How do I help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day don't want help. Its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. He says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together because he says he don't like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and I am his so I can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really don't know what to do anymore.

Leave him absolutely alone or he will destroy your life. Until he decides for himself to actually get help you are in danger yourself. Sorry, but the best way for you to help him is to leave him alone, and let him hit his rock bottom.

Leave him absolutely alone or he will destroy your life. Until he decides for himself to actually get help you are in danger yourself. Sorry, but the best way for you to help him is to leave him alone, and let him hit his rock bottom.


But he has hit rock bottom,he lost his house,car,me.and a month ago his nan died and she was more like his mum.he wants help but his pride gets in the way of asking for it. Any more advice would be gratefully received.

He has to WANT to help himself up from rock bottom. But he hasn't hit rock bottom, because he still has you. For both your sakes, you need to CUT HIM OFF until he begins to help himself.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
You know what? If he loves you a lot and he would change himself for you, then he should still be loving you, and be with you matter what. He should change to become a good boy again, and be by your side. That's what I did with my boyfriend and it really happened him understand the real him, and we been together more than one year and he loves me a lot and same with me.. Good Luck!!

but he has hit rock bottom,he lost his house,car,me.and a month ago his nan died and she was more like his mum.he wants help but his pride gets in the way of askin for it. any more advice wud b gratefully recieved.

If he hasn't asked for help, he has not reached rock bottom. That's the whole point, as rock bottom will either make him seek help or not. Until he does leave him alone. Sorry but you can get the facts through your local Al-Anon group, or go to Narcotics Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous to get the facts about addiction which I strongly urge you to do.

If you stay with this guy while he is using you are enabling him. As talaniman has suggested you should regularly attend Al-Anon meetings as well as go to a few open meetings at a Narcotics Anonymous and a Alcoholics Anonymous group. This will give you a much better understanding of what you are up against and arm you with the tools that you need to best help him.

The best thing that you can do is tell him that he is out of your life until he has gone to some sort of program and has been clean for 3 months or more. Then the choice is his. You really need to let him hit rock bottom in every way. As long as there is someone there like you, or something (such as his job, car, apartment, etc.) then he has not hit rock bottom. He needs to feel like he has lost everything because of his addiction THEN he needs to want to pull himself up out of that. You aren't abandoning HIM... you are abandoning the addiction and effects of it.

Al-Anon will also give you an incredible amount of support through all of this. I urge you to go to 3 or 4 meetings before deciding that it's not for you. Either way, you definitely need to attend a couple of Narc-Anon and AA meetings so that you can hear what made/makes a difference to recovering alcoholics and drug users, the excuses and lies they tell, and the reasons they don't quit.

Remember, not only are you enabling and hurting him if you don't back away and let him fall, but you are in an incredible amount of danger. That world is not a pretty one.

I wish you luck, love and happiness and I believe you can find it if you follow the popular advice here, educate yourself about the addiction and stay strong.

Hugs, Didi

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore. i'm very sorry about what your going through. Honestly there is nothing you can do. He has to want to get help and not you or anyone else can make him do that. Tough love is the best thing you can do. Tell him you love him but can't be with him other wise you will be taken on a roller coaster ride that you definitely don't want to go on. Drug addiction is a horriable thing and a person is on drugs eventually that is their only priorty drugs and more drugs. i'm really sorry but you should just let him go he has to learn on his own and if he gets clean maybe then you can start over. Good luck and by the way i am a recovering coke/crack addict so i kind know what i'm talking about.

Thanks for all the feed back.I took the adivce and today was going to be the start of leaving him alone but I was on bus on way back from town and I saw him walking to town and he looked so down,I just can't do that to him,plus he wouldn't believe me, I could tell him its over and every think but he knows me too well and will know I don't mean it.

Then maybe you should mean it! For your own good as well as his! It's that important. You don't have to tell him anything just leave him alone. Don't allow him near you. Sorry.

thanks for all the feed back.i took the adivce and today was going to b the start of leavin him alone but i was on bus on way back from town and i saw him walking to town and he looked so down,i just can't do that to him,plus he wouldn't believe me, i could tell him its over and every think but he knows me too well and will know i dont mean it.

This is very sad... obviously you don't love your boyfriend. If you did you would allow him to be down, allow him to feel bad about being an addict, mean what you say and get him to that place where he knows the only way out is to get straight. As long as you don't mean what you say and refuse to let him take responsibility for his own actions you are enabling. Enabling him is just like handing him the drugs to kill himself with. It's too bad your love isn't strong enough. I hope you are prepared to bury him, too.

Didi

You Really Have To Just Let Him Go. Please Do You Best And Be Strong! It's Not Easy But You Will Get Trough It!

I've done it, I said to him that I can't be there anymore for him,that he has to do it on his own,he said that he thinks that there isn't any futhure for us any way. I truly believe that he is lying.but I told him exactly how I was feeling and how much he hurt me. Haven't seen him for one month and haven't spoken to him for nearly two weeks.now he has got no one.he should now hit his rock bottom.he still has a lot of my stuff that he knows is very important to me.I told him as soon as I get my stuff the more quick I can move on.still haven't heard anythink.do you think he is hanging on to it for a perpose.

How bad are withdrawals from coke, and how long usually will it take to be free of the symptoms.

It can take years, it depends on how bad he wants to be clean, and how hard he works at it.

Okay you are on the right track. Good for you. As far as him holding your stuff, that is not important to him. What is important is the next buzz, the next high and where now to get the money to buy that high. That is all he can concentrate on.

As far as the withdrawals go. They last 3 - 5 days for cocaine and they include general fatigue (tiredness), apathy (feeling sorry for himself), depression, drowsiness, irritability and paranoia. Now understand that these symptoms are for physical withdrawals, not mental or emotional withdrawal.

Cocaine is a drug that becomes addictive more psychologically than physically. Once the physical withdrawals are over, he has a lifetime battle staying away from the emotional aspect of cocaine.

Addiction is a lifetime disease and there is no cure.

he has always been honest about his addiction although addiction causes u to lie,which I no.
he said he isn't done any 4 over two weeks and was finding it really hard.and said he wanted to b on his own and left alone,so I left him alone.then I asked how he was doing sum days later and he didn't text bk so I asked if he was OK because I was worried and that's when he said he has to rebuild his life and don't think he can ave any kind of a relationship for a long time,and said I should move on.is it possible that he has gone back on to cocaine a feels like he has let me down again and that I deserve beta.and feels sorry 4 himself.

Sweetie, it is hard to say what he has done. He may have gone back on the coke, or he may be trying to finally make a go of it. But such is the life of an addict.

You need to cut all ties. No Contact. No calls, no texts, no e-mails, NOTHING.

Start to rebuild your life. You have been in an unhealthy situation for a while. Time to get yourself healthy again.

Also he won't face me. Is it wrong to think that he won't face me because he loves me and can't stand what he is doing.plus at the moment I don't think he believes that I'm not going to be there in the long run.but I no only time can prove that.

Leave him! If he loved you or cared about you he would straighten the hell up! If he won't face you, he doesn't care about anyone about except himself and the drugs. He's going to hurt you even more then you are hurt now if you keep tagging along with his stupidity.

If he is making a go of it, do addicts normally get there old personality back,be as they were before they started the coke.

Yes, true. Just let him go for awhile. Let him find himself without the drugs. When he's clean, try it again. You just got to be strong babydoll.

You shouldn't put yourself in a place where he has the opportunity to face you. No contact means just that, no contact. Only he can help himself, there is no one on the face of the planet that can help him, but him.

Most likely he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he has become. But if you leave him totally and completely alone, he may come to that conclusion on his own.

Do you see how his drug addiction is hurting you? Notice HIS addiction is hurting YOU.

He will never be cured. NEVER. Addiction is a life long battle.

Ask yourself if this is the life you want to live. Ponder that. Because if you stay with him one or more of a few things will happen:

You will become addicted
You will become abused, physically, emotionally or mentally
You will bury him.

I know those statements are hard to comprehend, but that is the reality of addiction.

He has to face this monster on his own now. He said his peace, so let him battle this without constantly hounding him to see if he is okay, to see if he needs anything, etc.

That just makes the battle harder to win.

Thanks,as long as there is hope that he will be as he was I'm fine with that.

He will never be the same Kazzz, He is an addict, he will always be an addict. There will always be a craving for the drug.

Nothing in his life will ever be the same as it was before he became addicted.

Really appreciate everyone's advice.still don't understand the full thing on addiction and stuff and ave read so much on it. Also if he was to see me, I know he would just throw his arms round me,because that's what he did before.but we do live far enough apart to not bump into each other. Except at the job centre,lol.I just want to slap him,shake him and say what the hell are you doing.I no that won't help but it would make me feel beta.thanx again all

I understand that but because he is my first love guess I'm just really hopein that because he loved me before the coke that he will love me after the coke.

Hun, right now he just loves the coke. Leave him completely alone. Totally, completely. Let him get better by himself. You are only hindering him now, making it harder for him to get clean.

Go to an Al-Anon or Narc Anon meeting they will help you understand this much better.

Sounds silly I no,but I would be prepared for every think just to be with him.

I will never be an addict I ave never been interested in even trying them because I no they destroy your life.most I've ever done is smoke fags,don't even drink sounds quite boring for a 23 year old really.lol

Funny thing is I no most of what your all saying,and ave stopped all contact with him,its hard but I'm doing it.just makes a difference when other people say it.

Thanks again all

Quitting coke is not an easy thing to do, but you need to understand that you can not help him. The only thing is that you will go down with him. I am not trying to sound mean or heartless but how does you hitting bottom with him.. help it ? And that is what will happen.
Some things a person has got to do alone. After the signing into re-hab then perhaps your support will help him, but until he helps himself.. all you can do is stop seeing him or hit bottom with him.

You Only have one thing to do.. Chose do you think trying to help or even loving him will ever make him stop.. NO! It won't.. drugs are addictive and if he wanted to stop he could get help and he won't.. dont tell yourself he will change or he will stop.. because 9 times out of 10.. he won't.. Ive been through something kind of like this.. and if you want a life that doesn't involve drugs.. u have to get away from it... and realize there is something better out there you just haven't had time to find it yet

Thanks and I do understand what you are all saying, I do believe though that he will get off it,if he isn't already.he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but I do hope so.and I can't help but hang on to that 1% that he will change.it gets me through the day,so at the moment I got to do it.

Oh kazzz, Please reconsider your last post and get a life that you enjoy without him, as he may never recover and if he does, it could take years before he can maintain his recovery and be clean for any length of time. Waiting on his maybe changing may not be healthy for you right now, as you must heal also from what he has already put you through. Please consider it at least.

Ave considered it,but at the moment I need to believe this to get through,because other wise I'm going to go mad,and had thoughts that I shudnt ave.
Don't get me wrong if I went out for drink and I met sumone and a felt a spark I wouldn't say no.

I feel that at the moment there is still something to hang on to.
I was with a self harmer before,I never loved him,thought I did at time but realised that I was in unhealthy relationship so I got out of it.
I now no what it is too love some one,and I can't give up on him just yet.
Think the best thing for me to do is to carry on with this site,ave no contact with him.sort my life out and c how its goes with him.he can't hurt me anymore than what he has.
What do you think?

I think yor wasting your time with false hope, instead of positive healing action, to get healthy, and make better decisions.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
Give him his space and continue to pray for him. Sometimes as women we need to give our men space and pray.

Well I ave to learn from my owm mistakes. I can't ave a life full of what ifs.

I can't see any "what ifs"in this situation. If you feel you have to learn from your own mistakes, why are you asking for advice?
I think you know why. You know this is self destructive and all the sympathy you get from any source will never turn your situation around. It will only hurt you more. As for once being a self harmer, I see this as a good way to get back into that behavior. No one wants that to happen to you. Your cry for help has been heard and I commend you for that.
Everyone has tried to help you. You are on page 4 of people giving you very good advice, but you are right... in the end you have to live with your own decisions.
I hope that you soon see the hopelessness of trying to change anyone before they are ready to change. That alone will help you get thought many of life situations.

U ave miss understood,I was not a self harmer and would never do that,I've got a lot of good what ifs and bad what ifs.
What if he does get clean and every think is OK.
What if he don't.
What if I do move on.
What if I don't.
What if this and that, and I think only time will tell,I might be wrong I might be right but I will never know until I try.

Kazzz, there is nothing for you to do, but get a happy life for yourself. Even he as sick as he is has told you that.

Kazzz,

Hun, please read this:


i was with a self harmer b4,i never loved him,thought i did at time but realised that i was in unhealthy relationship so i got out of it.

Do you understand that this man is a self-harmer too? The only difference is that his scars are internal. They are not visible.

Whether he snorts, smokes, or shoots his coke, he is self-harming. He is also self-medicating. He has problems that he is hiding from by using coke.


he been doc's and got anti-depressants and a number 4 counciling.dont no if he is going to it or taking the tablets but i do hope so.

I hope he does not take the tablets while using his coke. It is a very dangerous combination. One that could permanemtly mess his mind up.


i can't ave a life full of wot ifs.

This is exactly the life you are living by staying with him.

What if he gets high enough he overdoses and dies.

What if he starts stealing to get the money to afford his habit.

What if he kills someone in a drug induced psychosis (Don't tell me it doesn't happen, I just spent the day in a state mental hospital (forensic unit) with men who raped and murdered in a psychosis induced by cocaine).

What if he starts shooting up, if he isn't already and gets AIDS and gives it to you.

I have a lot of other "what ifs" but the list is to long.


wot if he does get clean and every think is ok.

Everything will never be okay, never again. He is an addict and will always be an addict. Sure he may get clean and be sober. But sobriety after addiction brings on a whole other set of problems. He will ALWAYS crave the drug. That craving will remain with him the rest of his life.

By staying with him you are enabling him. You are letting him know that it is okay that he hurt himself, and you for that matter.

Sometimes the only way an addict gets clean is to lose everything and everyone they have.

If you really want to help him, you must leave him. This will not only help get him on the path to sobriety, but will help you begin to heal too.

You don't see how his addiction is hurting you, but it is clear to us.

It is clear that you have a very low self-esteem otherwise you would know that you deserve better. You need to get yourself help, seek some counseling even if it is just Narc Anon. You need to learn that he is hurting you and that you are better than this.

Kazz, I am sorry, I did misread your posts.

The thing is.. you are a self harmer by staying with this man.
I agree with J_9.. this man will never be OK and you harm yourself and him by enabling him.

You have got to get out and seek a new life. I know that can sound scary but it can also feel very good to depend on yourself
.
There are a lot of self help groups and some very good counselors out there. Why not try one of them. You may see every thing in a different light. It can't hurt and it may help.
The path you are on now can only lead to pain.

I'm not with him and haven't had contact with him for over a week now,its really hard,but doing it,
Went shopping today bumped into his mum and then hrs later bumped into his bro and his girlfriend and there new baby and I wanted to use that as an excuse to text him but I'm not going to now matter how much I want to.
And his bro is the spitting image of him just younger.
And got job interview Monday and it's a six day a week job so hopefully I will get it and that will keep me busy.

Yeah he knows exactly what he is doing and knows I deserve beta.and it probably is my insecurities and lack of self asteam that is making me go round in circles.
It hurts with or without him.it doesn't help that it was all out of the blue. One day we are talking about moving house and avein fresh start and the very next day he goes think we should go our separate ways and then makes up excuse to blame me for every think.then he said its not my fault and knows it is his.

Honey, he's tearing you apart emotionally. And that's not right. I can feel the pain in your words. You don't need this type of emotional abuse in your life. You need to move on. I know it's going to be extremely hard, but it's for the best. You need to think about yourself in this situation. You've tried to help over and over again, but it doesn't seem to be getting through his head. Live YOUR life. Not the life of trying to make sure He's OK. He will realize sooner or later where he messed up. It may take days, months, maybe even years. And you don't need to be tearing yourself apart for that long. You CAN do better. You seem like a great gal. It's only a matter of time before you find another man who will treat you right and not care so much about the drugs. You just got to give him some space, pray for him, and stay strong.

that's my plan.get a job get sum friends and get a life without him and hope that it will all b OK in the end.with or without him.

Its silly things that are getting to me like going out and seeing other people happy.
And I was so looking forward to summer so we could take his two sons out to theme parks and stuff like we did last year.and get out the pool and stuff and thinking I will never ave that with him and the boys again is the hardest part.

You're on the right track babydoll. He has two sons as well?

Yeah two sons,they don't live with him but we had them every other weekend.he is a good dad.
Apparently they kept asking where I was and he told them I was staying with my mum for a bit.
And they asked if I was going to be there when there dad moved to the new place.there dad just said I don't know boys.

That's good. Do you have a close relationship with the boys?

Sweetie, a coke addict is not a good dad. Do you see where his addiction is taking him? Maybe he used to be a good dad until the addiction caught hold of him. But now he is only a shell of the man he used to be.

want to hear sum think funny,they are both 8,and no there not twins.

I agree with J_9

A coke addict is not a good father. If he's treating YOU this way he may be treating them the same way.

Yes had very close relationship with them.one of them has disabilities and I used to do every think for him. The other one was very much a daddy's boy.I was the only girlfriend that ever lived with there dad.
I agree that he can't be a good dad while he is doing the coke,but that's what I don't get,he will make sure the boys money is there and that they don't go with out,and he won't do coke while he has got them,

Two different mothers?

He will ave a beer but won't do coke.obviously I don't no wots going on at mo,or if he is even avein the boys,however I ave come to realise that I was the only thing he had and now he don't I hope he has hit rock bottom and doing something about it.
Yeah he might see and talk to his family but they ave always gone to him with they problems and leave him to sort out his own.

Yeah to different mothers

One was a relationship,then he had break up and had drunken thumble and has now got two wonderful sons.

Okay, 2 different mothers. Kazzz, dear, this is another red flag. Apparently he was cheating. Would you want to be a single mother of his 3rd child? No, probably not.

I'm not that stupid,plus I can't ave kids,so no worries there.

If u all get sick of me on ere just say.my mum has had enough of me going on about it and looking for meanings in every think.theres no room in this house me to b depressed

I'm thankful 4 all the advice given,really I am,and I no wots got to be done,I just don't know how.
I think I need to hear from sumone that has been on coke and got off it and got there life back.

Anyone got a time machine I could borrow

Kazzz, you don't know it, but you may already be talking to people who are sober and clean addicts.

You may not be aware that some of the advice being given to you may be given by former addicts.

You say you know what has to be done, but don't know how. Get a counselor, someone who knows how to help you face to face, go to Narc Anon (which has alredy been suggested quite a few times)

I feel stupid going to sum where like that.and knowing my luck he would probably be there.

OK,so any former addicts here, did u regret everythink u did when using and did u ever say sorry to those u hurt.

You may or may not get an answer to that question Kazzz, there are some people who may not want others to know their pasts because the past is behind them. They may choose to live for the future, but not the past.

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
Hey.. if he love you he will come back... but remember he needs to love himself first... he also needs love and support.. you can tell him to choose coke or you... I know how hard it is to loose the love of your life... tell him... but if he does not take control now you are going to loose... 1 way or another... by him being out of your life or he will be 6 feet under and out of your life. And that is something you do not need to be around ether... if he gets busted you are going to go down with him and it will be with you for the rest of your life... and if he needs the drugs bad enough he will do dumb things that can also hurt you... just always remember that there is other fish in the sea and you can still fish if you need to...

Thanks,I ave told him and I know I ave hurt him with the things I ave said but he deserved them and it made me feel beta.funny thing is, is that I'm OK with not being with him because I lost myself with him and ave got the opportunity to sort out my own life. I just want him to be happy to.

J-9 I under stand that but,none of this was my fault so surely if he does love me and gets clean I can be the future,if that makes sense.

Honey you are young and if he loves you he need to clean himself up... and he can not love anyone until he loves himself first!! Don't keep your mind on him... look for someone else... ask your parent's how they feel about what he is doing... if you have not gotten your stuff from him just remember that it CAN all be replaced.

The things he has got can't be replaced,my mum feels that he will sort himself out,and hold his hands up and say sorry.
I never looked to meet him when I did.I ave never looked to meet sumone because I think about things to deeply,and great believer in destiny and fait and stuff.
And believe that I will meet the right person at the right time etc. and thought I had met the one

Can't sleep so thought I would give a quick message.
Bet your all bored of giving me the same advice

does it really get easier with time to forget about sum one.

Hun, time is the healer of all wounds. Yes, there may be scars left behind, but the wounds are healed. It does get better with time. Believe me.

Thanks, I really hope your right.

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.

Kazz I may have missed this in a post but may I ask? How old are you? You sound very young.
I'm 23 years old,he is 28

And what is this 23 year old doing for herself?

Every think

finding myself a job that is full time,keeping busy,finding sum friends and going to try and ave a bit of fun.
and in process of learning to drive,had 6 lessons so far

I am finding it really hard not to contact him,but I keep telling myself that one day every think will b OK,with or without him,one day.

Those of you that ave read all of this I wanted your opinion, its his mum birthday next week,should I text her to say happy birthday and that's it,or should I just leave it.normally I remind him,but I know that I shudn't do that and won't.
Would it be so bad to text his mum and just say happy b'day.does that mean that she will tell him I text and does that count has contact.

If you have never contacted her before, why start now? As you can see you must honestly question your motives for everything you do.

You can't help someone if they truly don't want to help themselves. He needs to get into a rehab and stay there for awhile that is the only way he can get help if he has hit rock bottom. And if he won't go there then you need to cut him out of your life he will only take you no where good luck be strong!

yes I ave always contacted her,and I got tickets for her birthday for a her to go see a live TV show,which she should receive sum day this week.

Thought you all might like an up date,just got a full time job,I've got a bit off closure to,because I've to realise that the person I knew was gone a long time ago,and as much as I want him in my life,I think I will always remember how he hurt me and as much as I don't hold a grudge,I think that will always get in the way, and I think the same for him,no matter how long he is clean for he will still remember how he hurt me and he won't forgive himself for that and that will always get in the way,and as much as I don't want to I no I ave to move on.its going to be a long hard road but one I will ave to take slowly.

Good for you dear!! You are making progress.

Yes, it will be a long road, just take it one day at a time.

There's nothink like having no choice that kind of makes u do things. His name has been banned from my house, sitting there doing nothink was driving me mad.

Hi all, just got in from work, really finding all this hard not work though, I'm in tears, it don't seem to be getting any easier, I ave'nt heard from him,never expected to though. I don't even know if I would want him back any more for doing all this and that hurts the most knowing I ave to let him go 4 eva but don't know how.
How can I ave no contact and still ave a life because today at work his sister came in and even though we are fine with each other, I know she will tell him she saw me,so technically that's contact but there isn't no where else to work I only live in a little county.with two shopping centres.

And I can't move away because I only ave my mum and two brothers, and yeah I'm 23 but I really do need my mum,as much as she might do my head in.

You need to take all those pent up feelings and do something for YOU! Pretend he has moved to a far away country and you won't see him for 10 years. Now, fill in the void with things that make you happy. If you just sit around thinking about him time will drag on, but if you get busy. Do some self improvement, find things/people/activities to fill in your free time... it WILL get easier. You don't need to worry yourself with whether you will take him back or not. Instead, busy yourself with making YOU the very best you can be. The rest will all fall into place.

Yes, you will have hard times, but you will also start to realize that you are having some easy times, too! If you are having a difficult time finding things to make you happy I will tell you what worked for me after my husband died. Buy a digital camera and start taking pictures of things... especially nature. A bird in the tree, the white clouds billowing across the sky, a sunrise or sunset, a flower, the trees in blossoms, whatever you can find. At some point you will realize that you are noticing more and more... AND... instead of seeing everything in sad shades of grey you will find that you are seeing colour again!

Once that starts you will be well on your way.

You have taken a big step in your life and you WILL be a better person for it. Whatever happens with him, you have done something that could well be the best thing that anyone has done for him.

Hugs, Didi

Wanted an opinion on whether throwing myself into work is a good idea or not. I ave full time job,which is six days a week and 9 to 10 hrs a day, it takes my mind of things . Its my first full time job that I ave had for two years.

Doesn't sound like you have to throw yourself into it, but focusing on things that make your life worth it without him, will surely help. New friends is an okay thing to pursue also.

Personally, I think 54 to 60 hours of work a week is MORE than enough! Where's the fun in your life? What do you do when you aren't working or sleeping? That's where you need quality of life!

Love, Didi

well I don't do any think out of work,because yeah I know it sounds stupid but don't ave any friends,and its times like this that make you realise who your friends are and I don't ave any.
however I am working so am meeting new people. Just hopeing I can get him out of my head. I tend to keep myself to myself. The first time I went out for years was when I met him and it was the first time he had been out for years.
its strange because the first moment I saw him I didn't have a clue who he was and wasn't really my type,but for sum reason I really wanted to get to know him better and the rest is histroy.

Work was going OK,bit boring,any way Monday I just broke down and ended up going home and still not at work,feel like I took one step forward and two steps back,yeah I know I should get up dust myself off and start again, but really finding all this really hard to deal with.just don't know what to do any more.

Boring as it sounds you just keep doing what you have been, so dry the eyes and get back to work. Reality is hard on everyone and we still have to keep plugging away at it.

You will have good days and bad days for awhile. You have to pull yourself through the bad days... force yourself to pretend they are good ones. Losing your job or not having money is not the way to deal with things. What if you were married and he died? Believe me, you can't just crawl into a little hole of self pity and die yourself! You get up and out of bed, clean yourself up, get out there to work and it helps to make you feel better. If that doesn't work, then you find other things to do in your life to fill the void when you aren't at work or sleeping. It IS possible. Remember, you are responsible for how you feel. If you just keep plugging away at motivating yourself and surround yourself with things that make you happy you will be happy. You need to work on YOU right now so you don't repeat the mistakes that got you where you are yet again.

You CAN do it. Keep telling yourself that. You are part way there, sweetie. Don't give up now!

Love, Didi

Thanks,really do understnd what you both said,and I know what I got to do. Just finding it hard to do.

Hi, all those that have read my posts already,need some more advice please.
I lost that job, but I do have another one which is loads of fun,and really enjoying it.
My questions is, I was and am so pleased at how I am doing, that I text him, saying "every think is going to be fine, thanku x." that's the axact text. I wasn't expecting a text back having not heard from him for at least a month, think I haven't text him for about three weeks,don't know exact but it was a long time and at least three weeks. Any way he text back saying "good, glad to hear it will all be fine,but take it that text wasn't meant for me,hope your ok,take care x" I text back saying "it was meant for you and that i could'nt explain why i was saying thanku coz it was a bit to long winded to put in a text,hope your ok to,take care to,x"
He hasn't text back to that and I'm fine with that but why did he text in the first place when in the past when I ave accidentally sent him a text he just ignores it, why say hope your OK and take care and with a kiss at the end, he don't give kisses at the end of text normally.if he don't care like he said before.
I'm confussed, I want answers but don't want to hassel him. Sorry this is long!

Don't even know if he is clean or not and yeah I know that's not my problem any more and to keep working on me and stuff, but just really confussed now as to is he or isn't he clean.

Girl, you just need to stop texting him altogether. Just chalk it up as experience and move on with your life.

You will never get any closure to this if you continue down this path.

Lose his number pronto!!

I'm confused, I want answers
Kazzy you have just learned a valuable lesson about no contact. Every time you break no contact and talk, text or email the ex his responses will bring more questions than they answer and even more confusion. Everyone here at this forum has found that out and had the same results as you when no contact is broken. Get back on the path to health and you will be just fine. Ignore this good advice at the risk of your own sanity and good mental health. Lose his number, and do not contact him, even if he contacts you.

Thanks,I did delete his numbers but its no good because I good with numbers and now them of by heart. I didn't think about texting him I was just sitting they drawing and then out of the blue I text him. I have no intension of texting him again.

Good for you Kazzz! You just need to forget the numbers now.
Concentrate on YOU, have fun again. Learn what the real Kazzz is and show that to the world.
You are a strong woman, you have shown us that already by doing what you have.
Don't despair.
Don't give up.
Don't doubt your own ability to heal yourself.

You CAN do it!
My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Moomin
:)

You can't live your life for someone else. He and he alone needs to make what choices he wants for his life. You need to make the choice of staying with an addict or moving on with your life. Don't allow him to ruin your life. Do what you need to, to be able to move on.

Good luck with this, I am going through the same thing, except I have a child with my first love. He would rather do crack cocaine than to be with me, when he doesn't have the drug he wants me, when someone comes around with it or he has money then he "needs his space" He can go 2-3 months at a time without doing it but he always relapses. Cocaine is a strong addiction and I will tell you, if you have given this guy chances to change already, chances are he is not going to change, and it will be a vicious cycle with him for the rest of your life, take my advice from someone who is going through it, LEAVE HIM ALONE and Definitely DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!! If you don't leave him alone you will look back and ask yourself why you stayed with him, after he runs off with your bill money, steals from you and lies to you everyday for this drug. TRUST ME

You can't fix other people, but I understand you not wanting to abandon him. You should call Narcotics Anonymous and ask them for advice, they should tell you also where there is a meeting for you also, they are called Alanon. It's a good place to start.

Update: he sent me a text saying he can't take it any more,needs to put an end to for good,he can't keep screwing up.
So of course I rushed round there, he hanged himself,I'm absoulty deverstated,I found him just hanging there,I couldn't cut him down,he is dead, what do I do know.please god help me.

OMG, are you all right? Know it is not your fault... get some help with this, know you are in my prayers

What a horrible thing to go through, I am so sorry. Please don't bear any guilt for his choices, and get help going through, this as I know his family is devastated also. My condolenses and prayers are with you.

Isn't really hit me yet, never lost any one before.scared

I just read the last post. Kazz, I am so so sorry. Surround yourself with loved ones sweetheart. My prayers are with you and with his family. Take care of yourself

how do i help someone addicted to coke that one day wants help and the next day dont want help. its killing me to see the love of my life killing himself. he says he loves me and wants to be with me but at the moment were not together coz he says he dont like himself and doesn't want me to see him in that way.he is my first love and i am his so i can't just walk away but its hurting so much to not, really dont know wot to do anymore.
You have to walk away because he won't change until he hits rock bottom and that can be years from now. I dated a guy for 3 years and realized that last year that he had done coke the entire time. That was 5 years ago and he is still doing coke. I am happy I found the strength to leave him.

I had a friend that committed suicide with a gun 15 yrs ago and a cousin that hung himself last year. You must remember that they were very ill people. Both of them had abused drugs. Do not feel guilty because it will only harm you. Just remember him for the good in him and what good things that he brought into your life. May peace be with you.

Hey my fiancé is well was addicted to coke and ectasy he would go to the pub and not be able to go without ectasy or he would sit in with his mates and snort coke. He is my first love 2. but he got himself into so much dept he started dealing them at clubs and pubs he is now in prison if you read my questionns.with me onli been sixteen people keep telling me to move on but I love him with all my heart. I think you should try and get him to get help and get him off the coke because before you now it he will be dealing and my fiancé did it to feed his habbit and could be looking at four years.

I know its hard to let go, but forget it, there are a million fishes in the sea. I know its your first love, but try being a friend and move on with your love life. Its not worth it.

Hope everything is getting better for you!

I know I don't know everything but I do know this I have had men in my life just like you have described and if they do not love there self how can they love anyone else THEY CAN NOT and if your are just waiting on him to stop or change it can only happen if he really really wants to it will not happen over night but he can stop only if he really wants to but he has to be committed to do so I think the easy way to stop is to leave it alone stop hangin around people who are involved in it and get strong enough to be able to be around it and not want it but ask him if he loves you then ask him if he loves hiself then tell him if he loves you and he loves himself then he will stop using I know its hard I've been there and now since I have stopped I have a wonderful family 5yr old girl and a wonderful boyfriend I could not ask for a more perfect family drugs suck I'm 22 I just quit everything I was doing a few months ago its hard but it takes that comittment and if he don't stop it will get worse and it will turn into a very bad situation and I would tell you to leave if he don't stop you deserve better. Because the longer you stay the more you feel that you love him but what you really want is for that person to change that may never change. Give him his one and only chance tell him you will leave if he loves you he will unfortunately mine didn't and it was the best thing that ever happened to me I promise if you have to leave your first love your wounds will heal and you'll find a better man who will love you and be completely true and honest to you not drugs. Your are in my prayers and I hope the best for you:D

You can stop seeing him. You need to stop talking or listening to him.
You can not change him. You need to find a new life and one that does not involve him. I know this sounds cruel, but people can only fix themselves for themselves.