Hi all,

I'm 19 and she is 18, we met 4 and a half years ago in school, we got along like a house on fire and it was love at first sight. We eventually began dating after a month or two of flirting. It was an extremely good relationship, the type people look at and envy. We were each other's first loves. Things went well for around a year and a couple of months, we dated as normal and fell truly in love. Then I began to get a bit jealous (for no good reason) around the 1 year mark, this lead to me asking her not to do things and naturally affected the trust between us. I didn't want to admit to myself at the time that what I was doing was the problem. That manifested itself as me having doubts about the relationship and eventually I said I wanted to break up. She cried, I cried, it was very upsetting for both of us. I felt very bad for letting her down and I promised her that I would never get back together with her unless I was completely sure that the relationship was something I wanted, because I didn't want to let her down. Although we decided to break up, we still maintained the level of communication, contact and intimacy that we previously had (but no kissing/sex). We still went out together, and treated each other like we were a couple. We even slept in the same bed as each other when I would stay over. She wanted to be my girlfriend more than anything in the world and six months after the break up she tried to seduce me, but I stuck to my word and didn't respond, as I still wasn't completely sure.

It was after this point that we decided we should initiate a no contact policy. However for whatever reason we just couldn't keep away from each other. As a result we continued doing the same. Around a year later I realised my jealousy and why it broke up the relationship. I told her that I was wrong and that I was genuinely sorry for what I had done, and how I had treated her. I told her I would do my best to change myself, and I did. From then on our relationship was different, the trust was 100% back and even stronger than ever. And I began to feel like I loved her again. It took me another a year to finally admit that I loved her to her face. I'm the type of person who over thinks everything, and makes a big deal out of small situations, I tend to torture myself with decisions and as a result am rarely sure of what I want or how I feel. However since our relationship was so tough and so difficult, but still so strong after 4 years and I still felt like I was in heaven when I was with her, I deduced that our love must be real. It is tried and tested, we stayed for each other through very difficult circumstances and although I wish it didn't have to be this way I think it has made us a very strong couple. I was able say that I loved her again because it was impossible to deny no matter how much I over thought it.

In the last couple of months our relationship kind of went into over drive. I began staying at her house and sleeping over every other night, we spooned as we watched movies and we began play biting and kissing on everywhere but the lips. I was so happy, I was going to ask her out and I was convinced she would say yes. Then, due to exam results she decided to take a gap year to Australia for 9 months (I live in Ireland so pretty much the other side of the world). I then mentioned the idea of a "proper" relationship again and she told me that she didn't want to because she would miss me too much etc. So I said to myself that it was OK and that I would just ask her out when she came back. It seemed like she was definitely interested in taking the relationship out of the "Going out but not putting a name to it zone", because on my birthday, she grinded on me (something that she had not done in 2 years). I was happy to see her go on a long holiday to Australia and see another part of the world, even though it did make me sad that I would miss her. I really felt like she didn't want us to grow apart because she made me letters, already addressed to her Australian home so we could keep in touch. She also told me that she didn't want to use this time to grow apart.

Part 2 below...

Continued from first post...


Everything was going fine, we were talking on skype almost daily and enjoying each other as usual, until around a month ago we she seemingly overnight decided that she wanted to try other people. She talked as if she had no interest in me at all. This made me really sad, I confessed my deepest love for her and tried everything to make her see that I wanted to go out with her. But it was almost like she was a different person, She just acted really removed like she didn't care at all. Eventually a couple of days ago she told me she was drinking vodka with some guy and that nothing happened but they slept in the same room (not the same bed). I found this very weird because she doesn't drink, it was very out of character. This knowledge made me extremely sad and I begged her to go out with me. She said no again, and I was left with no choice but to do a "no contact" type of deal. However this no contact is just no Skype or IMs, we agreed to send letters to keep in touch.


She wants to try other people and she won't listen to anything I say. I know she loves me but she tells me she doesn't. I really don't know what to do because I really love her and our relationship is not one that I feel will be possible to find again. Part of me thinks that she is a little afraid of getting back into a relationship because we are so close and we work so well together and we have already ironed out our problems. Meaning that if we go out again it would have a real possibility of ending in marriage. I know it may be confusing for the reader but you have to understand that in both of our heads we have been going out for four and a half years, despite only putting a title on it for 1 of those years.


My problem is that I feel so bad for being jealous and controlling in the beginning and also for taking so long to know how I felt, that I have wronged her and deserve for this to happen. But that aspect of our relationship is fixed and she knows that I have done everything humanly possible to make up for what I did. I really don't know what to do because I really want to be with her. If I look at it from her perspective I sometimes see where she is coming from, but I know that all it would take is one kiss with me and she would never look back. What should I do? I want her back but I don't want to loose myself respect by waiting for her to play the field while I sit on her doorstep.


Any help with be appreciated and I'm sorry it's so long and complicated but that's just how it is.


Thanks guys.


Oscar

I want her back but I don't want to lose my self respect by waiting for her to play the field while I sit on her doorstep.


Total no contact and build a life that you enjoy without her in it. You cannot keep yourself respect wanting some one that doesn't want you. Obviously she is determined to explore her other options for fun and romance. You should be doing the same and keep your dignity, and self respect.