Where do I start, trying to cut a long story short.

My girlfriend and I have just recently split. It's amicable as we haven't fallen out, just very high emotions. My Ex does not deal with things very well and shuts away her feelings and emotions and will not talk about them. She says I mean the world to her and that she loves me. She says that it's over and she wants to be on her own so she can decide what she wants in life. I do love her from the bottom of my heart. We have always told each other we love one another and at first discussed a future and life together. We wish we had met each other years ago and felt we had met our soul mate. We seemed right for each other. This became hard as we do not live close to each other and circumstances for example money to travel had a big impact.

Ever since the start of the relationship, her ex-husband who cheated on her has played mind games and even assaulted her resulting in an injunction and court. Her ex-husband dragged it out over a long period to then plead guilty in court. This could have been prevented if he had pleaded guilty at first. My ex had been in a controlling relationship and she was afraid of what he may do. At first, he was seeing a woman over the road from their marital home. Emotionally ruining their children and playing games with all. I supported my ex-girlfriend throughout with no judgment on either party. At this point, she would come to see me at mine when possible. After about five months of our relationship I was at her house everyday supporting her and her children to be the best I could. My ex was on the verge of a breakdown. I felt that she needed the support.

This put a lot of strain on my ex and her children. Her ex has played mind games and has still tried to control everything throughout the whole time of our relationship. He would state that he would have his children when he wanted and no one would tell him when. I have tried to be supportive throughout but it got to a point where our relationship began to suffer due to her ex. My ex-girlfriend was unable to plan anything when her ex had the children as he would say that he would drop them off at a certain time. She would sit waiting for the children to be dropped off at that time and they would not return. She would call her ex and her ex would say I will drop them off later. Again, no time. This happened for the whole time of our relationship. My point is if she was planning to go out with friends, she would ask her ex to drop them off around a certain time or day. If I asked her to do the same so we could plan something, I would get a reply of, I don't want to ask him as he will kick off and I want to keep the peace. I understand what it's like to keep the peace as I have children of my own from a previous relationship. In some ways I felt that she was just making excuses. I must explain that two of her children are young adults and where emotionally in turmoil.

Her ex played games even with the children calling them and crying about everything still 3 years later. He would do this every time he had the children and this started to affect the children with anger and resentment. My ex felt guilty for all of this and I do understand that her children where number one priority. Again I would always be supportive.

Once she had become stronger in herself, I felt that I had been pushed aside a little. It seemed to get to a point in the relationship where all efforts and I could be wrong seemed to be only from myself. I had been made redundant after about a year and a half in and was having some emotional issues of my own with regards to my children, my own issues, my father passing away. I understand she had priorities but anything in my life that was happening; I had to go to her all the time. Even if I offered the money for fuel to come see me, she was unable to for whatever reason. If I never made plans to see her, we would never have seen each other. Unless I went to hers, I would not have seen her. Although I understood her priorities, even if I asked for her to come to mine for an hour, it seemed that she for whatever reason was unable to do it.

My son ended up having an operation and I asked her if she would come and support me. She went shopping with her friend and told me that she would have been really uncomfortable with my ex being there. It is amicable between me and my ex and her partner. It has always been amicable when my then girlfriend and my ex see each other. I needed some support myself and felt that she was making another excuse. Was I in the wrong?

I tried to talk to her about all of this and it always resulted in us arguing all the time. Her ex did start to annoy me with his emotional blackmails towards her and their children and I gave my opinion on all of this several times. I accused her of being selfish on a few occasions and that it was only me that made an effort. She is a selflessness person but I think we can all be selfish at some points in our lives. I also explained that I felt like we were not able to move forward with our life together. She had explained that she felt in the middle of it all, getting it from her ex-husband, her children and then eventually myself. I do understand that I had become selfish to some degree and was only looking at my own needs. I do not know if I was wrong for that?

We both also had financial difficulties throughout. In some ways, I felt she still defended her ex although I may have taken it out of context. She said that I always went on, which I probably did as everything just seemed to be brushed under the carpet and anything with regards to my feelings were not taken into account.

Sorry for the essay, it's a short version of things and events that have taken place. It's over now anyway to which I am heartbroken and gutted. Emotionally in turmoil myself now. I just wanted some advice on whether I was the only bad person in all of this?

Was I wrong for asking her for support?
Was she possibly making excuses or was it the circumstances all the time?
Was I just a long term rebound?

I could ask many questions. I would appreciate any advice and thank you for taking the time to read this.

I see you as someone who can't separate the wheat from the chaff. We really didn't need to hear more than one sentence about her ex. This is about you, and about your relationship with her. How she deals with him is strictly her concern, so why are we hearing all about their interactions?
To summarize, she is wrapped up in her self, her children, and her ex, for whatever reasons. If she won't talk about how it all fits in with the two of you, you accept it or leave.
There's no 'wrong' in asking for support. There's no 'wrong' in feeling that it was unfair to compare your ex with hers.
We are who we are. We express how we feel and what we want and need, and if the other person can't or won't work on it, and compromise and negotiate their wants and needs, we leave.
We also can't expect strangers to know the motives and thoughts of someone not even here. Keep in mind that your entire description of her is YOURS, not hers. Not saying it's true or not, because of course we all have our own version of the truth, and as the saying goes, it's usually somewhere in between.

I know there are two sides to every story and you are right in what you have said. I know I can't expect strangers to answer those questions. I can only answer those. I find it hard myself to know whether I am asking for advice or actually seeking the answers. Something I need to work on myself.

Thank you very much for your reply and for your honesty.

On top of all the exes and children, you don't live near each other. That is almost a guarantee that it won't work out. I almost missed that! It's no one's fault. I know that doesn't really relieve your pain though. Sorry.

With all the drama going on in her life, you are allowing yourself to become a part of it. Things for you and her will not change as long as you take second place to the ex.

The very least she needs is a court order for custody and visitation. She cannot keep the peace and provide a secure home for her children, if the ex is still calling the shots, and she wants to 'keep the peace'.

Why she allows her life to be dictated this way is beyond me.

For y our own sake, I encourage you to take a step back, and see what a mixed up, unhealthy life she leads, with her 'ex' still calling all the shots. She has to step up and do what she has to do to get control of her life, and not be subject to the conditions her ex decides to put on her.

Until that happens, I don't think it is a good idea to attempt a relationship with this woman.

You tried, but the experiment didn't work, so you accept it, heal and move on to the next adventure. Break up always suck when they don't work. Maybe the next one will.

Hint-Stay away from distance, baggage, and exes still too deeply involved with each other because of kids. That's no fun, and that's what dating I about. FUN, as you learn about each other. Fun with her is over.

I did become a part of the drama, emotionally and I know that is why it become harder to deal with. I tried my best.

I did feel second best to her Ex, which hurt the most and is what I tries to talk to her about. For almost three years I gave her my all and actually stopped focusing on myself. I couldn't understand why she still being dictated to and I become frustrated with that changing my attitude.

Thank you for you reply and for your wise words.

I like the way you put that, "The experiment didn't work".

I did try but to no avail. You are right, it should be about FUN and learning about each other.

Thank you for you input and advice.

You have to admit there were enough red flags from the very start that should have tempered your expectations, and kept you from putting to many eggs in her basket so soon.

Maybe you were a distraction from her hectic life and that's okay if you kept it in perspective. Maybe she was a welcome distraction in your life, and you got carried away. Seldom is a failed experiment the fault of one person. We just fail to see both sides. Its easier to blame than to claim some blame for ourselves, but be grateful for the opportunity, and you will have learned from the experience, and be better with the next experiment.

When you are ready.

Thank you for your advice. It makes sense in so many ways.

Its funny, as I used to joke with her about how I was only meant to be a distraction to help her through her troubled times. I made mistakes throughout and dealt with them in the incorrect way.

I know one thing for sure, I learnt an awful about myself throughout and self reflected on how I deal with things in a relationship and life in general.

As for hen I am ready, I will look for red flags and keep things in perspective.

Thank you again