are treated will change tremendously. You can do this.

What would you advise a daughter if she was in the same situation? What about a good friend?

You deserve the same advice now follow through on it.

I would have a sit with them and just talk to them sincerely how you feel, tell them how you feel but not in an angry and tell them that you feel disappointed, if they call you by your first name do not answer them because they should respect you also tell your husband to confront talk to them and also talk to them, that what there saying to you hurts you and that a mother deserves her respect.

They are the result of you living and staying in a marriage you did not like, one where there was always fighting, and where your husband spoke to you, like that. They have now learned that speaking to you like that is what men do.

You need to demand respect, or they should be sent out of the house.