So, My last question (thread) or conversation was closed and I had something else to ask... Just the other night my boyfriend and I had sex before I went off to work for the night and I just recently found out that he watched porn after our romp in the sheets and after I left for work. Why would he do that? Why would he need to watch porn after we had great sex? We have had some discussion about him watching porn and I told him I wanted to be included in that part of his life, but so far he hasn't asked me to watch with him yet.. I also have been the instigator in having sex and he hasn't yet instigated it. I feel a little lost. He also flat out lied to me when I asked if he watched porn one morning after I went off to work. I found a bottle of lube in the trash and he said he just didn't like that lube any more and that he didn't watch any porn. I saw the evidence on the computer. I'm not mad I just don't like being lied to I want us to have a healthy relationship and this is really bothering me even though I have read a lot of posts and answers to my similar situation and I shouldn't be threatens by it. But after sex he would watch porn, that I do not get! My other question to who wants to read it and get up to speed is under

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/why-does-boyfriend-masturbate-porn-not-want-have-sex-me-786246.html

Glad you came back.

I know you don't understand his behavior and I won't justify his lying since he is obviously not ready to comply with your wishes as you want him too. I feel your zeal to solve this problem and get answers to understand things better lies in him communicating better. But clearly until that happens you have to back off or leave. You can't come home looking for evidence of his activities every time you leave and confront him with what you find.

You are as obsessed about this as you say he is and that's no help. You both have to talk to somebody or what's the point in living like this? Since neither of you understands get someone to help you both understand what needs to be done and HOW to have a healthy chance at survival

Would you go watch a chick flick after you had sex with him? Would you watch a soap opera, or read a romance novel? Its really no different.

How about just accepting it is what it is... it has absolutely nothing to do with you... Guys married to supermodels watch porn... single guys watch porn... guys hooked up with butt ugly women watch porn.. guys who are medically incapible of getting a hardon watch porn, if that's not proof its got nothing to do with the female... then well... someone got a problem dealing with proof when its handed to them.

When do guys stop looking at pretty women... naked or not? Right about the time they go into cardiac arrest for the last time. Looking at naked women is no different than reading car magazines... that doesn't equate to test driving or buying every car you look at either.

Honestly... speaking as a guy... you want a sure fired way to p I ss him off... spend your time acting like a parol officer rather than a partner. I absolutely guarantee you... you will eventually make him pack his bags, walk out the door and not come back... or toss you out.

You are his girlfriend... not his mother... not even his wife... and a wife doesn't even have a right to do that. And just to be fair... the guys who treat their girlfriends or wives like that (yes there are some that do)... don't get a free pass on that either for exactly the same reasons.

It's really one step away fro forbiding they have any personal friends whatsoever. After all who needs or wants friends when they have someone to sleep with...

My recomendations...if you ever want to upgrade your girlfriend status to fiancess status or wife status....learn to deal with the jealousy...and the control freak components of this....they are counter productive for anyone that hopes to advance their relationshi to the next level.

And like talaniman says.....if you can't have rational conversations like adults...what are you in a relationship for, and being in a relationship...doesn't mean either of you give up any of your rights....and it doesn't give either person to make irrational impositions on the other.

Want somethng thats certainly going to grow and fester over time....try forcing someone else to do something they don't want to do. ANYTHING at all.....it WILL cause resentment, and for it to grow. Except maybe the saturday night orgies.....those you can reasonibly expect to stop.

Well I know its been awhile since I have asked a question and I have been researching and trying to figure out my problem... I am obsessed with finding out if he watches porn when I'm gone for the day, or after we have sex.. which my boyfriend still does and it still upsets me, especially after we have sex and not hours later he finds the need to watch porn. Why am I so obsessed, it is killing me. Our relationship is still lacking on communication. I have a big trust problem with his porn.. that he can't include me in it. I don't think I would be so upset if he wouldn't constantly lie to me or hide it from me. I have talked to him again about including me in it and he said he would try but he came off like why do I think it was such a big deal. I don't know what to do to get over my obsession, I don't want to throw away our relationship cause I'm upsets he watches porn. I know for a fact we won't have a relationship if I tell him how I know how he has been watching porn. I wish I never found out how much he has been watching porn. I still don't get why he has to after watch it after we have sex or when he is got some down time... I have never dated a guy that I have to instigate sex about 90% of the time. I have never had a guy turn me down for sex more than he does, and yes I know sometimes there are good reason why he doesn't and I understand that. I am at the point though of just telling him that I have been snooping on his computer and reaping the consequences cause I'm just killing myself and our relationship. Counseling is a tough option for me as its not radially available where I live. I'm just sick and tired of crying and being upset, How do I just get over it and stop my obsession. Should I just tell him I have been snooping and just hope that over time we can build a relationship again.

Perhaps if you sought out counseling for your obsession. Because its going to be destructive to any future relationship you have in any case even if this one ends.

Because first and foremost... he is an adult... he is not subservient... and you aren't his mom. There isn't an adult person alive... man or woman that's going to NOT develop extreme resentment if they are dictated to by someone else about anything.

If you forbid me to watch Women's Curling on TV... I might not have even thought about watching it outside of the Olympics... But I'm going to want to watch it more... and actually become resentful you are trying to dictate what I can and can't watch. (picking out something bizarre to stress the point it can be ANYTHING).

Any obsession is unhealthy... its a habit that can be broken... via a number of different means. Sometimes they are deep enough you need outside help to do it. Particularly if its gotten to a level you are rationalizing it.

A plus side is its purely psycological... and not physical, which would add a whole new level of difficulty.

Thanks for the input. Our sex life has improved dramatically at least once to 2x a week. I feel better about my self because I have lost 20 pounds and continuing to loose weight. I just feel cheated sometimes when he watches porn all the time and now I have a real problem and its effecting me and how I rationalize everything because all I can think sometimes is " I bet he watched porn today so I am going to find out"... sigh I wish I didn't care so much about this topic.

Focus on other things... and keep reminding yourself... it has nothing to do with you. Because it really doesn't. Its really no different than soap operas and romance novels to women. And it would be no less irrational if he was upset that you did either or both of those and started demanding or even thinking you need to stop. Perhaps putting it in that context might help keep it in a better persepctive.

Thanks for the input. Our sex life has improved dramatically at least once to 2x a week. I feel better about my self because I have lost 20 pounds and continuing to loose weight. I just feel cheated sometimes when he watches porn all the time and now I have a real problem and its effecting me and how I rationalize everything because all I can think sometimes is " I bet he watched porn today so I am going to find out"... sigh I wish I didn't care so much about this topic.

smoothy pretty much summed it up. The porn has nothing to do with you or your sexual relationship with your boyfriend. I think it is a plus on your side that you are open to share in it with him, maybe you should initiate watching it with him. This may help you find out what turns him on and what he likes.

The communication may be an issue, because many times women will say that they want you to talk to them, tell them the truth and often it back fires. Kind of like the age old question, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?". That's a loaded question no guys wants to answer. So you may have to initiate the talk there, and don't be judgmental with his answers.

Sometimes watching porn can be linked to depression, so you may need to see if that is the issue. Not saying that it is, but it could be. If you want to have a good relationship with this guy or any other, you have to be willing to initiate a discussion (most men are NOT talkers), and DO NOT JUDGE. You have to be open minded, listen and try and find some common ground.

Discuss what things turn you both on, what fetishes you have. Talk about what you want in bed, what he wants. It may take a while for you to both open up, but it will be worth it.

Thanks Simpleman75, I am still struggling to control my obsession with wanting to snoop on his computuer and to focus my energy on other things. I really got myself in a rut with that. I have a hard time since I found out he looks on craig's list personal adds and checks out the girls. I know they are just pictures but my feelings were obviously hurt and wounded. Makes me feel not good enough or hot enough for him. I don't think he is contacting them but it sure made me feel so insecure and it still does, but not to the extent it did when I was 25lbs heavier.

He has been very stressed out with his job and I want to be there for him but I feel there is a time and a place to communitcate with him, and its not when he is upset. I usually just listen when he is upset and I input a little here and there. However, he watches porn when he just got time to kill and I am not around. I have tried to ask to watch porn with him, he made me feel dumb. I asked when can we watch porn together and he said "oh I didn't know it was that big of a thing for you?" I replied saying well when I brought up the subject of watching it together the previous times, that I didn't ask just because I didn't wanted to share that part of our relationship together. I dont think he still understands. Should I just start watching it when I am around him and feeling in the mood?

I want to talk to him about our future and other important things like how he is feeling, however I don't know how to properly bring up a conversation. I tend to get to emotional about certain subjects so I just don't say anything at all, then it builds up then when we have an argument it comes all pouring out into a real big fight. I am sturggling with my emotions and it is most definitley not easy, and communication in the sense I would like is still lacking, but its is a thing I am working on as well to better myself.

Thanks Simpleman75, I am still struggling to control my obsession with wanting to snoop on his computuer and to focus my energy on other things. I really got myself in a rut with that. I have a hard time since I found out he looks on craig's list personal adds and checks out the girls. I know they are just pictures but my feelings were obviously hurt and wounded. Makes me feel not good enough or hot enough for him. I don't think he is contacting them but it sure made me feel so insecure and it still does, but not to the extent it did when I was 25lbs heavier.

He has been very stressed out with his job and I want to be there for him but I feel there is a time and a place to communitcate with him, and its not when he is upset. I usually just listen when he is upset and I input a little here and there. However, he watches porn when he just got time to kill and I am not around. I have tried to ask to watch porn with him, he made me feel dumb. I asked when can we watch porn together and he said "oh I didn't know it was that big of a thing for you?" I replied saying well when I brought up the subject of watching it together the previous times, that I didn't ask just because I didn't wanted to share that part of our relationship together. I dont think he still understands. Should I just start watching it when I am around him and feeling in the mood?

I want to talk to him about our future and other important things like how he is feeling, however I don't know how to properly bring up a conversation. I tend to get to emotional about certain subjects so I just don't say anything at all, then it builds up then when we have an argument it comes all pouring out into a real big fight. I am sturggling with my emotions and it is most definitley not easy, and communication in the sense I would like is still lacking, but its is a thing I am working on as well to better myself.

You have to figure out a way to communicate with him, or all of this is for nothing. I know it is hard, but that is the only way the relationship will work. Even if you do most of the talking at first. Try not to get too emotional (to the point where you cannot speak clearly), but some emotion is good. That way he understands how it is making you feel.

Maybe start by writing him a brief letter describing your concerns... this would be less confrontational and possibly open up the doors for communication.

Bottling up your emotions until the point of explosion is not good for either of you. Maybe if you can, take a vacation together. You said he is having stresses at the job, so he may be tightly wound. Perhaps even a weekend get away would help.

You don't have to force sharing and carrying. Just be cool, and let it happen. Focus on just today and let tomorrow come. You seem to need a few good females friends to gab, and rant girl stuff with on a regular basis. Got any? Outlets besides your partner is a great way to be healthy. Enriching healthy human stuff.

You learn a lot about yourself, and can give space and privacy without it being a perceived threat.

I wish I had is a few gal pals. I don't have any that live remotley close to me and the one I do have close has so many negative and bad emotions and problems going on in her life that I have a hard time even being around or talking to her. When I do talk to her over the phone its like one bad thing after another happing in her life. I don't like to discuss personal things with her anymore because she goes overboard about how she feels and makes me feel like I should just dump my boyfriend cause he is no good which is not the case. It's a tough spot for me with her cause I have been friends with her since I was 15 but my personality has changed towards her. I still would do anything for her just don't like to talk girl talk with her anymore. The rest of the gal pal are in different states and it would take some planning to see them.

I would love to vacation with my boyfriend, but that will have to wait. He is a farmer so tis the season for planting, harvest, cattle etc.. The really only time is winter when he doesn't have to worry about farming. I hope we will get away this winter for a week. I do however try to do a date night if we get a rain day. We went to a movie and dinner last weekend it was nice.

What about female workmates?

I wish I had is a few gal pals. I don't have any that live remotley close to me and the one I do have close has so many negative and bad emotions and problems going on in her life that I have a hard time even being around or talking to her. When I do talk to her over the phone its like one bad thing after another happing in her life. I don't like to discuss personal things with her anymore because she goes overboard about how she feels and makes me feel like I should just dump my boyfriend cause he is no good which is not the case. It's a tough spot for me with her cause I have been friends with her since I was 15 but my personality has changed towards her. I still would do anything for her just don't like to talk girl talk with her anymore. The rest of the gal pal are in different states and it would take some planning to see them.

I would love to vacation with my boyfriend, but that will have to wait. He is a farmer so tis the season for planting, harvest, cattle etc.. The really only time is winter when he doesn't have to worry about farming. I hope we will get away this winter for a week. I do however try to do a date night if we get a rain day. We went to a movie and dinner last weekend it was nice.

Ok, so he is a farmer? That's a rather unique profession. Are you guys in a rural setting? And your ages if you don't mind? I understand about it being hard to get away. And not having any girls to talk to can be tough...

Its definitley difficult during farming season for us to get away. We are in a rural setting we live close to a small town but the nearest big city is about 1hr away. We are both 29 yrs old a month apart. My coworkers are older, married and have kids to tend to. There are a 2 girls close to my age but the girl "cemistry" isn't there. I try to make best of most situations. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, I moved in with him after 1 year of dating. I will say that this is the longest relationship for me and only the 2nd time I have lived with someone. However for him though he was engaged once, they were together for 4 - 5 yrs but she cheated on him. That's what he told me... We both have outstanding bad relationships to dwell upon. I got cheated on too once. That could very well stem my jealousy and problem with snoopin on his computer and just makes me feel upset about his porn consumption. I have been doing my best to better myself but I still have an issue with his porn. It might be that we had a very bad rough patch during the winter. I was so depressed and overweight, we didn't have sex for 2 months and it was because I was overweight. So in turn he wasn't talking to me about "us" and me not communicating about how depressed I was. It got really bad. Communication isn't my strong suit either... So I put my big girl pants on and worked on changing me around. So I am finally losing weight, excersising everyday, feel better about myself. Now I have a problem with trying to stop snooping on his computer, wondering what he's watching and if he is contacting any of these "girls"... I know he's not contacting these girls just looking but I really can't believe I am having these big of problems with him watching porn. I guess I never had a guy I dated try to keep it a secret from me.. I am frustrated

Its definitley difficult during farming season for us to get away. We are in a rural setting we live close to a small town but the nearest big city is about 1hr away. We are both 29 yrs old a month apart. My coworkers are older, married and have kids to tend to. There are a 2 girls close to my age but the girl "cemistry" isn't there. I try to make best of most situations. My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, I moved in with him after 1 year of dating. I will say that this is the longest relationship for me and only the 2nd time I have lived with someone. However for him though he was engaged once, they were together for 4 - 5 yrs but she cheated on him. That's what he told me... We both have outstanding bad relationships to dwell upon. I got cheated on too once. That could very well stem my jealousy and problem with snoopin on his computer and just makes me feel upset about his porn consumption. I have been doing my best to better myself but I still have an issue with his porn. It might be that we had a very bad rough patch during the winter. I was so depressed and overweight, we didn't have sex for 2 months and it was because I was overweight. So in turn he wasn't talking to me about "us" and me not communicating about how depressed I was. It got really bad. Communication isn't my strong suit either... So I put my big girl pants on and worked on changing me around. So I am finally losing weight, excersising everyday, feel better about myself. Now I have a problem with trying to stop snooping on his computer, wondering what he's watching and if he is contacting any of these "girls"... I know he's not contacting these girls just looking but I really can't believe I am having these big of problems with him watching porn. I guess I never had a guy I dated try to keep it a secret from me.. I am frustrated

It sounds like there be a lot going on on both sides. You are being self conscious and you may be projecting that onto him. If he is hiding it from you, maybe he thinks he is protecting your feelings (I am not agreeing that it is right, just saying that may be his mind set).

Has he ever mentioned your weight? Do you think that was/is really an issue? Some girls that think they are over weight are not actually over weight, just the societal norm is to be under weight. Some guys like curvy girls...

I am glad that you are exercising and feeling more confident about yourself. No way that can be a bad thing. Just need to figure out now how to get over the snooping issue.

He told me once, before we moved in together, that my weight was starting to be a problem for him. Exact words, I was pretty cool about it when he first told me but after time it was eating me alive. After a week I told him exactly how I felt and how I was not dealing very well with the fact he told me what he did. I told him I couldn't decide if it was going to be a deal breaker for me and how selfesteam had dissapeared.

Most men lie about porn because they have been doing it for a long time then some insecure female makes it a big deal they rather not confront. It always starts with how it makes you feel, and evolves into his lying or not being sensitive and changing to make you feel better.

Worse when he can't explain why he can't share porn with you. That's when you have to decide how you deal with YOUR feelings, and his behavior. The best suggestion,is to have separate thing you do that makes you feelgood about yourself, and share enough of yourself to feel good about the relationship without stepping on each others personal space.

Hard to balance that when you have no personal space of your own. But keep practicing until you learn each others language and appreciate yourself enough to appreciate your partner. I hope you see that accomplishing small things for yourself like losing weight makes you feel better. Now go be nice to the people at work, and make chat friends at least, chemistry or not. Among strangers chemistry isn't always apparent.

Life is only 1% situation, and 99% attitude.

Oh, I knew I was gaining weight do to different job and not being as active as I use to be. I made it all the way to 210lbs this winter, My ideal weight is 145 to 150. So I did gain a substantial amount of weight. I am down to 175 and continuing. I met my boyfriend when I was about 145lbs. He told me that my weight was a starting to be a problem when I was around 175 to 180. My concern is that if we continue to prosper in our relationship to get married and I'm heavy with child, is it going to affect him the same way about my weight or will it be different? I would hope it would be different.

Thanks everyone for the support. I will be strong and I will conquer my insecurities.

He told me once, before we moved in together, that my weight was starting to be a problem for him. Exact words, I was pretty cool about it when he first told me but after time it was eating me alive. After a week I told him exactly how I felt and how I was not dealing very well with the fact he told me what he did. I told him I couldn't decide if it was going to be a deal breaker for me and how selfesteam had dissapeared.

I would keep doing what your doing. It sounds like the weight may be an issue for you just as much as him, if it is affecting yourself esteem. You cannot fault him for being honest, the same goes for you.