I was born in California. I have epilepsy and bipolar. But, worst of all, I have an addiction with masturbation, pornography, and hurting myself. Why do I have this problems? I don't know. But, one of the reasons is because I was raped and sexually abused when I was younger. I'm 34 years old. But, because of the brain damage I have from my epilepsy, mentally I'm like a young 20 year old. Plus, I have no real friends off the Internet. What is wrong with me??

You're bi-polar, epileptic, and have brain damage due to epileptic episodes. Because of that you've got masturbation issues and self-harm issues.

That isn't helpful is it? The best advice to give is to get therapy for this. There might not be anything that can be done but you might learn some coping methods to deal with all this.

Self-harm is worrying but there are many different reasons you're doing this and I can't deduce one. Is it to feel something? Is it for the hormone rush you get from it? Is it to deal with your raped and abuse? Is it just habit? How much of your life is dedicated to porn and masturbation? Do have troubles holding a job or have personal or professional relationships because of it? Porn and masturbation addiction is often miss used as an issue when it is just the expression of a normal healthy sexual appetite. I won't go too much into that.

I don't think it is that you hate yourself so much as you hate what you view as stopping you from being a normal human being. A normal human being is subjective in this situation because what you view as normal probably isn't realistic. What you see, and it is the only thing you see, is how you're different and deficient but not how you're the same or how well you fit into society. I assume you have a job and don't have problems keeping it. People live their lives differently. There are a lot more people like you than you would think.

What are you willing to do to change your life? That is the question. If you don't like something about you or yourself than change it. Idealistic I know, but you need to take the first step and that is identifying the problem.

You are more at the mercy of your brain chemistry than most people. Unfortunately science is still very ignorant of how mood and thoughts are intertwined not just with our circumstances and the outlook we have for ourselves, but also with how our brains are wired and affected by the hormones and other chemicals that surge through our bodies. Excessive masturbation, porn addiction, and even minimal suicidal thoughts could very easily be not 'you.' But a medical doctor will send you to a psychiatrist, and he will throw drugs at you.
You are 34. I don't see how that goes back to 20, unless someone called you lacking in the maturity that is supposed to come after 20. Ignore all that!
Try to find a university medical center/teaching hospital that specializes in your combined conditions. I'd start with UCLA if you are still in CA.
Of course you need talk therapy for the sexual abuse memories and self esteem. You don't need a psychiatrist for that. A psychologist, LSW, many fine people are good therapists.
I don't usually suggest doctors! I'm all for self help, but you need to sort out this serious stuff first. Then you can work on yourself by yourself.
Good luck.
Let us know?

I don't think you hate yourself as much as you have not gotten the right help for yourself, as far as your unique issues. If you have a doctor or are under the care of one, make him aware of the needs you have so he knows HOW to guide you to the right help to address all your needs.

Going through this has to be extremely miserable but know you are not alone with dealing with unique challenges to happiness. Do you have family and friends to support you? Or a trusted confidant? That helps and you have made a few online friends here, so welcome, stick around hang out with us. :D

The masturbation and watching porn are consistent with bipolar hypersexuality. Self-harm is common among patients with mood disorders. I wonder if you need to readjust your medication. Please mention the symptoms to your psychiatrist. Your doctor will want to know this.

A therapist will be able to help you with your low self-esteem due to your medical issues, as well as the trauma of sexual abuse and rape. Find someone whom you click with, maybe one who specializes in bipolars and sexual abuse.

Joy is right. UCLA has an excellent program. USC University (not USC County) seems to have a good psychiatry department too.

A lot of people have good friends as well. Acquaintances and fun "friends," yes. True friends, we're lucky if we have one. There's nothing wrong with having internet friends. Good luck.

You have the power to achieve what you want. I have to say that as your power was taken from you when you were abused. What I mean by that is you have choices and the power to change your life.
I am a survivor as well. I also self injure, although have not for a year or so. I suffer with social anxiety still and prefer online friendships over real life. I also have a mood disorder (Borderline Personality Disorder). I tell you this so that you know I have been in a similar place as you and that I understand your feelings.
I have a thing for lists so here are some suggestions:

1. Make a list of changes you would like to see in your life. Break the list down into the smallest steps. For example find a therapist. You could break that down into call family doctor and get some suggestions on places to go. The next step would be call the therapist and make an appointment. The next step would be go to the appointment.
2. Find out if there are any therapies that fit your diagnosis. For Borderlines it is DBT. It was hard work and at times I wanted to say I quit. In fact one day I did quit but my counsellar and the head of the clinic talked to me. I am not sure about your issues but borderlines tend to act on emotions at times.
3. Make yourself a safety box. I was doing this before my DBT. Whenever I felt overwhelmed and wanted to Self Injure I went to that instead. Of course some times I did not and just Self Injured and some times the safety box did not help but most times it did.
What I had in mine (yours may be different)
Crayons, coloring books,pencil crayons,clay,bubble bath, hand lotion,dolls,stuffed animals,puzzles (easy ones),book (easy to read not one that is hard on the head),movies, music and cd player,construction paper.
The idea behind it is things you like to do and that will distract you. ALWAYS keep your safety box in the same spot and it is only for times when you feel overwhelmed.
4. I was in my 40s when I got my help that helped me change. I still have my days when things get bad but now have skills to help me deal with it.
5. Accept who you are now. You are a survivor! You are reaching our for help. You have choices and can do it if you want.

Hope some of this helps

Thank u very much. Ur answer does help me feel better. I'll see what I can do. Thanks again.


You're bi-polar, epileptic, and have brain damage due to epileptic episodes. Because of that you've got masturbation issues and self-harm issues.

That isn't helpful is it? The best advice to give is to get therapy for this. There might not be anything that can be done but you might learn some coping methods to deal with all this.

Self-harm is worrying but there are many different reasons you're doing this and I can't deduce one. Is it to feel something? Is it for the hormone rush you get from it? Is it to deal with your raped and abuse? Is it just habit? How much of your life is dedicated to porn and masturbation? Do have troubles holding a job or have personal or professional relationships because of it? Porn and masturbation addiction is often miss used as an issue when it is just the expression of a normal healthy sexual appetite. I won't go too much into that.

I don't think it is that you hate yourself so much as you hate what you view as stopping you from being a normal human being. A normal human being is subjective in this situation because what you view as normal probably isn't realistic. What you see, and it is the only thing you see, is how you're different and deficient but not how you're the same or how well you fit into society. I assume you have a job and don't have problems keeping it. People live their lives differently. There are a lot more people like you than you would think.

What are you willing to do to change your life? That is the question. If you don't like something about you or yourself than change it. Idealistic I know, but you need to take the first step and that is identifying the problem.

I don't know why I do the things I do. I just need some help, a friend at least.cto be honest, sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I've been hurt so many times in my life, and was told so many lies, I don't know who or what to believe. And no, I don't have a job. I'm too sick and disabled for that.

I have a hard time trusting men because I had been hurt so much. I don't know what to do with my life.