Yesterday I attended a friend, Hannah's, private film screening party. I haven't seen her in over a year. She invited myself and a bunch of her friends including my ex friend (we never technically dated but we were both interested in each other at one point) Hannah, Nick and I met in a writing class we had in university in 2012. Nick would show interest in me in class (staring, complimenting my work, etc.) I'm really shy so I actually avoided him for a while out of nervousness but toward the end of the year I warmed up to him and was able to have short convos with him without stuttering. (I have social anxiety, and I'm not good with guys). Anyway, the class ended he contacted me afterwards via Facebook. From there we texted often for a weeks. He'd regularly talk about meeting up, and even tried to ask me out to dinner once. I own a small business so it was difficult to find time to visit him because I moved cities and lived quite far from him (a 2-3 hr bus ride), BUT I made sure to mention 3 times that we could meet each other half way. He was never interested in having to travel any distance to see me though and would never answer that suggestion.

Randomly he started ignoring my texts for days when he was the one who texted me first nearly all the time. 2-7 days later he'd text me back apologizing like mad, saying how terrible he was, and that he was busy with school/had fallen asleep/was depressed). This would happen Every time.

I found out through his twitter that he was actually talking to other girls online many of those times. I have severe social anxiety, and I suppose, a fragile heart. I've never been in a relationship. The thought of a guy actually liking me and wanting to date me seemed surreal. I was naïve enough to think I was wanted, that I deserved love. Instead I was made a fool of and badly hurt because of my ignorance. I hated myself, I cried often and blamed myself for the way he treated me. (I still do look back and nitpick at my behaviour, what I said, trying to figure out how I may have messed this up). I was a ing mess. I didn't know how to move on from that. I still don't I guess. But I still tried. Literally the only thing I could think to do was erase his phone number (ignore any further texts) and restrict him on Facebook. Just try to avoid him forever if possible. He invited me to his party but I didn't respond or go after much deliberation (people said I he ignored me on the phone, he'd do it at the party too, which was probably true. Plus I was just too hurt to attend.)I ignored his texts indefinitely. Also last May he attended a convention I was working at and stood close to my table just watching me. I ignored him though as part of my 'no contact' rules. But I could tell he was still staring, I chanced a look and saw that he looked kind of upset/sad. I couldn't take the staring, if he came up to me I would have said 'hi, nice to see you here but I'm busy.' But being watched by him excited so much anxiety in me that I left my booth and went to the washroom. When I returned he was gone. I texted him later, but he never responded or contacted me in any way again)

FAST FORWARD to January 24th, 2014, when I attended my friend Hannah's film screening. She doesn't know what happened between us. So when I arrived she told me to go talk to Nick, who was sitting on a chair across from someone. When we made eye contact he just stared at me. It was a far cry from how friendly he used to be. I looked away immediately. I was nervous and felt awkward. But I didn't want to be rude, and he was still staring so I made myself look back at him and wave. He continued to just stare.

I felt like it was in retaliation to what happened last year. But last night I was willing to be civil, I was willing to try and even make amends even though he hurt me. But when Nick ignored me I suddenly felt really awkward, I was in disbelief and disappointed in him.

Does he hate me know, or was his behavior coming from a place of hurt because he's still interested deep down? Was he EVER interested? Why would an ex CRUSH/friend do this after hurting me? He even has a girl he's seeing now, so you'd think what happened between us in 2012-2013 wouldn't even matter to him now. More importantly though, I'm interested in figuring out how to handle future situations where we will be in the same vicinity.

Also, our mutual friend Hannah doesn't know we had a falling out. She kept trying to push me on Nick yesterday and I'm scared to break it to her that we're not exactly friends anymore. What do I do? Already anxious about the future...

Your own personal issues seem to lead to many assumptions and presumptions about what goes on in the minds of others. Stop assuming and treat others as you want to be treated. When in doubt ask, when confused ask them what they think and not assume what's on the mind of another.

Then you will know how to act in public and not be afraid to act in public. Or blame a poor smuck for not being able to read your mind that leads to big awkward misunderstandings.

You know you have issues so work on them instead of assuming the worst in people, and yourself. Or yourself. Get over your fear and conquer your own anxiety.

It is very possible, he barely remembers any "relationship" In life, you are going to have to deal with people that hate you, may have to work with a ex lover, so get over it.

A almost crush from a year ago, that just stopped test message, is not even enough to lose sleep over. This sounds like it was produced into a totally out of proportion situation.

There is nothing to handle, he had no relationship with you, other than in your mind.

@talaniman (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/talaniman.html) Thanks for your answer. I'm working on my anxiety issues. I have been for many years now.


Get over your fear and conquer your own anxiety.

This is something I'm trying to do. However, I'm bound to run into this guy again in the future. He attends the same conventions as me, and we share a mutual friend who pushes me on him when we're in the same vicinity because she isn't aware of our falling out.

Is there anything I can do/say to her to make her understand that we're no longer friends? Would it be OK to simply tell her that we've drifted apart. I'm too humiliated to confess that I felt anything for this guy and was hurt by him.

As well, in the future should I just not wave or greet him in anyway? I really regret having tried to be friendly at Hannah's event. He's not a good person, and acted very immaturely.

@ Fr_Chuck (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/members/fr_chuck.html)


so get over it

Aside from how rude this was, I'm pretty much over him. He's proven himself to be a bad person, at least to me. I wouldn't even want a friend like him. I just don't know how to deal with running into him at our mutual friend's gatherings. I guess I'll just avoid him and never wave, smile, or greet him in any way. He's immature and rude, and I deserve to only deal with people who respect me which he clearly doesn't.


There is nothing to handle, he had no relationship with you, other than in your mind.

No, we had history together as far back as last May. It's not made up and he's the one who pursued me quite aggressively and forced his friendship on me. Then he started asking me out and then ignoring me and stuff. I won't go into detail because that's not important here. Point is I was completely led on, but I'm getting past that. I just want to know how to handle our mutual friend Hannah. She doesn't know what happened between us and tries to force me to interact with him when we're in the same vicinity.

I'm ashamed to admit that I had any feelings for him, so I don't know how to let her know about our falling out.

To an outsider you simply tell your pushy friend he isn't your type. No one but a good close personal friend need know your private or past business. Just to be clear he neither forced his friendship, or led you on as half the blame for failure and misunderstanding falls on you for 1) Not nipping things in the bud and allowing him to continue his push, and 2) allowing his advances.

A major part of your social anxiety is not having developed the interaction skills of expressing yourself precisely and from what you have written, the examples of this fellow and your pushy friend are major examples of not firmly presenting your own wishes to them. You could have easily dismissed this fellow when you surmised he wasn't going to travel to see you or make time and effort to do so, but you didn't, you kept on talking while he did his thing and you could hardly blame him for that. Just as easily you could have dismissed your friends pushy suggestion to even talk with him. You didn't, you talked to him or tried.

Part of over coming your social anxiety is to be able to treat others "normally" according to the setting or situation despite past history, and feelings from the past. In this way you can limit interactions to those you want, and leave others behind. You don't have to play what if games with yourself or others, or have resentments and regrets for things you cannot control.

But you MUST own your own actions responsibly. No one can push you into what you don't want, though no doubt they will try. You have no history with this fellow, just his futile attempt at talking/chasing you that lead nowhere. Treat him normally when you see him, friendly but unavailable except where it's business, and merely don't act on your friends suggestion to talk to him. You don't have to explain, or give a reason just you simply are not interested.

I have always found it helpful to ask questions and chit chat about the persons interests briefly before excusing myself to other tasks/guests in large social settings. It's a matter of practice leading to experience and being comfortable with yourself and your own ability of self expression. Most people are anxious in public, so never think you are the only one who get nervous interacting with others.

Go forth with confidence.