PDA

View Full Version : Friends and borrowing money


jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 11:27 AM
Hello, I have an issue with my friend and I need advice. I'm going to discuss in detail the issue and I apologize in advance for the length. Any help is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

My friend, Sasha, is in a financial bind and I have helped her out the past 6 months by loaning her money. The first time she borrowed, she told me she will give me the money back in a month. I told her no problem. After two months, I asked her about the loan and she asked if she can pay me back in a month. I said OK. She sent me a check to pay for her loan and I deposited it in the bank. We met for coffee two weeks later and she mentioned that when the check she wrote me went through it created a negative balance on her account and she ended up having $200 in NSF fees. I felt bad for her but at the same time I don't think I'm responsible for her financial issues.

Two months later, on a trip, she didn't have cash and she asked to borrow cash from me and she said she will write me a check and give it to me before the trip ends. I said OK. The night before the end of the trip, I reminded her to give me the check before I board the plane. She did not. So when I got home I asked her about it and said she'll mail it to me when she's in Seattle (she has a 2 week stay there) and I said OK. After a month, and she's already home in NY, I asked her when she mailed the check because I still don't have it. She said she'll mail me the check as soon as the payment for the car she sold clears and it just cleared that day. I said OK. A week later, I got the check. Thinking of the last time I cashed her check that created NSF issue for her, I sent her a text letting her know I got the check and if it's OK to cash it or does she need me to hold off. I asked because I want to give her a heads up that I am cashing the check and also to help her avoid fees if for some reason by the time I got the check she doesn't have enough funds on her account. My intent was to be considerate.

She got mad at me. She said after constantly asking about the check, how dare I ask her if I should cash it. She said that I made her feel like a loser, a bum and a worthless person. I was shocked! I explained to her that that was so not my intent at all and I apologized for unintentionally hurting her feelings. She went on and on about how lousy of a friend I am and how passive aggressive I am and how I create drama. At that point I told her again how sorry I am and that it was not my intent to hurt her feelings as I was trying to help her. She said she's irritated with me and doesn't want to talk to me.

At this point I just left her alone and I figured that she will eventually calm down and start talking to me again. However, she's been posting negative stuff about me in social media and telling friends how lousy of a friend I am.

Not sure what to do now. Am I wrong in this situation? Should I try to apologize some more until she forgives me? So confused and need help.

Thank you!

talaniman
Nov 19, 2013, 11:39 AM
I would have simply cashed the check and left her alone. But since now she is hurt and defensive, leave her alone. Some needy friend, huh? The signs were very clear she was unreliable and handles her business, and friendships sloppily.

Cut your loses and no better next time and do better looking out for yourself. I would give her no response unless its direct to you.

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 11:54 AM
I would have simply cashed the check and left her alone. But since now she is hurt and defensive, leave her alone. Some needy friend, huh? The signs were very clear she was unreliable and handles her business, and friendships sloppily.

Cut your loses and no better next time and do better looking out for yourself. I would give her no response unless its direct to you.

Thanks for the response. I would have simply cashed the check (like what I did the first time) if she did not make it a point to let me know that when I cashed the check she gave me before it created fees for her. I thought that she would appreciate a heads up this time around. I guess I was wrong.

I am leaving her alone as I think I already did all I could. I explained my intent and apologized for hurting her feelings. I think that's all I can do on my end. I did learn my lesson though, I'm never lending her money again...

Oliver2011
Nov 19, 2013, 11:57 AM
It is so cool how life teaches us all kinds of lessons.

DON'T lend money!

It is a dumb move and can really put a negative wedge into a friendship. Plus you are enabling her to be bad with her own finances.

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 12:04 PM
It is so cool how life teaches us all kinds of lessons.

DON'T lend money!

It is a dumb move and can really put a negative wedge into a friendship. Plus you are enabling her to be bad with her own finances.

Yes, I agree. I usually do not lend money, especially to friends, because it does create issues like this. However, the first time she borrowed she was desperate and in major need and I felt bad. The second time, we were on a trip and I was trying to avoid the awkward scenario of turning her down and spending the rest of the time with her.

After this though, there is no way I'm going to extend her any financial help. It's just not worth it.

joypulv
Nov 19, 2013, 12:23 PM
Delicate question, considering you were on a trip together: are you buds, lovers, co-workers who were on business together?

People who get angry at the people they borrow from often get mired in resentment over their own financial bind and who's responsible for it, plus they feel guilty over borrowing, and so take it out on the lender.

I would cool it. Maybe even unfriend for a while. You can make up later.

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 12:34 PM
Delicate question, considering you were on a trip together: are you buds, lovers, co-workers who were on business together?

People who get angry at the people they borrow from often get mired in resentment over their own financial bind and who's responsible for it, plus they feel guilty over borrowing, and so take it out on the lender.

I would cool it. Maybe even unfriend for a while. You can make up later.

We're just friends who like to travel together because we like to do the same things. We usually avoid dealing with financial stuff in our friendship because we both agreed that it makes things complicated. So when she came to me the first time to borrow money, I knew she really needed it. The second time,on the other hand, I lent money to avoid awkwardness during the trip.

I figured leaving the issue and her alone for now would be best for both of us. I was just second guessing my decision in case I really messed up. I'm glad to see that leaving her alone sounds like a good call for now.

Oliver2011
Nov 19, 2013, 12:40 PM
Traveling without money. How does that work exactly?

DON'T lend money!

That way you will be teaching her fiscal responsibility.

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 12:50 PM
Traveling without money. How does that work exactly?

DON'T lend money!

That way you will be teaching her fiscal responsibility.

Thank you :) Yes! No more lending money. Learned my lesson.

I don't like asking friends about their finances and so I didn't know that she was in a bind until she started borrowing money from me. The trip was scheduled before she initially asked to borrow money so I didn't know how she was financially when we were planning the trip. After she mentioned the NSF fees, I even asked if she can still go and she said she's all good. During the trip, I found out, she was totally dependent on credit cards so when we attended an event that was cash only, she had to borrow money from me.

I hate to pry on friend's finances so yeah lesson learned... no lending money.. ever! :)

smearcase
Nov 19, 2013, 02:35 PM
Probably best to not go on trips with her either. You can expect this type of person to have their credit card denied also. You can say now that you won't lend her money but when she is in a bind among strangers, you will probably throw in the towel.
She doesn't respect you, obviously. Find more reliable, considerate friends.

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 04:01 PM
Probably best to not go on trips with her either. You can expect this type of person to have their credit card denied also. You can say now that you won't lend her money but when she is in a bind among strangers, you will probably throw in the towel.
She doesn't respect you, obviously. Find more reliable, considerate friends.

Where we are at right now, I don't think that taking trips together will be an option any time soon. But you are right, I will probably budge when she starts begging to have me loan her money and I will feel guilty if I say no then it will ruin my trip too. Sigh. Money and friendship should really not mix.

dontknownuthin
Nov 19, 2013, 05:40 PM
She sounds immature and dishonest, vindictive and selfish. If you see more on social media, respond by saying, "please stop posting about me or I will have to post my side if the story"

She's not a friend... be done with her.

And in future, don't ever lend anything you aren't willing and able to give. If the person tries to repay you, accept graciously. If they don't, consider it a gift. Don't tell anyone how much you earn, then you can easily say "I can't afford to give it to you".

jaidjen
Nov 19, 2013, 06:22 PM
She sounds immature and dishonest, vindictive and selfish. If you see more on social media, respond by saying, "please stop posting about me or I will have to post my side if the story"

She's not a friend... be done with her.

And in future, don't ever lend anything you aren't willing and able to give. If the person tries to repay you, accept graciously. If they don't, consider it a gift. Don't tell anyone how much you earn, then you can easily say "I can't afford to give it to you".

Thank you! Right now I logged off social media so I don't see anything. I need a time out from her and our friendship.

I wish she didn't know how much I make. I didn't tell her but she figured it out when she found out where I work and what I do. Since then, she sometimes blurts out words like "but you make so much more money than I do" whenever we talk about whose turn it is to pay for dinner (we used to take turns paying). I really do not like to argue and we did get along so I just pay for the dinner. I started minimizing dinner plans after that because I really don't want to be stuck with the tab all the time. I like her company and she's my friend but I do not have a money tree in my backyard. I do work for a living!

I'm done with lending money to a friend (or anybody). I lent her money because she was a friend in need. However, my efforts to help out backfired. I was trying to be considerate and now I'm the bad guy in her (and whoever believes her stories) eyes.

Just not worth it.