Hi there. I am a newbie here and am need of some serious advice. I am going nuts and feel as though my soul is totally restless over this and even more so with the recent unexplained contact from him. I appreciate anyone's time to read this (I know its long but I want to give a little background) and let me know your thoughts, advice or words of wisdom men and women's point of view.

I was with my ex boyfriend for 12 years we were living together. In October 2010 I had a falling out with my mom and we lived in a place she legally owned but was my place. When the falling out took place she made life hell for us and we were forced to move. This was very hard on me and I sunk into a depression. He and I had a strain placed on us over this whole ordeal. I also have a daughter from a previous marriage and during this time he even began to act differently towards her like trying to enforce house rules on her at the new place but at that point she was almost 18 so she decided to live with her dad fulltime because of it. So my depression increased with that added in the mix. While I was in my depression I slept a lot and didn't want to go out places and we were a fairly social couple before all of this. He would complain on and off about it and I felt completely unsupported by him emotionally.

Needless to say in February 2011 I discovered he had some sort of relationship/friendship with someone. This was someone who he use to work with (thanks to Google I found out that part) she was married and he was supposedly doing some freelance work for her on a small business she and her husband were opening (he is a graphic designer). Sounds innocent and normal however, when I learned of her I asked him who she was and he denied three times even knowing her. Then he admitted knowing her and gave me the story above. I could not understand why he wouldn't have just said that from the get go if it was all innocent and business oriented. His excuse for lying was because I would have gotten mad and made the wrong assumptions. I have had trust issues in the past but this was baffling.

So I took it upon myself to email her. She denied any romantic involvement and pretty much said the same thing. BUT got extremely defensive when I asked something to the affect of if there was something going on between them that he husband should be made aware of. She offered for me to talk to her husband which I never did and she told me she was firing my ex from the job she was working on with him after I told her he denied even knowing her. I of course went off the deep end with him and was just so extremely hurt and at first he wanted to go to counseling at that time I was not ready I was dealing with a medication for my depression and was transition to a new one and was having a very tough time with it. This was the first real major thing to come up between us (at least that I found out about) and I was devastated. So clouded mind equaled clouded thinking and judgment for me I said a lot of nasty, mean and hurtful things out of hurt & anger.

He began to sleep on the couch and we fought a lot. After about a month I was starting to adjust on my new medication and I did a lot thinking and I made up mind I wasn't going to let this come between us and I approached him and gave him a complete apology owing up to my words and actions and expressed how deeply sorry I was and asked to go to counseling to work through this but now he no longer wanted too. He said I hurt him badly but the things I said and didn't feel there was hope for us any longer.

So I asked him what we were to do... I of course wanted to save our relationship and was willing to put forth any effort to do so. Instead he remained in this limbo state, we were basically ships passing in the night. Every time I would bring up working on the relationship it would end up in fighting. We had 2 dogs together and that basically was all that was connecting us. He remained on that couch until he finally moved out in November 2011 to his dads.

The initial arrangement was he was going to help with the rent for 3 months and would help continue to help with the care of the dogs (I work very early morning hours) until I figured out how I would afford to stay there on my own since I couldn't. When the 3rd month came I asked him so this is it, no more rent and asked him again if he was sure he didn't want to work on things. He wouldn't really answer but gave another check... Well that turned out to go on until June 2013. During that year and half he came over 6 days a week to take care of the dogs, bought their food, paid his half of the rent and we use to meet up in the evenings with them to take them to run around. So I began to feel as thought it was his way of keeping the door open because he wasn't 100% sure and was having a really hard time letting go. I always felt he used the dogs as an excuse. But that arrangement although it helped me financially and with my dogs began to take its toll emotionally. I couldn't handle it I couldn't handle seeing him and he would act exactly the way he would when we were tighter but no romantic/sexual contact. So there was a lot of false hope which lead to more and more fighting that just kept mounting. It was an unhealthy situation.

In March 2013 he approached me asking me if he could take one of the dogs permanently and I keep the other and I wasn't willing to separate them. He fought a couple of weeks with me on that and then said he wouldn't fight anymore I could keep her but was still coming over for them. I had sent one of the dogs to an in-kennel training program for 3 weeks which was very expensive. When he asked for the one dog he tried to bargain for her by saying he would pay the entire training bill for him if I let him have her. I refused. Finally in June of this year he gave me a final rent check with a note saying he could no longer continue to pay and about 2 weeks later he came to the house and returned the house keys in my mailbox while I was at work no prior notice and just sends a 2 line text message "I dropped off dog treats on the porch and the house keys in the mailbox". I immediately suspected it was because he must've gotten involved with someone to just abruptly do that. I texted him "so that's it" and he said yes It has to be. And I didn't hear a single thing from him for 2 months now.

So here we are at the end of August, no contact, I have left him completely alone and as hard as this has been and as much as I never wanted to accept he was gone I began to over these past 2 months. I have had to do all sorts of creative things to manage my rent and household for the time being. I've had to be ultra strong and face all those fears I had and **** right I' am doing it! But 2 weeks ago on a Friday I got home and picked up my mail in there was a plain envelope someone had dropped in my box with mine and the dogs names written on it. I did not even recognize his writing but yup it was from him with a short note saying he was giving me a check for half of the training fees and hoped the training helped him and hoped we were all doing well. And said" LOVE",____. Now first thing I am thinking is, W-H-A-T? Why all of a sudden 2 months later do you decide to come and give me a check. At first I was a little leery about even accepting it because I thought to myself is this opening the door to crazy-ville again. After talking to a few friends they all convinced me to take the check and just thank him. So I did. I kept it very simple thanked him and did not address anything about the training whether it helped or not and that was that.

He then replied saying your more than welcome and no direct questions but was making statements again about the dogs. He put them in a way so I could answer. But I didn't. Then my birthday was Thursday and I get a birthday text from him all happy and upbeat just wishing me a HB hope I'm having a good day with happy facessss. UGH, then I get home and to find he mailed me a card he's an artist so he hand painted a card with an elephant (my favorite animal) basically saying the same thing and said hope this little elephant brings a smile to your face and using "LOVE____" again. He hadn't used the word LOVE post break-up in anything he had given me. So I broke down in tears thinking how could he do this to me knowing how horrible the break-up has been on me and knowing full well I wanted to be with him to the very end and he just threw me and the dogs away like yesterday's garbage. I felt terrible. But I just sent a simple thank you. He then texts again about nothing really and I responded that it was OK now birthday time is over he didn't need to keep texting me. The next day my friends son sees him at a local bowling alley with... you guessed it... a girl and her son! They said hello to each other so he knew full well I would find out. I WAS LIVID. More for the fact, that okay, if he's with someone WHY is he texting me all of a sudden and sending me a card with very personalized things in it? 2 hours later he texts me like absolutely nothing only this time he has 10 direct questions about the dogs. So I texted him and went off saying how dare he be texting me while he's with someone and that I didn't appreciate that and felt it was disrespectful and basically he shouldn't be doing that to me or her! I said I had no idea why he would be reaching out and sending me a card and I also said that I felt that he was involved with someone when he returned the keys and disappeared the way he did and that they wouldn't be hard to find and I had a good mind to let her know about this because I feel that is just deceitful on his part! Plus I am mad how he handled things with me and I just can't believe he would be doing this to me knowing all the hurt he caused me.

I don't hear anything for 2 days then I get an email apologizing for everything he's put me through and that and he starts talking about the past that he has realized in hindsight how poorly he handled things and now has to live with that. Just a lot of explanations on things that are dead in the water now. He said he "sent me a card because my birthday was always something that mattered and he was just trying to be nice".

He then points out that some things in my text are inaccurate especially about returning the house keys saying "it had nothing to do with being involved with somebody, that wasn't the then or now. It was never a factor, but I see how it seemed it that way". I have no idea what he means by this.

Then ends it by basically saying I doesn't have all the answers and admits there were things he could've handled better and more productively and was truly sorry for all the hurt & pain he caused me and that he doesn't want to be forgiven he not even looking for that because he doesn't think that's possible at this point but just wants to know that he acknowledged things he's responsible for and wishes he could express how sincerely sorry he is.

So I have no clue what his angle is or if there even is an angle. What is the motivation here and is this more of a selfish thing for himself and his own guilt he may be feeling? So confused and heartbroken.

Wow! You just wrote a summary/abstract for a bestselling romance novel!

I'm guessing he feels guilty and is just fondly remembering all those years you two were together (especially with the dogs). Since he seems to be dating again, I don't think he is trying to move back into your life romantically -- but maybe he is thinking enough time has passed that it is Friend Zone time.

He is over you, moved on and is just friendly now but you however have not moved on and see ghosts of past false hope still. That's your confusion and an honest short note to end all contact so you can heal would probably accomplish a lot more than being jealous and hearing news of him having a good time while you suffer.

You are not alone since the dogs you share and both care about is the connection that binds you. So like any divorcing couple with kids at least take care of the dogs as you heal, and rebuild a life without him. Maybe that's why he is friendly with you in the first place.

He is over you, moved on and is just friendly now but you however have not moved on and see ghosts of past false hope still. That's your confusion and an honest short note to end all contact so you can heal would probably accomplish a lot more than being jealous and hearing news of him having a good time while you suffer.

You are not alone since the dogs you share and both care about is the connection that binds you. So like any divorcing couple with kids at least take care of the dogs as you heal, and rebuild a life without him. Maybe that's why he is friendly with you in the first place.
Yes, you're right I have not moved on that is more so why I'am upset he would contact me at all. I made it clear I do not want to be friends and that I do not want any contact. I feel as though he being able to be friendly with me is good for him but not me at this point.
So I just personally feel he should leave this alone all together. This apology letter stirred up a lot of bad feelings and I feel as though its more selfish of him right now.


Wow! You just wrote a summary/abstract for a bestselling romance novel!

I'm guessing he feels guilty and is just fondly remembering all those years you two were together (especially with the dogs). Since he seems to be dating again, I don't think he is trying to move back into your life romantically -- but maybe he is thinking enough time has passed that it is Friend Zone time.

Thanks for the reply. I do sense a lot if guilt no doubt. But it's really only been 2 months no contact and I made it very clear I do not want friendship or contact with him. That's why I'm confused as what he's doing. I just feel it to be a little selfish of himself at my emotional expense knowing everything he put me through.

He is only hindering you. By him calling you he is opening unhealed wounds. Then you romanticize the good times and forget why you broke up which leads to you dwelling on if there is a chance for you two again. You need to tell him that you feel it best that you do not contact each other. He may feel he needed to apologize because so many people cry out for closure and he may have a sense of that is the right thing to do, but as you say it is more selfish or at least thoughtless on his part.

He is only hindering you. By him calling you he is opening unhealed wounds. Then you romanticize the good times and forget why you broke up which leads to you dwelling on if there is a chance for you two again. You need to tell him that you feel it best that you do not contact each other. He may feel he needed to apologize because so many people cry out for closure and he may have a sense of that is the right thing to do, but as you say it is more selfish or at least thoughtless on his part.
Exactly. I don't see a point Especislly now he's with Someone and clearly moved on. He could have written a letter to me and then burned it his closure. I don't see what causing me to open wounds that aren't even healed for him to feel better? I'm assuming that is what this is all about?

I'm wondering if maybe he just meet this other girl and feels he needs to find out if there is still a chance with you or if he should move on with her. Maybe he is looking for closure for himself before he begins a new chapter with this girl.

I'm wondering if maybe he just meet this other girl and feels he needs to find out if there is still a chance with you or if he should move on with her. Maybe he is looking for closure for himself before he begins a new chapter with this girl.
I have thought about that possibility. After the breakup he maintained he had no hope for us. So I'm guessing its not to see if there is still hope it's more to close this chapter to move on, it just kills me :(

I have thought about that possibility. After the breakup he maintained he had no hope for us. So I'm guessing its not to see if there is still hope it's more to close this chapter to move on, it just kills me :(
You have to give him a little wiggle room (but not allow him to wiggle back into your life). After all, you were together for so long. It's tough to move on and dump those old habits and routines that were so much a part of your life for so many years..

You have to give him a little wiggle room. After all, you were together for so long. It's tough to move on and dump those old habits and routines that were so much a part of your life for so many years..

I agree with that. I just am not liking being upset Imif you will when I'm chugging along trying to move past it as well. I feel it's a little set back for me. Do I respond or not?

Do I respond or not?
Nope. Let him wiggle. Don't wiggle with him.

Nope. Let him wiggle. Don't wiggle with him.
Ok thanks for the advice!

Do I respond or not?

Other than tell him to leave you alone NO. Normally I would say no response at all but short sweet and to the point will give you both finality, and then you drop all this negative drama within yourself and begin the first day of your new life without him by being good to yourself.

I wanted to post the "apology letter" for reference...


I can't apologize enough for everything, and what I put you through, and I know that no apology in the world can fix it. I realize in hindsight how poorly I handled things and I have to live with that.

I never meant to hurt you, you over, or especially disrespect you, and I know you never meant to hurt me, and I'm so sorry for it turning out that way.



I think part of it came from, amongst other things, frustration, anger, sadness, and like you said one time, probably a little selfishness (on my part).

Many times I was seeing in tunnel vision and probably was focusing on the wrong things... Like too much on the little things, not enough on the bigger picture. But to me, I was seeing the little things that were hurting both of us as making up the big picture and it made me feel worse.




I know we both have said that the once one gets a thought or feeling, the other is branded/labelled with that and there's no getting out of that "hole" I think we put each other in holes (at least the way it felt, like you said) and there was no getting out. I think that happened from both sides and I admit I'm guilty of that and I wish it hadn't got to that point.

There's a lot of stuff you said in your text that isn't accurate, especially in regards to reasons and why I handled things the way I did, and I don't really know if trying to explain every single thing is going to help, but like I mentioned above, I handled some things ty and I'll never be able to express how sorry I am. I don't know about you, but my feelings of frustration clouded how I dealt with things and we battled before we stopped to realize if that was even necessary.

You asked what my reason/intention was for the check and card, and honestly my intention was because I did say I would pay for half of Rocky's training, and because of what happened with the arguing about Amanda, I wasn't thinking about his training costs at all. Once I realized that, I wanted to cover what I had said I would. I know what you went through with Rocky and yeah it ended up being your problem to figure out and that wasn't fair. I just hope that one day you'll realize the position I was put in and how extremely difficult it was for me, as I've realized the position you were put into as well.

That's where things stemmed from in regards to Amanda, NOT anything else like you had said in your text. Amanda will always be my baby and pride and joy and that's what was so hard to deal with. I thought the reasons I had for wanting to take Amanda full time were valid reasons, but I didn't want to continue to fight with you, so I backed down. But just because That's how I feel about Amanda doesn't mean I don't feel for Rocks, I do. Coming to you about Amanda and returning the keys had absolutely nothing to do with being involved with somebody, That's wasn't the case then or now. It was never a factor, but I see how it seemed that way. In regards to the card, your birthday was always something that mattered and I was trying to do something nice.

I don't have all the answers and I admit there were things I could have handled better and more productively, and I truly am sorry for all the hurt and pain I caused you. I don't want to be forgiven, I'm not even looking for that because I don't think that's possible at this point, but I want you to know that I acknowledge the things I'm responsible for and wish I could express how sincerely sorry I am.