Hello, I think my husband could be gay, but I'm not sure. If I could get some advice on what I should do, or if I even have evidence, that would be great.
Things he does:
•He talks constantly about one particular male friend.
•He becomes a little obsessed with their interests.
•He was describing a male waiter and he said "you know, the hot one" and instantly stopped and reworded once he realized what he said.
•He always makes comments on the appearance of many men he sees.
•He doesn't have any women friends, and he doesn't like any of mine.
•he thinks it's funny men making fun of sex that leans toward being gay.
•he likes to be alone with his male friends and gets upset if their girlfriend show up.

There's other similar things he does that make me question him. But then he does things that make me question myself. Like he gets turned on seeing me naked, he watches regular porn. And he gets off when we have sex.

I have been with him for 9 years, and married almost 2. I've already asked him before if he was and he cried and asked me how I could think that. But didn't give me an answer. I love him very much, and felt so guilty about asking that I can't bring myself to ask again. It's so upsetting that it took a long time for him to eventually marry me, and he refuses to wear wedding ring. I'm hurt, and I want to know if I'm being paranoid or selfish, or if I'm on to something. Thanks for any help.

Sounds more closet Bi than fully gay.
Especially from your own comments


Like he gets turned on seeing me naked, he watches regular porn. And he gets off when we have sex.

Does he cheat on you? Do you suspect him of cheating? Do you have a healthy relationship, a healthy sex life? It sounds like you do based on what you said.

You asked him point blank and he said he's not. How are you two married if you don't trust what he says?

Could he be gay? Sure he could. It's possible. But based on what you've posted I don't see where you're coming up with that "diagnosis".

Either you trust your husband and you stop obsessing about what you feel are gay qualities, and build a relationship with him, or you continue dissecting everything he does, says, who he hangs out with, etc. and end up divorced because you don't fully trust him.

I would recommend counseling for both of you.

Bottom line, only one person knows whether your husband is gay, and that's your husband.

Gay, straight, bi, not all of 'sexual preference' is etched in stone, nor does it necessarily encompass just sex. The variety is infinite.
I could start a list of possibilities for him that would take me all day to finish.
I think in his case (from what you write anyway, which is all we have to go on) I would start with a fascination based on a touch of envy. Sometimes people ingratiate themselves to someone who they feel has better attributes than they do. It's a healthy way to curb insecurity.
It can also be based on what we see growing up - maybe his father was a 'man's man' and hung out with male friends who all expected women to stay home with the children and be content with domestic chores. There was a lot of that for thousands of years of human history, going off for weeks to hunt, or years to fight, and now all of a sudden we think men are gay if they so much as go off on a 2 day trip with male only friends.
But who knows? That's just the beginning of all that could be.

Gay, straight, bi, not all of 'sexual preference' is etched in stone, nor does it necessarily encompass just sex. The variety is infinite.
I could start a list of possibilities for him that would take me all day to finish.
I think in his case (from what you write anyway, which is all we have to go on) I would start with a fascination based on a touch of envy. Sometimes people ingratiate themselves to someone who they feel has better attributes than they do. It's a healthy way to curb insecurity.
It can also be based on what we see growing up - maybe his father was a 'man's man' and hung out with male friends who all expected women to stay home with the children and be content with domestic chores. There was a lot of that for thousands of years of human history, going off for weeks to hunt, or years to fight, and now all of a sudden we think men are gay if they so much as go off on a 2 day trip with male only friends.
But who knows? That's just the beginning of all that could be.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to joypulv again.

Wow I really like that answer. I tried to give you a greenie but I failed at it.

I would also add...

"•He doesn't have any women friends, and he doesn't like any of mine." - Last I checked that wasn't one of the qualifications or requirements to being gay.

"Sounds more closet Bi than fully gay." - That sentence always cracks me up.

Are you happy? Do you have a good marriage? If the answer to those questions is yes and he's not cheating, then where is the problem?

Why is it people assume when a man makes a comment about another man's looks he is gay? Women do that all the time and that does not make them gay.

I see nothing you mention that say he is attracted to men. If you substitute the genders it would not be thought of as being gay.

Maybe he is BI, maybe he is gay, and maybe he is straight to be honest he is the only one that can answer that. I would look at the marriage and see how that is. Is he faithful? Is he good to you? Do you love him and he love you? You could also open up to him with dialogue without accusing him of being gay. Let him know your feelings on this. Ask him what he thinks. Listen and talk.

Why is it people assume when a man makes a comment about another man's looks he is gay? Women do that all the time and that does not make them gay.

I see nothing you mention that say he is attracted to men. If you substitute the genders it would not be thought of as being gay.

Maybe he is BI, maybe he is gay, and maybe he is straight to be honest he is the only one that can answer that. I would look at the marriage and see how that is. Is he faithful? Is he good to you? Do you love him and he love you? You could also open up to him with dialogue without accusing him of being gay. Let him know your feelings on this. Ask him what he thinks. Listen and talk.

Amen to all of the above!

Thank you for all of your answers! It's helped out in giving me a different perspective of things. It's really hard to describe what's going on without writing a novel! Lol and if I feel like that then there's a lot of other things going on in our relationship. Whether he is or isn't, I guess we still have other issues and is just going to have to talk it out. Thanks again to everyone!

Wait - don't go yet.
Many of us tend to latch onto something concrete (he's gay) when a situation is complicated (our relationship is dying).
E.g. perhaps you are feeling unappreciated, undesirable, neglected both in time and attention?
If that is true, tell us about it.

Well, the reason I asked on here before speaking to my husband was because I tend to analyze things too much. And I don't really know much about being homosexual so I thought maybe on here I could get unbiased advice.
Yes I do feel unappreciated and I try everything in my power to keep this relationship going. I feel like I have been giving my all in this marriage, and I don't feel the same is coming from him. I know I can be a little hard to live with sometimes but nobody is perfect. I have accepted his faults to a point. But this is already the 3rd time I felt he could be gay and I was starting to worry that I was right. I'm just confused as to why he gives more attention to his friends than he does me. It's always one type of friend that he does it with too. I mean the same type of personality/appearance, so it made me think he might be attracted to those qualities that I can't give him.

"But this is already the 3rd time I felt he could be gay" - WRONG. You have always felt he might be gay from the first time you thought he might be gay. Be honest.

I have experience with gayness since I am in fact gay. I was married for a long time and have two wonderful boys from my marriage. My ex wife knows all about me and remains a really good friend.

Regardless if he is gay or you are reading too much into it, your marriage has issues which both of you need to deal with if your marriage is going to remain a relationship. If your husband is gay and is repressing his emotions/feelings about being gay, there are significant dangers that can/may occur surrounding that. If you are reading too much into your husband's behaviors and he's not gay, well then you are doing your relationship no good. Either way you need to get things fixed.

I totally agree Oliver. If he was gay, honestly, I would accept him for who he is. He's my best friend. Unfortunately, I get a little mad at the thought that he might be hiding it from me. I have given him 9 years of my life, and I deserve to be happy as much as I try to make him happy. We started dating at 18, and have been with each other almost everyday since day 1. Hes loyal, and always tells me that He will never leave me. But, he's a VERY shy man and he's always saying how he doesn't communicate very well. So, I think if he hasn't accepted it himself then he's going to have a hard time expressing it to me. No matter how understanding I am. Idk, I'm just very confused. I know I'm thinking way too much into everything.

I totally agree Oliver. If he was gay, honestly, I would accept him for who he is. He's my best friend. Unfortunately, I get a little mad at the thought that he might be hiding it from me. I have given him 9 years of my life, and I deserve to be happy as much as I try to make him happy. We started dating at 18, and have been with each other almost everyday since day 1. Hes loyal, and always tells me that He will never leave me. But, he's a VERY shy man and he's always saying how he doesn't communicate very well. So, I think if he hasn't accepted it himself then he's going to have a hard time expressing it to me. No matter how understanding I am. Idk, I'm just very confused. I know I'm thinking way too much into everything.

"If he was gay, honestly, I would accept him for who he is." - If he is not ready to deal with it there's no way he would be ready to share it with you. Some guys are never ready to deal with it. For those of us who grew up playing sports, being masculine, cussing, scratching, and spitting, dealing with accepting yourself as gay is truly, truly one of the most difficult things that we will ever have to face. I have been there. But again repression is not healthy. So if he is repressing and it isn't healthy, then it won't be healthy in your relationship.

"Unfortunately, I get a little mad at the thought that he might be hiding it from me." Everything you are feeling is totally understandable. This is a very difficult issue for a couple to deal with. I still remember my ex-wife's tears when I told her.

So, what should I do then? Should I approach him again? Keep ignoring it until he comes out, if he is? I'm scared if I approach him again about it and I'm wrong, it'll be the end of us, and I don't want that.

Well you have no proof of him being gay but you do have issues in your marriage that you want to be improved. So I vote for leaving the gay thing out of the conversation and dealing with the other issues. See where it leads to.

I too vote for leaving it out.
What right do we have to keep hammering at someone who denies something if we don't have proof? What if you really are wrong and analyze too much? What if he is at a stage where he can't even admit it to himself, much less you? What's the point of this approach?

Tell him that you feel neglected and why - he seems to prefer the company of men, certain men. Good couple communication isn't accusations. It's what you feel is lacking.

Well you have no proof of him being gay but you do have issues in your marriage that you want to be improved. So I vote for leaving the gay thing out of the conversation and dealing with the other issues. See where it leads to.

I totally concur with this great suggestion. We all have times with our mates we feel neglected and taken for granted and just not happy. I don't think that's fair since being happy starts with being happy with yourself and the way you treat yourself every day.

I mean nobody feels great all the time and its highly possible you have latched onto this gay idea because you resent him for doing his thing his way, and enjoying it without you. It's an easy thing to fall into when you are looking for reasons you aren't happy and our mate is the easiest target we can find.

That's why its important that you look at yourself first, at your own life hopes and dreams and see if it's something you should be doing to make yourself feel better before you unload it on your mate, who may not have a clue that you are so unhappy, or why. The fact you have been together everyday for 9 years may be an indication you may not be doing YOUR thing to the utmost, and enjoying what you do.

Just give it some serious thought, because to share happiness you must first BE happy, or know the reason why exactly, so it can be addressed properly. I don't think it's a healthy thing at all to be waiting for him to confess he is gay and worry why he won't when he may NOT be. That's a distraction you don't need.

So what else is going on in your life that may have nothing to do with the marriage? No kids? Money or job concerns?

Recent life changing events? What?

I've decided not to ask him anything about being gay. The way he is as a person, makes me think he wouldn't claim it even if he was. I know there are other things in our relationship that have been not going so great that are maybe driving him towards not wanting to be around me as much. And making me cling to the thought he could be attracted to others. We have no kids (not sure if I'm fertile) so I feel inadequate in that dept, and maybe he gets tired of me being depressed about it. I take care of my physical appearance, but I do admit I have a lot of insecurities about myself. I'm paranoid that I'm narcissistic sometimes, so I put all of his needs before mine but in the end I feel neglected. I currently don't work, only because he wanted me to stay home and take care of our home. Which is fine, but it drives me nuts when I'm alone too much. My friends don't really call me a lot since I can't spend money to go out and he likes me to stay home. It really bothers me that he doesn't wear his wedding ring ever. He says it doesn't feel right on his hand, but expects me to wear mine. Idk, that's just the problems that I can think of off the top of my head. Either way, I've had numerous conversations about these problems with him in the past, and every time he says he doesn't know what to say and ignores it. I don't know how to talk to him about these things very well I guess. Or he's just happy I do everything for him and doesn't care how I feel?

Goodness! Get a quick dose of self sufficiency going here!
Don't wear your ring if he won't wear his, unless you want to.
Go back out and get a job. You don't need permission, for pity's sake. No kids? WHY does he seem to think you have to stay home? It's not like you are beating laundry on the rocks a mile down at the creek and growing your own food.
That's just for starters.
Oh, and start the long process of looking into adoption, even if you don't do it.
You need a life of your own! While married, a life!

No wonder you aren't happy. You are a slave to his wants and need. His sexuality is nothing compared to him being your master. You don't need his permission to have a life that you enjoy without him.

Yeah, I think I'm just going to reevaluate my own life and see where that takes us. Thank you joypulv for getting me to talk things out with everyone. It's helped out a bunch! And talaniman also! :)