My wife left me weeks ago on Tuesday. Left a note when I come from work said she didn't love me no more, its not you its me that old cliché. I've changed. Said she would be in touch. Haven't heard from her yet.

We have been together 12 years, the last 8 years married. Her father has recently passed away after a long battle with cancer of the liver due to alcoholism. And she has been distant and not affectionate as she used to be. I put this down to her dads illness and sad death. The same day she left my brother in law from my side of the family sadly died of a brain anurism. Which I'm heart broken about as well.

We had such a happy wonderful loving relationship me and my wife allways there for each other. Always full of love and affection. We have our fair share of problems over the years. My wife has endometriosis, women's problems which she is still being treated for, and has a bowel condition in which she wears a stoma bag. I've been there through those times and cared and looked after her with all my love. She is the only women I've ever loved. I always thought we were meant for each other. She is my life and soulmate. I struggle with every day life. I've just gone back to work. I'm just a lost lonely empty soul. I just wish she would realise what she lost and come back. She said in the note she's unhappy. Now what other man would have loved and cared for her as I have at the time of her illnesses? I love her so much without her I'm nothing.

I want to get in touch but I'm scared of losing her after 12 years. I hope she doesn't think I'm not bothered about her because I haven't been in touch. What should I do?

Please help me marc

Very sad. I'm sorry you are going through this painful, heartbreaking time.

Many have been in the place where you are now, essentially wondering what the reason for her leaving could possibly be.

Being unhappy, isn't a reason to end a relationship, particularly if the unhappiness is caused by the hardship of dealing with the death(s) of family members. That is where solid couples rely on each other, to get through the hard times.

A reason of medical problems, doesn't cut it either. Her medical problems didn't cause the end of the relationship over the years, why would it now.

What you are doing is looking for reasons to justify such a huge departure from expectations. I'm sure you expected, after all you've been through together, that any and all problems could have been dealt with, within the marriage.

So what does that leave you with.

If she had serious issues you weren't aware of, and, being human, maybe missed a few clues, that would most likely be obvious to you now. I don't hear you saying that the two of you never talked, or were always fighting, or financial problems caused great stress. Nothing you've said, or not said, doesn't end up with 'the answer'.

Could there be another man in the picture?

If there are children in this marriage, did she take the children with her?

My advice is for you to contact her. It's clear by now that she has had time to get herself together, and at least have some grip on what she has planned for her future, if that wasn't already done long before it happened.

If you have her phone number, give her a call, and ask to meet her in a neutral place- a quiet place where you can talk. If you don't have a phone number, send her an email, or text, asking to meet with her.

It is important for many reasons, one being that you need to know where you stand so that you can begin to think about protecting your assets. Sometimes being blindsided like this also means you check your banking, and the accounts are empty. Protect yourself.

Please post again with how you're doing.

If I were you, I would focus on handling your business before you get to whether its time to mourn your losses.

For whatever reason she has chosen this course of actions, you still have YOUR own wellbeing to think about. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst is difficult to understand, and inadequate advice to even give to a hurting person who may not be ready yet to even accept the situation, let alone deal with it.

At least you have something to focus on as things play out in time. More will be revealed later, when she is ready, and waiting is the hard part. Bottom line have a plan B, just in case A doesn't work. Put yourself first in both plans. Take a while to consider this while you wait for her to be ready about her plans.

Sorry for your situation, good luck.

I too think it's OK to contact her (despite the usual advice to the contrary). She's your wife, and you've been together a long time. But mainly I have a feeling that the loss of her father has brought out a lot of mixed feelings in her, very common when the person lost wasn't anywhere near an ideal parent. Grief loses out to guilt over having wished the person dead, or feeling like a cause of the death by 'not being there' for the person. Then guilt brings out anger, and that leads to more guilt...

Only you and she know how much of a door was left open for her to talk about all that, and she may have no idea how to express it. She may not even be aware of what she feels. AND I could be totally wrong.

Yes of course there could be another man, but the timing with her father's death is so coincidental that I don't think it's that.

I'd ask her (if you know how to contact her) if you can just sit and listen to her talk about her dad. Put your BIL on the back burner for now. A parent gets first attention.