wantingtolearn
Aug 13, 2013, 12:49 AM
I am at a complete loss as to who to talk to about this so I hope at least one person here can give me insight...
I have been with my fiancé for almost four years and we have been engaged for almost two of them. We are supposed to be getting married in a month and a half.
Our relationship started pretty badly. I went through a very bad depression for two or so years due to major changes in my life and I was not the best girlfriend. I admit that I was abusive to him because I was self destructing. He stood by me the entire time but eventually he became worn out. Our relationship has devolved pretty badly.
For the past year or so things have gotten much better for me. I have started taking care of myself again, going to therapy and taking medication. As I improved, I figured he would recognize that our relationship was getting better. Instead, he has remained completely shut down, which makes me shut down. Each time I open up to him, it ends badly. He either blames himself or we get into fights and in any case I'm often left feeling completely alone and abandoned by him.
Tonight I wanted to talk to him about my fears of getting married to him. I'm afraid I'm getting involved with something that won't work. This started a fight about how he never gets what he needs and as a result, he won't give me what I need. He also said that each time he's been open with me, I've just abused him.
Our communication is horrible. I have been more open, honest and positive then I have been in a long time and he refuses to believe or see it. He constantly tells me that I am never happy to hear from him (we live apart) when he calls. I'm pretty introverted and keep my emotions pretty well guarded. He constantly asks me "what's wrong" when in fact I'm just being myself.
We tried couples counseling. Most of the time he dominated the sessions talking about his family issues. When I was able to speak up about my pov on our relationship issues, he would get very upset and take it outside of the session. A few weeks ago he told me that I felt better going to counseling at the expense of him.
He's been very negative for the last three or so weeks. He has nothing positive to say, always complaining to me. This really turns me off and I try to stick around him while shutting him out. He picks up that I'm unhappy and when I explain why, he gets annoyed or whatever.
I'm at my wits end. He has issues with his family and there has been a lot of drama with him lately. I don't know if this is effecting our relationship. I feel like he often takes out his issues on me and when I point it out, he gets offended. I told him tonight that if he doesn't take a look at himself, he'll be repeating the issues in his family. He told me he didn't want to see me tomorrow.
He constantly tells me I don't take responsibility for my actions. Yes, this is true when I was depressed. Yes, I have tried to atone for them, apologizing for my mistakes and hurtfulness but I feel like I'm being punished for them. I still get depressed- I've had a lifetime of it- and whenever it hits and he happens to have something good going on, he screams at me about not being supportive.
What's so frustrating is both of us want to be together, supposedly. I seem to be the one always messing up and as a result, I'm always the one calling him to apologize and plead for his forgiveness. He hasn't called me to apologize in years.
What do I do now? I think we want the same thing? I think we both want to be together but we want to be happy. What do I do? Please, help.
I have been with my fiancé for almost four years and we have been engaged for almost two of them. We are supposed to be getting married in a month and a half.
Our relationship started pretty badly. I went through a very bad depression for two or so years due to major changes in my life and I was not the best girlfriend. I admit that I was abusive to him because I was self destructing. He stood by me the entire time but eventually he became worn out. Our relationship has devolved pretty badly.
For the past year or so things have gotten much better for me. I have started taking care of myself again, going to therapy and taking medication. As I improved, I figured he would recognize that our relationship was getting better. Instead, he has remained completely shut down, which makes me shut down. Each time I open up to him, it ends badly. He either blames himself or we get into fights and in any case I'm often left feeling completely alone and abandoned by him.
Tonight I wanted to talk to him about my fears of getting married to him. I'm afraid I'm getting involved with something that won't work. This started a fight about how he never gets what he needs and as a result, he won't give me what I need. He also said that each time he's been open with me, I've just abused him.
Our communication is horrible. I have been more open, honest and positive then I have been in a long time and he refuses to believe or see it. He constantly tells me that I am never happy to hear from him (we live apart) when he calls. I'm pretty introverted and keep my emotions pretty well guarded. He constantly asks me "what's wrong" when in fact I'm just being myself.
We tried couples counseling. Most of the time he dominated the sessions talking about his family issues. When I was able to speak up about my pov on our relationship issues, he would get very upset and take it outside of the session. A few weeks ago he told me that I felt better going to counseling at the expense of him.
He's been very negative for the last three or so weeks. He has nothing positive to say, always complaining to me. This really turns me off and I try to stick around him while shutting him out. He picks up that I'm unhappy and when I explain why, he gets annoyed or whatever.
I'm at my wits end. He has issues with his family and there has been a lot of drama with him lately. I don't know if this is effecting our relationship. I feel like he often takes out his issues on me and when I point it out, he gets offended. I told him tonight that if he doesn't take a look at himself, he'll be repeating the issues in his family. He told me he didn't want to see me tomorrow.
He constantly tells me I don't take responsibility for my actions. Yes, this is true when I was depressed. Yes, I have tried to atone for them, apologizing for my mistakes and hurtfulness but I feel like I'm being punished for them. I still get depressed- I've had a lifetime of it- and whenever it hits and he happens to have something good going on, he screams at me about not being supportive.
What's so frustrating is both of us want to be together, supposedly. I seem to be the one always messing up and as a result, I'm always the one calling him to apologize and plead for his forgiveness. He hasn't called me to apologize in years.
What do I do now? I think we want the same thing? I think we both want to be together but we want to be happy. What do I do? Please, help.