I planned to ask this girl out that I worked with, but the day I decided to do so, I found out she was engaged. I immediately abandoned the thought and put everything off as mistaken friendliness. Then later, out of the blue she tells me how much I mean to her. Confused, I ask her to explain. She says that her fiancé has treated her bad for a long time and she's finally started rethinking everything and was considering leaving him for me.

We spend the next couple weeks talking a lot and hanging out, and in this time I find out they've only been together for a little over a year and he proposed right away (I'm guessing because his ex left him after 5 years and wanted to try to prevent that again). Eventually she says she decided to stay with him because he supposedly was getting better CONVENIENTLY as soon as she started rethinking things and she said she thought she owed him.

She wanted to stay friends, so I've still been hanging out, but then when hanging out with just her friends, they started revealing things she never told me like how he always yells at her and threatens any guy that gets close to her and he uses steroids and even told her he was going to give her some for her birthday (which he's yet to give her anything and actually made her cry on her birthday) and how he constantly cheats on her.

They've been telling her the entire time how horrible he is and how he cheats, but she always blows them off by saying she can't prove he cheats or trying to justify things, etc. Lots of things that ask sound like denial. I have no idea what to do. Even putting aside my feelings for her, I can't stand a good friend going through this and hurting themselves. What do I do?

YOU need to not be involved at all. Some women actually thrive on this type of behavior. They like the drama and attention. Some women stay because they feel stuck but she had a way out and said it with her own mouth that she wanted to leave him for you AND SHE DIDN'T.
At this point even if she did leave him you don't need this sort of drama, so be an ear, friend, whatever but do not go for any type of relationship where she thinks of you as a boyfriend.

Don't worry about the typos, your post is clear, and no one should have problems understanding it.

She's in a bad situation, I've been there before. For me, the first time I was abused, was the last time, because I left. I never even gave it a second thought. But not everyone is like that. Most abused women spend years, or their entire lives, with their abuser. They find it very hard to leave.

It could be that she's too afraid to leave him. He may have threatened her, that if she leaves, he'll find her and hurt her (that's just speculation, but it happens a lot in these types of relationships). She could just be that naïve person that really thinks he's going to change, that really believes him when he says he'll never do it again. Those are even more common than the first scenario.

Bottom line, you can be there for support, you can make sure that she knows that you'll do anything to help her if that's what she chooses, but you can't make her see him for what he is. You can't make her wake up and see the light. She has to come to this realization on her own, and it could be that she never will, that she'll marry this douche and spend the rest of her life in an abusive marriage.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. There comes a time that you have to accept that you can only do so much, that the other person has to meet you half way before you can help. That's what we go through on this site every single day. You can't force someone to see the truth, and that's the situation you're in right now.

I don't envy you that position. It's not an easy place to be. Sooner or later, you're going to come to the realization that you have to move on, live your life for you, and let her live the life she chooses, good or bad.

Sorry, I wish I had advice to make her understand, but that's simply not possible.

Good luck.

Bottom line, you can be there for support, you can make sure that she knows that you'll do anything to help her if that's what she chooses, but you can't make her see him for what he is. You can't make her wake up and see the light. She has to come to this realization on her own, and it could be that she never will, that she'll marry this douche and spend the rest of her life in an abusive marriage.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Good luck.

Exactly, if you interfere by trying to go talking her out of her relationship, bad mouth the guy, or anything that looks like you are anything but neutral to their relationship you could very well end up being seen as the bad guy. She has to get to that point. She needs a counselor that's not emotionally tied to the situation that can explain red flags and all the games people like him play.

Make yourself scarce because you cannot make her issues yours. She won't listen to friends, nor will she listen to you but you are already her emotional tampon to ease the pain of being with an abuser.

Why are you even hanging out with a person that has someone already?


She says that her fiancé has treated her bad for a long time and she's finally started rethinking everything and was considering leaving him for me.

I hope you see how bad a decision this would be fore you with an unhealthy person jumping from a bad relationship to any relationship with no help, or a time to heal.


They've been telling her the entire time how horrible he is and how he cheats, but she always blows them off by saying she can't prove he cheats or trying to justify things, etc. Lots of things that ask sound like denial.

It also makes what she has told you and her friends a LIE. He does know and believe he isn't boyfriend material. I would keep a safe distance from this one and not be drawn too deeply into her world.

She isn't healthy enough for a healthy relationship, OR friendship. As long a she stays on an unhealthy path, she is poison.

Make yourself scarce because you cannot make her issues yours. She won't listen to friends, nor will she listen to you but you are already her emotional tampon to ease the pain of being with an abuser.
Why are you even hanging out with a person that has someone already?

You mean why was I wanting to ask her out? Cause otherwise there's no reason I can't be friends with someone who's engaged. As for asking her out, I never new she was engaged until she told me before I managed to ask her out.

To the others, thanks. I've been rejected a ton this year, many for other guys, so getting over a rejection isn't that hard for me anymore. It's more maybe just my nature of always wanting to make sure everyone I care about is happy and safe. I don't plan on shaking her by the shoulders and yelling in her face or anything like that lol but because of wanting to keep her, like I would anyone I care about, from being abused and hurt, I can't help but feel like I need to do something evergreen though I realize there's nothing I can really do without being the bad guy.

I can mend myself esteem as time goes, but I don't think I'll be able to stop worrying lol

She is involved, and still with another man. I don't know if she's still engaged to him or not, or if that is still part of her relationship with him down the road.

You have had many rejections as you said, and getting over a rejection isn't all that hard for you anymore. Have you been in similar situations as the one you are in now?

It is very honourable that you care about people, to such an extent, and that you can put your rejection from her not now wanting you as a boyfriend, and turn that into a friendship.

But is this a good situation for you? If her friends have told you about this man, and none of it sounds good- although it is second hand- why is she still keeping you in the picture, particularly if there could be harm coming your way because of it.

I would not encourage a friendship under these circumstances. As long as she is not free and clear, and wanting to jump from him to you, as she told you the first go round, the whole pattern is likely to repeat itself.

You have had many rejections as you said, and getting over a rejection isn't all that hard for you anymore. Have you been in similar situations as the one you are in now?

Not quite the same. I fawned over a girl for a while before asking her out, but she turned me down cause she was afraid of getting emotionally hurt again after her ex, so instead we just hung out as friends, but eventually she said she was finding it hard to not want to go out with me so I just told her to take her time to think about it and in the meantime we could just hang out like normal. Unfortunately I got myself way too emotionally involved so after a few months when she decided to date again, she chose to go out with a different guy. That one definitely hurt the most, though in the end she's now my best friend, so I guess there was a silver lining.

Then the girl after that turned me down even though she was waiting for me to ask her out because I waited too long and ended up asking a few days after someone else already did.

Then finally started dating a girl who was unfortunately 40 minutes outside of town so we didn't get to see each other much in the 4 months we were together, and she broke up with me not too long after telling her I loved her because she decided she didn't feel as strong as she should at that point.

And now this girl, so, yeah, hasn't been a very good year for me, relationship-wise lol hasn't left me feeling all that great each time, but it's at least gotten gradually easier to ignore.

As for her keeping me around, like I said, we are still friends. She wanted to stay friends, but she left the decision up to me. I'd feel pretty ty abandoning someone I cared about because they're in denial. I'm not too worried about being used, I know it's hard to gauge how someone is based on a handful of things someone tells you, but she's not a bad person. Just young and nieve and horribly in denial.

This girl sounds like bad news, not to mention that she is with someone.
She says that her fiance has treated her bad for a long time and she's finally started rethinking everything and was considering leaving him for me.

This is a big red flag. Had you two even been out? She was considering leaving him for you? That is crazy. She says he has treated her bad but she refuses to believe he cheats. This girl is not stable and according to rumors he is violent, you need to stay far away from this mess.