I met a Peruvian girl in a nightclub over 5 years ago. She moved in with me over 2 years ago. Her parents then purchased a house for her in June 06 so I decided to rent out my townhouse and move in with her. I'm now 37 and she is 34. She runs her own business from the house and I work for an IT firm. Her English is not that great, but has improved slightly. I forgot to mention that she is still waiting for papers (ie.Green Card)

Weekends are typical and kind of boring waking up late and eating breakfast at Dennys, taking the dog to the dog park, mostly watching movies, lack of communication due to the language barrier. When getting together with her friends or her family they all speak Spanish and I am completely bored. I should mention that we have sex once in a blue moon (she wants it all the time, but I dont).

She loves me very much, she is a great cook, she cleans etc...
When I was in between jobs, that's when she moved in with me and helped me out financially with the mortgage payments and in return I allowed her to use one of the bedrooms in the townhouse to run her business.

We also have a dog that is now almost 3 years old. Now, I'm Jewish and she mentioned she is willing to convert. All these years I mentioned to her that she needs to improve her English, convert, and get a nosejob and boob job since I love big boobs(I know I am kind of shallow in that dept) she only recently started to attend ESL classes.

I don't know if I love her and if I would be making a mistake by breaking up.
I should also mention that during the years before we lived together, I did cheat on her by dating other girls purely for sex. However, lately I'm going more & more to Jewish events to meet other women to find out if they can match up to her given that they are already Jewish and speak English.

We recently had a big argument since she invaded my privacy and called my voicemail on my cellphone and listened to my voicemails and questioned me about a girl on the voicemail. She wouldn't acknowledge that she invaded my privacy or apologize so I opened my big mouth in anger and said "I will never marry you or give you kids etc... " today she gave me an ultimatum that I need to make a decision since she is getting older and would like to get married and have kids, so I need to decide if I wish to continue with her or not. If I choose not to, she would kick me out of the house so she says without giving me time to look for a new place to live. By the way, her parents live in the house as well (they don't speak a word in English) they just cook very well :) and they don't really disturb me. They are kind of forced to be in the U.S every 6 months to maintain their Green Card.

I should add that I was never close to my parents or brother and that could be the reason why I may not know what love is.

I'm so confused :( not sure what would happen with the dog as well, technically it's my dog but the dog really loves her, she may not wish to keep the dog out of spite (she has a large yard) and I may have to rent a place that allows dogs and the dog may not have the space like it has now (as you can tell I love my dog)

I look forward to your replies, please don't tell me I am racist, if I was I wouldn't be with her for that long. I could be making the mistake of my life if I break up with her not being able to find someone like her and being alone (which I hate) but then again how can I continue if I don't think I love her and keep getting bored at family & friends gatherings.

It sounds to me that it isn't love... you say you are bored, don't like the fact that she doesn't speak good english, want her to have a nose job and a boob job, I mean, what do you like about her?? I think you should move on, if you give in to her ultimatum, you will probably hold it against her because it was not your choice...
Is a jewish girl that important? You are looking where they would be. Another reason you should not be with her if that is so important. Leave and get back your townhouse, take the poor dog too, she will probably get rid of it due to anger at you. Good luck

You don't love her, it sounds as if you are only with her for convenience...

You say you need her to get a nose job and a boob job, that is very shallow, if you truly loved her you would think she is beautiful just the way she is...

Also you say you don't want to make love to her, but you had affairs for sex... that's a bit of a contradiction

You really don't sound like you love her. Be fair to her and get out now so that she can have a chance at meeting someone who'll sincerely care for her.

It sound like there are some things you like about her, but it also sounds like you don't love her. A physical connection is great and it's needed to be in a relationship, but it sounds like you're missing the mental connection. Maybe it's because of the language barrier. Maybe it's more than that. At best, it sounds like you are tolerating the situation, but it seems like you crave something more. If you are asking yourself all these questions about her and your relationship together, it sounds like you may be wanting out.

And, once you hit your 30s, if the two of you want different things (she says she wants kids), it's only fair to her to set her free to pursue that dream.

It sounds like you don't accept her for who she is and in order for YOU to be in a healthy relationship, you need to accept your partner. If boobs are important to you (and it's sad that they are), then you need to find someone with nice boobs. But I'll tell you this, when you grow old with someone you truly love, size of boobs does not matter. Now, not being able to communicate well due to the language barrier is a different issue.

It sounds like you're the one with the issues and I think it's best you break up with this girl and find someone more suitable to your needs.

She should kick you out of the house with no time to look for a new place. Might teach you a lesson for cheating on her and treating her like crap!

She should kick you out of the house with no time to look for a new place. Might teach you a lesson for cheating on her and treating her like crap!
I agree!

Uhm I would describe you as a jerk. Why doesn't everyone call a spade a spade. She wants a boob job fine you tell to get one ( jerk ) She is looking for security and gives to you ( financial help, cooks, cleans, spends time with you gives you a place to stay ) you're a parasite. If you were in a relationship with my sister bro it would be on. Why don't you learn to think about someone other than yourself. I wouldn't be surprised if this were a work of fiction you sound so bad.

It don't matter how long u been together if there's a good enough reason let it happen brotha

I was just hoping to get different opinions without responding back but I couldn't help myself after reading Zeus2007 reply. Zeus, you may wish to read my post again since you didn't quite read it properyly you wrote "She wants a boob job fine you tell to get one ( jerk ) ", I said I wanted her to get a boob job. Then you wrote "financial help, cooks, cleans, spends time with you gives you a place to stay" , wrong again she initially stayed at my place before her parents baught her a house, and yes she did help me out by chipping in for the mortgage payments like a roommate, everything is dutch, she's not a gold digger, she makes 3-4 times what I make and I'm in IT. Clearly, I am not materialistic like some women, I am simply thinking of breaking up since I don't think I love her. I am sure many guys would love to be in my shoes. I am just thinking long term to avoid a possible divorce after having kids.
Zeus, what did you mean by the way "If you were in a relationship with my sister bro it would be on"??

I think he meant that he wouldn't appreciate you treating his sister the way you treat your girlfriend.

I think you need to break up, your both obviously in this relationship for different reasons.

You also need to consider her feelings more, if your staying with her just because you can, then that is not fair for her. My girlfriend did that to me, kept stringing me along saying that we'd get married etc. and then out of nowhere said she hasn't loved me for quiet awhile and that was it. Cut the ties NOW before she gets even more attatched to you.

And I'm not sure if you do or not, but stop telling her that you love her, it's a hurtful lie

Not a chance in hell would I want to be in your selfish shoes. No thanks.

Leave her. You have to for the good of her. She doesn't need you and deserves better.

How about learning Spanish? Language seems to be a barrier, it doesn't thave to be up to her. My friend is married to a man whose family speaks only Spanish, so she learnt to speak too.
But, my friend if you haven't already thought of that, I am sad to say, I don't think it is love. If it was, you would do anything for her and would be planning a life, a future WITH her.
Perhaps you BOTH deserve to move on and find someone who will really love you and you can love back?

Decision time. Stop leading this female on, and let her have a chance to be happy with a good man that truly loves her. Clearly you do not!

Personally I think you love the dog more than you love her. I heard no mention of what you actually do like about her.


I should mention that we have sex once in a blue moon (she wants it all the time, but I dont).
Could it be because you are giving it to other women?

LMAO, you are a terrible terrible little man.

Why should you marry her? You are oinly going to cheat on her again anyway.


By the way, her parents live in the house as well (they don't speak a word in English) they just cook very well https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/../images/smilies/smile.gif and they don't really disturb me.
I freaking hope they don't disturb YOU, you are in THEIR house. You probably disturb them.



All these years I mentioned to her that she needs to improve her English, convert, and get a nosejob and boob job since I love big boobs(I know I am kind of shallow in that dept)
Actually Sir, you are quite shallow in EVERY department.

Why don't you learn spanish. Guess what, newsflash!! People who are bilingual in the U.S. get more bucks at most jobs.

Why don't you convert?

Get a nose job and a boob job? Exactly what do you want in a woman? Eye candy?

LMAO, you are a selfish shallow little man who does not have a life. Move out, get one, and leave the women alone, you don't respect them anyway.

OK I still think you are a user. This is definitely not a 50/50 relationship financially I bet I would bet she floats you a lot more than you help her out. I would bet wth her cultural background she is going way out of her way to accommodate your beliefs. Then you expect her to convert, geez. You like big boobs so she should get big boobs, cause you like them, what about her do you like her? Nobody can answer that question but you. You certainly don't love her since you don't relay any empathetic thoughts regarding her in her position, just your own selfish needs in the relationship. What do I mean it would be on... I mean you would be out, I would reveal ypu as the selfish person you are and hook her up with someone of deeper convictions.

How can you even think you might love her? You can't even speak with her. Why does she have to learn English? Can't you learn Spanish? You're probably lucky she can't understand you when you tell her she needs a nose job and a boob job. I'm sure if she had a clue what you were trying to get her to do she'd slap your face. And that is way more than a little shallow. In summation, NO, you don't love her, you are no good for her, break it off. Good luck finding your fantasy girl.

Geeze, these guys are being more blunt than me! Lol omg.

OK look I got to hand it to you for taking this like a man, and even being brave enough to come on here type up your problem and tell the honest truth, hey it might even be deeper than what you put on, but we can only comment on what you tell us so that's what you got.

I still give you props though. But yea it doesn't sound like you love her. It's a tough situation but for the benefit of both of you, you guys need ta sit down and talk, seriously.

It sounds to me like you want something else though. So you already know what you got to do. You don't need to hear it from us.

Go do it!

This post also left me wondering how perfect he thinks he is.

Apparently he does not need a nose job, hopefully he doesn't need a boob job.

But he totally needs an attitude job!!

I am amazed how some people are only focusing on the boob job & nose job, and not on the other 2 main issues Language & Culture which are not shallow at all, for many people these 2 main issues are very important. Also I would guess most of the replies come from women focusing on how bad I am, on the contrary I am a very good person, I just think giving someone a day to decide is insane, couples discuss their future over weeks or months. I have not heard many positive things when it comes to me. I am curious what type of issues or baggage some of the repliers have themselves but that's a diff topic.

We focused simply on what you typed. You made yourself out to be absolutley perfect. You focused on her flaws, you focusued on how you want her to change for you.

Do you see a running pattern here?

Why is it that YOU can't change? Why can't YOU learn her language? Why can't YOU convert to her religion?

Why is it all about YOU?

Read your post over again and see just how shallow you sound.

Encino Guy
I'm afraid the culture and the language barriers are put up by you yourself. I wouldn't be a barrier if you bent a little and learnt something of her language as well 9even a little bit).
But yes, we don't know you - why don't you enlighten us a bit. Tell us some of your good points?

I don't think encino has any good points I think we all have figured him out. He want from her and he doesn't think there is any necessary need for him to change. He likes big boobs, nose job, her to convert. Love the person not the idea man. He just doesn't get t, nor do I think he will. So what if she makes more than him he should thank his lucky stars a girl this successful and giving is even giving him a chance. I think he has many insecurities and many misconceptions about relationships learn her language learn her culture. Guys like encino need a wake up call.

Probably the most selfish post we've had here. This dude is clueless.

Learn Spanish jack---.

This guy is LIVING with his house keeper - who occasionally

Lets see- you're in 5 year relationship - but cheating on her left and right. You're worthless Dude.

You don't respect her at all.

She doesn't trust you.

There is NO compromise here.

There is no relationship - it's been dead for a long time.

NO - you're not a good person. Selfish people also deflect their issues - hence you push it back on us.

I HIGHLY suggest you get yourself to a VERY GOOD Therapist - yesterday.

Discuss things? I bet you've never discussed anything with his gal - how? You sway you have problems communicating day in and day out hings.

Leave this woman alone - you've wasted 5 years of her life.

This Dude is so clueless and selfish. I doubt he will ever seek help or realize HE IS THE PROBLEM!!

J9 - great point - I bet he's bad and fat. He sounds lazy.

I don't understand why she is even with this guy.

This guy wants us to complement him and give him advice and be on his side - doesn't work that way - truth hurts!

I doubt he gets it.

Probably the most selfish post we've had here. This dude is clueless.

Learn Spanish jack---.

This guy is LIVING with his house keeper - who occasionally

Lets see- you're in 5 year relationship - but cheating on her left and right. You're worthless Dude.

You don't respect her at all.

She doesn't trust you.

There is NO comprimise here.

There is no relationship - it's been dead for a long time.

NO - you're not a good person. Selfish peopel also deflect their issues - hence you push it back on us.

I HIGHLY suggest you get yourself to a VERY GOOD Therapist - yesterday.

Discuss things? I bet you've never discussed anything with his gal - how? You sway you have problems communicating day in and day out hings.

Leave this woman alone - you've wasted 5 years of her life.

This Dude is so clueless and selfish. I doubt he will ever seek help or realize HE IS THE PROBLEM!!!
Soooo true, my god he's got to be kidding

The real bad part is, she probably loves this guy.

I'm sorry, but I thought this was a forum to help people, not attack them.
I'm not saying that this guy hasn't made mistakes, but you don't even know him! Give constructive advice and leave his personality in tact. OK I'm NOT a trained coucellor, but I'm sure that is what they would be trained to do.

OK I'm NOT a trained coucellor, but I'm sure that is what they would be trained to do.
A professional is trained to see BS, and deal with it. Harsh but you have witnessed it here. There are a lot of people who come here with BS and this is how they are treated. No sympathy, no remorse. Personally I think the advice was excellent.

A professional is trained to see BS, and deal with it. Harsh but you have witnessed it here. There are a lot of people who come here with BS and this is how they are treated. No sympathy, no remorse. Personally I think the advice was excellent.
So do I...

Finally Somebod up in this guys grill, such BS work on his shortcomings, bull this guy is worthless he wants validation. I isn't one for that, he needs a dose of realism, Here we are calling a spade a spade and he cries. I can't stand it.

This isn't a place to vent. It's a place sort out reality. You get no simpathy here. This is try and sort what's really going on. And this guy is a mess... he needs a therapist pronto.

He lives and sleeps with basically his house keeper.

God I just reread this entry again and it gets worse each time you read it. I really agree with the last entry this guy really needs therapy. He cheated and by evidence continues to cheat. His dog like her more than it likes him ( that says a lot ) and he is worried about the dog in a break up on an equal footing with the needs of a relationship ( what ) . I again would not be surprised to learn this is a piece of fiction to get a response.

Listen man do yourself a fovor if this is for real and let her go. You are in no place to be on an equal footing with anyone in a relationship let alone with someone of such complex religious and cultural differences. If you are interested in only yourself I'd get out too because a relationship like this will fail, if you commit to her in words she will expect some changes by you which you are incapble of and then it will be really time to pay the piper. God forbid she were to get pregnant.

Hey man, I really think you like this girl and take it from me that you don't won't to lose her because you do love her. To your other problem that you don't talk to them at family dinners maybe you need to get a spanish-american dictionary.
P.S. love don't come easy.

He lives and sleeps with basically his house keeper.

And she makes more money. What more could you ask for??

I read it again. This has to be fiction.

He more concerned about the dog than her.

Yup, sounds like a movie to me. Someone just checking out what we think of their script.

Hey man, I really think you like this girl and take it from me that you don't won't to lose her because you do love her. To your other problem that you don't talk to them at family dinners maybe you need to get a spanish-american dictionary.
P.S. love don't come easy.

Sorry, I meant to disagree here:


J_9 (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/j_9.html) agrees: He does not love her. He wants to control her, read this again. If he loved her it would be unconditional, not on the condition she gets a boob/nose job. He also wouldn't be cheating on her if he loved her.

That is a BIG DISAGREE!!

I do have to agree with you all. I don't think this is love. If it was, he would be going out of his way to find ways to help her, be with her etc.
And yes you are right, I'm not trained to detect BS.
I still think that as this is a help site, you can be civil and use polite terms?

I think u dun love her... thats why u demend her too much..
but u c
in life ah... love is not onli a thing
in family life.. there r many th to consider...
my mum n my father marry for not love at first
but they r happy since my mum is a good partner...
so I think u beter marry her lai...
=)

Ima tell you right now, if you don't love her make it easy for the both of you and move on, do what you got to do.

Cause it just gets worse. If I was you, I wouldn't even let thins thing get to you-->love

Cause its what starts all the nonsense in the 1st place. You probably wouldn't even be here if you didn't question yourself about loving her or not, and I believe that would be a "doubt".

But true love has no doubts, if you were in love, trust me, you wouldn't be on here questioning it in the 1st place.

So you already know what you have to do, you don't need us to tell you.

Go do it!

Isn't it amazing how many feelings and emotions are involved in every move we make. No wonder our wires get crossed. I'm sure when you re-read what you have wrote you are going to answer many of your own questions. That still doesn't mean you will be able to act on what you know to be right though. Keep working towards the right thing. Remember that it can't stay like it is. If you want to be true to yourself and her, buck up and keep putting the truth right in your face. It might be today, two weeks, two months, who knows, but it is going to happen. It will hurt no matter which way you turn. I guess it is all a learning experience and if we get lucky, we find happiness too.

It is sad when someone is unable to see how disillusioned they are.

Here is a person with a woman who is willing to go out of her way to make him happy and accommodate his wishes and needs; yet, she is taken for granted and then disrespected by a cheater with the emotional capacity of an amoeba.

Should the relationship end... yes. But, I wonder to myself as to why he should get the satisfaction of making the decision to end it? :confused:

Ok firstly dude yes, you ARE shallow. What kind of man tells the woman he 'supposedly' loves that she NEEDS a nose and boob job? You should love her for who she is; not because she has big boobs. Very superficial. Secondly, cheating should already tell you that you're not satisfied in this relationship, you're obviously not getting everything you need from her. Why keep her around in this mundane relationship when you can't respect her and give HER what she needs? Let her move on and find somebody who will truly care about her. You shouldn't be angry at her for 'invading you're privacy' since you've obviously given her something to be suspicious about. Thirdly, I am an avid dog lover, but dude dogs have no bearing on decisions in relationships.. they're awesome.. but.. they're still just dogs.
You may not be racist, but you sure don't appreciate her. Let her go before it's too late for her to have a family.

Of course your gonna get bored sweety but you also have to look at the good things that she has helped you do if she really didnt love you then she wouldn't have steped up and helped you do the things that she has helped you do she is gonna feel very hurt and with you tellin her that she needs a boob job and a nose job that sure isn't gonna help her out any i'm pretty sure that she wants somebody to love her for her with you just leading her on and playin her dats not good but karma comes right back around evenutualy your gonna find out how it feels to get hurt and used but its gonna be worse then what you did to her

This stuff makes me sick! How can you be with someone without love? Leave her alone. DO the world a favor and find someone you care for geniunely!

Love is not just a state of mind... it's an action. Love is what she is showing for you. Taking care of you cleaning, cooking, being there for you, learning your language, helping you out with your house, and wanting to commit to a future.

See... that is love. We all could be so lucky. If I had someone like that I would certainly give of myself. I would not just say I was in love but prove it. Sacrifice for her... take care of her... be with her mentally and physically.

I thought love was an emotion, not an action.

Define love.

Love is just not an emotion... love is in your actions as well. How you treat a person... doing things for them... trying to take care of them...

Just look at what this guys girlfriend does for him. She is making the effort. She is giving of herself in this relationship. That is loving actions. That is not just saying you are in love but proving it with her actions. That is why I say that love is not just an emotion but and action.

You are clearly an *******.