My 45 year old cousin is engaged to an 18 year old child. Yup, you heard right.

He has two children, one is 16 (only two years younger than his bride to be) the other is 26, married. So yes, he's more than old enough to be this girls father!

One part of me is sick because of the age difference. I don't mind the gap, I hate the age. At 18 she can't possibly be mature enough to even think of marriage, and she's definitely not mature enough to be a step mom. She's only 18. No matter how mature she is for her age, and I've read her fb posts, never met her because she doesn't want to meet his family, and trust me, she's not mature at all. In fact, she's very immature for 18.

My cousin is one that easily falls in love, and out of love. When he started bringing girlfriends to our yearly family bbq's (which stopped when my Oma died) he'd bring a new girl every year. Each year she was younger and thinner. My mom once said to him "if you keep this up, in ten years you'll be bringing a toddler".

He's been married once, which was a shotgun wedding. They lasted a year. His 26 year old daughter is the result, need the cause, of that marriage. The only long term relationship he's ever had was with the mother of his second child. They actually lasted for 12 years, and he did love her a lot. Sadly she found someone else, couldn't deal with his immaturity. In a lot of ways his maturity level is right on par with his new fiancé.

Here's the thing. I practically raised his oldest daughter. I was 16 when she was born, and from the age of 4 months I took care of her every weekend, and many days during the week, so they could go out and party. I gave up what they weren't willing to give up, because I love this kid so much. Still do. We're very close, and I'm so very proud of her. She's married, has a wonderful husband, they just bought their first home.

Here's where the issue starts. I don't want to butt in, my cousin is a hard headed German, just like me, and no matter what I say to him, he won't see that this new relationship is a problem. But it is. He no longer talks to his two daughters. His oldest was shocked when he started dating this 18 year old child, but she wanted to make it work. So she contacted her fathers new girlfriend (one of many she's lived through) and offered to meet up with her. The 18 year old said "I have no desire to meet you right now. When we do meet, it will be on my terms".

Understandably my pseudo daughter, my cousins oldest child, took that as a slap in the face. Her father took his 18 year old girlfriends side. He told his daughter to back off, and leave them alone. Same with his 16 year old. He has visitation with her 2 weekends a month. She's been told she's not welcome in his home because his now fiancé doesn't want her there. She's uncomfortable having her around. She's only met her once.

Both of his kids are coming to me, asking me to help. My cousins parents don't want anyone to rock the boat. He owes them a lot of money, and they just want to keep him happy so he continues making payments to them. That's an even longer story. So now the kids really have no one to turn to, and they're turning to me.

The thing is, I know that if I butt in, if I confront him, it won't matter. He's in lust, and what 45 year old man wouldn't be all over an 18 year old (and she's gorgeous, I've seen pictures) if given the chance?

But this won't last. I know this, I know him. He's only 2 year older than me. This is just another flash in the pan, like all the rest. But this is the only one that's ever caused him to neglect his children.

If I butt in, what do I say to make him see that this 18 year old is only right now, his family, which he's destroying, is forever. I don't think there's anything I can say to make him see that.

I'm torn. I hate seeing his daughters so upset. I hate that he's choosing an idiotic child that he thinks he loves, over his own daughters. But I really don't know how to fix it if I decide to step into it.

YOU don't FIX anything. What consenting adults, even if you don't like it, do is their business. Yes, I agree it does appear strange with such an age gap and nothing I would do BUT love is blind. You obviously have no respect for this " idiotic child ". I hope she has better feelings toward you.

YOU don't FIX anything. What consenting adults, even if you don't like it, do is their business. Yes, I agree it does appear strange with such an age gap and nothing I would do BUT love is blind. You obviously have no respect for this " idiotic child ". I hope she has better feelings toward you.

She has no feelings towards me. She's never met me, or my cousins parents, or my cousins oldest child. She met his youngest only once, and then put her foot down and said she was no longer welcome in the home she lives in with my cousin. She refuses to meet any of his family. She only met his youngest child because she came over during my cousins visitation, and she happened to be there. She quickly made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with his children, and it was either them, or her. He chose her. Now my cousin is angry at his children, sending mean emails, especially to his 16 year old. He told her that he's throwing her cat out, the cat he said she could have at his house, because she's not taking care of it. She's not allowed in the house! His fiancé has put her foot down, and said she's not allowed in the house. So how is she supposed to take care of a cat that's in her fathers home, when his fiancé says she's not allowed to come in, and her father has agreed to that?

Love is blind, but it doesn't have to be stupid too. I know my cousin, and his track record. If I spent a day writing a list of his past true loves, I still wouldn't get them all. He's had too many. I doubt he's changed, since the last true love before this one, whose name he has tattooed on him, was only a few months before he met this new girl, and I do mean girl. They're engaged. He's 45, she's 18, they've known each other 3 months.

My lack of respect for this child is because of the what she's convinced him to do to his children. She's just a flash in the pan. I'd bet millions this relationship will be over within a year, if that, just like all his other relationships save one. In the meantime, he's messing up the two relationships that should mean everything to him, that of him and his children.

Sadly you really can't do anything other than be there for his daughters like you always have. I wish there was more but as long as she is separating him from his family there probably won't be much anyone can do.

One thing you haven't mentioned is when the wedding is supposed to take place. Maybe there is a chance it will fall apart before then.

Just read your second post. If he is sending hateful or mean emails to his daughters especially the 16 yr old, MOM needs to put her foot down and stop it. It may take contacting a lawyer and the police but she should allow him to emotionally abuse their daughters.

Add: And those two children have no support other than me. It's me they cry to, it's me they come running to, it's me they ask for help. His parents, their grandparents, are taking his side, only because they don't want to rock the boat, and it's only because he owes them a lot of money, their life savings and more, the reason they can't retire, which they know he won't pay if they go against him.

So the kids are left with no one. Only me. And I'm just a member of the family that's only included in my cousins life, and my Aunts and Uncles life (my cousins parents, his kids grandparents) because they feel obligated since my parents died.

I realize I have no power. I don't want power. Power isn't what I'm after at all. But I see this happening, and can't help but think that my cousin is choosing an 18 year old with a great body, that makes him feel young and attractive, over his children. He's driving his children away. That's forever. This 18 year old isn't forever. She's just an itch he's scratching, a way for him to feel young, feel better about the hole he's dug, and he's sacrificing his children to get that high.

Since my Aunt and Uncle care too much about the money he owes (can't blame them for that, they can't retire because of him) to protect his children, someone has to. I'd be willing to step in, even though I know that doing so won't change anything. But someone has to stand up and make him see what he's giving up just so he can screw an 18 year old girl.

It might be worthwhile to consider a few things.

All your information is second-hand, mostly from his two children, and there is nothing you've said to balance the information. You have no idea why she says the things she does, or why she takes such a hard line. Your opinion of her as being immature may not be correct, nor the opinion that she is the only cause of this rift.

A 45 year old man can speak for himself, right?

I would be there for the two children, the 16 year old, and the 26 year old, when they want to talk. I would not engage in any conversation about your cousin's choice of girlfriend. Tell them you love both of them, and you're sympathetic to their concerns/anger/confusion, but you have no influence in the decisions their father makes.

If you do have a chance to speak to your cousin and his intended (together preferably) you may learn a great deal about why there is such a rift between the kids, and them, and maybe there might be some compromises made to smooth the waters.

I think that the future will play itself out, with or without your intervention. If your prediction of failure for your cousin and his girlfriend, is accurate, it still won't mean he won't repeat the pattern as you've suggested in your post, with all the other failed relationships.

I would leave well enough alone, and do what you've always done with his children- be there for them, but keep your nose out of his personal business.

This is hard, it hits so close to home. Your cousin is probably 15 years beyond help, so I can only advise you to let him go. He sounds so much like the drug addict monster that impregnated my mother I get angry just reading. If the daughters are lucky they'll get out with only the scars I have painted over with sarcasm and flirtatiousness. Keep helping them get through this is all you've got.

@ Jake, thank you. I do know that intervening, which means confronting my cousin, won't help at all. I know that, which is why I wrote this thread, because I am torn, mostly because his children come to me asking me to intervene, talk to their dad, and I know that there's nothing I can say or do to change what he's doing.

I don't hate his girlfriend. How could I? I've never met her, which is his choice. I know you didn't mention hating her, I just want to clarify that I don't. I can't hate her, or like her. I don't know her at all. I only know that she's made his kids miserable. But that's no less than I'd expect from a child, and that's what she is.

One thing I haven't mentioned, when my parents died my cousin was there for me, as were his parents, and mostly his brother. He's more than a cousin to me because of that. He's like a brother, and it kills me to see him messing up the one real relationship he's ever had, that he has with his children, over some 18 year old that just can't be ready for marriage and being a step parent, only because of her age, and experience she hasn't had, and can't have because of her age.

@ Cat. Thank you. There is no wedding date. When he announced it, only on fb, I asked when the date was. I didn't get an answer. He was engaged to the mother of his second child, the 16 year old, for 11 years. They never married. Her choice, not his. He has a lot of issues, always has, too many to get into to explain why she chose not to marry him. I can only say that I think she made the right decision.

My take on him is that he's desperate for someone to love. So much so that anyone that says she loves him, is good enough, as long as she's young and gorgeous. He got together with his oldest daughters mother, again, the one he married and divorced, around 2 years ago. He dumped her because, and I quote "you're the same age as me. You're too old. I can't be with someone that's old, no matter how gorgeous you are. I have a rep to maintain".

I know him well. I think he "loves" this girl because she's gorgeous and young. I'm talking model magazine cover gorgeous. I've read things she's posted because her fb isn't private, and she's dumber than a sack of rocks. You'll have to take my word on that, or not. But she's 18, and hot. Knowing my cousin, that's all that matters. She'll boost his ego, and she does. It's not about loving who she is, it's about loving what she looks like, and her age. It makes him feel like a man.

If I were to tell you everything, I'd have to write a book. I know you can't know what I know because there's no possible way to tell you all everything. No one could. So please trust me to know him, and why he's doing this. I've known him all my life, and we've always been close, since I moved to Canada.

Also know that I really appreciate your advice. Much of it is dead on. I can't intervene, because it won't make a difference, it will only make more problems. The bad part is, I get emails, fb chats, phone calls, from his two daughters, begging me to do something, and it hurts, because I love them. They don't understand that there's really nothing I can do, or say to him. There's no way for me to switch on the light and make him see what he's giving up for this girl. I can't fix this for any of them. I know that, and it hurts so much. I want his daughters to get their father back, even though he was never much of a father to either of them, he's the only father they have. I can't fix it for them without losing the majority of the family I have left. I can't make it better without making it worse. :(


This is hard, it hits so close to home. Your cousin is probably 15 years beyond help, so I can only advise you to let him go. He sounds so much like the drug addict monster that impregnated my mother I get angry just reading. If the daughters are lucky they'll get out with only the scars I have painted over with sarcasm and flirtatiousness. Keep helping them get through this is all you've got.

Damn. Cats, just damn. Written word can't convey the tears I shed reading your post. It can't convey how much I don't want for them (his daughters). My relationship with my parents was the best, and that's what I wish for everyone I know and love. I have come to realize that the bond I had with my parents, the love I had for them, is not the norm.

I find that very sad. It should be the norm!

I don't want them to have scars.

So basically, they have me, and that's it? I don't know if I'm strong enough, or just enough enough, to be enough for them. :(

Cat asked you about his daughters' mothers? Where are they in all this?

Cat asked you about his daughters' mothers? Where are they in all this?

Two daughters, two mothers. The first mother, of the oldest child, wasn't much of a mother. I was more of one than she was, raised her child more than she did. That's not to toot my own horn. They were both to young to have a child much less raise one. Sadly, I was 2 year younger than them, I was 16 when she was born, her mother was 18, same age as her father. That's a long story too.

I took care of her, in my parents home with their approval, every weekend, and many times during the week. I became too important to this child, and the grandparents (my Aunt and Uncle) became upset because of jealousy. This child started calling me mom, and called her own mother by her first name. Until she moved far away, with her mother, at the age of almost three (I started taking care of her every weekend from the age of 4 months) I was with her more than her own parents were.

The second child, the younger of the two, her mother moved on. She was the one that had a long term relationship with my cousin, 12 years. They lived together, raised both children together (his first child moved back here when she was a teenager). This relationship ended. Lots of reasons on both ends. Long story short, it just wasn't right, and both of them had reasons for it not to last.

Yes, I got all that, but was wondering why they aren't interested in their daughters at all now. I'm not sure that the older daughter needs the attention the younger one does, and she has you as her mother.
This is mainly about the younger one. Her mother isn't dead, is she? 'Moving on' doesn't make her any less of a mother.

My advice is to stand by her (both of them of course) with every inch of your being, and stay out of his life. It won't help; it can hinder.

I think you stay out of this mess and give the girls moral support and guidance through what has to be a tough situation. I doubt anyone will change your cousins mind, or if they should try. I know its no fun being helpless to change, fix, or make things better with loved ones, but you can stay above it for the 16 year old. Hopefully if you stay cool she may follow that example. Seems her mom has.

You are in a very precarious position. On one hand this cousin is like a brother to you and you want to beat him on the head with an ice pick for being an idiot (for lack of a better word), on the other his daughters are like your daughters, and you want to protect them like you would protect Syd or Jared. I seriously understand your dilemma, I seriously do, and there is no easy answer.

You will alienate him even more if you stand up for what you believe in (and what is truly right) and confront him while protecting his daughters. But, that could backfire of there ever is a reconciliation between him and the girls. The best thing for you to do, in my opinion, is to be a sounding board for the girls, but stay out of his relationship.

Unfortunately he is a grown man and has the ability to make his own decisions where relationships are concerned. That doesn't mean that he is right, of course he is not right in this scenario, but that is a lesson he has to learn on his own. He will have to deal with the heartbreak when this 18 year old decides that it's time to move on and that he has lost his children because of his decisions. At least you can be there to pick up the pieces when that happens. There are consequences to our actions and sometimes those consequences aren't good. It's about time for him to learn that with no interference from friends or family. It's just a shame that his parents are so material that they don't bite the bullet and take the monetary loss. They are enabling his behavior.

Does your cousin have MONEY? Does sugar daddy play into this, or is she just looking for daddy?

This is a lose - lose situation... I can't think of any way to say anything and not end up on the losing side of things. And by the way... I agree with your opinion. What the hell does an 18 year old see in a guy his age... and from his end... he see's eye candy... he can't possibly think she is intelectually on his level. But then... maybe he is on hers.

Arrr! I just can't take it any more. My cousin has now blocked his two daughters from Facebook, his fiancé (the child) deleted his mother because she offered to pay to neuter the cat that belongs to his youngest, and lives with him, so that they don't put it out of the house because it's spraying. When the 18 year old said no, my Aunt (cousin's mother) called her inhumane. So bye bye to her.

He's alienated his entire family for this idiot child! I just want to slap him!

So, maybe at this point... now that nothing can make it worse... let him have it.

Yep. Time for a Ray Charles moment - "Hit the road, Jack. Don'tcha come back no more no more."

Too late. Right after posting this thread he fb chatted me, and you know me, I didn't hold my tongue. Since then he hasn't talked to me at all. But I have yet to be deleted as a friend on fb. In fact, he added my kids. Makes me sick. He deletes his kids, and his mother, but adds my kids? Maybe he's looking for friends for his fiancé. :(

I'm about to give him a huge piece of my mind, which will definitely get me deleted from his fb. But hey, he's already deleting everyone from his life, so why not delete them on fb as well? I'm sticking with his kids, they're more important.

Maybe it's time to get the toxicity out of your life where he is concerned. Block him on yours and the kids' FB.

It's okay to keep his girls in your life as they need some support right now, but it's time to kick him to the curb. You have too much other stuff going on right now that you don't need his drama.

You have too much other stuff going on right now that you don't need his drama.

What she said.

You and I are cut from the same cloth. Impulse control is not our strong suit. However, he is a 45 year old man. His decisions are his alone, and the consequences are his alone to deal with. There is no way you are going to influence him to change his path. We collectively agree that what he is doing is wrong, but he is a grown man and has the right to make his life choices the way he so chooses no matter how vehemently every one else in the family disagrees with his choices. It's okay to be supportive of his daughters, but it's not okay to meddle in your cousins love life. He is 45 years old and has a right to make his own mistakes and he is the one who is going to have to pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.

Your focus should be on your family, not his. While his daughters are going through hell right now, so is Jared and Jared is your number one priority.

I agree J. Jared and Sydney are, and remain, my top priority, but both of them also feel horrible for my cousins kids. The youngest, who is a year older than Jared, messaged him on fb about his attendance issues. She's in high school. She gave him a pep talk, told him it does get better, that high school is so much better than where he is now, so just hang on. She also told him that if he ever needed to talk, he should call her. That made me cry. She's going through so much right now, but she's still there for Jared. Jared was in shock, said "now I feel bad. I have a choice, and I'm making the wrong ones, but she's going through hell right now, and she doesn't have a choice. She should be calling me for a shoulder to lean on, not the other way around". Her message to him may just be the wakeup call he needs right now.

I am sending one last message to my cousin, and after that, to hell with him. But I do have to try one last time to make him see that what he's doing isn't right. Keep the girlfriend, by all means, keep your little toy, but don't throw away your kids because of her.

He knows how everyone feels already Alty. Let it drop now and resist the urge to get the last word.

Don't send that message Alty, it's just an exercise in futility only furthering your frustration.

I'll put that message on the back burner for now. Promise guys.

She also told him that if he ever needed to talk, he should call her.

Can you say "Cry for help"? Jared needs to get on the phone now.

Can you say "Cry for help"? Jared needs to get on the phone now.

He tried to call her yesterday, and she didn't answer her phone. He's going to try again today. I think they can both be a great support to each other. They are family, and family should stick together. I'm so proud of them both for being there for each other. She could definitely use more support than Jared right now. Jared has us, she has no one.

Okay, I know I promised, but I just posted this on my cousins wall.

https://www.facebook.com/yourreasontolaugh2011/photos/a.166228596796054.43306.165779253507655/611609535591289/?type=1

With the caption "thought of you when I read this. Love you cousin".

You should also know that his BMW is his prized possession. His parents paid for it after he totaled his other BMW, accident not his fault, but it was a hit and run, and he didn't bother to get insurance (smacking my head).

I know! I know! Stay out of it. But this is my family! He's like a brother to me, has been since my parents died. I can't just walk away and watch while he destroys the only thing of value, his relationship with his kids, and those that actually love him. Not some 18 year old bimbo!

On a side note. On her fb profile she lists her profession as a Veterinarian. Really? She's 18! To become a vet takes 8 years of college! So she started college at 10 or younger, since she claims to be working as a vet for the last year? How stupid does she think people are?

Sorry Alty, can't view that message. But seriously, is there any other way that we can tell you that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions? Yes, he is family, but if you want to remain family you will butt out for now and be there to help him pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.

Sorry Alty, can't view that message. But seriously, is there any other way that we can tell you that he is a grown man and can make his own decisions? Yes, he is family, but if you want to remain family you will butt out for now and be there to help him pick up the pieces when this relationship fails.

I know that you guys are right, it's the advice I would give if it were someone else. But I also know that I know him better than any of you will ever know him, no matter how much I write about him.

Knowing him the way I do, when this relationship falls apart, he won't admit he made a mistake, he won't ask for help picking up the pieces. He'll just make more mistakes, like he always has, and he'll just continue to hurt his children, his parents, and his family.

The time for a wake up call is long past overdue. Everyone treads around him for fear that he'll cut them out if they don't agree with everything he does. I'm tired of putting on a fake smile and pretending. Everyone is. It's time that someone told him what he should have been told 30 years ago when he started messing up like this. He never learned, because no one ever had the guts to tell him the truth. His parents just looked the other way, which is why he was a teen parent.

He owes his parents hundreds of thousands of dollars. Every time he screws up, they bail him out. His mother can't retire because of what he owes them. But he drives his brand new $80,000 BMW that he bought when his parents were in Germany (they wrote a new will which they always do when they travel to Germany, just in case something happens. They trusted him, and gave him access to their accounts in case of an emergency. He was involved in a hit and run that his insurance would have covered, but he didn't have insurance. So he bought a new $80,000 BMW that his parents paid for, without their permission while they were in Germany because they gave him access to their accounts in case of an emergency).

It's long past time that someone put their foot down with this overgrown 45 year old child. If it has to be me, and if I lose him because of it, I'm prepared to do that, for his children and his parents. Maybe by doing this his mother will see that staying silent, posting all these wonderful posts about her son, when he's stabbing them in the back every chance he gets, will be the wake up call they all need. If not, if I lose them, so be it. I'm prepared for that, and willing to accept that.

I recently posted a link on his oldest daughters wall. The post read "Never ignore a person who loves you, cares for you, and misses you, because one day you might wake up and realize you lost the moon while counting the stars".

My byline on that post read "This reminds me of someone. I hope he realizes what he's giving up before it's too late. If not, you have me, Rod, and the kids. We all love you and (your husband) very much. I think of you like a daughter, and that will never ever change, no matter what. Love you sweetie."

My cousins mother not only liked that post, but posted "My deepest wish is for him to realize this".

I know she only posted because her son, my cousin, had deleted her and couldn't read what she posted. She's such a vocal person about everyone's lives, interferes in her older sons life all the time, because he allows it. But with this son, her second born, she never says what she really feels, because she knows what will happen. It already has happened, and all she did to be deleted from his life, was to offer to pay for his youngest daughters cat to be fixed so that he wouldn't throw it out on the streets because his 18 year old girlfriend didn't like that it was spraying, and "it's just an animal. Animals can live in the wild. So no big deal throwing it out of the house". It was -30C when they threw it out, and that same day he deleted his youngest, the one the cat belonged to, from fb, because she begged him not to do it, to allow her to find a way to bring the cat to her mothers house.

Posting on his fb page until he deletes me, it's nothing compared to what he's done. The fact that he hasn't deleted me, a mere cousin, when he deleted both his kids when they really did nothing to really challenge him, gives me hope that maybe some of what I say, is sinking in. So no, I can't just walk away. I can't just let him be a man and work it out, because he's not acting like a man. He's acting like a child. Since he's acting like a child, someone needs to step in and correct his behavior. His age has nothing to do with his ability to make the right decisions, and he's proven that over and over again.

I have to ask, Alty, why are you asking for advice if you are not willing to take it? Is this more of a rant/vent?

Again, he is 45 years old and his parents have enabled this behavior. It's not likely to change, and he isn't your responsibility.

I have to ask, Alty, why are you asking for advice if you are not willing to take it? Is this more of a rant/vent?

Again, he is 45 years old and his parents have enabled this behavior. It's not likely to change, and he isn't your responsibility.

I guess I'm like a lot of the people that ask for advice here. I want to hear that I'm doing the right thing. But I do actually want advice. At the same time, there's no way to tell you all everything, which means that when I do get advice my first thought is "but you don't know him like I do. You don't know everything". In a way that's my fault, but really, how can anyone post everything about someone and the relationship they have with that person, and everything that's led to the questions they're asking? I've known him for 43 years, and I can't post 43 years worth of info on him so you all have the whole story.

I do know that if I were answering my question, I'd give the same advice given to me. But having posted this thread, I also know how so many others feel when they ask advice, and are frustrated because no one can really understand the family dynamic without knowing the actual people involved. It's so easy to say "just walk away" when this is all you have left of family. When you know that walking away won't help, and that chiming in may not help either, but you're very much caught between a rock and a hard place, being pulled in all directions, and you really do want to help.

So to answer your question. Yes, I do want advice, but like every other person that posts on this site, getting the advice doesn't mean I agree with it, or will follow it. I have to choose. I also do want to vent, and in doing so I'm hoping that someone with a similar experience, will chime in, and tell me what they did, so I have something to base my decisions on. Not that their success or failure will be mine if I go the same route they did.

I do know that walking away, forgetting about it, and leaving it up to my cousin, isn't a real option. This is all very personal. It's not black and white. Walking away is an option, and a good one. Leave him to his own devices and hope that after 45 year of huge mistakes, he'll finally figure it out. Or step in, and hope he sees the light, hope he chooses his children, his family, over some 18 year old idiot he just met.

I lost both of my parents. I have two children. My main fear in all of this is that when he dies, his children won't even care because he chose someone else over them, cut them from his life over a young piece of a$$. Another fear is that he'll die alone because of the choices he's made. Walking away would save me a hell of a lot of heartache. I know I don't need more crap to deal with in my life. Sadly, he's a part of my life, as are his children, and just walking away and hoping it all works out, it's an option, but it won't mean that my stress is reduced, or that my involvement is reduced. I'm in it, because it's family. Walk away or dive right in, the results are the same. I'm in it no matter what. It's family. :(

Alty, I am going through something in my family so dramatically different, yet so eerily similar in family dynamics. I don't want to air my family's problems online, but suffice it to say that there comes a time when you have to step back and let nature run it's course. If not for the family, for your own sanity.

If you want to talk about it, I can call you, but I will not discuss my family's issue online.

Boy! Am I ever the wrong guy to ask about age gap. Teresa and I have been living together for the last 20 years. We figured that we knew each other well enough to get married. She is my best friend first and my wife second. The Gap between our age is 23 years. We have been together so long that we have a loving a comfortable relationship.
I do see a problem with the girls age. In my estimation she is too young and inexperienced to make a decision involving marriage.I realize you're frustrated but about all you can do is to be there for the children. Regards to all, Tom

Boy! Am I ever the wrong guy to ask about age gap. Teresa and I have been living together for the last 20 years. We figured that we knew each other well enough to get married. She is my best friend first and my wife second. The Gap between our age is 23 years. We have been together so long that we have a loving a comfortable relationship.
I do see a problem with the girls age. In my estimation she is too young and inexperienced to make a decision involving marriage.I realize you're frustrated but about all you can do is to be there for the children. Regards to all, Tom

Tom, I wouldn't have an issue with the age gap, if she weren't a teenager. At 18 I really don't think she's mature enough to be this seriously involved in a relationship, engaged, marrying a man that has two children, the youngest only 2 years younger than she is. The fact that she's making him cut his children from his life, for her, shows how very immature she is.

If she were in her 20's, and accepting of his children, accepting of the fact that she's not only marrying him, but his family, I'd have no problem at all. It's not the age gap, it's the fact that he's cutting out everyone in his life, just for her.

We had Easter dinner at my Aunt's and Uncle's house yesterday (his parents). He came. His fiancé didn't. His kids were there, trying their hardest to talk to him, have him back in their lives. It went well for a while, until they asked why he had blocked them from fb. His reply "you both were posting crap about the love of my life". Their response "We didn't post anything about her at all, we don't know her. We posted that we missed you, and that the reason you weren't talking to us, or seeing us, was because of her. That's what you told us".

It turned into a big fight. I was staying out of it, until his 16 year old started crying. Then I confronted him. Surprising enough he listened. Not that he took any of my advice, but he did listen. My advice was "your kids are forever, wives come and go, and this one will likely go before she even becomes your wife. Even if she doesn't, your children are forever. You have to ask yourself why she won't accept them, and if you really really want to be with someone that makes you choose between her and your kids".

When he left we hugged, and he said "I love you cuz. I will think about what you said. But I also want you to know that I love her. She makes me happy. I'm not willing to give that up. My kids have to accept that".

It doesn't take a psychiatrist to see what's going on here. She's 18, she lost both her parents. She wants a daddy. He's old enough to be her daddy, he takes care of her, spoils her rotten. He's in his 40's, pierced both his ears, does the fake tan, bought the expensive sports car. Now he has a pretty young thing on his arm, making him feel young again.

This isn't love.

Hey Girl,
Back off! You're too involved. Your not going to make him a better dad. Let it go. What will be will be. While you can't do much about his relationship you can be there for his children. I think she is mistaking watching a dad in place of love. Don't tear yourself up over something that you cannot change. While you cannot change their relationship you can support the children. And that I would advise.
There are some things in life that we simply have to accept and this appears to be one of them. I wish both you and them good luck and happiness. Regards, Tom

Alty,

I'll just say that it is good that you said your peace... perhaps you planted a seed for thought. Maybe, along with what everyone else has said to him, he will truly give it some consideration. If not now, as he is in love and likes how the relationship makes him feel right now, then he likely will down the road when things are less rosy.

Who knows, whether they remain together or not, maybe things will change and relationships will be mended. That is all you can hope for at this point.

Thanks both of you. I did get to say my peace, and that's all I can do. I told him that I wouldn't mention it again, that the rest is up to him.

I did stress that anyone that's in your life, should accept your children. He can have both. Even though it gives me the creeps that he's engaged to a child, one only 2 years older than his youngest daughter, I've never ever said to him that I think it's wrong. She's legal.

I've never told him I disagree with this because of her age, even though I do. My only issue is that he's giving up his children for her, because that's what she wants. Again, doesn't take a genius to figure out why. She found her daddy figure, and she doesn't want to share him with the other kids.

But I'm out of it on his end. From now on I'm concentrating on being there for his kids. But, if he calls me for advice, or wants to be back in my life, of course I'll be there for him as well. He's like a brother to me. I think that's what hurts the most. He's not only distancing himself from his kids, but his parents, and his brother, as well. Both my parents are deceased, I'm an only child. I'd give anything to have my parents back. He has his, and he's throwing it all away for some child he's only known a few months.

The best and really only thing that matters is getting his kids through this because they need the love and guidance and support of all of you to cope with all this.