I met a man 2 months ago who I fell for right away. We are both 48yrs old, have similar interests, same humor, and hit it off from day one. We have had a great time the past two months, but he has started to pull away a little bit now. He used to say things like, "I've fallen for you" and "I see this as a long term situation, etc". Now he says things like, "Life is complicated" and "I enjoy spending time with you and I want to take things day by day."
This started after I had a pretty bad situation at work occur that lasted for weeks. I was very upset, emotional and one night (yes... one night) when we went out I was in a bad mood. It bothered him, because he told me so. And I apologized. Ever since then, though, he's been more distant and sending mixed signals. Also, he has been divorced for seven years, however, he and his ex-wife live together. She is schizophrenic and they have three children, one who is 9 yrs old. The older kids are in college. He says his ex wife cannot handle their daughter on her own. He travels for work so if he had custody it would be difficult for him to get child care. I knew from the beginning that the situation was such, but I'm starting to get resentful that I'm not really sure why he's changed his mind about me.. us... and I don't know why he thinks it wouldn't bother me that he was living with his ex wife.

I care for him a great deal. I actually told people (and meant it) that I had never felt this way.. ever... about a man. I was married for 13 years and we split up 7 years ago. We remain friendly.. for our kids, but are not in love and do not live together.

Should I tell him I can't handle this because I am too afraid of getting hurt of do I see how things go and understand he is in a difficult situation?

Thanks for listening.

Are you certain that she is his EX-wife? He travels for work and would have to get child care if he couldn't leave the 9 yr old in the care of a schizophrenic ex-wife?
Schizophrenia symptoms: (web.MD)


Social withdrawal
Depersonalization (a sense of being unreal, hazy and in a dreamlike state), sometimes accompanied by intense anxiety
Loss of appetite
Loss of hygiene
Delusions
Hallucinations (hearing or seeing things that aren't there)
The sense of being controlled by outside forces
Disorganized speech



"Should I tell him I can't handle this because I am too afraid of getting hurt"-YES " of[or] do I see how things go and understand he is in a difficult situation?" NO

The entire "living" with the exwife is strange, have you been to the home. Does he chat and do phone calls from home. Does he have a separate bedroom.

And he could easily live somewhere else and just drop the child off at ex's for child care.

Sorry, entire thing just seems wrong

His home life does sound questionable. However, I am going to answer this as though he has only told you the truth and there are arrangements for the child that have been left out. For some couples the traditional divorce of splitting up and moving out is not an option. Some couples who may not be able to function as a married couple do stay in the same house for financial reasons or health concerns.

If his wife is schizophrenic and he has to deal with her mental issues on a regular basis, he may be looking for someone who is extremely emotionally stable. Part of him may have an unreasonable expectation that the person he dates does not show signs of anger, depression, mood swings, etc. You showed him that you are human with all the messy and negative emotions that go with it. He may be shying away because he can't handle your needs.

It seems to me that you both started out building a fantasy of who you thought the other person was or you wanted them to be. You have only known him for a couple of months. That isn't long enough to know who he is as an individual especially if your time is limited by his personal time constraints (work, family, etc.)

He comes with baggage. You either accept it or move on. You may not like his living arrangements, but it is your choice to date him or leave him alone.

You can talk to him about expectations, yours and his. You can be open about being human and being concerned. See if communicating and compromising can help form a stable base for building a relationship. But you cannot make demands. Neither should he. Remember that your insecurities are your own to fix, just like his belong to him. Your fear of getting hurt will be there in any relationship. It would just have a different focus point.

Personally, I would walk away from his drama. If I kept him in my life, I would back off from any form of a romantic relationship until I got to know him better and learned whether I could trust he is being honest with me about his personal life.

The initial shine of meeting is wearing off fast and there is nothing but complications so protect yourself. There is risk of getting hurt in any dating situation. Most would back away if the date exhibits bad moods when they go out. So you both have red flags waving all over the place.

Think with the head, and not just the heart.