Been with my boyfriend for over 4 years. We are getting married in 5 months. He was single when we met but started to see the ex again behind my back. They were confused and tried, but he never let go of me and never told me. He was running a double life. When I found out I dumped him. He had always used the son as an excuse to disappear and I got suspicious and found out.

He begged for months and we got back. He said he was really sorry. As a punishment the ex took the son away from him. We have been together only the 2 of us for 2,5 years. No ex and no kid.

He fought back for the kid in the court and now he sees him 4 times a week, but as a condition was that she had to be present for 6 months so they can adapt.

He has asked me kindly not to call when they meet because he can get in trouble. They spend from 4 to 9 hours together and I can't be around. And we are talking almost every day like that for 6 months!

I got so mad I exploded. I cried and was totally broken. He says I am childish and not being supportive. He is an angel with me when we are together. I feel like I am being treated like less that dust, and I have nothing to say. Nothing.

I am thinking about leaving him. Am I wrong in not tolerating this. It is the big damage ever done to the relationship. Been to the shrine to handle it because it lasted for so long, and now she is in my house and I can't be around.

The arrangement he has with his ex- have you actually seen the court order that she has to be present and supervise his visits with his son?

And why does this take place in your home- and why does your boyfriend have to be supervised at all. And you have to leave your home?

This does not sound right to me. If he needs to be supervised by his ex, why not meet at least most of the time, with his parents, or her parents, or a close family friend of theirs.

I think you are being fed a line of garbage over this court agreed upon transition with his father. Why wouldn't YOU be present, as you are obviously going to be in the larger picture when he does have his son visiting your home.

Maybe get more facts on this arrangement, and tell them to meet somewhere else.

Then change the locks.

I agree that this doesn't sound right. Typically supervised visitation is done by a party other than the other parent. Rarely is supervised visitation set up so that the custodial parent supervises the visitation with the non-custodial parent.

If you are getting married in 5 months, one would think that he would want you in this child's life to make the transition to a blended family easier.

I think someone is trying to pull the wool over your eyes. Time to tell him to hit the bricks.

I used a wrong word. She is not suppose to monitor, but be there so that the son can adapt to be with the father again after such a long time. If she yealls or whatever her mummy is there, and they thought 6 months was OK. The court had said it could be less if she saw that they were doing fine.

The child is 6 years old, correct? Regardless, rarely is a custodial parent present for supervised visitations. It's usually a non-custodial party such as an aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather. Rarely are both parents required to be together for visitation, supervised or not.

I still think you are being played.

This is not a normal custody or visit. I have never seen or heard of a court ordiering this.

I would want to see it in writing in the court order, my feeling, is they are lying to you, so that they can still see each other

The child is 6 years old, correct? Regardless, rarely is a custodial parent present for supervised visitations. It's usually a non-custodial party such as an aunt or uncle, grandmother or grandfather. Rarely are both parents required to be together for visitation, supervised or not.

I still think you are being played.

Thanks for the answer. I realized the topic was very misleading. She is not there to supervise. She is there for the son since the son hasn't seen the dad for a very long time. She is there so that the son can adapt to the situation of being with the father again. Then after 6 months he will be alone with the son.

Still not normal, maybe a few visits, something still does not sound right, again, have you seen the actual order.

If it is, then your boyfriend had the worst attorney ever.

It sounds like the mother got her way and he is playing her game for the moment. How much longer is the 'transition' period? Did the court spell out the rules or is she making them up? For example: Not allowing you to be present or call.

Have you sat down and talked with him about this? What has he said about how he feels and what the custody/visitation arrangements will be once the transition period is over?

I can understand your concerns. But I think he is afraid of making a wrong step and losing his child again. If she is adding restrictions and saying that she will make certain he never sees the child again if he doesn't do exactly as she says, then he needs to go back to court.

I am concerned about how you feel about the child. Can you be a step-mother and treat him as a separate entity from his mother and the mess his parents have created? He is going to be in your life from now on and if you harbor any resentment or anger toward him, then let the both of them go.

I still think there is something fishy going on, and so do you. If you didn't, you wouldn't have asked the question. Correct?

Two or three visits with a 6 year old are appropriate. Six months? Well, too much unless it's an infant.

I think you know this, but your heart is over-ruling your head.

Yes. 6 months is a very long time! It doesn't make any sense. I did tell him that too, but he gets angry with me. Says I have to understand. She has never said to him that he can't answer phone calls. He doesn't dare to do it he says. If they go to a play court they sit and talk together for many hours. I feel very bad about this. He cheated on me with her. I haven't slept more than 10 hours in 3 days and eaten one meal a day. He knows I struggle but he thinks I am being immature and childish. I think she does this to make his life difficult. She doesn't know we are together. We live in his dad's house and we are 4 so she never enters where the rooms are. He doesn't want her to know since its such a delicate subject. That's why I can't call, why he doesn't answer and why I have to stay away for the coming months. Nomatter wheter she knows him and me are still together or not she make his priavte life imposible

I can understand supervised visit and a lott of this. The her having to do the supervising and you are not to be present---BS! You are getting married in 6 months so son should be adapting to you as well. My suggestion is tell him face to face and catch his reaction "since you have this 6 month adaption think we need to put the wedding off until next summer."

It goes without saying that I don't know any of you.
There are usually three sides to every story.
Your side, the other side and the absolute truth is usually somewhere in the middle.
I think you need to see the actual court ordered agreement, because this does seem very odd. My children had supervised visitation when young for a very good reason, but the supervisors were the grandparents. I've never known anyone who's supervisor was the custodial parent.
It could very well be that she is using the son as a pawn, it could also be that she is overstepping her bounds because of a suspicious nature.
Do you have a relationship with the mother at all?

Yes. 6 months is a very long time! It doesnt make any sense. I did tell him that too, but he gets angry with me. Says I have to understand. She has never said to him that he can't answer phone calls. He doesn't dare to do it he says. If they go to a play court they sit and talk together for many hours. I feel very bad about this. He cheated on me with her. I havent slept more than 10 hours in 3 days and eaten one meal a day. He knows I struggle but he thinks I am being immature and childish. I think she does this to make his life difficult. She doesnt know we are together. We live in his dad's house and we are 4 so she never enters where the rooms are. He doesnt want her to know since its such a delicate subject. Thats why I can't call, why he doesnt answer and why I have to stay away for the coming months. Nomatter wheter she knows him and me are still together or not she make his priavte life imposible

This is where the largest red flag is. He needs to be honest with her now. Not later.

If she doesn't know about you and the up-coming wedding, then he is playing games. Probably not to be with her, but using her feelings and emotions to get what he wants. At the same time he is not being a good partner to you. It is a damaging and deceitful game. Even after the six months, he will still have to work with the mother in raising the child. His actions are potentially making things worse for the future.

I am still worried about how you will handle dealing with the child. The father and mother issues aside, how do you feel about the child? Can you be fair to him?

Wait-how did I miss that? He is playing games with you both and sadly this child will get caught up in the fray.
You deserve to known as a significant person in his life and she deserves to know who her child is exposed to while in his fathers' care.
How old are the involved parties? This situation is being handled poorly.

OP said it in above follow up reply above. Yes that is the big red flag

They are in the mid 30s. I have nothing to do with her at all. I was fooled before for the whole beginning of the relationship while he was seeing both. They are not suppose to be talking about their private life when they are together according to the agreement. My boyfriend thinks she has a boyfriend now. He tells me not to worry at all, that I have to trust him. I just can't imagine how this is going to work for 6 months being hidden like that again. He says he doesn't hide me, but that he prefers to keep it as quiet as possible not to make a wrong step.

I "hate" her because I have many strong memories and she is for me something I assosiate with the hardest time of my life. She did some very cruel things to me before too when she thought I was trying to take her boyfriend away ( that was when I had no idea they were living together). She had feeling something had been going on between him and me and told very bad rumours about me to everybody she knew in my company. Sent emails about me included to my boss. Things that were not true. I can't stand this woman. It is like as if a ghost has appeared after years. I also know that the main fault in this my boyfriend has it. He knows I have struggled and still he agreed to go through with this arrangement. Of course to see the son. And me I have to take so much, like an enternal punching bag.

I'm thinking he could be hiding you because one of get stipulations may be that you be out of his life

I think you are ignoring the big red flag as to how he handles his personal business especially with the ones closest to him. He lies, cheat, and is dishonest with you, her, and his on.

Marry him in 5 months and you will be subject to even more of this drama. You have been warned.

Can't wait for the ex wife to find out about you. MO' Drama!

Another thing is of course that he is pushing him for as much money she can. Asked for 20 000 dollars. He had not paid child support after he got unemployed and a student. I helped him a lot. I sacrificed and got him the job I had one vacation. I had savings so it wasn't urgent and took some courses instead over the vacation. I wonder how some woman manage to just know what they want and ignore their feelings. I kind of admire that, because I never feel anything I do benefits me in the end, it just the other way around. He asks me to be patient, but how is that possible when he gets into more debts and trouble. Maybe his life is just way to troubled and I refuse to give up. I have am not used to giving up, always think that where there is will there is a way. 4 years and we are back to where we started.

Don't think of it as giving up, think of it as an investment in yourself.

I decided to finish it. He said yesterday he could not live without me, that I am everything to him. Today is Sunday, a day we always share and he did not even tell me he had planned to be with the son. I said I had to talk to him. This is not a life anyone can live. It has been Thursday, Friday, Saturday and now Sunday too. Usually we can discuss and find a solution when things go wrong in the relationship, but I have no power to negotiate on this. It is either to take it or leave it and nothing in between.

4 years of my life, the best he took them from me. But it better late than never.

I can't understand his family. The mom always supporting the relationship with me and always talking to him as if he should move on with his life and start over with me. She wanted us to move to the country she is living. And suddenly she is has been the one negotiating with the ex and she calls me to ask when we will get a house on our own and that she will move back there. They seem confused all of them. They had even asked him wheter he was going to tell me about the ex having to be around, and he had said of course because he did not want to hide anything from me. That tells me that they all know that this is not something to take.

One thing I've learned by this is that people manipulate and that the world is nothing like the house I grew up in. People can live lies and be experts in manipulating others. I think one crazy person will always end up driving the couple crazy too. A home with no pureness in thoughts and feelings will be a home where nobody feels at home without drama because that is what they are used too. His mom has cheated on her husbond. His sister is always cheating and his father has 2 broken marriages and drinks ceveral times a week.

I used to underestimate the importance of the childhood, but I have learned that I see the world through the eyes of my parents more or less. We share the same values, and they have a very high moral. His parents can talk about what is right and wrong on an intellectual level, but they don't follow up in actions.

I think they don't understand that it is not only a child involved, but as well a woman with emotions, flesh and blood just like them. They see, they know, but nobody speaks up.

I have been at home today for 4 hours while they have been somewhere I don't even know.

I can't believe it. It is insane. And I also see how much power a woman get by getting pregnant. It is scary. I was so strict on the pills not to end up pregnant, because I thought the best is to wait until both are stable and well established. Now I see that this is what I won by that. No marriage, no children and having to be dumped after 4 years. She got pregnant because she " forgot" to take pills for 14 days.

I hope there is someone out there to brink back the old me, the good in me by giving me attention, love, respect and stability. I have moved mountaing for my boyfriend and he can't move a finger for me. He shouted to me yesterday in the fight we had that I was stupid and that his friend also thought I was stupid and annoying and that I deserve a punch in the face. He plays with my mind because I try to get some attention because I get nothing, no time. And instead of admitting he is wrong he makes me think I am the one to blame. He also said that the things would be different if I hadf accepted to marry him 2 years ago when he asked right after all the drama. He says I had my chanse and that he would have been willing to move with me to another state and start over with me. Now since I said no I have to blame it on myself.

It sounds as if you are better off in your choice.
But in your last post I sense a feeling of loss on your part, a loss of precious time, a loss of part of the essence that is you.
You also are expressing disappointment in human nature, all very understandable.
Rest assured that you are not alone, many have spent time in relationships that were best ended long before they actually did.
Most people have been disappointed at one time or another in the actions of others.
The best you can do is keep your head up, and not allow yourself to be drawn back in.
If this is their character, it will not change.
But keep in mind that talking to a counselor or other non-biased person about the way it has left you feeling is perfectly valid, sometimes you just need someone to help you put everything into perspective.
I only mention this because I recognize it and it is a pretty lonely place for a while, but it doesn't have to be.

It sounds as if you are better off in your choice.
But in your last post I sense a feeling of loss on your part, a loss of precious time, a loss of part of the essence that is you.
You also are expressing disappointment in human nature, all very understandable.
Rest assured that you are not alone, many have spent time in relationships that were best ended long before they actually did.
Most people have been disappointed at one time or another in the actions of others.
The best you can do is keep your head up, and not allow yourself to be drawn back in.
If this is their character, it will not change.
But keep in mind that talking to a counselor or other non-biased person about the way it has left you feeling is perfectly valid, sometimes you just need someone to help you put everything into perspective.
I only mention this because I recognize it and it is a pretty lonely place for a while, but it doesn't have to be.

Thank you.

I have become a bitter woman in some ways. I do believe there are many good men. I have always thought of myself as good, never been calculated and done what is right. In this relationship there has been some horrible fights, and instead of talking there has been several insults. I have never called him stupid but he called me that last night. He said people say I am, and he says that's why I get nothing out of my life and don't work. It hurts a lot to hear it. He said many nasty things before he came back to say he loves me more than anything. I am so tired emotionally. Probably he is too and this love has turned into a love hate relationship. But enough about all that. With my ex I was never fighting bad and I was the old me, he used to say I was the most humble and gente woman he had met. With my current one I am angry, bitter and we fight a lot more. It is very intense the whole thing, and I hate how he always comes telling me how pretty I am when he wants something or when he has been mean. Then I am pretty, his whole world he can't live without etc, we have sex and we are "fine". Its like hot and cold water all the time.

You definitely were unequally yoked. Him being dysfunctional and you wanting a 'normal' life. Its not a waste because Its life lessons and what you learn. Take that anger and hurt and determine that you will not fall for just any guy, look for one that has goals like your own.

Haven't had the talk yet, but I told his mother how I feel about it all. I don't want anyone to believe it is because of the daughter and I know my boyfriend will blame it on me later instead of admitting his own mistakes. I was very neutral and reasonable and polite. I will tell him when he wakes up. Before sleeping he told me he was having a flu and needed my support. I can't believe him even coming like that wanting hugs and love when he knows I am at home crying for days. Instead of coming home with flowers or inviting for dinner he is suddenly the one to require my consolidation. He did not say he loves me as he usually does. I think he wants this to end too.

Well. New update on this. It helps to write, and it helps with comments.

He told me today he feels so sick today, the first day without the son since Wednesday and he is too sick to stand up of bed. And me who wanted to talk to him can't! He wants me to make him soup. Made him soup but got disappointed and upset because I put onions. He asked me rude why I ask him so many questions when I know he has a throut infection. I just left the room and said he can talk to me whenever he feels better. I kind of hate him more and more. They had been to the pools yesterday, but the ex was in the cafeteria while they were swimming. I can't understand why she has to come along at all. Doesn't she have anything better to do. I so doubt this is for the son, it is just to make his relationship imposible. The mother responded today and told me the same thing. That 6 months is nothing but a manipulation, that the son loves me and almost begging me not to leave him. After seeing his attitude today there is nothing else I want to do.

I thought you broke up with this looser? Look, lady, he's stringing you along. Have some self respect.

He also asked me if I was still in love with him. I didn't really reply to the question. Just said that nobody is in love after many years. The mom says she feels sorry for him since he loves me but lives under the manipluations of the ex. I guess it was a bad idea to write to her. It is sorry for him in that sense that his life is screwed for 6 months to some extent, but so is mine for the moment. At least he gets to play with the son, forgets that I exist and is happy. I don't think he suffers a bit. I think it is unfair to expect me to hold on to this awful rollercoaster.

Yes. But the first thing I wake up to, so well prepared for the whole break up scenario sees him sick with fever. I have to wait until it passes and I will drop the bomb. Maybe later today.

Give him an aspirin and pack your bags.

Tell him to get over himself and he can make his own soup in his own kitchen.

You are being played like a deck of cards. Time to fold up and leave.

His fever I would prefer to have it ten times more than to be heart broken every day. His lack empaty goes to the extreme. Late night yesterday he asked - and you, how are you? And I said I am not so fine neither, but that we can talk about tomorrow. And he only goes on and on about how sick he is after being in the pools yesterday and how little he has been eating and sleeping. He only sees himself in this and I deleted him on Facebook some days ago after a fight, and he hasn't even noticed. I don't think he will even notice that I am packing my bags in front of his eyes. Will probably ask why I am taking vacations without him. It is crazy.

He isn't dying. You don't need to have a talk. You are under no obligation to explain or listen to his weak excuses. UGH! GO OUT THE DOOR and don't look back.

PS: Onions are good for anything that ails you, so he's even more of an idiot.

I see you making excuses. I don't see that you are serious enough to get out of this two-timing relationship.

Either you want out, or you don't. You can't have it both ways sister.

I packed up my stuff, 4 kids and my dog. Left Texas, drove 4 days. Back to Pennsylvania. He never noticed until I happened to be walking through my parents front door. You are beating yourself up against a Wall if you stay

Haha, exactly that's why I put the onions... and indeed I had to explain him it was meant for the best since onions help

I am serious about it. I want to wake him up and tell him, but I want him to suffer in the right way. To leave when he is sick is " wrong", so I will do it the correct way even though he doesn't deserve it.

and indeed I had to explain him it was meant for the best since onions help

Huh? Onions help what? Keep the soup hot longer? Keep the breath smelling bad longer?

No, you aren't serious. If you were, you wouldn't have waited this long.

I packed up my stuff, 4 kids and my dog. Left Texas, drove 4 days. back to Pennsylvania. He never noticed until I happened to be walking thru my parents front door. You are beating yourself up against a Wall if you stay

That I admire. When time is right and things are bad enough most of us have an inner strength to do what is right for us, some sort of survival instinct that kicks in. We have to see it ourself, understand that this is it and go. My boyfriend manipulates a lot and is very convincing. I know this is not life for me. Tomorrow he has the son again and I don't want to live through another day of it.

Huh? Onions help what? Keep the soup hot longer? Keep the breath smelling bad longer?

No, you aren't serious. If you were, you wouldn't have waited this long.
Maybe he is allergic to onions??

Huh? Onions help what? Keep the soup hot longer? Keep the breath smelling bad longer?

No, you aren't serious. If you were, you wouldn't have waited this long.
Maybe he is allergic to onions??

Oh, so she wants to kill him? I don't think so.



My ex cheated on me. We had 2 sons. When I found out about it I didn't wait 24 hours before I was out of the door and gone. It's been 24 years now and I have never looked back. Never questioned my decision, and am better now than I ever would have been had I stayed with him.

Your man cheated on you, and is still cheating on you, yet you slept in the same bed last night and are using his "supposed" illness as an excuse. Girl, you need to get a backbone!

Maybe he is allergic to onions??????

No, he has a flu, and some people say onions help fight the flu.

He is not allergic, he jut doesn't like them in certain food. And since we don't have soup that often I forgot he doesn't like them in soup.

Excuses, excuses. He's playing you and your falling for it.

I'm done. I can't help you if you don't want help.

Excuses, excuses. He's playing you and your falling for it.

I'm done. I can't help you if you don't want help.

I need to log off now no matter what. I am leaving him tonight. I have made up my mind. I don't like him anymore. I don't like what he doing to me, and how he answers me. He is unpolite, broke, cinical and a coward. He breaks his promisses and no matter if he cheats on me now or not, it is not even important. There are enough of other reasons to go. I can't stand his attitude and have had plenty of time to think about it so this is nothing I do in the heat of the moment. I am not sure if I even love him any more, at least I do not respect him a bit, and don't admire him at all. I don't want my future here trapped in troubles and I don't like his face.

Thanks for every comment and advice.

Id leave before the soups done. As I always say no forwarding address.

Done! I went to the room and asked him for 2 minutes of his time.Told him I can't be with him any longer. Told him I am tired of being excluded and treated as if I am a stranger in his house. That I had made up my mind after thinking it through. I said OK. And then he said OK. I went to a friend's house. My next step is to be strong and not look back.

I hope you are strong enough to hold out.

Ok in my book shows he was just waiting for you to get tired of everything and leave, Very likely he was treating you the way he has because he wanted you to leave rather than have to tell you to go.

Yes, been thinking the same. I also said to him that -I am sure you know why I am tired of this.
The only confusing thing is why after the fight we had a day or 2 ago that he couldn't imagine his life without me, that I am the prettiest woman in the world and that we love each other and that he will "die" without me.

He treats me as if he wants me to leave, but then in between he overwhelms me with his love for me in words. Many words and little action. He has really treated me like air, totally ignored me and still he tells me I am acting like a child for fighting for his attenting when I got 0 attention, having the ex he cheated on me with him, and telling me even that I am stupid and that people say I am stupid and that he wanted to punch me in the face for being annoying. What on the planet does he think I am? Yes, he has a child and yes he has to come first, but that does not mean he can have me as a pet in the house. I even think a pet gets more love and affection than I have seen the son got back in his life. During this time we only had sex one time and that was the make up sex after a nasty fight. He became a big jerk after the son got back into the life. Not the fault of the son. Only he who suddenly changed and became totally indifferent when it came to be. I even think my new neighbour cares more about me than my own boyfriend who I was going to marry.

I think he is messing with the ex again. He sounds like a jerk at any rate and I hope you have left for good. No one can treat you this poorly without your allowing it.
Stay strong and stay away from him.