So I am a 23 year old woman. I have been in a committed relationship with my 26 year old boyfriend for two years. Within a few months of our relationship, he explained that he was still a virgin and that it was because he just hadn't found the right person. That same night, he told me that he was in love with me.

Obviously assuming that I was 'the right one', I was half expecting us to be ready to have sex soon after that very conversation. There was part of me that thought it might be a bit longer, as it would be his first time and I was fine with that. I have never pressured him and don't really plan to as the last thing I want is to push him away.

Suddenly we are two years down the line, and after many occasions where I was sure it would happen to then be disappointed, I'm starting to to really worry. We have spoken about it on many occasions where I voice my insecurities and try to understand what he is going through. He blamed many different factors at different times: General tiredness; fear of his performance; depression; fear of his roommate overhearing, etc. I tried to reason that we have heard his roommate at it and that hasn't affected their relationship, so why wouldn't that be the same for us.

For the more serious issues, I've suggested talking to someone, anyone, his GP if he is genuinely worried about his mental health or his ability perform. He said he would but hasn't and it makes me wonder if he really does want to be with me and just doesn't have the cajones to break up with me. I don't what else to say on the matter, I feel that my patience is running out, I cry whenever there is a sex scene in a movie and think 'Why can't we have that, is it me?'. And yet don't want to pressure him into anything.

I love him so much but this driving me crazy, it's not just about sex, it's where our relationship might be heading. He talks about marriage and family but I want kids, how do I know he will ever be ready. The insecure teenage version of me is slowly but surely making a comeback and the I don't want to become that girl. I have asked if it's to do with waiting till marriage and he said that wasn't it. I have tried initiating but he always says no.

Does anybody have any advice? I want to be patient and supportive but then I'm just burying my feelings.

You've put a good amount of thought into this. I see a few red flags coming up, being most of his excuses for why he doesn't want to have sex with you. A lot of them are valid concerns, but a lot of them are his issues to contend with, not yours. You really need to divorce the ideas of his desire to have sex and your desirability. They often have nothing to do with each other. You'll see gorgeous couples, just stunning and beautiful people, and they might not want to have sex with each other.

Because he's tentative and doesn't seem to want to have sex with you doesn't mean your not attractive, ugly, deficient, or undesirable. It mostly means, for one reason or another, he's not wanting to have sex with you. It's his issue, not yours.

On to him. You sound like you've talked to him several times about this and you've got no problem deal with taboo/bedroom issue with him. This is a good thing, those who can't talk about sex shouldn't be having it. The problem he's listed sound more like a smoke screen then anything. If that makes sense. It honestly sounds like there's a big issue, IE Erectile dysfunction or maybe even small Cocks, but he's unwilling to admit or address it so he throws around excuses. There is precious little you can do about this unfortunately.

What can HE do? I think he needs to talk to a counsellor. He really needs to work through some of his issues. I think he has self-esteem/image issues. It's something that's hard to talk about and even harder to talk to your mate about. You don't want to look weak in front of your partner, even when you know it doesn't matter and they'll accept you regardless.

Where do YOU go from here? Well there are many options that can be distilled to two:
1). Support him as you have and make sure he gets help. Doctors and therapists. Let him know that it's okay to have the issues and you can work through them together.
2). Move on. After two years there has been little change on this situation. He might not want to change and now he's comfortable. This is going to be the pattern, with some mediocre or poor sex a few times a month once you get over the hump, for the rest of your life. Does this sound good to you? There is no shame in breaking up with someone because of a libido difference. It causes a HUGE amount of stress in the relationship, even if you can't see it. You love him but sometimes love isn't enough. Trust me on this point. There comes a time where you've done all you can do and it's time to move on. Find someone that is a better fit for your needs, desires, and expectations.

In the end you're going to need to do some soul searching and you're going to need to make a few decisions. Good luck.

My take is you are impatient and he is not as sure about the future with you as you seem to be. Oh he is sure that what you have now is great but sex is an entirely different matter. Instead of taking his reluctance as a personal affront to you, take a different strategy, back up, and let him come to you.

Are you a virgin?

Just because the roommate doesn't mind being overheard doesn't mean your boyfriend feels the same way. If he is already experiencing doubts about his performance/ability the last thing he would want would be an audience.

Do you know of any health issues he might have or medications he takes? Does he use recreational drugs (including smoking and alcohol?) Is he under a lot of stress from work, school, friends, family, financial, etc.

What is his background like? Does he come from a cultural or religious background where a couple is supposed to wait until marriage to have intercourse? Even if he doesn't hold to those beliefs they can still influence the way he thinks about sex.

When the subject of waiting has been discussed, how do you approach it? Are you trying to be understanding if that is the issue or could it sound like you are making fun of the concept? I don't think you would intentionally make him feel uncomfortable sharing a desire to wait until marriage, but could he be hesitant to be honest if that is an issue?

Could he be worried about birth control and an unplanned pregnancy? Wanting marriage and a family in the future doesn't mean he isn't concerned about having one when he doesn't feel able to support it.

Does he show love and affection in other ways? Do you have any sexual contact at all?

Right now, I see three main options:

You can try giving him an ultimatum such as he sees doctor or ____________ (fill in the blank.) However, if you go that route be prepared to carry through with any threat you make.

You can continue the relationship without changing anything. You might consider looking into a hotel room or a weekend get-a-way in a more private place. But essentially letting things stay the way they are. Encourage him to see a doctor, but let it go if he doesn't.

You can leave the relationship and find someone who doesn't have his issues about sex. Sometimes love isn't enough.