My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 months and get on really well. We only met last weekend for the first time and things got passionate!

Anyway we used to talk and text every day but since we are in an LD it has not been easy. So ever since last weekend we have both missed each other and last Monday night she broke down in tears saying this is too much but with the pressure of her being a first year teacher probably does not help. She was report writing last week but for last four days she has been coming home and falling asleep. We had a good talk over the weekend and her mind is in a state of confusion and she feels it's not fair on me but I said I would support her. So we both looked at our schedules and agreed to set days out for phone calls and video calls. She liked the idea but she also told me that she was thinking maybe we should take a break but she did not know what that meant. We were meant to speak around 7.30 last night but she said make it later. I called her and no answer.

What do I do in this situation?

Leave her alone. Maybe she liked the online you but not so much the real you. You don't really know her and I don't think she is being honest.
She met you and is not feeling you.
Leave her alone.

Anyway she called me this lunchtime to apologize for not getting back to me last night she sounds tired and down but she told me she loved me and cared about me but she feels it's not fair to put me through this situation but I said I'm here for her ! So what do you think she is not been honest about ?

She does not want to continue the relationship with you. I don't understand what "this situation" is.
I'd leave her alone. This is very immature behavior.

The first thing you should do is learn how to use punctuations.

"she told me she loved me" - doubtful. You may have wanted to hear that and put it in your head that she said it. But I highly doubt she did. If in the very small chance she did say that, she was probably trying to get you off the phone.

You seem to be rushing the relationship which means it was doomed from the start. I suspect you rush all of your relationships. Get to know someone first before you profess your love for them. That means you will finally understand what love is. What you and her have isn't love at all. I didn't profess my love to my partner for well over a year - almost 2 years in fact. You have to know someone first before you tell them you love them.

No I took my time and got to know her for two months we met last weekend and everything was good and she said "I love you and care about you" and that was before I said anything. She just needs to get herself together but she sounded a lot better than the last few days though.

All of this drama after one meeting is suspect. "I love you and care about you" means nothing. You two don't really know each other. I'd still leave her alone.

The first year of teaching is very wild and crazy with the teacher learning more than the students! She has to be super organized, will be checked up on by the principal and more experienced teachers, has to work out a curriculum and plan each day's lessons, then grade papers, record grades, evaluate students holistically and rethink her teaching methods, and so much more. And depending on which grade she has and how long of a commute, she could be really stressed at this point and is looking forward to winter break (or whatever they call it).

Sooooooo, tossing a romantic relationship into the mix will cause her even more stress and upset. Like the others said, back off and let her devote her mind and time to her teaching.

The first year of teaching is very wild and crazy with the teacher learning more than the students! She has to be super organized, will be checked up on by the principal and more experienced teachers, has to work out a curriculum and plan each day's lessons, then grade papers, record grades, evaluate students holistically and rethink her teaching methods, and so much more. And depending on which grade she has and how long of a commute, she could be really stressed at this point and is looking forward to winter break (or whatever they call it).

Sooooooo, tossing a romantic relationship into the mix will cause her even more stress and upset. Like the others said, back off and let her devote her mind and time to her teaching.
I am doing that and letting her call me when she wants she teaches key stage 2 and gets home around 7pm sometimes she falls asleep she has just done their xmas reports and has parents evening tomorrow night. I said I will support her in anyway I can and we are due to meet up in between Christmas and New year but currently unsure about that !

We are just going to play this by ear so week to week it will be

Do you have a job?

Do you have a job?

Just made redundant over a month ago but she has been supportive through that time but I have a lot of interviews lined up which is good and she is happy that I'm doing stuff to improve my life.

Keep your reports to her about your job search and interviews lighthearted and casual -- look for the funny moments and don't burden her with tales of woe.

Keep your reports to her about your job search and interviews lighthearted and casual -- look for the funny moments and don't burden her with tales of woe.

Sure I'm hoping that when the winter break is around the corner things will pick up between me and her

Sure I'm hoping that when the winter break is around the corner things will pick up between me and her
She may want to spend holiday time catching up with her teacher duties with recording of grades, workbook grading, and getting ready to do report cards in January. She may have family responsibilities too with last-minute shopping, visiting relatives, and celebrating with family members. You may be the last item on her agenda.

She may want to spend holiday time catching up with her teacher duties with recording of grades, workbook grading, and getting ready to do report cards in January. She may have family responsibilities too with last-minute shopping, visiting relatives, and celebrating with family members. You may be the last item on her agenda. well she has no kids but we are aiming to meet up over Christmas but it might have to be January but I think it's only right that I help ride out the storm with her but do it low profile.

well she has no kids but we are aiming to meet up over Christmas but it might have to be January but I think it's only right that I help ride out the storm with her but do it low profile.
But she has parents, sibs, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and other relatives.

I'm not sure how you can "ride out the storm" with her. Be upbeat and fun and don't add to any stress she may be experiencing already.

But she has parents, sibs, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and other relatives.

I'm not sure how you can "ride out the storm" with her. Be upbeat and fun and don't add to any stress she may be experiencing already.
I'm been positive but I'm just going to be there for her like she has for me

Just my opinion, but if she was really feeling you, she would not put you on the back burner until the first of the year. You would be a relief for her. I don't understand this "I'm too stressed to deal with you" unless you have been a needy person with her.
I wish you well.

Just my opinion, but if she was really feeling you, she would not put you on the back burner until the first of the year. You would be a relief for her. I don't understand this "I'm too stressed to deal with you" unless you have been a needy person with her.
I wish you well. no I have not been needy we both agreed a while ago that if we can't meet at Christmas then we will meet in the new year ! One of the things she says to me is she needs to sort her life balance out between teaching and home life I think she is not aware of what her limit is she has told me she is finding it difficult to get a work life balance so I have suggested maybe she takes two nights in a week just to switch off and not do any work that might help her not feel so low .

I have suggested maybe she takes two nights in a week just to switch off and not do any work that might help her not feel so low .
When you are a first-year (new) teacher, you can't switch yourself off and ignore the work that needs to be done to prepare for the next school day(s) and to catch up with correcting and grading. At night, a new teacher DREAMS about students and school and can't turn her mind off regarding bulletin boards and handouts and tests/quizzes and always papers to correct. She can't walk out of the school building and leave it all behind her.

When you are a first-year (new) teacher, you can't switch yourself off and ignore the work that needs to be done to prepare for the next school day(s) and to catch up with correcting and grading. At night, a new teacher DREAMS about students and school and can't turn her mind off regarding bulletin boards and handouts and tests/quizzes and always papers to correct. She can't walk out of the school building and leave it all behind her. very true she is 22 and is amazing don't know how she is doing it

She is 22 does anyone think that emotional maturity come in to it ?

Maturity has nothing to do with the fact that she is a priority to you, and you are an option among other options, and priorities for her, and that means back off, and don't chase her at all. She will get around to you when she has time and isn't tired.

You need new priorities yourself, or a better social life. This isn't a relationship, just sometimes internet and text buddies.

She is 22 does anyone think that emotional maturity come in to it ?

I'm going to tell you that a first year teacher has no free time and if she's not 100% committed to her job! She won't get a chance for a second year. Wondergirl is right. We know! We've been there. We have papers to grade, meetings to attend, parents to conference with, classes and workshops to attend, mentor teachers to guide us, not including a classroom to maintain, gradebook to keep up, pacing plans to uphold. Need I mention that she has no idea what is coming up and how many kids she needs to help? I can go on and on, but the point is the same. Leave her alone. Jobs are hard to come by, and you being a problem is not going to sit well with her.

WG and teacherjenn are correct and I know because my wife was a first year teacher right at about the time we first met. She wanted to quit every day for many months, and she didn't have the burden of wondering if I would get a job on top of everything else. It was tough way back then and from what I see going on in education- it sure ain't any easier now.
I helped grade papers, sorted stuff, built shelves for her room,
tried to help her interpret policies and procedures, etc. Give her some support and time.

You haven't been "with her" for a couple months if you only met up once. She's backing off because she's not into it. She likes the attention, enjoys the drama (she sure creates enough of it!) but she doesn't want the relationship.

Believe me, if you were her version of Mr. Right, the distance would be overcome. And this first year teacher excuse is lame. Hey, we're all busy, all under pressure but if we value our relationships we work it out. She doesn't.

Sadly, you have no clue about first year teachers, dontknownuthin :(.

I know several first year teachers and a couple of first year residents. Yes that time is stressful and it takes a lot of time and energy, but I still think if she were really feeling you, you would be a relief for her. You were talking to her online. Things changed after she met you.
I'd back way off.

WG and teacherjenn are correct and I know because my wife was a first year teacher right at about the time we first met. She wanted to quit every day for many months, and she didn't have the burden of wondering if I would get a job on top of everything else. It was tough way back then and from what I see going on in education- it sure ain't any easier now.
I helped grade papers, sorted stuff, built shelves for her room,
tried to help her interpret policies and procedures, etc. Give her some support and time.

In what way can I support her ?

In what way can I support her ?
Don't call/text her; let her do the initiating when she has time. Let her make any moves.

Don't call/text her; let her do the initiating when she has time. Let her make any moves. am I allowed to text her good morning and wish her a good day

am I allowed to text her good morning and wish her a good day
It would annoy me, and she never replied to you about a break, so no.

It would annoy me, and she never replied to you about a break, so no.

Were you talking about a break in the relationship ?

Were you talking about a break in the relationship ?
She mentioned break and then you two never connected, despite an appointment to talk. I'd say you two are broken.

She mentioned break and then you two never connected, despite an appointment to talk. I'd say you two are broken.

Oh that was for calls and she agreed to the idea but I said we can be flexible on when the calls happen so like Monday and Tuesday of this week she is busy with preparing for parents evening which is tonight and helping with the school nativity play which she was told to do but she needs to say no but she likes to please everybody which is not good. Why she did not tell me this when we met it would have made life easier and could come to an arrangement instead of making things difficult.
Shall I tell her that there is no need for this drama and sort stuff out properly.
I was surprised to get a phone call of her on Monday lunchtime when we were not meant to call till weds

I think you need to leave her alone. IF she wants to call you she will. But I also would not be sitting around waiting. This is too much drama for a 3 month LD relationship. May be she was just trying to appease you by calling. I don't think she is in to you. This started after your meeting.

I don't think you understand about first-year teachers. They are expected to give their all, to do as much as they can. It's part of the "learn to be a teacher" thing. She's learns as much, or more, than her students do.

You had mentioned "the school nativity play which she was told to do but she needs to say no but she likes to please everybody." Why shouldn't she do her part in the school nativity play? It's not a matter of "pleasing everybody." When I taught school, ALL the teachers had a part to deal with (e.g., teaching songs, lining up the kids and keeping them quiet, making and helping them put on their costumes, combing hair, setting up the stage with props and background, etc.) so that the play would be an enjoyable experience for parents as well as students.

Leave her alone.

I don't think you understand about first-year teachers. They are expected to give their all, to do as much as they can. It's part of the "learn to be a teacher" thing. She's learns as much, or more, than her students do.

You had mentioned "the school nativity play which she was told to do but she needs to say no but she likes to please everybody." Why shouldn't she do her part in the school nativity play? It's not a matter of "pleasing everybody." When I taught school, ALL the teachers had a part to deal with (e.g., teaching songs, lining up the kids and keeping them quiet, making and helping them put on their costumes, combing hair, setting up the stage with props and background, etc.) so that the play would be an enjoyable experience for parents as well as students.

Leave her alone.

Okay I will let her get on with it I feel I need to be stronger here

She is the one who is causing this drama it needs to stop and she is aware of the impact its having on us

She is the one who is causing this drama and she is aware of the impact its having on us
Then YOU stop playing a role in her drama.

Its hard to accept the reality of the situation, but that's what life is about, making decisions based on facts and not just feelings. I don't see her in any position to pursue a romance or give her heart to a struggling unemployed guy. Focus on getting your own act together and see what happens.

Bad timing dude, it will be better later. For now though recognize its just not happening your way.

Okay I will let her get on with it I feel I need to be stronger here

She is the one who is causing this drama it needs to stop and she is aware of the impact its having on us

I think you are the one who is unaware.
They girl has no time for you in her life right now. Leave her alone.
Get your life together.

I think you should on Sunday and saturday's have a date and video chat when u can't see each other reletionships can be hard and she's stressed when she comes home from work make her dinner supprise her make it romatic hope it helps

I think you should on Sunday and saturday's have a date and video chat when u can't see each other reletionships can be hard and she's stressed when she comes home from work make her dinner supprise her make it romatic hope it helps
We are in a long distance relationship but I think we are looking at video calling at weekends

She iniated first contact with me this morning by text with a good morning greeting and wishing me a good day so that's not bad I suppose ?

How far away is she?

How far away is she? 2.5 hours

I don't see this going beyond electronic friendship any time soon, and you need to keep a eye on improving your real life, like with a job, friends, and activities. Friendly texts is not bad, but no reason to get false hope or high expectations. Bet she knows you can't afford to visit or date. She probably can't either.

I don't see this going beyond electronic friendship any time soon, and you need to keep a eye on improving your real life, like with a job, friends, and activities. Friendly texts is not bad, but no reason to get false hope or high expectations. Bet she knows you can't afford to visit or date. She probably can't either.
She is very understanding of my circumstances and she has been down this road herself so she gets how hard things can be but we have never let money or employment get in the way of our relationship and we met last weekend and we just kept it simple and we both really enjoyed it she is looking at coming down early in the new year or we are looking at meeting halfway but I'm very sensible with money and banked a lot whilst working so I have a lot of money to spare

You have never let money or employment get in the way of your relationship, but your relationship has ONLY been three months. In all honesty, 3 months isn't a relationship. Especially electronically.

You are holding on to false hope. She's really trying to let you down easy, but you keep reading more into this.

She has a busy life and a busy career. She doesn't have time for you, but you don't get that. What you DO need to get is a job and a life. A life without her in it. She clearly isn't as into you as you are her.

You have never let money or employment get in the way of your relationship, but your relationship has ONLY been three months. In all honesty, 3 months isn't a relationship. Especially electronically.
It started

You are holding on to false hope. She's really trying to let you down easy, but you keep reading more into this.

She has a busy life and a busy career. She doesn't have time for you, but you don't get that. What you DO need to get is a job and a life. A life without her in it. She clearly isn't as into you as you are her.
We just recently met each other and that was great she has just called me to see how I was and appreciates my support and understanding and she is still thinking about us meeting up over Christmas as she said it would be great to see each other
So we will just wait and see ! I thought if she did not like me she would have cut me of a few days after meeting me.
As for the employment side I have got a few interviews lined up so that part is coming together.

I'm a woman, I know how we think. She's being kind to you and trying to let you down easy.

Most of us women are all touchy-feely. We are all about emotions. She doesn't want to hurt you so she's pulling back in hopes that you will just move on without her having to tell you outright that she is not interested in furthering a relationship with you.


I thought if she did not like me she would have cut me of a few days after meeting me. Women don't think like that. Women don't want to hurt your feelings.

This has gone on for 5 pages now, or 50 posts. It's apparent to those of us on the outside that you are too needy. That's a major turn off to us women, especially career minded women.

Even if she likes you, its YOU who has put yourself on HOLD while she waits to see how her plans works out. And you have no plan for yourself. I would have a plan for myself. You need a plan for you that doesn't depend on HER.

Get around your friends and family if you can, and see about the rest later.

I'm a woman, I know how we think. She's being kind to you and trying to let you down easy.

Most of us women are all touchy-feely. We are all about emotions. She doesn't want to hurt you so she's pulling back in hopes that you will just move on without her having to tell you outright that she is not interested in furthering a relationship with you.

Women don't think like that. Women don't want to hurt your feelings.

This has gone on for 5 pages now, or 50 posts. It's apparent to those of us on the outside that you are too needy. That's a major turn off to us women, especially career minded women.
She was talking about distance and started to make that an issue but if you like or love someone distance does not matter I'm not going to contact her till she contacts me the problem is we have both invested a lot of emotional and physical time together she agrees and I said we should not waste what we have built and she can see that !
Another thing she said earlier this week is that she was thinking of taking a break but did not know what that means ?

She is a first year teacher but she is very confused stressed and tired and has admitted she is struggling to get a balance as this is new to her.
We are talking and just seeing how things go

You can always just keep talking while doing other things with other people. Why cut yourself out of what maybe other/better options and opportunities for fun, and romance? Way too soon to be stuck on maybe.

Take time and make an effort to look around your own world. Bet you are surprised at the things you could be doing for yourself while you wait to make sense of what you think you want. It will also keep your perspective clear and uncluttered by fear and worry about things you cannot control.

You have 3 months and I visit invested. That is not a lot of time. Take a break from each other. When her life calms down you'll see if there is something there. In the meantime, you explore life as well.

You can always just keep talking while doing other things with other people. Why cut yourself out of what maybe other/better options and opportunities for fun, and romance? Way too soon to be stuck on maybe.

Take time and make an effort to look around your own world. Bet you are surprised at the things you could be doing for yourself while you wait to make sense of what you think you want. It will also keep your perspective clear and uncluttered by fear and worry about things you cannot control.
Thanks for that I'm going to leave texting her and calling her till the weekend or till she calls but she has said to me that texting is okay and she will respond when she can so the good thing is there is a line of communication which is key


You have 3 months and I visit invested. That is not a lot of time. Take a break from each other. When her life calms down you'll see if there is something there. In the meantime, you explore life as well.
I'm looking at not contacting her till weekend or till she calls me but she does not mind texting though.
She was on about us taking a break but in her mind she was unsure what that meant but she has not said anymore about that as she is in a state of flux when she calls I might tell her forget me coming up in a few weeks arrange something for new year and just keep working together week by week and resolve our problems individually and together

Anyway I sent her a text this morning saying I don't want to add to her stresses and that I feel by giving time out till Friday will help us both and just want us to be happy and healthier together.

She sent a text saying morning but not asking how I am but it does not matter to be honest.

So I'm leaving it be till Friday Then what ever happens after that happens but think I have just made the right move for myself guys ?

No, WG, he doesn't.

No, WG, he doesn't.

Wg ?

Anyway I sent her a text this morning saying I don't want to add to her stresses and that I feel by giving time out till Friday will help us both and just want us to be happy and healthier together.

She sent a text saying morning but not asking how I am but it does not matter to be honest.

So I'm leaving it be till Friday Then what ever happens after that happens but think I have just made the right move for myself guys ?
So you are not going to contact her for 3 whole days? Time outs are for children.
Let her contact you.

So you are not going to contact her for 3 whole days? Time outs are for children.
Let her contact you.
No contact for 3 days I hope she does not look at what I'm doing in a negative way ?

When someone says they need a break, 3 days is nothing. Telling her you will not contact her till after Christmas and that you would leave the contacting up to her would have been giving her a real break.

When someone says they need a break, 3 days is nothing. Telling her you will not contact her till after Christmas and that you would leave the contacting up to her would have been giving her a real break.
Good point but I can't do much about it now can I ?

Yes you can. You can not contact her until after Christmas.

Yes you can. You can not contact her until after Christmas.

Do you think things would have calmed down by then? And despite me say timeout till Friday do I text her then and say let's extend this break till after Christmas and that she can contact me when she is ready ?

I say leave her alone. Let her contact you. If she has not heard from you Friday and contacts you, tell her you think you should just chill until after Christmas.

I say leave her alone. Let her contact you. If she has not heard from you Friday and contacts you, tell her you think you should just chill until after Christmas.
Okay but if she does not contact me on Friday then shall I leave it till she calls ? And won't that takw us further apart ? Or will she respond positively ?

If she is interested in you, she will contact you.

If she is interested in you, she will contact you.

I can see this is going to require time and patience ? But She needs to get her mind in the right place and I'm doing self improvement work but I know in my mind that I have not done anything serious . Anyway she is 22 I'm 27 I was reading something on the net where people say it can be tricky dating ladies in early 20"s ?

Okay but if she does not contact me on Friday then shall I leave it till she calls ? And won't that takw us further apart ? Or will she respond positively ?

She doesn't have time for you and to be honest you should be doing other things other than worrying about her, and what to do if she does or doesn't. I mean just reread the questions you pose to strangers who don't know either of you and certainly cannot read minds. They are desperate questions as if you are looking for a magic solution that gets you the girl.

There is no such thing, and what you really need is be cool, calm, and collected and in control of yourself, and give your emotional dust time to settle and look at this situation from a fresh healthier perspective.

If you are meant to be together you will be but for now its should be rather obvious now is not that time, and no amount of plotting planning or living in fear will change that. That's why everyone says leave her alone and see what happens next.

Its up to you to get control of yourself, your thoughts and actions and do so by brushing off your dignity and self respect. She has no time for you and has said so. So take the hint and back off. I suspect she has holiday plans and you need some too. Go get a date for New Years eve, or find a party somewhere.

If she cares about you as much as you think you care about her, she'll contact you. If she doesn't contact you that's a clear message.

Yes she's busy with her career, while you seem to be sitting at your computer or phone waiting for her to contact you. All these interviews you say you had, what's come of that? It seems from what you've written that the only thing you're concentrating on is a woman you met in person one time! One time!

You are needy, and you are clingy, and the sooner you realize that the better for your next relationship.

I'm a woman. I'm married now, but before then, if I was interested in a guy, if I wanted to be involved with a guy, I made time for him, no matter how busy I was. The fact that she isn't making time speaks volumes.

Women hate to tell a guy that they're just not interested. It's the nurturing part of our DNA. We rather let you off easy, let you figure it out for yourself. In other words, we're hoping that by not contacting you all the time, you'll get the hint that we don't want a relationship.

Everything she's done has shown she's not interested. Yes, she's busy with her career, but if she was really into you, she'd find the time for you.

She has just text me saying " hey we need to speak later" I have not contacted her for 3 days and she initiated contact with me so a good sign I think ?

She has just text me saying " hey we need to speak later" I have not contacted her for 3 days and she initiated contact with me so a good sign I think ?
My first thought would be, "Uh oh."

My first thought would be, "Uh oh." really I did explain why I was giving her sometime out hoping she might appreciate it

Let's hope for a positive outcome

"We need to speak" is never a good thing coming from a woman.

"We need to speak" is never a good thing coming from a woman.

How shall I handle this and I'm wondering if I can turn it around or suggest we take a break and chill till after Christmas

You may as well wait to hear what she has to say and then handle that. Whatever it is but my experience is that when guys don't take hints and act on impulse and stubbornness, the hints get strong.

I wish you luck, let us know.

QUOTE by talaniman;
You may as well wait to hear what she has to say and then handle that. Whatever it is but my experience is that when guys don't take hints and act on impulse and stubbornness, the hints get strong.

I had not contacted her since Wednesday morning and have left it three days with out contact and she text me this morning

Just listen and go from there. When is this talk supposed to take place? Where?

Just listen and go from there. When is this talk supposed to take place? Where?
No time has been arranged I did text her with what time shall I call you no response but it could either be via video call or voice call but she has said nothing since 8.20am

My friend. Are you really 27? You are acting like a love struck 17 year old. Stop being so desperate! I am a woman and from a woman's point of view you are turning me off! I can't imagine having a relationship with you.

Look, you've only known her 3 months LDR. 3 months doesn't a relationship make even in person. You've seen her ONCE in person for crying out loud.

For heavens sake boy! Be a man. Be as unavailable to her as she is to you.

What you seriously need to do is get a life of your own. Get off the computer, tablet, phone (whatever media you are using) and get out and get a job.

Strong women like her, and she is strong considering her age, education, and career, don't want or need someone so clingy and desperate. We want strong men who have an education and a career. We don't want men who smother us only 3 months into a LDR relationship.

She contacted you and said we need to talk. Let her contact you again when she wants to talk. You should not initiate contact at all.

Sometimes the best lessons are learned painfully.

Tal, does this remind you of a member we had a few years ago? I think he had Blue eyes,

Sometimes the best lessons are learned painfully.

I'm grateful for your help but let's not get negative there might be a good outcome she is a very loving and understanding person and she might not end things but we will see

You just don't get it do you? Or are you just naïve?

In woman speak "we need to talk" or "we need to speak" means... I have something to tell you that might hurt your feelings.

You just don't get it do you? Or are you just naïve?

In woman speak "we need to talk" or "we need to speak" means... I have something to tell you that might hurt your feelings.
I do get it but honestly people why always go negative she might of just had a really stressful week and she might just shut off as her way dealing with the stress. Why go into a relationship when there is a lot going on in her life ?

why always go negative she might of just had a really stressful week and she might just shut off as her way dealing with the stress. We aren't being negative, we are being realistic.

If you haven't read before, I am a woman. I know how a woman thinks. When we say we "need to talk/speak," that means we are going to say something that you won't like, or don't want to hear. It's just our way of communicating and letting you know that there is something on our mind about the dynamics of the relationship.


I do get it You don't get it.
Why go into a relationship when there is a lot going on in her life ? Three months isn't a relationship. Three months is the "getting to know you period," especially in a long distance relationship.

Its not negative to accept a female doesn't have time for you. It's realistic, and with one date and no future one set getting all excited is NOT realistic. Having a Plan B is.

Pinning all your time and resources on such a female is crazy. Not over a few texts.

Sorry I have not got back to you sooner but me and the girlfriend have just taken a break to chill.

I found out through her parent that the situation was more complex then what the girlfriend told me.

It appears that there has been family issues that have occurred over the past few years from legnthy parental separation whilst studying at both higher and further education then that was followed by several close bereavements and also she has not taken a break from education and then went straight to been a trainee teacher where the school is in special measures and she is not receiving the professional support necessary. She is only 21 and found out this is her first proper relationship so is a bit naïve so she the reason she is confused is that she is still making sense of the past few years, her job, personal life and so it has been agreed to give her the time to grow and once things are calmer then maybe try again. I was told that she has been quite ill and is crying for no reason and she feels it's impacting on her work as she only gets one shot at her teaching qualification.

So I'm only texting her and leaving the calling to her when thing's get better so I'm going to use this time to work on myself and see what happens

I don't want to be negative but do want to point out, we can't clear our lives and schedules for our relationships. If the expectation is that the relationship is on ice until everything is neatly tied up with a bow in our lives, it never happens. I believe a person who is new to a demanding job likely will be very busy . However, they will also find some time for a date if they want to go on the date. It sounds like she gave you do many crisis situations, there will be no end her store of excuses. I would stop texting and let her know, "if things change and you have time, give me a call".

So I'm only texting her
Doesn't that obligate her to respond? What if she doesn't text back?

Doesn't that obligate her to respond? What if she doesn't text back?

She can respond to texts when she wants to but she git a lot to cope with and this is her first proper relationship so I'm I'm just letting her respond when she is ready


I don't want to be negative but do want to point out, we can't clear our lives and schedules for our relationships. If the expectation is that the relationship is on ice until everything is neatly tied up with a bow in our lives, it never happens. I believe a person who is new to a demanding job likely will be very busy . However, they will also find some time for a date if they want to go on the date. It sounds like she gave you do many crisis situations, there will be no end her store of excuses. I would stop texting and let her know, "if things change and you have time, give me a call".
This is her first proper relationship so I said to her she can call me when thing's are a lot calmer in her life ! I'm just getting on with life and she can get back to me when she is in a better place mentally the fact that she is not sleeping and eating properly and crying for no reason suggest that something is not right she did say that she did not really want to do this but she feels it's not fair on me and needs to sort stuff out

If she is under stress, she does not need you texting her every either. Leave the woman alone. If she wants to talk or text you she will. I think you are taking this way too serious.
This is not a proper relationship, you've been talking and texting for 3 months and you met once. Is this your first relationship? Leave her alone.

You don't need to be texting her either. Leave the woman alone. If she wants to talk or text you she will. I think you are taking this way too serious.
Okay I think she probably will talk again she needs to get herself together and she is not in the right place at the moment

If her head isn't in the right place right now, don't add to her confusion by sending texts. Give her some time to recover and sort herself out without feeling obligated to respond to texts. You are starting to come off as stalkerish. If she were my daughter, and I do have a 20 year old daughter, I would have her number changed so that you couldn't contact her. Don't force her to take such drastic measures.

If her head isn't in the right place right now, don't add to her confusion by sending texts. Give her some time to recover and sort herself out without feeling obligated to respond to texts. You are starting to come off as stalkerish. If she were my daughter, and I do have a 20 year old daughter, I would have her number changed so that you couldn't contact her. Don't force her to take such drastic measures.
I left her a text yesterday morning just apologising for the night before and saying "If you want to chat once you are better and things are calmer for you thrn that be great and I'm always here for you"
I did not realise that there were deeper factors and plus her mum does protect her instead of letting her find out for herself she is a lovely girl but just needs to grow like all of us to be honest

Leave her alone! Stop stalking her.

You sound very much like the boy my daughters used to date. You know what happened? Her number got changed and he got slapped with a restraining order. That's not what you want? Is it? You ARE going down that path.

I left her a text yesterday morning just apologising for the night before and saying "If you want to chat once you are better and things are calmer for you thrn that be great and I'm always here for you"
I did not realise that there were deeper factors and plus her mum does protect her instead of letting her find out for herself she is a lovely girl but just needs to grow like all of us to be honest
You need to leave her alone. I think you are acting rather childish.

Cool, now leave her alone as obviously you have no clue what you are dealing with, or how to deal with it. Go about your own business and maybe more will be revealed later, or better yet, you will lose the obsession and gain a better understanding of this situation.

How dare you judge her and say what she needs to be doing, and you have yet to do for yourself. Don't mean to be harsh, but that kind of assumptive thinking is way beyond your control. The urge of wanting to help and pursue your attraction is what keeps you from seeing a bigger picture, and you do more harm than good for you both.

What mom with a dependent child would allow a stranger to influence their child's future adversely? Oh you say you care, but are NOT the one responsible for her. Mom is, and you have said your peace, now leave her alone.

You need to leave her alone. I think you are acting rather childish.
I have left her alone and it's down to her once she is in a better place things won't seem clouded as they are and time is a great healer too

If you are texting her everyday, you're not leaving her alone. Maybe in time you will see things more clearly. You are obsessed with this girl you have only seen once.

You haven't left her alone, you texted her yesterday.

Cool, now leave her alone as obviously you have no clue what you are dealing with, or how to deal with it. Go about your own business and maybe more will be revealed later, or better yet, you will lose the obsession and gain a better understanding of this situation.

How dare you judge her and say what she needs to be doing, and you have yet to do for yourself. Don't mean to be harsh, but that kind of assumptive thinking is way beyond your control. The urge of wanting to help and pursue your attraction is what keeps you from seeing a bigger picture, and you do more harm than good for you both.

What mom with a dependent child would allow a stranger to influence their child's future adversely? Oh you say you care, but are NOT the one responsible for her. Mom is, and you have said your peace, now leave her alone.

I'm not telling her what to do or think Iam infavour of people improving lives and making a difference too. So I was not telling her to give up her career and yes I probably got too involved too soon but it's fine I'm just doing what I need to do and letting her do her stuff thank you


You haven't left her alone, you texted her yesterday.
Since yesterday I have left her alone

If you are in favor of her improving her life like you say you are you will leave her alone. You will stop texting her.

Let her improve her life on her terms not yours.

If you are in favor of her improving her life like you say you are you will leave her alone. You will stop texting her.

Let her improve her life on her terms not yours.
The last time I texted her was yesterday morning to apologize that's all

Then don't text her anymore. Let her make the next move but don't expect to hear from her for a while, if ever. Get on with your life. Get busy and have fun with friends during the holidays.

Then don't text her anymore. Let her make the next move but don't expect to hear from her for a while, if ever. Get on with your life. Get busy and have fun with friends during the holidays.
You honestly don't think she come back

You honestly don't think she come back

I don't think she will. This all started after your meeting. She said she wanted to break it off and you would not leave her alone. You are obsessed with this girl and I would imagine you have freaked her out.

The reality is that this was an online relationship. You met in person once. You became obsessed with her to the point of scaring her. She has other issues in her life that are a higher priority than an online relationship. No, I don't think she will come back.

Take this as a learning experience to use in your next relationship. Don't be so needy... Make yourself more unavailable, and for goodness sake meet women in person, not online.

The reality is that this was an online relationship. You met in person once. You became obsessed with her to the point of scaring her. She has other issues in her life that are a higher priority than an online relationship. No, I don't think she will come back.

Take this as a learning experience to use in your next relationship. Don't be so needy... Make yourself more unavailable, and for goodness sake meet women in person, not online.

I think this was a case of right people just at the wrong time and maybe I should look around for others just in case she does not get back to me

Don't wait for her either - she's not interested. No girl gives a guy that many excuses if she has any interest at all. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings but doesn't want to date you either. Family issues, job issues, stress and so on and so forth - she covered every category of excuse and added a few more. She's NOT interested. Move on. Date other people.

And for future reference, know this - many, many people say the right things but they are just trying to be nice and bow out gracefully. Your job is to pay attention to their behavior. If you ask them out and they say they are busy, you can ask, "is there a better time for you?" If they don't come up with a better time, you have their answer - they aren't interested.

If they text back a fraction of the times that you text them, they are less interested than you.

If they tell you it's a bad time, chances are it will never be a good time. The reason - when things stink, but something good happens, like we get a great new job offer, or win the lottery or meet the perfect man or woman, we don't say, "Oh, well, my life sucks now so I am turning down everything positive that comes my way for the time being." Rather, we might say, "If you can bear with my work schedule, I'd love to see you".

Don't wait for her either - she's not interested. No girl gives a guy that many excuses if she has any interest at all. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings but doesn't want to date you either. Family issues, job issues, stress and so on and so forth - she covered every category of excuse and added a few more. She's NOT interested. Move on. Date other people.

And for future reference, know this - many, many people say the right things but they are just trying to be nice and bow out gracefully. Your job is to pay attention to their behavior. If you ask them out and they say they are busy, you can ask, "is there a better time for you?" If they don't come up with a better time, you have their answer - they aren't interested.

If they text back a fraction of the times that you text them, they are less interested than you.

If they tell you it's a bad time, chances are it will never be a good time. The reason - when things stink, but something good happens, like we get a great new job offer, or win the lottery or meet the perfect man or woman, we don't say, "Oh, well, my life sucks now so I am turning down everything positive that comes my way for the time being." Rather, we might say, "If you can bear with my work schedule, I'd love to see you".
Okay thank you for that apparently I was her first proper boyfriend which I did not realise because she told me she had been with a couple of guys.
Anyway she is 21 so she probably does not understand relationships? But all I have done is leave the communication open for her and she can contact as and she feels.

I'm already looking around I hope I'm not doing it too soon

I don't think you understand relationships either, otherwise you would have realized that she is just not in to you. It's good that you're looking around.

As long as expectations are reasonable and you are not just replacing the high hopes you had before with more high hopes of getting what you want. This female is not relationship material for sure at this time, for whatever reason. Not with you anyway.

Most encounters with the opposite sex or romantic partners are fun while they last, until it's not, and its time to heal, and move on. Let yourself heal from this disappointment.

talaniman is right. Get over this and don't get so intense right away.

talaniman is right. Get over this and don't get so intense right away.
To be honest we both got intense too soon and we all have issues and we need our own time and space to sort them out. The sad part for me was she is a decent sweet girl and very supportive too hopefully I will find that again in someone else or maybe her one day


As long as expectations are reasonable and you are not just replacing the high hopes you had before with more high hopes of getting what you want. This female is not relationship material for sure at this time, for whatever reason. Not with you anyway.

Most encounters with the opposite sex or romantic partners are fun while they last, until it's not, and its time to heal, and move on. Let yourself heal from this disappointment.
Why is she not girlfriend material with me ? What's the difference with other guys ?

The biggest is the distance, and her priorities. Even bigger is her mom's influence on those priorities. To many obstacles and issues to overcome. Bad timing, really bad.

The biggest is the distance, and her priorities. Even bigger is her mom's influence on those priorities. To many obstacles and issues to overcome. Bad timing, really bad.
Her mum is loverly and I enjoyed meeting her but she was texting her quite a bit when we met but my girlfriend said she does this on first dates despite hher been 21. She has been in some odd relationship s for example she met this guy who she did not feel comfortable with so she met him instead of taking het own car so if something happened she could leave quickly she called her mum to pick her up and I said to her did you not think of taking driving to the restaurant so you could leave with out any hassle she did not think about that .
I don't regret meeting her and how is the mother been an obstacle

In my experience when a female is not yet ready to cut ties with mom and seek her own path, there is nothing you can do. I have seen many mothers smile sweetly and are engaging and charming while they work against undo contact or influence of the guys that date their child.

You may think such an attitude is wrong, but I doubt you will change anything. There may be a million scenario to speculate on. What good would it do but make you defensive? This could be as simple as YOU having an unstable or uncertain future to risk HER future on getting too attached. Who knows.

It is what it is! Possibilities are ENDLESS, and for sure it's not working NOW! That's the bottom line, and the reality you must deal with.

If it makes you feel better to say this woman and her mother are flakes, so be it but leave her alone. If you continue to want to hang on, the problem could be you.

In my experience when a female is not yet ready to cut ties with mom and seek her own path, there is nothing you can do. I have seen many mothers smile sweetly and are engaging and charming while they work against undo contact or influence of the guys that date their child.

You may think such an attitude is wrong, but I doubt you will change anything. There may be a million scenario to speculate on. What good would it do but make you defensive? This could be as simple as YOU having an unstable or uncertain future to risk HER future on getting too attached. Who knows.

It is what it is! Possibilities are ENDLESS, and for sure it's not working NOW! That's the bottom line, and the reality you must deal with.

You raise some good points and the conversation was very friendly she said "she does not mind me texting her but just for the moment let the girlfriend grow" she is very concerned with her daughter's mental state and emotional well being! When I visted the girlfriend I was invited by her to go to her grans birthday party but I declined as I thought it was too much too soon the mother thought I did the right thing ! The call was unexpected as the girlfriend told her not to call me but she did. No the mother always used to ask my girlfriend how I'm doing.

I wish I said to the mother on the phone that if your did not want you to get involved then she is 21 and an adult and should abide by her daughter's wishes and that it's down to her daughter who she dates and no one else's

If it makes you feel better to say this woman and her mother are flakes, so be it but leave her alone. If you continue to want to hang on, the problem could be you.
I have never herd of that before and I said to the Mother that I will leave it until her daughter is a lot better mentally and emotionally so it's down to her

Generally, I've learned in my nearly fifty years that it takes a long time to get to know someone. A person can check all the boxes of what you think you want, and have great chemistry and still be totally wrong for you. All you can do is take your time. Don't think beyond the next date if you tend to get too attached too soon. If you do , you will be in love with your fantasy instead of the actual person you are dating, who yourself don't know yet.

If you see a character trait or habit you would not want in a spouse, don't go out again with the person. And let them have time, too. Don't be ready for a huge relationship within a couple dates. It's like you are still interviewing but don't have the job yet.

I work in divorce law as a paralegal , and it seems most people saw the flaw that lead to their divorce back in the early dating days . They blew it off. Someone not making time for you is a huge red flag . A common one, too. Some people catch the person they have been chasing, but that rarely leads to a good marriage.

Imagine the person will be just as they are now, only more so as they age. More immature , unavailable, abusive, irresponsible with money, dishonest, addicted, drunk... Or more caring, respectful, responsible, available, committed. Don't keep after someone who is already a disappointment .

I have never herd of that before and I said to the Mother that I will leave it until her daughter is a lot better mentally and emotionally so it's down to her

I don't think you have a clue to what is being said to you.

I don't think you have a clue to what is being said to you.

I do have a clue and that is to leave her be and sort her life and she can contact me as and when she is ready too

125 posts and you finally got it!

125 posts and you finally got it!
You know it has not been easy as she is such a loving caring and supportive lady and hoping that I will find someone similar and I'm sure we both within time look back at this as something minor and hopefully we can become friends but that is for another day

I went on an informal date yesterday which went very well. It was with someone I knew from college day's she mentioned about meeting again and said if I did not or just want to take my time I can.
After reflecting on it I have decided I just feel it's too much too soon and I realised that. So I'm just going to leave things till New Year and see what happens then.

Got plans for fun with friends for the holiday?

I'm spending Christmas with family and friends but me and the girl are slowly talking again via text but I received a text from her on Christmas Day wishing me merry Christmas. She has said maybe we can chat soon once the holidays are done but I'm not expecting much although our text conversations have been positive and she apologized for her mum calling me against her wishes but I'm going with the flow and I have said to her that it's down to her when she feels ready to call me and that's where I have left it just giving her time and space

Christmas is over get ready for the New Years Eve party.

You've "been together for 3 months " but "only met last weekend for the first time" How exactly does that work?

Yeah I have a couple of choices for new years eve so I think things are picking between me and the girl

She is not an option so pick yourself, and whatever else you can come up with. I have no doubt she will be enjoying herself no matter what you do!

Good news we have now spoken over the phone the conversation was positive and constructive and we laughed a lot. She is a lot happier now she is sorting life oout. It seems she wanted the loving and intermacy with me but because of what happened to her over the past few years she kind of got confused and panicked.

So all in all it went well and we are going to continue to talk more so it's a case of doing this in stages and we botb agreed to see what happens as we go along.
So she is going to call me once she has processed stuff we both said !