When I was sixteen, I met this boy with a stupid name, but for this we will call him Lewis. I developed a bit of a crush on him whilst we used to hang out every day of college without fail. He was my best friend, I still remember us going to the college film awards together, climbing that fence, him giving me he his jacket.
I think I was reading into things when anything vaguely intimate happened because he was crazy about my best friend.
Later that year we drifted apart a bit and I was completely over it, an of course I ran into him at a friend's birthday party in October. I learnt nearly a year later that on that night, I was his first kiss.

It wasn't until May we really started chilling as friends again, and it was back to normal, until the last day of a-levels when we had sex and I lost my virginity, he'd only just broken up with a close friend of mine. I still kind of regret him being my first time because he was a to me and just wanted another girl and used me as a -toy. He almost got away with it too. I called it off just in time, but to this day I still suffer from low self esteem and low confidence because of it.

I went to University and it was a gone thing, in December last year he wasn't speaking to me when the friend group went out and I was furious that he was ignoring me for something I didn't do. I came back for the Summer in July, and just like that we are getting on brilliantly, we were such good friends when we are just friends.

I slept with him two days ago on his birthday, and he said we should just be friends. Just when I thought I was getting my confidence back, and now I can feel myself relapsing into bad habits of not eating and just being upset all the time. Wow I'm a mess. All my tears for him these past three years have been used up and I'm pretty numb to it all. I will always be his on the side, and never his girlfriend. No one makes me feel more ty about myself but... I'm just accepting it. I want him gone, but I can't shake him from my system.
We are refracting magnets and we will battle this to the very end.

Please don't judge me for being an idiot, because I'm aware, bottom line is there anything I can do?

You tell him you don't want to be his friend with benefits and stay away from him until you have self control around him.

He can't use you for sex unless you let him. Don't!

Two things, you cannot get confidence and self esteem by having sex, nor correct a past mistake, by repeating the mistake.

Stay away from the bum, and explore other healthier ways to get your confidence, like make friends and find activities you enjoy without a guy.

And magnets don't refract, they attract or repel. And friend make lousy lovers. Handle your new discovery of reality better by being good to yourself.

Two things, you cannot get confidence and self esteem by having sex, nor correct a past mistake, by repeating the mistake.

Stay away from the bum, and explore other healthier ways to get your confidence, like make friends and find activities you enjoy without a guy.

And magnets don't refract, they attract or repel. And friend make lousy lovers. Handle your new discovery of reality better by being good to yourself.

Thanks, you're right but I hope I can move away from him p.s that whole magnets thing is actually a line in my favourite poem - 40 love letters by Jeanne Verlee haha

You are not an idiot, he is the idiot. If he doesn't want you as more than a friend with benefits, then he shouldn't be able to have you at all. With your amount of passion and dedication, you could easily get someone better who recopricates your feelings. Move on from him and let him know you aren't going to be his toy anymore. Be strong girl!

It is easy to do what we are used to, and perhaps you may have wanted sex subconsciously. We are not mindless robots drawn into animal lust, we have the ability to make choices,

You have that choice

You are being way too hard on yourself. You don't have to be. But in a way you are setting your standards higher than what they have been. I don't think that is a bad thing at all. I agree with everyone else in that you should stay away from him. But also put it in perspective too and don't be so hard on yourself.

It is clear that he does not want a relationship with you. By hanging on, hoping for one, even it means just for sex, you are allowing yourself to be used. He is using you, and you are letting him.

You know the consequences of being with this man, yet you allowed it, just very recently. Now you say that it has had a very negative impact on your day to day life- not eating etc.

Move on. Find a man who is not involved with anybody else. Get to know him before hopping in the sack for a quick bootie call, and wondering what the 'h' happened afterward when he doesn't contact you again. Don't allow yourself to be in this position in the first place.

Learn what it is you need in a man, and in a relationship. Set your expectations and standards accordingly. Had you done that even last week, you wouldn't be lamenting what happened this week. Particularly because a similar situation happened before.

I hope you can find the good memories of the little time you spent with this fellow, and learn how to let the not so good memories pass. To allow him so much influence over how you feel about yourself (low self-esteem because of him I think you said), is giving away far too much to someone not worthy.

You are not an idiot, he is the idiot. If he doesn't want you as more than a friend with benifits, then he shouldn't be able to have you at all. With your amount of passion and dedication, you could easily get someone better who recopricates your feelings. Move on from him and let him know you aren't going to be his toy anymore. Be strong girl!

I really hope I can find the courage and self worth to say no. It's tough having him be so involved in my life at home because we reside in the same close knit group of friends in a small town, but when I go back to University he is just a memory.

I really hope I can find the courage and self worth to say no. It's tough having him be so involved in my life at home because we reside in the same close knit group of friends in a small town, but when I go back to University he is just a memory.

It would be difficult if you lived in a small town, but like you said when you go back to the University he will be just a memory, so try and focus on that instead of thinking of him (which will be difficult, but with friends and family they could help you) Get psyched and excited to be returning to your university! :)

Even in a small town do you have to hangout in a pack that he is a part of?