Hi,

I'm in university, and I have a friend who is worrying me. She is in a first year bio program, with hopes of going into med school. She has been working extremely hard to study and everything, which I find admirable, but I have always suspected her of being someone who doesn't handle stress very well...

She has gotten it into her head that to succeed in school, she has to devote almost every waking moment to studying. This may work for some people, but she has been isolating herself, and has seemed less and less happy with each of the few times I have gotten in touch with her. Her personality was gradually becoming more and more grim.

Finally, a couple of weeks ago, she crashed. She told me that she was having a hard time with school, despite her efforts, and was feeling like her life was worthless. I suspect she even had a few suicidal thoughts, based on some of the things she said, and I know she mentioned losing weight and not sleeping properly. After trying hard to help her, I was able to calm her down to come up with a plan for what she could do (involving talking to others about her problem, finding out about her options for her major, etc.).

She managed to return to a better mood for about a week or so, which I was glad to see. However, she has since gone back to the same work pattern as before, probably even worse. The last time I spoke to her was over Skype (she cancelled plans to go for a walk), and she had her textbook out. I was hesitant to say what I wanted to when she was still in study mode, but against my better judgement, I gave in when she kept pushing.

I told her that she should make sure to take a decent amount of time to let her mind and body relax between studying, and she became defensive, saying that school was her "job", and nothing else matters for the entire time she's at university. And when I told her I thought she was putting distance between me and others, she gave me a bunch of lines about how she isn't someone who needs friends, and that talking with other people upsets her (for some reason, our conversations have all turned towards rather depressing things for the past month or so, and yet it's not by my choice... ). I eventually just stopped and did what I could for damage control, as she was getting into more of a panic as she got upset.

Because its so close to the exam period anyway, I realize that it is best to let her continue going for now and leave her alone (This will also help me take some time for myself, as it is emotionally draining seeing her do this to herself).
However, is there anything I can do in the new term to get her to take some time to relax and find some side interests, as well as socialize (with anyone, not even with me necessarily)? Without risking pushing her further away into isolation? This is complex, but I'd appreciate any useful suggestions for things to try in January.

She truly believes all she has to worry about is maintaining her GPA at near perfect levels and getting into med school, but even if she somehow manages to survive 4 years as an undergraduate with nothing else on her mind but schoolwork, I honestly think she won't make it, as she'll lack the social skills for any such environment, and will have had no experiences whatsoever to help on her resume. It is her life, but I'm worried about her, and I don't want to see her put herself over the edge.

(Before you comment, this is not a girl who I foresee myself trying to date anytime soon, so don't make any accusations; I like her, but I'm not trying to manipulate her to just make time for me, I'm trying to see how I can help keep her from isolating herself and running herself into the ground.)

'It is her life, but I'm worried about her.. '
You have a clear grasp of that, I think. You aren't taking her on as your responsibility, or project; just trying to be a good friend.
What I would do is contact her about once a week to ask her to go out for a brief break - walk, coffee, lunch, on the spot or in an hour or two. Don't ask her how she is, and don't let her engage you in a long string of excuses or complaints. Just say that you are right in the middle of something, and ask again, can she go. If she says no, say OK and get off the phone. Keep doing this indefinitely. Be light and casual about it so that she doesn't get frustrated by something that smacks of persistence (even though it is - persistent friendship).
Hopefully that way she knows that you are there for her, but aren't going to take on her problems. Hopefully it will dawn on her someday to get her nose out of a book for an hour or two here and there.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/relationship-friend-770518.html

This seems to be the same girl. Is it?

No. That's why I ended this post the way I did - I didn't want to get the issues confused. That other girl worries me like this too, but not nearly enough for me to feel like I need to reach out - she can handle herself. As I said, I just want to make sure this other girl doesn't overwhelm herself.

I admire your concern, but getting too closely involved as a caring friend will not go over well. You can give advice, make suggestions, but she will do as she wants. Being a friend then means be there when she crashes, but sometimes you have to allow them to crash on their own, if that's what they want since obviously she hasn't learned from her past experience and will likely repeat the same thing again.

I would limit my emotional involvement or you will crash yourself over this. Right or wrong you have no control over what she does, or how she does it. I don't think it does either of you any good to make her difficulties your responsibility.

Because she is in the sciences, maybe explain how the brain works as far as absorbing information.

What it doesn't do, is accept cramming, so she is causing a lot of her own disappointment in studying so hard, and not getting the results she wants. As you wisely pointed out to her, there are methods to studying, and it involves a plan, and a method to follow out that plan.

The harder she tries, the less of a normal life she has (including eating, sleeping, and her health), and that too is the body rejecting how she is treating it.

It is all about learning how to effectively study, as part of her overall life. Not her studying as driving herself into the ground and her life falling apart. It is all the same picture, as a whole. You cannot take out one part, and expect all the other parts not to be negatively affected.

If she were an athlete- let's say a runner. She would only run, and run and run at any opportunity, dropping her health, friends, social life, sleep pattern, etc. Her legs would give out, she'd be unhealthy, exhausted, and depressed. That would not even get her a try out.

She would have to put her running into part of her routine, and into a part of her life. If she doesn't eat, sleep, socialize, etc. and only ran all day, every day, into exhaustion, she would never become a quality athlete, right?

It is the same with any major endeavor. The brain, is a muscle. It has everything you need to accomplish a goal, but it does not like to be abused. It will rebel, and the next thing you know, the more you push it, the worse your efforts get.

Clearly, you cannot expect it, to adapt to you. You have to adapt to what it is capable of doing. Wanting it to work harder under the extreme circumstances your friend is in, simply won't happen.

Thanks for the answers. Here's an update on what's happened:
The day after my friend and I had that talk on Skype, she texted me about 8:30 a.m. She's never tried to get hold of me that early. After some messages sent for small talk, she told me that she hadn't gotten any sleep the previous night, and ended up having some kind of epiphany about our friendship that she wanted to talk about at some point. In addition to that, she has gotten back on Facebook (which she had left while pushing people away), and even went so far to ask if she could use a picture I took as her cover photo. Plus, she has been a bit more receptive to me communicating - even getting hold of me instead of vice versa for a change - and has told me that she has accepted she's not going to get any incredible marks this semester (although she still seems to be putting a huge amount of effort into studying).

So all in all, I'm much less worried about her at the moment. If anyone has any advice on how to approach her about the "epiphany" she had, I would appreciate it (just so I can find out how she is doing without pushing too hard; it did seem like she was reaching out a bit this week after skyping). However, I think that I can at least leave her to her studies for now, and just check up on things again in the new term.

Again, thanks for the advice. And Jake2008, I will definitely use the information you gave me if we end up talking anytime soon, I think the way you described it is worded exactly the way she would respond to.