I am going through a divorce and my five year old is happier with her dad. Would it make me a bad mother if I let her stay with her dad as long as I got visitation? I just want my daughter to be happy as all this is really hard for her.

Would Dad be good for the daughter?

Similarly, if you got custody of your daughter, would that reflect badly on her father?

Her father is very good with her. She's always been a daddy's girl since she was born and she has told me numerous times she wants to stay with her dad.

Her father is very good with her. She's always been a daddy's girl since she was born and she has told me numerous times she wants to stay with her dad.
I would think the child's well being would be first in your mind. And you would have (and claim) regular visitation. Sounds like a win-win for the little girl!

I would think the child's well being would be first in your mind. And you would have (and claim) regular visitation. Sounds like a win-win for the little girl!

Her well being is first in my mind and I don't believe she would truly be happy with me. I would claim regular visitation.

Her well being is first in my mind and I don't believe she would truly be happy with me. I would claim regular visitation.
Again, whatever works best for your daughter... And it can always be changed.

You could do a joint custody with dad as primary caregiver. That way you would be informed on everything, have visitations and some holidays.

Again, whatever works best for your daughter.... And it can always be changed.

This is true! I just want her to be happy!


You could do a joint custody with dad as primary caregiver. That way you would be informed on everything, have visitations and some holidays.
I've considered that option as well. I'm just trying to keep her happy.

I'm not sure why a 5 year old would get to make a choice like this one. Happier? Is that because Daddy is more fun and doesn't have firm rules and regular routines? Who provided her primary care before the divorce?
As a teacher of children her age, I'd never allow her to make a decision that would affect my life. It will be very difficult to change the custody once it's settled, unless you can prove a change in circumstances. What if you change your mind?

By the way, is there someone else in your life filling up your time? I see you're trying to conceive a baby in another post. Is that person not fond of your 5 year old?

I'm not sure why a 5 year old would get to make a choice like this one. Happier? Is that because Daddy is more fun and doesn't have firm rules and regular routines? Who provided her primary care before the divorce?
As a teacher of children her age, I'd never allow her to make a decision that would affect my life. It will be very difficult to change the custody once it's settled, unless you can prove a change in circumstances. What if you change your mind?
She has spent quite a bit of her life with her dad because he was a stay at home dad while I worked 60 hours a week. I also do have rules and such that her dad doesn't have and when she is with me she is always asking when she is going back to her daddies house.


By the way, is there someone else in your life filling up your time? I see you're trying to conceive a baby in another post. Is that person not fond of your 5 year old?
And there is someone else in my life he loves my daughter and has been a part of her life since she was born.

A joint custody agreement would look something like this
Father has primary custody and has daughter during school days.
Mother has visitations every weekend Friday evening -Sunday evening
Mother gets alternating holidays plus mothers day.
Mother gets daughter during summer hours agreed upon by father.
Example-- every other week, bi-weekly, or July and August, or last day of school until school resumes.
Father is to notify mother of school events, school activities, progress (grades) etc.
Father is to notify mother of doctor and dentist appts. And health and well being of child.

Types of Child Custody | Nolo.com (http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-custody-29667.html)

A joint custody agreement would look something like this
Father has primary custody and has daughter during school days.
Mother has visitations every weekend Friday evening -Sunday evening
Mother gets alternating holidays plus mothers day.
Mother gets daughter during summer hours agreed upon by father.
Example-- every other week, bi-weekly, or July and August, or last day of school until school resumes.
Father is to notify mother of school events, school activities, progress (grades) etc.,
Father is to notify mother of doctor and dentist appts. and health and well being of child.

Types of Child Custody | Nolo.com (http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/types-of-child-custody-29667.html)
That is kind of how our agreement is right now. But when I have on the weekends all she wants to do is go back to her daddy.

That is kind of how our agreement is right now. But when I have on the weekends all she wants to do is go back to her daddy.
Can you figure out why? Is that what is normal to her, or is there more to it, say with your kind of discipline or what she does (or doesn't do) at your place. Do you play with her, make cookies with her, take her grocery shopping, read to her, do projects with her, and generally have fun with her, or just plop her in front of the TV?

What does Daddy do differently?

Can you figure out why? Is that what is normal to her, or is there more to it, say with your kind of discipline or what she does (or doesn't do) at your place. Do you play with her, make cookies with her, take her grocery shopping, read to her, do projects with her, and generally have fun with her, or just plop her in front of the TV?

What does Daddy do differently?
I think it has something to do with the fact his parents are constantly around so she gets whatever she wants. Where as I do have rules like a set bed time and such but I play with her we ride horses she helps cook dinner stuff like that but ever since she was a newborn she's always been calmer/ happier with her dad.

If she is with Daddy (custody), would she grow up to be a spoiled, bratty princess?

If she is with Daddy (custody), would she grow up to be a spoiled, bratty princess?

I'm not completely sure on that one. I know her dad doesn't spoil her and has rules it's the grandparents that do. My parents do to but only when there in town visiting not every day.

I'm concerned about the new man in your life (living with you) and how she feels about him?

If your guy you are trying to get pregnant with has been in her life since she was born then what's taken this divorce so long? Look if you are worried about how this looks just know what works best for your family is what you should do. I would imagine that its pretty difficult to be going through this but I will tell you the same as I would a guy, just be a good parent and do what's best for your child.

I think you will, and I think you are no less of a mother than anyone who has to make this decision to let a spouse be the primary care giver. I see nothing wrong with a stay at home mom, nor a stay at home dad. Nor breadwinners who have to support their families.

I hope you work it out, amiably.

She has spent quite a bit of her life with her dad because he was a stay at home dad while I worked 60 hours a week. I also do have rules and such that her dad doesn't have and when she is with me she is always asking when she is going back to her daddies house.


And there is someone else in my life he loves my daughter and has been a part of her life since she was born.

Again, you don't seem to understand that a child of her age is too young to make a decision that could last until she's 18. Every day, I have a few students ask to go home to be with their mommies. Can you imagine if every teacher gave in? What would our society be like without rules? Bottom line: you want to take the easy way out. You have a child with two homes, one with rules, the other not. Of course, the choice for her is easy. Your time with her should be spent exploring the world. Find different leaves and make a collage, melt crayons in between wax paper sheets, conduct science experiments, paint, cook, bake, visit the library. Get to know your daughter and change your focus. I would not make this decision lightly. If you make her a priority and forget about having another man in your life, you should see a huge difference in her behavior.

So she is mostly at her father's now, as you said, and you have her on the weekends? So, you saying you want her to stay at her father's home contradicts you wanting visitation doesn't it?

When you first started posting it sounded like the issue was whether she should stay with her dad, but apparently she already is. And when you do have her on the weekends, she wants to go to her dad's, as you said.

So, is the real question here giving up on having her at all?

Guys have been facing this problem for ages. Why should it be different when women face the same choices?

What do you do with her when she is there? You can't just give up. You can't spoil her either, but as was suggested try doing things with her like bake cookies, invite her friends for a sleep over, etc...

I don't think she is giving up, nor should we infer she is. A guy in the same situation would be giving up would he?

I agree but she seems so concerned that her daughter wants to be with dad all the time. I'm sure she feels perplexed a lot of times where she wants to take her back to dads to make her happy.

I agree but she seems so concerned that her daughter wants to be with dad all the time. I'm sure she feels perplexed a lot of times where she wants to take her back to dads to make her happy.
I am not giving up! I am just in a bind and not exactly sure what to do. I want my daughter constantly she is my whole world. When I am with her she has my undivided attention I am constantly doing things with her like baking cookies and coloring etc.. But she always seem down when she is with me and all I want is for her to be happy. As for my boyfriend she loves him and has even called him daddy. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months my stbx and I have been separated for over a year my boyfriend was and still is a mutual friend.

It's a process that she must go through that will take years in all likely hood to be comfortable with. I think the main issue is the way you deal with those confusing, perplexing feelings. That's a process to just to get through the self guilt and doubt that what you are doing is the right thing.

Few have the option of doing what they want as break ups and divorces makes two different factions that must compromise with each other. Sometimes its messy, sometimes it amicable. Its always emotional though.