Hello. I just needed some opinions on where to go from here. I would appreciate if there was no "She may be lying" etc. I've taken steps to ensure, beyond her word, that she is indeed telling the truth.

Basically I work with this girl. I've known her for over a year. She's been with this guy for 4 years now. She's broken up with him several times but gone back out of sympathy when he blew her phone up, showed up at her house over and over etc. The things that these idiots do when girls get the courage to end it, and she did what low self esteem girls in these kinds of relationships do. Long story short, she's liked me for a while and I've liked her. We started 'talking' as more than friends 3 months ago. We immediately hit it off. Both have admitted to not feeling this way about anyone before, and so fast, and everything when we're together seems perfect. She doesn't wear the fake smile like at work, she's genuinely happy, and being a very guarded person I feel as if I can finally open up a bit. Which is rare.

Now the tough part. I've given her an out. I'm currently 23 years old living with my mom while finishing up my degree. Before I said a word to my mom she immediately fell in love with this girl and offered her a place at our house whenever she felt the need after hearing her situation. We've talked about this seriously quite a bit, once we're both ready, to get her out. She's all for it. Recently however one of her 3 dogs became pregnant and is expecting puppies. So that's been stalled until that's sorted out. The guy that she's with, whom she doesn't even consider dating at this point since she's told him to get out several times, is finally catching on. He's told her that if he caught her cheating or talking to someone else he'd beat her pretty badly, and because of that it shows how much he loves her (I know right?).

This girl has had no help her entire life. Her mom was a druggy. She's been raped, twice, and couldn't tell anyone for fear of no one helping her. She was almost killed by the first guy when he used a knife to cut her, and never even told her mom because she knew her mom wouldn't even believe her. Her low self esteem issues stem from these types of things I assume. That being said, I want to help her. Not even just as a boyfriend situation, but as a friend. I know this goes beyond being about me. She needs a friend to help her take that plunge and get out. I already told her when he comes after her I'll be there waiting. My big question is how do I go forth? I know I can't force her. I know all I can do is tell her that I'm here and that as soon as she's ready we'll get her stuff and she's gone. But do I push the subject? Do I assume her self esteem and being brought down so often will keep her from it so try to convince her? I'd love some feedback if anyone has dealt with or been in this situation. I'd be eternally grateful because I know it's very delicate how to go forth. Thank you very much and sorry it was a bit long! I just wanted people to know it wasn't a "girl trying to get attention thing". Thanks.

This friend/girlfriend of yours- how old is she? And does she live with her boyfriend?

I know you believe every word she says, but, how have you been able to verify what she's said.

She has quite a history, and her current history with her boyfriend, has lasted four years. It doesn't sound like she's going anywhere soon, for many reasons.

If what she says is true, then you are stepping into a situation that could cause you, and her, harm. Leaving is only the beginning of getting away from abuse.

To help her get the resolve she needs to leave, she needs to have a plan. Has she considered a restraining order? Does she have any idea where she will go? How will she support herself. Has she had any contact or help from a women's shelter or any counseling to give her the tools and education to make a safe break, and to stay safe after she leaves. In other words, if you say she is ready, what has she put in place to make this situation she is in, change.

You can offer all the support you want to by listening and encouraging her, but without her taking the steps she needs to take to get out, what else can you do.

I would offer help, in a helpful way as in the suggestions I've stated. But, after exhausting all the avenues to help her get out and on with her life, and she is still in the same situation, without helping herself, you are out of options.

Have you thought about what to do, should she stay where she is?

It has to be her choice, and often she has to be to a point that is very low to make that change.. She has left, and goes back, because she wants to. Some women are taught that they even deserve the abuse.

She needs to find a path to make her strong and on her own.

It is easy, really, she walks out the door and does not go back.
Dogs, are just an excuse, next year it will be another excuse, just like a married man, dating a women, he always has an excuse why.

You cannot save her from her decisions, nor is it wise to give this troubled female your heart or assume you are more than friends. You seem to be her only friend so shelve the love and romance notions as she figures out her own circumstance.

I agree with what everyone has said and I'd add that her moving in with you and your mom would be a mistake. She needs a plan, perhaps go to a shelter and be getting counseling before she gets into a relationship with you or lives with you.

Tell her to check out women's abuse shelters. They can protect her better than you and your mom. You don't need this guy coming to your mothers house to beat you all up. Be supportive but you really can't get involved until she works it all out.

I absolutely disagree with what everyone has said. This is absurd. Coming from a home where my mother was in this situation, I am appalled at the reactions society has to women in these situations. Maybe this is why MY mother stayed as long as she did.

Women who are in abusive relationships often feel lost, isolated, and alone. They don't feel they HAVE any other options, let alone making a plan so they have options. The best advice (coming from someone who lived it) is to tell her step by step how to get out. If she agrees to go live with you and your mother, you and the police must go with her to her house to retrieve her belongings. This is a safety precaution for you, her, and anyone else around.

I am assuming you trust her and you truly believe her living with you will not cause a problem. Make sure you have thought through all the ramifications of moving in together. Like any couple co-habituating, there comes risks and problems (especially with someone who has been abused - less trust in these situations). This is up to you and your mother if you want her in your place of living.

You are not a knight in shining armor. If he comes after her, do not take this man on. Contact the police in any circumstance. The only time you are justified in getting involved is for self-defense or if he poses an ACTUAL threat. These are not verbal threats. The moment he lays hands on her, then it is okay to proceed in defending her. You do not want to go to jail.

If she refuses to come out of that home, the only thing you can really do is help her understand her options. Let her know there is hope, that other women have been through this and have gotten out alive and better. Counseling and group meetings would be very effective for a domestic violence survivor - helps to remove feelings of isolation. If she does not want to take these options, you have to let her be where she is. This does not mean abandon her or be angered by her decision. If she is a rape survivor and a domestic abuse survivor, her low self-esteem may prohibit her from seeing a "light at the end of the tunnel." She might stay because she believes this is the only option she will ever have. This shows a lack of trust in men and people in general. She doesn't believe any "good" people exist who will treat her well. If she stays, it is due to fear of a situation worse than the one she is in or fear of the man she is with. Monitor her situation and if things get out of hand, call the cops FOR her. She will eventually be forced to leave (if he gets arrested and she can't support herself).

Hope this helps. Good luck to you!

If she agrees to go live with you and your mother, you and the police must go with her to her house to retrieve her belongings. This is a safety precaution for you, her, and anyone else around.


Ideally this would be nice for him to take her in. I just don't see how the OP and his mother going with her and the police to retrieve her stuff will not make the problem worse. Then he sees (in his mind) that she dumped him for the OP. Then he tries to find out where they live if he doesn't already know. Then he is harassing her at his mothers house. The police do not like bothering with domestic violence and often they will not bother unless there was a violent act committed or at least in the process.

You say they can't do anything short of her boyfriend physically starting to harm her. This is true, BUT I hear too many stories where the second there is physical abuse starting its already too late to do anything or call the police.
She can stay with the OP and his mother but they need to have a really good plan and be ready for if he comes out of nowhere and starts attacking or starts harassing them daily. Police can actually site them for calling them all the time over a situation like this.

Right now all I see is that he can be there for moral support and helping her where he can.


I absolutely disagree with what everyone has said. This is absurd. Coming from a home where my mother was in this situation, I am appalled at the reactions society has to women in these situations. Maybe this is why MY mother stayed as long as she did.



There are so many reasons a woman does not leave because of abuse.

A guy who wants more than friendship, can easily mistake gratitude for love, and that's not a healthy thing at all. I get helping another human in need, but you have to keep a proper perspective on it.

It will be a long time before she is ready for a healthy relationship and then the OP may not be the one who gets the benefit of having what he wants. I think romance at this point would be unhealthy and destructive.

Now helping someone with no expectations of getting anything but gratitude is a different story. When one cannot help, then he should do no harm.

There are options in other words, and help, if there is a determined effort to take advantage of that help. A friend to support and help and encourage this effort, is a Godsend, and I think our OP's heart is in the right place.

To suggest that because others have not walked in her shoes, is a judgment of character, and a giant assumption that many of us here at AMHD don't know what we're talking about.

This is simply not true.

Advice is given in good faith, with the OP's best interests in mind. Disagree, or agree as you wish, but never, ever, be disrespectful to those of use who truly care about what goes on with women in abusive situations. Please allow some flexibility in your opinions maxaloneso.

Because you too were affected by abuse because your mother was in an abusive situation does not make you an expert, or even particularly knowledgeable in what is out there now to help women. Many of the women here have worked in, or volunteered in, or assisted with everything from feminist newspapers, to lecturing, to teaching, to social work, and everything in between.

If you do not care for a particular response, please just go on to the next one and express your own opinion in the most helpful way you can, without jumping to the conclusion that everybody else's contribution is wrong, because you disagree with it.

The only concern should be for the OP.

Oops! You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again


The only concern should be for the OP.

I'm 21 and she's 23. I'm not too worried about if it were to come to blows. I'm not stupid enough to start anything and end up in jail, but if he came near my house and tried to get into it with her there, it's self defense on my property and he wouldn't look the same after. He's a runty little 5'6 130 pound nothing. The only reason he does things like this to her or girls is because he can't to anyone else. Meanwhile I'm 6' 230 lbs, go to the gym 3 times a week, have played hockey my entire life been in fights etc etc. I'm more worried about what could happen to her.

As far as I know he hasn't yet beat her or anything along those lines. I know he's thrown her to the ground and all that but so far I don't think he's legit hit her. He does verbally abuse her badly though. Telling her things like no one would ever want her so why leave him, everyone hates your personality you're ugly etc. With him catching on a bit to this, however, whatever he said or did has her scared out of her mind because she is deftly afraid at the moment of him and what he said. That's what has me worried the most.

As far as the honesty thing goes, I've talked to people who has seen this happen. Her best friend has walked into the house in the middle of him screaming at her for not cleaning something up that day, etc. They DO live together, but it's in her stepdads place. He apparently is also a useless former drug addict that does nothing but smoke pot and sit around the house. He tells her all the time to kick him out but sees it as a "It's your problem" when she asks his help. He's also a bit of a perv towards her from what I understand as well.

I do agree on a few points that have been said though. I've asked her a dozen times, and I'm pretty good at telling when someone is lying to me, about whether she likes the attention that someone is showing and not me. I've asked and I've paid attention to her actions as well. From what I can tell she legitimately does like me as much as she says. She's all over me every time we hang out. She talks about how cute I am. She tells me how she's never liked anyone as much before and how it kills her not being able to talk or see each other as often with him being there and her having to tread softy. I do agree it may not be a good idea to start a relationship immediately after she does get out of there too. Something I'll speak to her about. Ultimately though the dogs AREN'T an excuse. One is about to have puppies and she can't take that anywhere else. She's a huge animal person and a lot of the time puts her dogs before even herself. Part of I assume no one showing her any real affection, but them until myself.

Ultimately I do agree with both sides of the argument though and I do appreciate the responses. I can't just lightly tell her "K i'm here for you". She's been through so much and been put and let down so many times I'd be negative too in my thinking. She's all for getting out and I truly don't believe will go back or anything. Nor do I believe is she the type of girl that thinks she "deserves it" or enjoys it. I do think she needs a friend to help her and give her that nudge. But I will tell her it's on her. I'll be there to help her through from start to end AS SOON as she's ready, but I won't force her. It'll be her decision, not mine, to start this and make it happen. I'll just be the tug to help along the way.

All you can do is wait then, and hope that he doesn't discover that there is another man in the picture because that would be hard on her.

It seems that the dog about to have puppies will take at least another two months of her being where she is. After that she'll probably need to take the dog and the puppies to a humane society because it doesn't sound like her boyfriend or her father is capable or likely to take over that task.

I think the immediate future after the puppies are born, is going to be a rocky road.

I hope you will post again as things progress.

Take good care of yourself.

I can understand going slowly with the flow, and cautiously know your limits. Decisions on what actions to take are best made with facts, not JUST feelings. NO DOUBT you will get more FACTS about her to guide you to a good decision, as a year isn't that long at all, to know someone well beyond the initial attraction. More is always revealed later.

As someone who was in an extremely abusive marriage I agree with her going to a shelter and getting counseling. There is much more to getting out than just leaving. There is the emotional ties to the abusers. At a shelter they will help her with the legal aspects, the emotional aspects and any counseling she will need. They will also advise her of all of her rights. The shelter I went to also has had locked doors and the police would go there quickly if trouble. She would be the safest there.
You can stay her friend but let her recover from the horror of the abusive home she was in. That way when and if she is ready your relationship will be so much stronger. If she wants out are you able to take the dog in? Can you find numbers of shelters in her area? Have her gather up important documents and things she will need before she leaves.
The most important thing you can do is let her know she has rights to be safe, she can be safe, and she can be happy. The emotional abuse that is tied with the physical abuse is the one thing that keeps you in the house. They convince you that you are nothing without them, you can not do it, that what they do they do out of love.
I do strongly advise you not to take her into your home UNLESS she can not go to a shelter or if she needs out now and the shelter is full. IF that is the case please please strongly suggest she goes to a support group and or counseling. She needs to heal to be a strong well rounded woman.
Thank you for not looking the other way.

Forgot to add it don't matter whether it is a slap, a punch a push etc it is all physical abuse. It really irks me when people say it was only a push or it was only an open handed slap.(I have heard both before). NO it does not as it is sill abusive and still affects the person mentally.

There are options in other words, and help, if there is a determined effort to take advantage of that help. A friend to support and help and encourage this effort, is a Godsend, and I think our OP's heart is in the right place.

To suggest that because others have not walked in her shoes, is a judgment of character, and a giant assumption that many of us here at AMHD don't know what we're talking about.

This is simply not true.

Advice is given in good faith, with the OP's best interests in mind. Disagree, or agree as you wish, but never, ever, be disrespectful to those of use who truly care about what goes on with women in abusive situations. Please allow some flexibility in your opinions maxaloneso.

Because you too were affected by abuse because your mother was in an abusive situation does not make you an expert, or even particularly knowledgeable in what is out there now to help women. Many of the women here have worked in, or volunteered in, or assisted with everything from feminist newspapers, to lecturing, to teaching, to social work, and everything in between.

If you do not care for a particular response, please just go on to the next one and express your own opinion in the most helpful way you can, without jumping to the conclusion that everybody else's contribution is wrong, because you disagree with it.

The only concern should be for the OP.

I did not mean to sound disrespectful or to sound like an expert in this field. I just have a little more first hand experience. I apologize for sounding disrespectful. I understand the advice is given in good faith. I guess it struck a nerve with me. Sorry about that all!

Thanks for that.

We have all been in the same position one time or other over the years. Some things just strike a nerve, and when it gets too personal, help isn't effective.

Take care.