I asked my boyfriend if he imagines having sex with other girls and he admitted that he often (don’t know how often) fantasizes about other girls he sees in real life. He was very nice when telling me about it and asked me to be supportive. I had an unrealistic idea about male sexuality and did not expect him to think about sleeping with every attractive girl he sees, so I got a little upset when I heard about it. I am still not comfortable with the idea that he thinks about other women while having sex with me. Don’t get me wrong I think it’s OK to watch porn, to masturbate, to imagine sex with made up people you’ve never met, even to think of exes ones in a while but it seems like it’s a whole new level when he “brings his female coworkers into our bed”, so to speak. I do not want to appear stubborn and unwilling to understand men; I have read some articles on-line and I am beginning to understand and feel better about these fantasies but it took me a long while of him calming me down and us fighting and I am afraid I am losing my boyfriend.

I need help assessing how much damage I have done being upset at him after he’s shared his secret with me. I’m imagining a man that loves a girl will try hard not to hurt her but after she becomes unreasonable for awhile due to her ignorance, he will be less likely to try to accommodate her. Am I right? He has been lot more distant from me, irritated, and he became mean, so I am afraid of asking him how much damage has been done. Maybe now he purposefully tries to look at other girls in spite me. I know he doesn’t want to try and comfort me anymore because he has been trying for a long time and it brought him nothing and I am still unhappy – his words. Is there a way to tell if he will ever want to comfort me at times of insecurities again or if he will ever be able to respect me and think that I am good for him? What should I do to make things better, in case there is a chance for us to have a loving relationship?

I told him that I am only worried about these fantasies because I love him so much and that him being open is suuper important to me because he plays a huge role in reshaping my outlook on life into a more realistic one but it doesn’t seem enough for him. He says that when he was upset I never seemed to put any effort into making him feel better, so why should he… Are these good reasons to be giving up?

I have more questions I would want to ask him, like if it is important for him that we do not work together or what exactly fantasies he has. However I know if I ask anything relating to work or fantasies he will become defensive and there is a chance we will just fight or even worse he will think I am more paranoid. He does not seem depressed or upset over this, instead he says I have mental problems and I take them out on him. Why doesn’t he want to know WHY his fantasies bother me so much? Today he said that I have 3 choices: to get over the fact that he fantasizes about others, to break up with him or to never bring up that his fantasies bother me. He said not too long ago that he is upset that no matter how hard he tries he can not make me happy and that I have to decide whether I want to stay in this relationship and make it work or leave him. It makes me feel insecure to see how unafraid he is of me leaving. Not too long ago he said he will not even go to work anymore if I decide to leave him because he will be so upset he will not see a point in it… but in view of him being OK if I leave now, statements like these just make me feel he is feeding me lies.

He started his job couple of months ago which includes a lot of human interaction and perhaps he is not afraid of me walking out because he sees enough attractive perspective females on the horizon now so he knows he won’t be alone if I leave. Is this something I should be concerned about? If he thinks this way does that mean he doesn’t love me that much or is it normal that he may feel this way?
Please help by answering and addressing as many of my questions as possible and telling your opinion on the situation I am in. I really need guidance!

You can feed the negatives, or feed the positives. Your choice. Instead of demanding answers to many questions, mostly to reassure your fear and insecurity, enjoy and appreciate what you have while you have it.

You seem to depend on it so much.

Your first problem was asking him if he imagines having sex with other women. If you are not prepared for an honest answer, you should never ask the question.

Do not, I repeat, do not ask him about his fantasies. That will be a recipe for disaster. Everyone has fantasies, some you share, others are to be kept private.

It appears you are a very insecure person and have a need to be validated. Asking him questions like this is not a way to validate yourself.