Hi all,

I'm a healthy female age 30, married to a sailor 35. Married for 3 years. We have always been very sexualy active with each other and our intimacy is superb. Now here's my dilemma, my husband is gone a lot as for he's a active duty military man. He always request of me to send him nude pictures of myself, or when available via Skype, or phone call he wants to have phone sex ,video sex, or wants to sext. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that my DH continues to desire me while he's gone.

The problem is that for some reason, I have absolutely no desire to engage in such acts, it's not that I don't desire him, I love my baby dearly, when he's home I can't keep off him. I find my issue hard to handle because ,I know that I'm not giving my man what he needs. I don't know how to overcome my problem. When my DH requests such actions ,and I don't succumb, I feel horrible, and I know that I disappoint him. What to do? I don't want to lose my husband to someone who's willing to give him what he needs when he's gone. Occasionally I do send him pictures of me, and I do engage in his other requests, but I feel very uncomfortable, and I know that he knows.

He's currently deployed for the third time during our marriage. He asked at the beginning but now he has slowed down, honestly I'm worried. My questions/concerns are:

1) are his request normal?
2) is this typical with military, long distance relationships?
3) any suggestions for me?

Thanks in advance for your input

1 & 2) I would not say the request is abnormal. Sexual normality takes a wide range these days. I would think that a significant percentage of couples who find themselves apart for long periods do take advantage of technology to be closer.

On the other hand its also not abnormal for you to feel reluctant and uncomfortable about it.

3) I don't know if this will help. I don't know if your discomfort is being on camera or being on a phone/internet hookup. So one suggestion is to make films while he is home that he can take with him when he's away.

1 & 2) I would not say the request is abnormal. Sexual normality takes a wide range these days. I would think that a significant percentage of couples who find themselves apart for long periods do take advantage of technology to be closer.

On the other hand its also not abnormal for you to feel reluctant and uncomfortable about it.

3) I don't know if this will help. I don't know if your discomfort is being on camera or being on a phone/internet hookup. So one suggestion is to make films while he is home that he can take with him when he's away.


Thank you, I will definitely keep your suggestion in mind.I really like the idea since I know I will be in the right mind set having my husband present for the filming and photos.

All I can say is that it seems to be a growing trend among couples whether they are long distance or in the next room. It is what they are comfortable with doing so it makes it normal for them. It doesn't mean it is normal or comfortable for you.

He has probably backed off from making requests because he realizes you aren't comfortable and you will probably say no. It doesn't mean he is finding other playmates instead of looking up erotica/porn. There is a huge difference.

I am going to suggest you take some time to think about why you are not getting into the sexting, etc. The reason for this is to know your own thoughts and needs. You may find that sexting is too distracting, you are trying too hard to find ideas to turn him on and you are getting turned off, and/or you are feeling pressured and it is making you feel uncomfortable.

Once you know where your mind is, you can talk to your husband and be honest about your feelings and thoughts on the subject. Together look at compromises and how to gradually get to a point where you are both happy and comfortable.

Making tapes while he is home is a good idea for a compromise.

Do you like writing or telling stories? If so, writing down your fantasies as stories for him to read when he wants might be an idea. They can be thoughts of what you would like to do to and with him when he gets home or creating a world where you can explore ideas you find arousing. The difference with sexting is that you are allowing your imagination to run free without the pressure of making certain he is getting into what you are saying. You can take time to form your thoughts or change direction if you want. You aren't trying to keep up a 'conversation.'

One last tip, do not allow your imagination to feed any insecurities you might have. Any insecurities that pop up need to be squashed. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Trust him and the love you share.

Good luck.

I was going to say- why make tapes only when he is home- but being ex-USN I started wondering about what kind of trouble he might get into if those tapes etc were found in his possession during a surprise inspection which I am assuming they still might do (maybe more than ever). And who might be seeing the ones already sent in light of recent news on government eavesdropping etc? And these are foreign communications which the government can look at with basically no constraints.