As of recently, I was given a very strange and tough situation, and I do not know the right way to handle it.

This past Thursday evening , I received a phone call from a very close friend wanting to talk. The call was out of no where but not uncharacteristic to hear from her (for post purposes we will say her name is Sam) She told me as of recently she had been struggling with something in regards to herself and her marriage. So I asked her what and she told me that she has been in love with me for a while and just never did anything about it. My first response was asking her if she was sure she wanted to say that and talk about that and second asked her If she was just saying that because she was unhappy in her marriage.

So some back story.

Approximately 7 years ago is when we met, we hit it off had a small fling but ultimately decided to end it because I felt she was still hung up on her high school boyfriend (we were young and 18 and dumb) . We stayed very good friends though, I dated people and she did as well nothing was odd between us at all . Shortly there after I had a serious breakup and to the advice of a lot of people I eventually got to a point where I was just working on getting myself emotionally stable after the break up. I was surrounding myself with friends etc. At this point, this was the first time Sam and I were both not seeing anyone so when we would hang out it was flirty and always seemed a little more than just friendly. Me being in the mind set I was in at the time, I decided to just essentially shut off the emotional side of me and I didn't want to get involved because I was not ready for a relationship yet.This was when we were both 20.

Fast forward to when we were 21 we came back to college, a new year beginning and we had stayed close and just talked as normal nothing out of the ordinary. I met my now ex-girlfriend who I dated very seriously at that point in time, about 2 months after that She started dating her now husband. A friend and at the time classmate in my major of mine. Within 14 months Sam and her boyfriend were engaged and married. I attended their wedding.

My ex and I broke up I was upset but after time I eventually got over it. I started dating more openly and again focusing on myself. Got in shape and focusing on my career . Sam and I still talk , about once or twice a year I see her and her husband.

We are both now 25 , she got married right before she turned 23 and has been married about 2+ years now. Myself personally, due to the loss of a friend have refocused my life and really established a great outlook on everything. In my opinion have become a very emotionally strong person .

Which leads into this past Thursday evening and her call. As previously mentioned, she told me she has been in love with me. My other response to her was if she needed to go talk to someone about her marriage that maybe this is just because she was not happy. She insisted that it was not due to that. She says that this has been building within her for well over a year and after the "honeymoon" period of her marriage had ended. Her question to me, which I thought was a bit unfair was If I felt that we had anything between us that could have been serious and real. I know the "right" thing is to say "No" because she is married to a friend not to get involved, but I just cannot justify saying No because I know it would be a lie. There has been something there though that to me always viewed her as more than a friend.

Honestly , through college I did wonder what would have happened if we did date seriously and I always thought she was a girl you could really bring home. But again that was the past and I cannot differentiate if I am just thinking this again because she has brought it to me. Also in the same thought of things, if her and her husband did split due to their differences I can't say I wouldn't pursue after her.

It is worth noting also we live about 130 miles from each other.



To make a long story short.. I do not know what the proper thing is to do in this situation and would really love some advice. I don't want to be that guy that causes issues in a marriage and it has me in a bad spot. She wants to talk about it and what we should do about things.

Thank you.

She is married to your friend so you directly tell her NO. There will be no discussion of YOUR feelings for her except as a friend, not only because its inappropriate and crosses the lines of good behavior by setting false hopes, and expectations that will distract her, and you from the real issues of her life which is the work that in a marriage comes after the honeymoon. Discussing feelings and possibilities between you is the start of emotional cheating that can quickly escalate into more, and cause you both misery you don't need.

Recognize she will see you as an easy out of her unhappy reality, so back off this path my friend, and let her solve her own problems in her new marriage, instead of making more complicated ones in both your lives. If her marriage fails let it be by her decision, without your influence, NOT because of YOU!

NO is justified here, despite your feelings which is none of her business since she is MARRIED, and looking for a way out so don't help her cheat! Your flights of past fancy have already made you miss that she is willing to cheat to escape her unhappiness with YOU. If you go down this path, she will surely cheat on you too, when the honeymoon is over, and she is again unhappy. Cheating and running away from her problems is no solution and for you to waste time entertaining such a thought is no help either.

Don't let your own feelings distract you into a dumb decision based on feelings and NOT FACTS. Following her and not your own instincts of doing the right thing is making a bad decision with profound consequences. Protect yourself by keeping a healthy distance between her and her issues that she NEEDS to address.

Don't trust any person who is willing to draw you into drama- either current, or what certainly will be in the immediate future. Drama being the conflicting feelings you have that have jumped from an honest friendship, to a possible serious connection severing that friendship tie, and leading you to an affair or more, with a married woman.

Give your head a shake here.

I personally think that it is dishonest for you to even entertain conversation with another man's wife.

You've spent a great deal of personal time going through the anguish of recovering from broken relationships. You were smart enough to know that you needed time, when it was over, to get yourself back on track, before you even considered another relationship.

What you don't have, are boundaries. Personal ones. Even with friends, successful friendships last only because of mutual respect, and boundaries- particularly not crossing any lines.

You have already crossed a line discussing this married woman's woes of her marriage, and professing 'love' for you. You have begun to stab another man in the back too- not very honourable now is it.

Let her figure out her marriage, which she may decide is worth saving, if she doesn't have the arms of another man to jump into. Give her a clear signal that you are not interested in her romantically, nor can you be, because she is married and off limits. Refuse any discussion about how rotten her marriage/husband/life is, and allow her to put on her big girl panties, and figure it out for herself.

I would further advise you to end the friendship, which has dramatically changed, and will never be the same. There will always be lingering doubts now that she has begun to consider cheating with you, on her husband. Just don't go there. No matter what she does, she has poisoned the friendship.

I realize you were caught off guard. But, the obvious answer to your problem is, don't mess with another man's wife- ever. And, choose your friends more carefully from now on.