Hi all `

I need to reach out and get some opinions. My exboyfriend and I have known each other our entire lives. We never had that physical connection. He and I started talking last September because he was having issues with his girlfriend that he wanted to talk to someone about. The thing is that his girlfriend of two years is married. It was the typical promise of divorce but not happening. I talked him through a lot of things to help him realize that the relationship is not healthy. She is hindu as well so divorce is difficult in that culture. She also works with him so their relationship of 2 years has been full of lies and deceit and sneaking around. He decided that he had had enough of the sneaking around and that she wasn't committing to filing for divorce.

As this was all happening, our feelings for each other grew. Because of our similar pasts a lot of things clicked quickly and the fact that we were friends first made it easy to transition to the dating phase. We have had a great three months. There have been no real issues. He lives in a different state though and the long distance has been hard on him. We have talked of me moving down there but I would't do that without more of a commitment. We have been very open about everything. We recently got back from an amazing vacation together. It was so much fun. Two days later he realizes he isn't over his ex. At first he thought it was because he didn't give himself time to get over her which I understood.

As the week progressed and he started to contact her more, he is realizng that he has no closure on the relationship and needs that to move on. He started seeing a counselor and the counselor told him we shouldn't see each other any more. I agree that he needs the space for himself. He agrees that our relationship comes with no baggage and that there is nothing that either of us would change about the other person. We just "click" But he needs to get this closure. Unfortunately he now tells me that the only way he can figure this out is to get a definite answer from her as to the divorce and if/when it's going to happen. My gut tells me that she is seeing this as her second chance and will tell him whatever he wants to hear. Aside from him and I, I don't want to see him go down this path again and waste another year or two.

Here are my questions - what is the probability of her getting a divorce? She has two younger children as well which is one of the excuses she has given for not filing. Her husband, however, does live in a different state right now for work so it is very convenient to have an affair as well as have that want for the divorce. 2. What do I do from here? I do not want to play second place and I think he might possibly be running away from me out of fear. Fear of me moving to him and giving up all I have here. If it doesn't work out, then he has that guilt. I think he may be picking the lesser of two evils right now. She lives by him and wouldn't have to sacrifice much to be with him.

If she hasn't done divorce yet, after 2 years, she isn't going to do it. She is stringing him along and he is allowing it to happen. She has it made..why get a divorce?

As for you...don't keep holding on. If he is this messed up, really...please...do yourself a favor and don't short-change yourself. Find someone that is available near you and that will treat you the way you should be treated. Think of this...let's say in a year he comes running back to you...do you really want to be the second choice? better yet...do you really want to have that in your head for the rest of your life? Forget him and move forward.

Your gut is right, she will never divorce and it could be years before he gets his head together. Yes you would be a rebound, an emotional tampon, and a crutch he leans on to help him heal. Keep your distance and don't expect him to be any kind of healthy partner for anyone, let alone YOU, a lifetime friend.

That would be a disaster for you and your beloved fool of a friend. It will take years to unpack all his emotional baggage, and you better protect yourself against his needy good intentions because he is to hurt to help anyone but himself. Let him, but without you other than as a friend.

One question. Do you want to be any man's second choice or back-up plan? You will never be able to trust this relationship. He could get back with you and they could continue the affair. He is cheating too to be with a married woman. Get out while you have your dignity.

I don't. But I'm trying to justify it by saying he is just confused and afraid of us moving too quickly and the sacrifices that he thinks would need to be made for us to work out vs. her. (i.e. me moving to be with him v. her living there already) I want him to see that his initial decision to end things with her was in fact the right one. It's so hard to walk away from something that felt SO right. And the fact she is a married woman should be a black and white decision. One he seemed to have already made. Is it wrong to believe that if he got to that decision once, he can get to it again? Does anyone know the hindu religion and how divorce works?

None of what goes on between them, has anything at all to do with the decisions you make regarding your own future. You have a growing false hope that he will see the light, and turn suddenly from her to you, and that at this time is unrealistic in light of the facts and you need the time to heal from your own unrealistic attachments more than he does.

Unless you recognize your own baggage that starts with what you want from him, you can never unpack it, overcame it, or move to a healthy logical place of making decision that work for you based on facts, and not just feelings. Its so simple now for you to plot a plan that gets him, but the reality is that even if he does wake the freak up, the emotional fallout will NOT be favorable or healthy for the next love in his life.

I mean you completely overlook the obvious flaws of a fellow that allows himself to be used by a married female in the first place. You are in the same trap as he is, following your hearts down a dead end street. A very dark dead in street.

You wouldn't recommend that to any one would you?

Does anyone know the hindu religion and how divorce works?

It really doesn't matter how it works because it won't happen. Two years later and she's still not divorced. She doesn't want to get divorced. She has her husband taking care of her and this guy giving her all the attention. She has what she wants. Why get divorced?

Do you REALLY need to waste more of your life with someone so completely incapible of making important decisions? Personally, I don't think so.

Thank you so much everyone for your insight. It's interesting how feelings completely overshadow reality. It's really difficult to move on and start over and I feel like I've done it so many times already. I was really hoping he was the one. He is a very intelligent man and the fact that he is allowing himself to be manipulated just saddens me. I hope the counselor can give him the insight he needs to figure this out.

Think of your wellbeing not his, though we understand YOU caring. Obviously the fellows who have responded think he is stupid, and foolish, but join you in the hopes that he gets help with his common sense issues.

When it's real, it just isn't this hard. Two available people meet, connect and grow in the relationship. Confidence grows with faithfulness, trust and knowledge that you both want to make the relationship work. You have none if that and a distance issue, too. Just move on.

When it's real, it just isn't this hard. Two available people meet, connect and grow in the relationship. Confidence grows with faithfulness, trust and knowledge that you both want to make the relationship work. You have none if that and a distance issue, too. Just move on.

We had that connection and growth and confidence and I think he just got scared. Which is why it's hard for me to accept this stupidity of his.

The reality is he wants HER more than YOU.

Uhm, no... If you had confidence you wouldn't be wondering who he will choose and there would be no married woman in the picture. If you had growth you would be in a exclusive relationship and he would not be years into an adulterous relationship. If you had the connection, you would know his feelings and intentions because his actions would support his words, and both would make very clear that he only has eyes for you.