It's taken me a while to work up the courage to do this, but I'm feeling desperately in need of help as time progresses.

I dated a boy in high school for about 3 years and we ended up moving in together after high school. But about two weeks before we left home I cheated on him at a party. It wasn't just a random, unexpected occurrence; I had been feeling unsatisfied in the relationship for a while. I was just too weak to end it, to lose my best friend. Although the cheating didn't stop there, I still moved in with him.

Looking back on everything I feel so disgusting and worthless about what I did to my boyfriend. It just fuels that deeply rooted self-hatred I have always held dear to me. This self worth deficiency manifests itself mostly in the desire to receive attention from other men, which often leads me to want more from them. It's a vicious cycle that I'm well aware of and trying my best to break. I just don't know how.

I'm 21 now and I'm with a guy whom I'm very much in love with, who I could see myself sharing a life with. I've been faithful to him and honest about my past infidelity from the beginning (before we even started dating). He knows everything. Although I had a hard time being completely open with him about the desire for attention from other guys. So now he has no trust for me whatsoever. He thinks I'm going to cheat on him if I haven't already. I'm trying to reassure him that I'm done with that lifestyle; I'm trying to find more positive ways to deal with myself worth deficiency and depression. There just is no getting through to him. He thinks I have no control over whether I cheat.

Currently we're both stuck in this state of constant bickering back and forth about his fears and my reassurances and it's preventing me from making progress internally altogether. I don't want to lose this wonderful person from my life, I just don't know how to build up our trust again. I feel stuck.

If you have managed to break this cycle of needing men for attention, I don't see why you have decided to share this information in the first place. (with him)

How long have you been involved with this man you are with now.

You sound sincere and honest, but I think the honesty was beginning to sound like you were talking to your therapist. If I were your current boyfriend, I too would wonder whether you could be trusted not to cheat.

Are you worried about falling back into old habits? What have you done, or learned about not needing to resort to that behavior.

It sounds like your past insecurity is creeping forward, but not all of it. You're doing what you're doing to show that you were that person, and not that person any longer, but this big confession of the old you, may very well have tainted the person that you are now.

I wouldn't personally explain all the angst of my life, and what I did that I later regretted. Instead of something positive shared with your new man, it becomes a wedge of confusion and likely fear from him that history will repeat itself.

I just don't know if you are, in a way protecting yourself by sharing this information, knowing that it's likely to push him away? Or it was really a simple honest explanation of who you were.

Either way, the former is destructive and the latter is just a mistake in judgment. Your history only belongs to you. Honesty in the present, and the future is what will count toward success in any relationship, particularly because you have changed, and are no longer the person of the past.

Thank you for responding so quickly!

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. I told him everything from the get-go because I've always felt the need to be completely honest about these things. I wanted him to know from the beginning so if anything came out later - after my feelings for him had grown - he wouldn't freak out and accuse me of being dishonest. Maybe I should not have shared such details with him, but when he asks I feel the need to respond.

Also, I'd say I've gotten over the 'need' for attention from other guys, but I still find myself wondering about it. Wanting others to pay attention to me, although I'm no actively seeking it out by being flirty etc. I find myself day dreaming about receiving attention, which is what I want to stop altogether. I'm worried that if I get that attention, I'll find myself becoming interested in another guy, which is the last thing I want to happen.

I think being aware of this is half the battle, but I still have a long ways to go until I feel secure with my own self. I'm mostly just worried about my boyfriend's lack of trust for me currently.

We can't know if he is picking up on your insecurity and if that's part of his mistrust, or if it's the way you confessed your whole life (something I don't believe in, especially all at once at the beginning), or if it's his nature to be mistrustful.
And you DO seem unsure of yourself, so I would go with him sensing that.
What to do? I'm not sure. Part of me is tempted to suggest that you say 'This is who I am, I am being honest, take it or leave it,' and part of me wants to tell you to do more to prove your worth. Therapy? Group? Fill your time with classes, a woman's book club, vlounteering at a woman's shelter or hospital or animal shelter, anything to take up so much of your time that you couldn't possibly be seeking attention from men?

I don't know - what do you suggest?

joypulv-

I've been trying both of your approaches. Just telling him this is where I am now and he needs to accept that in order to be with me, as well as trying to reassure him and seek personal help. I'm in therapy currently, considering anti-depressants, I've offered to see a couple's counselor, and between school and work I'm a pretty busy person. I think I'm doing all I can right now. I just need to work on reversing my insecurities which stem a lot from mistakes I've made in the past.

I am unsure of myself though, you got that right. I'm terrified of making those mistakes again, as much as I know it is in my control. My boyfriend is just very good at convincing me it isn't in my control whatsoever.

ALSO - thank you guys for being so supportive and non-judgemental. I've been to so many forums in the past few weeks where people in similar situations as I are asking for help and people tend to just all over them. So, I greatly appreciate it!