Back in February, a week before our 19th anniversary, my wife said she wanted a divorce. She stressed that it had nothing to do with another man, that she just felt we had grown apart. She travels a lot for work, about 3 - 4 times being gone 4 - 6 weeks each time. I reluctantly agreed thinking that maybe she just needed space.


Over the course of the next few weeks I got on her phone and found she was chatting with other guys, nothing that would cause me to think she was having an affair... but talking about her relationship problems and some mild flirting, mostly on the guys part.


During our separation, she moved in with her parents and had a job interview in another state. Later on I found a chat message where she was telling a guy that she "missed him like crazy". This is a guy she worked with on occasion during her business trips. She swore that that was an innocent remark and that nothing happened. I also found another chat with a online friend of hers that lived in the state where she was going for the job interview that she would need to stay with her because she was going to be meeting a guy friend there. The guy also lives in this state.


Later I found that she had opened an online email account, and used this guys name as her password.


I am wondering if there are too many coincidences. She swore to me that nothing happened, but I cannot seem to get over it. I think at the very least, she had an emotional affair, but she won't admit to anything.

You say you found all this stuff but really...does it matter? You're getting a divorce, right? So there really is no reason to beat yourself up over it. You don't win any extra prizes in a divorce if she was cheating.

Also, when you found all this stuff, did she do it before or after she was talking divorce?

You say you found all this stuff but really...does it matter? You're getting a divorce, right? So there really is no reason to beat yourself up over it. You don't win any extra prizes in a divorce if she was cheating.

Also, when you found all this stuff, did she do it before or after she was talking divorce?

Sorry, I meant to add that we did get back together and worked through things. Some days are better than others. The things she was doing happened before our separation.

Well that really changes the ENTIRE question adding that little bit of information....

It's going to now depend on whehter or not you feel you can trust her. Sounds like you don't. Have you tried counseling for the both of you?

Well that really changes the ENTIRE question adding that little bit of information....

It's going to now depend on whehter or not you feel you can trust her. Sounds like you don't. Have you tried counseling for the both of you?

I know, sorry for leaving that out. I mentioned counseling early on in the separation. She refused saying it was a waste of time and money. In the beginning she seemed dead set on divorce. She said she felt empty inside. I thought it may be a mid-life crisis.

After some time, about 2 weeks she started coming over more and then moved back in and we started working through things. Again, she has been adamant that there was no affair. And I have no real proof there was, just circumstantial.

Why don't you just take her word for it. After all, what actual proof is there?

Why don't you just take her word for it. After all, what actual proof is there?

I know, that was part of my question. There were a lot of coincidences, perhaps too many. I am trying to get over it, but it's tough. Things are going pretty well, but it's hard to move on... I guess time will heal things.

Once you make the decision to move forward and keep working things out, resist the urge to dwell on old feelings of fear and suspicion or ACT on them. Basically you are dealing with your own thoughts and actions. So bad day or horrible, THINK before you act or speak, and stay under control.

Why make the bad days worse and pay with even more conflict. Takes a while to regain trust and confidence, but that's what you agreed too. It's not easy, and it's not supposed to be.

Once you make the decision to move forward and keep working things out, resist the urge to dwell on old feelings of fear and suspicion or ACT on them. Basically you are dealing with your own thoughts and actions. So bad day or horrible, THINK before you act or speak, and stay under control.

Why make the bad days worse and pay with even more conflict. Takes a while to regain trust and confidence, but that's what you agreed too. It's not easy, and it's not supposed to be.


I agree. Sometimes it's made harder by the fact that I think there may have been something going on. I am afraid I am moving forward with the understanding that nothing happened... but may find out later something did.

Deal with the bridge when you get to it my friend, not the fear of it showing up down the road. Stay positive and focus on resolving the issues of the relationship that caused the conflicts and put you both in a bad place, rather than be distracted by your own fear.

It's a hard enough task to find trust again when there is little courage, or confidence, because you are worried about something popping up in the future.

Hopefully that bridge you have to cross is not one of the more serious STD's.
Sorry, but sounds to me like the other relationship went sour (a wife got involved perhaps).
"Back in February, a week before our 19th anniversary, my wife said she wanted a divorce. She stressed that it had nothing to do with another man,...) Of course, it did.

'she was telling a guy that she "missed him like crazy". ' Come on! I can't get an innocent anything out of that
"she would need to stay with her because she was going to be meeting a guy friend there" Why not say co-worker? Guy friend? Why have to meet there?
"Later I found that she had opened an online email account, and used this guys name as her password." Why in the H would she do that if just a friend?
"She swore to me that nothing happened,..." Of course, she would.

She wanted a divorce, now she doesn't. Her plan fell through most likely because he bailed out.
The unknown is still -disease. If you can patch things up and not worry about that (I couldn't), then best wishes to you both.
You had access to the secret email account. What was in there????

Deal with the bridge when you get to it my friend, not the fear of it showing up down the road. Stay positive and focus on resolving the issues of the relationship that caused the conflicts and put you both in a bad place, rather than be distracted by your own fear.

It's a hard enough task to find trust again when there is little courage, or confidence, because you are worried about something popping up in the future.

Thank you for your reply.

Hopefully that bridge you have to cross is not one of the more serious STD's.
Sorry, but sounds to me like the other relationship went sour (a wife got involved perhaps).
"Back in February, a week before our 19th anniversary, my wife said she wanted a divorce. She stressed that it had nothing to do with another man,...) Of course, it did.

'she was telling a guy that she "missed him like crazy". ' Come on! I can't get an innocent anything out of that
"she would need to stay with her because she was going to be meeting a guy friend there" Why not say co-worker? Guy friend? Why have to meet there?
"Later I found that she had opened an online email account, and used this guys name as her password." Why in the H would she do that if just a friend?
"She swore to me that nothing happened,..." Of course, she would.

She wanted a divorce, now she doesn't. Her plan fell through most likely because he bailed out.
The unknown is still -disease. If you can patch things up and not worry about that (I couldn't), then best wishes to you both.
You had access to the secret email account. What was in there????

Yes, this is what has been weighing on my mind. The coincidences seem too many. She says the guy friend was not the guy mentioned by me. I accessed the email account, there was nothing revealing, not even a personal email, but those can be deleted. I often wondered if he backed out, perhaps because he got what he wanted. I confronted him as well, but he also denied there was anything going on.

I mentioned counseling early on in the separation.

Your aware of the benefit, you can go alone.

Your aware of the benefit, you can go alone.

Yes, I have thought about that.

Simpleman, I have to ask, how old are you? Are you male like your username suggests? If you're male, you probably watch porn, or at least have looked at it on occasion, in whatever form, pictures, films, etc. Do you have a girlfriend, wife, SO? If so, does she know everything about you, everything you have on your computer or on your phone? Would it be okay for her to snoop, and find your porn? How do you think she's react to that?

Every human being has a right to privacy. Even if you're in a relationship that doesn't mean your SO has the right to know everything you do, everything you think, everything you enjoy. As a human being you have a right to privacy. Snooping is an invasion of that privacy, and if you have to snoop to find out what's wrong in your relationship, your relationship doesn't stand a chance. It's already dead.

I've been married for 19 years, been with my husband for 24 years, since we were both 19. I have Facebook, so does he. We're friends on fb, obviously, but he doesn't have access to my fb, and I don't have access to his. He belongs to online groups that I know about, but never investigate. I belong to online groups, such as this one, that he knows about, but never looks at what I post. He doesn't have to, neither do I. Why? It's called trust, and that's the foundation for a good relationship. Without trust, you have nothing. If you trusted the one you're with, snooping wouldn't be necessary.

If you're snooping because you don't trust your partner, either get help, or end it. You don't have a relationship.

I am a male, in my late 30's. I also have been married 19 years. My statement was, snooping is not wrong if the other persons actions dictated it. If your husband went out with his guy friends more than he did you, stayed out until the early hours of the morning and acted suspicious, then yes you have a right to figure out what's going on... if you're given probable cause... if it's causing issues in the relationship.

I agree that a good relationship is built on trust. It's easy to stand on trust until something happens to break that trust. I have nothing to hide from my wife, my computer nor phone have locks or security codes on them.

If you are snooping... then the relationship is already over... or it will soon be as soon as they discover you've been snooping.

Snooping alone will make most people end whatever relationship there was at that point. Snooping is not much different than cheating... both are a serious breach of trust in a relationship. Both will destroy the trust the other person had in the snooper or cheater.

So what's it going to take to relieve you of your suspicions, and why even agree to trying if you don't intend to let go and move forward?

If you are snooping... then the relationship is already over... or it will soon be as soon as they discover you've been snooping.

Snooping alone will make most people end whatever relationship there was at that point. Snooping is not much different than cheating... both are a serious breach of trust in a relationship. Both will destroy the trust the other person had in the snooper or cheater.

I agree and disagree. While snooping is a last resort, I think it is better to know sooner than later. The point is to find out what is going on, and deal with it accordingly. To simply discount someone's actions and say you should trust them means you are naïve or have never been in the situation.

I am not saying that stalking your SO, or trying constantly to dig up dirt is right. BUT, to sit back when you have suspicions (justifiable suspicions based on quantifiable actions.. not jealousy or paranoia) is just denying the inevitable and IS NOT the same as cheating. I do agree though that they are a breech of trust, and is a reaction to something that should be handled before it goes that far by communication.

I agree and disagree. While snooping is a last resort, I think it is better to know sooner than later. The point is to find out what is going on, and deal with it accordingly. To simply discount someone's actions and say you should trust them means you are naïve or have never been in the situation.

I am not saying that stalking your SO, or trying constantly to dig up dirt is right. BUT, to sit back when you have suspicions (justifiable suspicions based on quantifiable actions.. not jealousy or paranoia) is just denying the inevitable and IS NOT the same as cheating. I do agree though that they are a breech of trust, and is a reaction to something that should be handled before it goes that far by communication.

So... what happens if you "find out" anything. What changes? What if you were snooping on someone who wasn't doing anything to begin with... they find out... get p*ssed of and walk out of your life because you violated their space, privacy and trust?

WHat happens is you find yourself alone... and you will continue to convince yourself it's the other person as you sabatoge future relationships.

Married people have no less right to personal space and privacy just as single people do. And its no less important to them.

If you can't trust your SO... then its time to call it quits... snooping will only destroy any trust they had in you, then its really beyond saving because you just threw gasolene on the fire.


Walking up to your SO saying " Honey....I've been snooping on you fpr months and I want to congratulate you for passing....you've finally earned my trust" isn't going to illicit a response you want or like. In fact, it a would be wise to dig out that old athletic cup and put it on before you do it. Maybe that old football helmet too.

So... what happens if you "find out" anything. What changes? What if you were snooping on someone who wasn't doing anything to begin with... they find out... get p*ssed of and walk out of your life because you violated their space, privacy and trust?

WHat happens is you find yourself alone... and you will continue to convince yourself it's the other person as you sabatoge future relationships.

Married people have no less right to personal space and privacy just as single people do. And its no less important to them.

If you can't trust your SO... then its time to call it quits... snooping will only destroy any trust they had in you, then its really beyond saving because you just threw gasolene on the fire.


Walking up to your SO saying " Honey....I've been snooping on you fpr months and I want to congratulate you for passing....you've finally earned my trust" isn't going to illicit a response you want or like. In fact, it a would be wise to dig out that old athletic cup and put it on before you do it. Maybe that old football helmet too.

You are correct. I think that if there is no communication between the two, and one feels the need to snoop then it may be too far gone, however it may be a wake up call to communicate. It is easy to get in a rut or feel comfortable with your SO and not realize your own faults. Having just gone through something similar my take may not be one of complete level headedness. All of your's are valid points, but when you are actually going through it, sometimes you react before thinking. It is hard to ignore warning signs and no act on your gut feelings... or call things off based on suspicions.

That's where self restraint comes to play... You have to know what's right to do... and force yourself to do it despite gut reactions to do otherwise.

Its easy to say thing or do things in the heat of the moment that can't be taken back.. or undone. That's when you have to dig deep down inside and do what is right... not what you might want to do.

Not her fault you reacted before thinking and became a snoop. Now all you are doing is justifying it and making her behavior suspicious. Its still wrong you didn't confront and deal with the suspicious behavior directly, instead of adding fuel to the fire by snooping. Snoopers will never be satisfied with the truth.

Bet your wife wanted a divorce when you confronted her with the results of your snooping.

Not her fault you reacted before thinking and became a snoop. Now all you are doing is justifying it and making her behavior suspicious. Its still wrong you didn't confront and deal with the suspicious behavior directly, instead of adding fuel to the fire by snooping. Snoopers will never be satisfied with the truth.

Bet your wife wanted a divorce when you confronted her with the results of your snooping.

No, actually I started snooping after she said she wanted a divorce. After 19 years of marriage and I was caught off guard, and was curious as to why because I did not want to flush 19 years down the drain. I have never been a jealous type or been prone to snoop.

But I think that my issues, which are posted on another thread are getting us off topic, for the OP of this thread.

Why did she say she wanted a divorce? You weren't just curious when she said it, you were scared sh1tless. Please don't say this was unexpected and out of the blue either.

Got kids?

Why did she say she wanted a divorce? You weren't just curious when she said it, you were scared sh1tless. Please don't say this was unexpected and out of the blue either.

Got kids?

Yes, it was out of the blue, on my part. We have three kids. She traveled a lot for work and I was left to handle the kids, so felt like a single parent. When she came home I had gone into drone mode.

When she first told me, I was okay with it, because in my head I figured she just needed space.

That's when she wanted a divorce, and then you started snooping?

That's when she wanted a divorce, and then you started snooping?

Yes. She said she felt like we had grown apart. She described other things that sounded like a mid-life crisis. Her being gone so much did not help either. I guess curiosity got the better of me. Since most times there are tell-tale signs if there is infidelity (being out late, late night phone calls, etc.) I did not get to witness those since she was out of town. We still talked on the phone and texted on a regular basis, but not as often as we should/could have.

So instead of a hot bath with candles, a meal,and a foot rub you greeted your wife with a drone attack? Nothing says I miss you like attacking when she walks through the door. So she wanted a divorce and left for a few days.

Is this accurate?

So instead of a hot bath with candles, a meal,and a foot rub you greeted your wife with a drone attack? Nothing says I miss you like attacking when she walks through the door. So she wanted a divorce and left for a few days.

Is this accurate?

No, not drone (attack) mode... auto pilot, lights are on but no one's home... zombie mode. She was out having a good time after work because she had no responsibilities other than work, I was a single dad of three (I feel like I should be the one getting a foot massage). So when she came home I guess I was beat and non-attentive to her.

When she came back the last time, it was a week before our 19th anniversary and she told me she wanted a divorce. She moved out that next week. She had a job interview a few weeks later in another state. Then another week after that she moved back in. During that time she was over a good bit, helping with the kids and such. And would spend the night from time to time.

Gotcha, but you have had your blow up over it, so start again, and leave the dumb stuff in the past. Do you work?

Maybe she thought that she had a taste of the grass being greener but came to realize it wasn't the case. The grass may seem greener, until you realize that you still have to mow it.
I can understand the snooping when you feel that all of a sudden you get hit with a request for divorce when all seemed okay to you. You want to know what is going on. It may not have been bells and whistles, but all marriages go through that from time to time. It is easy to get into a stale routine, and that, along with having more opportunity for some excitement outside of home, may have led her to think things were at an end.

Could more have been going on?. sure, but that's where trust comes into play. It's been damaged, and she needs to understand that as well, so now the two of you work on rebuilding the relationship, including trust, honesty, and open communication. You have the opportunity to start anew... clean slate so to speak. Oh, you'll wonder from time to time for awhile still, but focus on the direction that you want to go. What may or may not have happened before now becomes a mute point. It serves no purpose other than to hopefully make you both realize the importance of honest communication... sharing what your concerns are... what your needs are from each other, and working towards a common goal... the salvation of your family.

I'd strongly encourage counseling again for you both, but I understand that often one partner or the other may not want to participate or feel that it is necessary... so, as was said, consider going on your own if need be.

Gotcha, but you have had your blow up over it, so start again, and leave the dumb stuff in the past. Do you work?

Yes, I work, full-time and have a self employed side job. I am working on it, one of the reasons I came here... some self therapy of sorts.


Maybe she thought that she had a taste of the grass being greener but came to realize it wasn't the case. The grass may seem greener, until you realize that you still have to mow it.
I can understand the snooping when you feel that all of a sudden you get hit with a request for divorce when all seemed okay to you. You want to know what is going on. It may not have been bells and whistles, but all marriages go through that from time to time. It is easy to get into a stale routine, and that, along with having more opportunity for some excitement outside of home, may have led her to think things were at an end.

Could more have been going on?. sure, but that's where trust comes into play. It's been damaged, and she needs to understand that as well, so now the two of you work on rebuilding the relationship, including trust, honesty, and open communication. You have the opportunity to start anew... clean slate so to speak. Oh, you'll wonder from time to time for awhile still, but focus on the direction that you want to go. What may or may not have happened before now becomes a mute point. It serves no purpose other than to hopefully make you both realize the importance of honest communication... sharing what your concerns are... what your needs are from each other, and working towards a common goal... the salvation of your family.

I'd strongly encourage counseling again for you both, but I understand that often one partner or the other may not want to participate or feel that it is necessary... so, as was said, consider going on your own if need be.

Thank you so much DoulaLC. Those are very encouraging words. Outside of our marriage there are so many issues of stress. We have an older son with social anxiety and depression issues. Another teen age son that is having issues with the law and almost got a girl pregnant, and financial issue as well. I think I/we can make it through this. Being on this forum is helping greatly.