I am 33 years old. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. I was unsure about the relationship at the time as I wasn't ready to be so settled. Also we had some issues in the bedroom and rarely had sex. We both seem to think that we were better friends than lovers. Since then I think I have come to realise that maybe the problem in the bedroom was more to do with me not making him feel like a man.

So I started on the adventure of a lifetime and left the country and my boyfriend to live, work and travel abroad. I was away for over 3 years. During this time my ex held out hope that I might return after 1 year and have the travel bug out of my system. When I didn't come back he became a bit angry and resentful and for a period we fell out. During the first 12 months I was away he was very busy with his work (Army) and was even deployed for 8 months. So when he returned home and he realised I wasn't coming back he quickly moved on. I feel he prefers to be in a relationship. They also live together in his house.

I have been back just over a month and we talk and catch up occasionally but always behind his girlfriends back as she wants him to have nothing to do with me. He has also been helping me out by lending me his car during the day while he's at work which his girlfriend would not approve of. He never really says anything positive about her to me and I really try to keep my opinions to myself as I do want him in my life in whatever capacity possible. He has always been a friend even while I was travelling. I have real feelings for him and I would like to try again. However, he is a dutiful guy and I don't think he could break up with anyone even if he's unhappy with her.

I don't know exactly what he thinks. I think he still has some feelings for me but is it enough for him to want to try again. I don't know what to do from here because it breaks my heart to think I can't have him in my life.

Dutiful or not, if he really wanted to be with you, he'd dump his girlfriend. The fact that he hasn't done so, speaks volumes.

You left, he moved on. I can't blame the girlfriend for not wanting him to have contact with you, since you obviously still have feelings for him, and want him back.

But bottom line, he's choosing who he wants, and his actions should tell you that it's not you. He may still care about you, but not enough to make his current girlfriend his ex, and take you back.

You may not care about the girlfriend, because she stands in the way of getting what you want. But you are old enough to know that you can't always get what you want, and you should step back when it's obvious that getting what you want, will hurt others. She doesn't deserve to be hurt. She's innocent in all of this. You both made mistakes, he moved on. Time for you to move on as well.

It's not all about what you want. You have to consider others as well.

People are exes for a good reason... and they should remain exes for the very same reasons.

Get out of his life, and stay out of his car! To keep him close is selfish and dishonest because you do have an agenda. If you can't come clean and be honest, you shouldn't even be around. That you would accept a guy who goes behind his partners back says a lot of things about you both, and none of them good.

Maybe he was going behind your back too, back in the day. Of course you think you are smarter than him and have him wrapped around your finger right? Maybe it's the other way around.

Thank-you for your responses and I think they are all very valid.

Although just to confirm Alty, I never said I didn't care about his girlfriend or have any ill feelings toward her even though she probably does have right to dislike me. She has chosen not to meet me and so I don't know her. You're right its not her fault.

Talaniman I think I would probably agree that it's best I was out of his life. In fact I am working on trying to leave town. Like I said I have been abroad and I have only been back a short while and haven't got on my feet yet. So I have been applying for jobs in other states. However, I don't understand your comment about thinking I am smarter than him and having him wrapped around my finger? If I was or did, why would I ask for help?

My ex is actually a very caring and understanding guy. Very loyal, dutiful and his biggest issue in this situation is that he is trying to please everyone. He would love for everyone to get along and be friends but as I have already told him, "you can't make everyone happy, you have to disappoint someone".

To be straight I take a dim view of someone who runs around abroad and comes home and needs help from an ex that they know is a good guy and can't say no. You do know he is going behind his girls back >for you< and there will be hell to pay if the truth comes to light. You don't care, too bad right? Your needs are being served, and the path is clear for you if there is trouble later.

How can you both not know this? The very thing you warn him of you use to get what you want. That's still deceit, and selfishness motivations. You even admit to wanting more from him. Your agenda is clear and self serving and highly manipulative. You really should get out of his life, and leave him alone and accomplish your goals for yourself without his help. Stop justifying your actions because he can't say NO, and going behind his girl friends back is the wrong thing to do. Knowing all that you do it any way.