Hello all,

I was with a woman (NO name!) 3 years. I was happy. I wanted to do whatever I could for her. At the start she was so open and really nice. After 8 months she didn`t want me to talk to any of my friends. She then went through my Facebook and said that I was sleeping with all the `women` friends I had. I told her she was being silly and paranoid (But I didn`t use that word!) She made me delete some of them and I did. When they asked me why they had been deleted I told them and they were very sad for me and told me leave her. I knew it was wrong but for some reason I could not. I put her first and felt that I wasn`t doing enough to prove myself to her.

She then sent messages on FB to some of the woman friends I have. She told them that she knew I was sleeping with them. These were old friends of mine who I went to school and university with! (Most have families!) I apologised to all of them and told her that it was enough. She said because I said it is over that she must be right about me sleeping with these women! I tried to sit down with her and tell her that the only person I wanted was her. But everything I said just made it more wrong.

She told me me she didn`t trust me and left. But every 2 days she would send me a horrible sms, telling me I was weak and I had to do what she wanted if I wanted to be with her. Put her first with everything, including before my daughter. I have no idea why I feel so so let down. I thought I did everything right. I am so careful in relationship after my past. What signals did I send to her that made her feel so insecure and paranoid. I used to send her flowers at work. And she always asked why? I said I didn`t need a reason. 2 weeks ago I had to go home to the UK because my father is dying. I sent her a sms telling her because she met my father once. She replied saying. `I don’t care and you have only gone home to sleep with your friends on Facebook`. Did I miss something? Did I get this so wrong? Because at my age it`s normal, I am not a teenager! I feel really hurt and stupid but part of me wants to show her she was wrong to leave me.

I cannot stop thinking about her. My health is suffering, can't sleep or eat for seems like months now. I want to get out of this hole. Have a nice night and thanks for listening.


I don`t want to bore everyone with all the details,
I have suffered so much abuse, verbal and physical
She was jealous of everything and everyone.
She started to wear the same clothes as me.
We could not watch a movie without her becoming jealous
She wanted to argue all the time about nothing.
Everything I did made it worse
Every time I said I love her it was treated with suspicion
She then just cut of all contact and its been 3 weeks and all I have heard from her are nasty texts.

The big question is for you all, is why am I so in love with this person?
...
Yes I miss her everyday.

I honestly think that she was just one of those girls who was insecure with herself perhaps something happened in her past that made her this way. I know I can be jealous sometimes and I don't trust my boyfriend because I've given past boyfriends all my trust only for them to lie to me and end up cheating on me... I think you still love her because of how long you were with her, I know that even if my boyfriend were to do something bad to me I'd still love him (I sound pathetic) but you can't help who you love, I think the best thing to do it think to yourself that you shouldn't beat yourself up about this ignore her mean messages and focus on what's at hand. Look to the future and not to the past even if it hurts a hell of a lot you are strong enough to see through it :) hope I could help.

Hi there,

Thank you for your reply and kind words. I love her deeply but I know almost everything about her is wrong for me. I know I have given so much of myself. I changed to be something for her. I accepted the treatment when so many times I should have walked away. Everything screams wrong. I have been told that because I didn't stand up for myself, I was walked on and became unattractive. I could go on and on. Why do I love this selfish cold person?

Now you know why people stay to long in these abusive relationships. All that changing helped little so of course now you cannot see yourself without her.

Take heart my friend in that is really early and she still torments you through text. Stop reading her texts, block her completely as you grieve and mourn being dumped by the flawed fool who didn't appreciate or know what to do with the heart you gave her. She didn't deserve you in the first place. So you heal, and move on. Not easy now, but it will get better.

The key is to cut all access she still has to your heart. The longer you remain untouchable by her evil paranoia, the better off you will be and you will start to eat, and sleep normally.

The absence of her drama will help you heal. That and a few good friends and family and activities you enjoy. Block her on Facebook except for the claim of "Free at last" and be good to yourself.

Tell her not to text or contact you any more because she taught you not to have female friends that are not girlfriends. You are not going to get over her if she keeps dragging the break up out. Get on with your life, do things YOU enjoy doing

Thank you.

For your kind replies. It's a month and a half now and I still feel in limbo. I have made lists, looking at the postives and negative about her. I can keep strong for a while and it all goes back to self pity later on. My work is now been affect by this. Anything else to be done?

You need to (with your therapist) make that huge leap from feeling that there is something wrong with you to knowing that there is something wrong with her. She is NOT who you thought. She may have wonderful qualities, but her mistrust and control are seriously poisonous. You need to be angry rather than guilty. Stop being the little kid who is punished for breaking the lamp when it was really your little brother, but no one will believe you.

Anger is a temporary requirement for dragging yourself out of the quagmire. How DARE she say 'I don't care' to you going home to your dying dad! GRR! What a thoughtless, selfish, demanding, paranoid, witch! Do it, say it, shout it out loud. TELL HER in your therapy, at the walls at home, out on the street. YOU ARE AWFUL. HORRIBLE, EVIL. Scream. You may start crying. Good. Cry as loudly as you can. Weep. Lie face down on the ground and sob. Get up and yell at her again.

Regain contact with all your friends, and apologize, and say you were swept away by a jealous woman. You need them to pat your lifeless lump of a self back into human shape. Drag you places, prop you up in a corner while they have fun around you, without trying to cheer you up yet. A therapist is only 50 minutes a week.

ANGER. Then, the anger will go, and you can move on.

Stop pitying yourself and refocus on the important things in your life, like work, friends and family. You need to see this as not losing something but gaining an opportunity to make things better.