A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

"everything that kills me makes me feel alive." Onerepublic

Some I made up:
Cremora merged with Coffee-Mate and will call the new product Cremate.
After the CEO of IBM went ballistic, he was called the ICBM.
Doris Day and Phyllis Diller had themselves cloned: it was just another Day, another Diller.
A friend made up:
Why did Superman cross the road? He didn't have his capon.

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Johnny Carson says he encountered a little old lady who said he wanted to get him on canvas. He said "You want to do a painting of me?"
She said "No, I have an old Army cot in my Winnebago."

What's another word for thesaurus? probably George Carlin
What happens if you are traveling at the speed of light and turn on your headlights? definitely George Carlin

Hank (from Breaking Bad to his partner): "Your breath would scare a buzzard off a sh*t wagon."

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

I just made this one up as a New Year's Resolution:
I want to be kinder to bunnies - there's a lot of them under all my furniture and I intend to let them be.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

Joy, love your post. Even dust bunnies deserve to be happy. :)

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. Anonymous

"What a terrible thing to have lost one's mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is." Dan Quayle

For all our members in the Current Events forum

“The difficult thing with quotes on the internet is verifying them”
– Abraham Lincoln