Yesterday my boyfriend told me that he would like to have a baby with me. I really like the idea of this but I am not sure if I do actually want a baby? In honesty I think I will regret it if I don't, but I don't feel ready yet. I am 35 years old and running out of time.

The problem is that my boyfriend said to me that if I don't want a baby he will go and find somebody else that does. He wants it that badly.This comment hurt me very much. But he did say if we tried and I couldn't get pregnant he would stay with me. He says he wants some stability and this would give him a positive thing to do with his life.

My boyfriend has mental health problems. He is unable to work due to them. He said he will help out with bringing up our child around 3 days a week, but he still needs to be able to go out and do his thing. So I would be doing most of the raising of our child. I don't want to loose him, he makes me happy, and if I have a baby I will put 100% into it, but I'm scared I'm just going to be a secure place and a mother figure to him. He would help out with DIY, finances, some raising of our child etc. Am I just being a feminist or do you think this is fair ? I am the only one who works so I would need to give up my job. I own my own flat, so this would give him a part time place to stay with me and our baby 3 days a week.

Personally, I'd tell him don't let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isn't on your sides

Personally, I'd tell him dont let the door slam you in the butt. I guess at your age he feels time isnt on your sides

Yes he does think that. And he is right, 35 is bordering it a bit. What do u mean 'tell him don't let the door slam u in the butt' ? Sorry I didn't understand

It means 'if that's the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

It means 'if thats the way you want it, goodbye'.You have to decide though and try to comply with him or tell him no and take your chance about his leaving.

Thanks, I get what you mean now. I don't know what to do. I'm 35, this may be my only chance. But I just hope if I do this he will be there and not just want me for security

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You don't even live together.

How does he treat you? How Long have you been together? It sounds shaky to me because he sounds like he could be all talk on helping out with raising the baby. You dont even live together.

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less

If he can't live with you and therefore you would have to quit your job, who is going to foot the living expenses for mother and child? Who supports him? Who does he live with?

Also.. and this is certainly no deal-breaker, just something you probably already know - bipolar runs in families. You might need more help and emotional support when the child gets older.

Babies are the ultimate in routine. And I echo Joy -- how are you going to support yourself once you quit your job? And yes, you are going to end up raising two children, maybe both bipolar (and unmedicated?). How does he plan to "help out" three days a week?

Bipolar illness runs on my father's side of the family. I vote no.

I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.

No we don't live together, because of his mental health he can't handle routine, so that's why he can't be there 7 days a week. That suits me fine at the moment, but if I was bringing up his child I would need to rely on him. Which would not always happen. He is also emotionally immature, and I think this would be the biggest problem because it would be like having two children at times. But he has good qualities. He loves me and always wants me around. He thinks the world of me, but his bipolar does get in the way a lot, which is not his fault. But hard work non the less
I think you answered your own question. 2 children, exactly! My ex was bi polar. I had 4 kids, er I mean 5! There is no set routine with when kids need you and when they don't. He can't be enough help so the verdict - 'no baby, there's the door if you wish'

Posted by J_9
I see at least 7 red flags here. Having a baby is the least of your worries right now. You need to kick this jerk to the curb.
How does he treat you Now, does he look after you?

He is on disability benefits. He would have to give me some of his benefits to go towards food, nappies etc. He said he would do some DIY around the house to help me out, because the house needs some stuff fixing. This would help because I'm no good at DIY. He would not be able to handle being there all of the time. So he would be a part time dad.

I would have to give up my job because I would be the full time carer. I don't no how I would be able to support myself and the baby.

You need to point all these problems out to him and stress him to picture the reality of it ALL

It is absolutely wrong wrong wrong!!

To bring a baby into this world with a man who is not your husband, doesn't have a job, has no wish to be even in a common law relationship with you, who dictates what he will/won't do (particularly his wanting to do his own thing as he told you), is NOT worthy of consideration at all.

To top it off, he is mentally ill, on disability, with a future that does not bode well from what you have said.

This is not you being a feminist, it's you losing a grip on reality. Feminism gave you reproductive freedom, and choices for your OWN life, not dictated by some man who is demanding a baby, which in itself is absolutely ridiculous under these circumstances.

If you want to bring a baby into this world, feminism also gave you the legal right to do it on your own, under your own steam, with other methods such as in vitro, so that you don't lose your entire life being under the control of any man. Keep your job, plan your future, get money in the bank, line everything up- on your own.

That you are even considering this is truly alarming. With all the options available to you, you pick this man, and consider doing what he wants you to do.

Think long-term- you are old enough, and probably have some friends who are parents. If you think relationships are hard, having a baby with a man with so many problems and demands, and in total control of what he chooses to do/not do, will leave you with no support when you need it, unreliable help with the major expenses you will face, and the biggest of all- you'll be unemployed and likely seeking welfare to make ends meet because you are even willing to quit your job!!

I've said enough.

I see the writing on the wall here and it says you are in for a rough ride if you have a baby with an unemployed, mentally ill person like him. I would run very quickly the other way. Are his mental problems genetic, food for thought as well?

You should have left him the moment he said these things. He can not be a father, and he likes the idea to be one, when he wants to. And no, he can not "go do his own thing" all the time and be a father.

It is time to set him straight of the obligation, in both time and money

Thanks, its good to get some perspective. I know whathe said is all on his terms, but I have no one to talk to about this so I needed to hear what you all thought. Love is blind, and I have been digesting what he said on Sunday.

Alarm bells are ringing because you are all saying the same. He is already a dad to one child, but he missed out on the child's upbringing because he was in prison, so he wants to try again and be involved this time. I have never had a child, so I have not got a clue what I'm letting myselfin for if I go ahead with this idea.

Having a child is wonderful under all the right circumstances but you don't have that option. Your age has nothing to do with this. Many women are taking their late thirties as the opportunity for a baby. However, this person is dictating to you and now you say he has a child and he has been in prison.

My dear, this is not good father material. Add up all negative factors. You don't have ant positive ones!

Now you throw in that he was in prison. What a good role model for your child. NOT!

This man-child has some serious control issues along with being a mentally ill convict. Do you see anything wrong with that?

Having a child with him means you will never have any stability. You won't have physical, emotional, or financial assistance. You will be raising this child completely and totally on your own. Is that how a child should be raised? With one parent? In poverty?

He was in prison, but it was a long time ago, and the fact that he has mental health issues should not be judged. He is actually a very caring person who is a good dad to his other child. He looks after his mum, so you should not judge people on mistakes that they have spent a long time trying to be better. You should have more understanding for menatl health, I have worked for mental health soi know allabout peoples hidden disabilities.

My father was bipolar, and I have a BIL who is mentally challenged. I'm not being judgmental. Just pointing out facts as to how hard it is going to be for you.

People with bipolar disorder are very unreliable when they are unmedicated. This is common with the disorder as they don't like to take medication because of the way it makes them feel. Or they stop taking there medication once it starts working because they feel they no longer need it.

I understand you love him, but you have to think of the child that you would be bringing up. Mental illness is familial. It is possible that your child could get this disorder.

A child needs stability and structure in life. If you have to quit your job to care for the child, it will have neither structure or stability.

You can't be selfish and think of your wants, or his wants, you need to be practical and think of the child's NEEDS.

The child would be my number 1 priority. I believe that it is better for the mother not to work if the child is young, so that she can spend all her time putting it into the child's needs. I would love it if he could work and support us, but the fact is he cant.

I work full time and I earn 250 per week before tax. He is on benifts and earns 250 per week and it doesn't even get taxed, so my wages are not even that great, and he is better off finacially to support me than I would be... how ironic is that!

I think your 250 a week and my 250 a week are different. I couldn't survive alone on 250 USD.

250 pounds = 383 USD. That is not nearly enough to raise a child. Children have so many needs and grow so fast. Food, clothing and toys are very expensive.

Right now you earn 250 a week. How will you afford any of that if you have to quit your job?



Do you have a friend using your computer named gemmagee?

So if I'm working half 8 till 5 each day, like I do, then even then I can't afford to raise a child, that's crazy. Because after tax its £224 a week. But its unfair that people who are in poverty can't have children because they can't afford them. That's what it boils down to really!

I do not no anything about raising a child, the costs, the benefits people are entitled too, but I have some friends who are single mums who have never worked and they say its OK. It sounds like I would be better off, what a sad society that would be, because I really like working and want to progress and be able to work...



Do you have a friend using your computer named gemmagee?

Yes I do

I've raised 4 children. I know the costs. At 224 a week, you can barely support yourself let alone a child. How will you pay for formula, not every woman can breast feed? Diapers? Clothes? Baby food? Toys?

Is it fair to expect a child to live in poverty only because your boyfriend wants a child?

You can't be selfish, he can't be selfish. You need to think of the child.



Are you and gemmagee the same person?

I would breast feed if I can for at least a year. If I can't then I would have to get him to buy the formula. But I am wanting to breast feed because it is the best. I would use cloth nappies and hand wash them every day, that would not bother me in the slightest. For clothes have you looked on freecycle? People give away clothes and shoes , buggies toys etc for nothing. My mum also has many many toys for me to have.

I would never be selfish. This is why I am asking advice so I can make an informed choice


Are you and gemmagee the same person?
No, she is my friend, she lives on a boat and has no access to a computer

I live in the US, you live in the UK. We have different programs here that you have there.

Not all women can breastfeed. Yes, it is the best, but not possible for all women.

Making what little money you make, you should not have a child at this point in time. Coupled with the fact that you have a boyfriend who will not be a reliable father as he needs to
needs to be able to go out n do his thing. Having a child means that you stop going out and doing your thing. A parent, mother or father, needs to be committed to that child 24/7/365. He is not willing and/or able to do that. He wants to "do his thing." Whatever that is. So, he will be leaving you to pick up his pieces. Is that fair to the child?

Sure, freecycle is a good thing... when they are babies. But what about when it comes to school and they have to go to school in hand-me-downs. Yes, the child will be bullied and made fun of.

You are thinking with your heart and not your head.

Thank you for the advice. It is a massive commitment and I have now heard many peoples views on the matter. Its not fair on the child to only have a part time father.

I would use cloth nappies and hand wash them every day, that would not bother me in the slightest.
Do you have any idea of how many nappies a baby goes through every day -- and you plan to HAND WASH them? I insisted that my husband buy a washing machine and dryer after our first baby was born. I had to first soak the diapers in a special solution, then wash them at least twice, and then rinse them at least twice in order to get rid of the ammonia, or the baby ended up with a horrible diaper rash. And without the dryer, it would have been nearly impossible to have clean, ready-to-use diapers on hand.

My mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me

Oh, heavens no! A child needs a full time mother AND father. A child needs stability and this relationship does not offer stability or structure. Having a child right now, with this man, would be setting your child up for a life of sadness, depression, desolation, and poverty.

my mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me
And you will be slaving away washing nappies and clothes and towels and bed linens when your baby needs time with you. And if you don't hand wash everything now you are going to hate doing it and will resent the time away from the baby.

OK thanks, its good to get a reality check on this.As I say I'm not a parent so this is why I'm asking for advice

my mum hand washed towels with 4 children.its hard work, but its better for the environment and cheaper, it may take a lot longer but if its good for my mum then its good for me
And my ancestors probably cooked their meat over an open fire and picked wild berries and dug up wild carrots, but that doesn't mean I have to do that in 2013. There are ways to save the environment even when using a washer and dryer.

I would actually prefer a life of cooking meat over an open fire, I'm a hippie

Reality checks can be tough. I understand.

I would also like to revisit that the BF said that you were to have a baby with him or he would find someone else who will.

Do you see that as respecting you as a partner? I don't. I see that as controlling behavior that may come from an upswing in the bipolar disorder. Maybe he was off his meds when he said that? Is that the kind of controlling environment you want to raise a child?

Maybe he was off his meds when he said that?
Is he even taking meds or compliant when taking them?

Yes I did feel manipulated when he said that. It was disrespectful and it hurt me. He doesn't take his meds.

He doesnt take his meds.
Why not?

Because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them

because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them
How long did he stay on them? (Usually it takes 2-6 weeks to be effective, depending on what was prescribed.)

Did he report this to his psychiatrist?

I don't no, he wasn't on them when I met him?

i dont no, he wasnt on them when i met him?
This should scare you into next week.

because he said they turn him into a mess, he can't function on them

That is NOT happy information. Not the kind of person you want around a baby! He said he can take care of the baby some days, but if he is not on his meds, I would NOT leave a baby with him!

He doesn't sound in his right mind.

Are you in the UK by the way?

Maybe I missed it but how long have you been dating this fellow?

I vote NO! And add, Please don't do this. If you want children, find someone steady, healthy and emotionally mature, with a job.

It sounds like he would be just as happy with a puppy as a baby.

A child needs and deserves 2 parents, who live together, (marriage is the best in my opinion, Marriage = commitment) I have family with Bi-polar and they can be dangerous to themselves and to others. Do you really want a baby with Bi-polar? That would be so unfair to the child.

And 35, you've got a few years yet. Buy him a puppy and start looking for a better father for your children.

ANY man who issues such an ultimatum, bipolar or not, on meds or not, prison record or not, doesn't deserve my time, much less my uterus.

Afraid of losing him? Don't be. Call his bluff. Let's see him 'go find someone who will.'

He has a child and you say he's a good dad, so why this new urge on his part? He doesn't get to say 'this time I'll be an involved father.' Children aren't something you toss on the reject pile and get another.

BTW you say it isn't fair that a single mother can't afford to support herself and a child. LIFE isn't about fairness in isolation from other fairness. Why should every working stiff pay for every young woman who decides she has to do the most selfish thing there is, bring another baby into an overcrowded world? Do you ever complain about how high your payroll taxes are? That money goes to every other baby. But you don't make enough to quit your job and say that your payroll taxes paid for your baby, not by 1/2 of 1%.

I am 66. I CHOSE not to have children.

Last Sept your friend gemmagee, age 35, wanted a baby, and said this:
'Man 2 said he will be there, but because of his own problems he will let me down. He can't work, he won't be able to support me finacially or emotionally.but if he could I would be with him.'
And on July 30 (last week) she said that 'he wants to turn me into a mum.'

You are 35 and have a boyfriend who wants you to have a baby, and in every respect fits the above man to a T.
Is it really possible that two friends' lives could be so similar? Sure, the same age who want a baby. But with the same description of a boyfriend as well?
You didn't just decide to clear the air by starting a new ID?

ANY man who issues such an ultimatum, bipolar or not, on meds or not, prison record or not, doesn't deserve my time, much less my uterus.

Afraid of losing him? Don't be. Call his bluff. Let's see him 'go find someone who will.'

He has a child and you say he's a good dad, so why this new urge on his part? He doesn't get to say 'this time I'll be an involved father.' Children aren't something you toss on the reject pile and get another.

BTW you say it isn't fair that a single mother can't afford to support herself and a child. LIFE isn't about fairness in isolation from other fairness. Why should every working stiff pay for every young woman who decides she has to do the most selfish thing there is, bring another baby into an overcrowded world? Do you ever complain about how high your payroll taxes are? That money goes to every other baby. But you don't make enough to quit your job and say that your payroll taxes paid for your baby, not by 1/2 of 1%.

I am 66. I CHOSE not to have children.

Last Sept your friend gemmagee, age 35, wanted a baby, and said this:
'Man 2 said he will be there, but because of his own problems he will let me down. he can't work, he wont be able to support me finacially or emotionally.but if he could i would be with him.'
And on July 30 (last week) she said that 'he wants to turn me into a mum.'

You are 35 and have a boyfriend who wants you to have a baby, and in every respect fits the above man to a T.
Is it really possible that two friends' lives could be so similar? Sure, the same age who want a baby. But with the same description of a boyfriend as well?
You didn't just decide to clear the air by starting a new ID?
I ask this question because I want to hear other peoples perspectives on what I should do. I do not just go out there and do it because its important to hear what others people say. I do not expect judgement, because it is only me who fully understands the situation really. If I explained every little detail then I would be here for weeks/months. There are many people who do just pop many kids out and live on benefits. There are so many women who get pregnant at 16 with out a dad to their kid. Having a child is a basic human right, but because I am fully aware of my situation I have not had one and I ask peoples oppionions.. . I do not think any one should judge, only offer good advice on here. It would be stupid to go and have a kid when its not going to have its basic needs met.but this is not a third world country , people here in the UK think its important to wear designer clothes, when really its having a good healthy meal, warmth, clean water and a loving family that is what is most important. Yes I don't earn enough to have a child. Neither does 50% of UK at least... why do u think I'm not taking this issue lightly

Having a child is a basic human right
No, it isn't.

No, it isn't.. Every body has a right to choose

Every body has a right to choose
And that's why 16-year-olds think they can have babies. That's why people pop out babies like there is no tomorrow, They are under the mistaken notion that having babies is their right.

Im not rrying to judge, I've been there done that. Raised 4 kids by myself on less than $1,000. A year. Their father was bi polar, never there for them and no child support. Its not easy at all .

Im not rrying to judge, I've been there done that. Raised 4 kids by myself on less than $1,000. a year. Their father was bi polar, never there for them and no child support. Its not easy at all .

That's OK. Some people r judging me... not you. I haven't had a kid and I'm just asking advice so I make a good decision, yet some people r condemning me for trying to find out for myself what the best action Is. You have actually been helpful, because u know what its like and have been there


And that's why 16-year-olds think they can have babies. That's why people pop out babies like there is no tomorrow, They are under the mistaken notion that having babies is their right.

There are many reasons 16 year olds r having children. They could have been raped, their parents were not there for them so they wanted a family, they r immature, they r irresponsible, society lead them to believe it is acceptable... its not black and white here. It is a basic human right, but what I am saying is everybody should be responsible with that human right, or don't have them at all... but in some circumstances the 16 year olds have no choice or feel it is their only option... this topic opens up a whole can of worms

everybody should be responsible with that human right
So it's time for you to be responsible.

So it's time for you to be responsible.

I'm not 16 love.

Its not time for me to be responsible, I already am... u ain't got a clue. Don't be so judgemental.

How can a person be irresponsible if they are seeking advice. An irresponsible person wood just go do it... its time for u to see that everything is not black n white.

Well I'm glad I sought advice on here, me and my partner have discussed the issues everyone has brought up , it has opened my eyes to the realities and given me things to think about I would not have thought of. It would be stupid to have a kid under these conditions, but if u don't ask people you only have your perspective. So it can't be bad to ask, I just think people should understand n not judge. Only then can we see the picture clearly

I think she meant 'make a responsible decision' about having a baby now, with this man that you can't depend on for help and support.

My niece has a bipolar 'adult', she is 27, and gets a check for $700.00 or so each month. My niece also has a son that is 22, some OCD but otherwise intelligent and a hard worker. He has had to hold his sister down to keep her from cutting her wrists. She has tried several times to kill herself and has come very close. She has physically attacked her mother, who had to beat her down in self defense. The 'child' is near to 400 lbs, because some of her medicine side effects were 'rapid weight gain'.

The saddest part was when my niece told her son to "get out while he could and get a life of his own," she added, "I'm stuck with her, you are not."

My niece feels she could never expect a man to tolerate her daughter, and plans to spend the rest of her life working and caring for her daughter ALONE.

Just saying.. not a happy ever after picture...

I just think people should understand n not judge. Only then can we see the picture clearly
I haven't judged you. I grew up with a bipolar grandmother and a bipolar uncle (her son). I do not wish that on you or anyone else. It was, at times (TOO many times), hell on earth and heartbreaking.

Responsible -can you afford and take care of a baby on your own without depending on him since his help would be sparatic to say the least.

I think you are also the 'friend' who posted, you started to reply to someone else using that ID, and then lied and said she was a friend. There was no need to do that.

I also think you are very misguided about 'rights' just because a lot of single mothers get gov't benefits. Those benefits are paid for by TAXPAYERS, and they have rights too. They have the right to say enough is enough. Benefits are supposed to be for widows and those whose birth control didn't work, and women who have been abandoned, not by 35 year olds who just think they want a baby now and everyone else should support her financially.
Judging? You bet.

Don't be so sensitive. As you see passion run high on this subject both from experience and knowledge. Most of us have read of other posters who like yourself got into these situations and they turned horrible really fast.

I can tell you that a ticking biological clock can influence decisions greatly and not for the good. Yes it's good you asked others for perspective and input, but take some time to digest this input as sometimes we want things so badly we overlook many red flags getting it.

The biggest red flag is you already know he has a child and still wants to keep his fun when he wants it, and adding another child to the mix with just his word and no deep commitments to you is unacceptable, clock ticking or not. Another red flag is the very foolish notion he is your best and last chance and we all feel you can do better.

My experience suggests that life changing decisions made under these conditions produce a life time of regrets. I mean babies are cute but being a single poor mom of a 15 year old may not be the life you want and is that in the best interest of your child?

Having babies isn't a right, it's a function we humans were made for to multiply. But humans can make choices, and they don't have to be bad ones, they just are some times.

Clock or NOT, don't have a child until YOU are right with it, and tell this immature bum to F****k off with his ultimatum, and BS conditions he would place on you. You can do better than him I hope.

Did I miss your answer to how long you two have been dating?

He has mental problems and you want to have a baby with him? You know there's a chance that these issues he has will pass on to your child. Maybe I'm old fashioned but if he wants a commitment from you so bad why doesn't he put a ring on it first and then try for the baby. I truly believe having a baby to save a relationship is a recipe for disaster. If you are really concerned about having a chid before you're too old, spend a couple extra dollars to buy some Ivy League sperm and ditch the boy with the mental problems and ultimatums.

Don't be so sensitive. As you see passion run high on this subject both from experience and knowledge. Most of us have read of other posters who like yourself got into these situations and they turned horrible really fast.

I can tell you that a ticking biological clock can influence decisions greatly and not for the good. Yes it's good you asked others for perspective and input, but take some time to digest this input as sometimes we want things so badly we overlook many red flags getting it.

The biggest red flag is you already know he has a child and still wants to keep his fun when he wants it, and adding another child to the mix with just his word and no deep commitments to you is unacceptable, clock ticking or not. Another red flag is the very foolish notion he is your best and last chance and we all feel you can do better.


Did I miss your answer to how long you two have been dating?

We have been dating for 2 years. I'm glad I have had this conversation with you all and asked questions: today I spoke to him and asked him how he would support us if his not working. I explained I need someone who will put us before doing his own thing... I said about the ultimatum he had given me. He had not thought about the issues I've been discussing with u lot. Its not a good time, you are right, I've just left uni, so I am going to see if I can progress my career some more. At 35 I do feel that my body clock is ticking, but I'm glad I've spoke to you and not just done it. I'm going to try and better myself now, and if I don't have a child at least I can help my friends with their kids, who I treat like they are mine anyway

We have been dating for 2 years. I'm glad I have had this conversation with you all and asked questions: today I spoke to him and asked him how he would support us if his not working. I explained I need someone who will put us before doing his own thing..... I said about the ultimatum he had given me. He had not thought about the issues I've been discussing with u lot. Its not a good time, you are right, I've just left uni, so I am going to see if I can progress my career some more. At 35 I do feel that my body clock is ticking, but I'm glad I've spoke to you and not just done it. I'm going to try and better myself now, and if I don't have a child at least I can help my friends with their kids, who I treat like they are mine anyway

I am so happy you feel that way.

I also think you are very misguided about 'rights' just because a lot of single mothers get gov't benefits. Those benefits are paid for by TAXPAYERS, and they have rights too. They have the right to say enough is enough. Benefits are supposed to be for widows and those whose birth control didn't work, and women who have been abandoned, not by 35 year olds who just think they want a baby now and everyone else should support her financially.
Judging? You bet.

I've worked hard all my life and paid tax. I've never claimed benefits. I can think I wantt a baby if I like, and I can ask peoples advice also but I have not acted on it and I don't intend to. You don't know me at all, so you can keep our narrow minded judgements to yourself thank you very much, unless you are without sin. It sounds to me like you have personal issues and our trying to vent them out on me... I'm not to blame for people who don't work, claim benefits and pop loads of kids out... I own my own place, which I've worked hard for and I pay my taxes, my whole family work hard and pay there taxes, you are judgemental and form assumptions based on YOUR issues, do not bring them onto this forum because they don't help any body

people who don't work, claim benefits and pop loads of kids out
But that's what you will be doing if you have a child/children with this man.

But that's what you will be doing if you have a child/children with this man.

I'm not having a kid with him. I wanted advice, and its made me think about these issues, so I could way it all up, and I've decided not to do it... I don't want a life of benefits. Talking to u lot was good because I had many things to think about I had not thought of... I do not take any dissision in life lightly, especially one this important, so I won't have a kid with him. But I've spoke to him about it, if he wants to 'go find someone else' that's up to him

I'm not having a kid with him.
*standing ovation for you*

*standing ovation for you*

100%

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!
I have my opinion about all women who think the rest of us should pay for their indulgence.
I also have opinions about people who start new IDs to change their stories.
But I am glad you made a decision.
I couldn't care less what you think about me personally.

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!
She blessed me with a negative too -- also for expressing my opinion. We should start a club.

Negatives are not for opinions on this site!
I have my opinion about all women who think the rest of us should pay for their indulgence.

I could care less what you think about me personally. you are tar ING me with that brush and I'm just saying you are wrong. I am a tax payer. I didn't even think about sitting at home claiming benefits when I asked the question. I would get 39 weeks maturnity care from my job, but I was asking peoples advice on this matter. You can't judge me for that . All I am saying is you are seeing me as a benift sponge on society, and that I am not so you need to be more informed before making judgements on my situation, that I emphasis is not as a benefit thief, but as someone who is finding answers to questions

It was YOU that informed us of your needing to quit your job, and raise your child, with a fellow that would only be available for part time daddy duty and was on benefits himself and had another child.

You may have all the rights in the world to have a child, but clearly the finances would have to be supplemented no matter how hard you would be willing to work. That's not a judgment, its an honest evaluation of facts that YOU provided, so don't get defensive as it would be the same conclusion for anyone in the same circumstance. Hurt feelings won't change that.

Most good decisions are made from honest evaluations of the facts. I hope at least you recognize that's what we have tried to do and sorry for the hurt feelings, and thanks for your own honesty. That did take courage.

It was YOU that informed us of your needing to quit your job, and raise your child, with a fellow that would only be available for part time daddy duty and was on benefits himself and had another child.

You may have all the rights in the world to have a child, but clearly the finances would have to be supplemented no matter how hard you would be willing to work. That's not a judgment, its an honest evaluation of facts that YOU provided, so don't get defensive as it would be the same conclusion for anyone in the same circumstance. Hurt feelings won't change that.

Yes but there are a lot of assumptions here. I wouldn't claim benefits. If it came to that my mum would look after baby while I am at work, she has already said she would love to do that. But anyway, I'm not having one because many good points have been raised. I never said I would claim benefits, it was just assumed I would. And that is what is annoying, I do see people rinse this country by doing that and that life style was never one I was thinking about. I was only ever asking peoples advice on here. What's the point in living in poverty... none.

Sometime poverty isn't a choice, and can happen to anyone.

Yes I know. But to choose it would be un wize

Agreed!

Laura, just wondering, do you live in the UK ? No other reason then out of curiousity.

Tick

Laura, just wondering, do you live in the UK ? No other reason then out of curiousity.

tick

Yes I do

Quote:
"I would have to give up my job because I would be the full time carer. I dont no how I would be able to support myself and the baby."

We only go by what you say. I was slanted too much toward the 'sponge' part off the taxpayer, when what I really didn't stress were the long, long, years of being responsible for a child all by yourself. We see the regret and difficulties here day in and day out, as men disappear and mothers can't help out any more, friends too, if they are off on holidays and jobs and marriage, with all the sharing of expenses and work and enjoyment. Homes are lost because of the expense of owning, and public housing is awful. And last but not least, the dear infant who loves you unconditionally wears off so fast, eats you out of house and home, and resents you for not buying him or her nice clothes and an iPod.

I asked for no particular reason then recognizing some of your terminology. I am really glad you have made the choices you did. Please come back from time to time and let us know how you are.

Tick

I asked for no particular reason then recognizing some of your terminology. I am really glad you have made the choices you did. Please come back from time to time and let us know how you are.

tick

I did wonder why you asked. Thank you.

To Laurabarton30, I'm glad you made a good decision about having a baby or not. It was good that you did ask the question and carefully considered the answers you received. That is what Ask Me Help Desk is for to my understanding. To help by answering the questions with facts, life experience, understanding and common sense. May God bless and keep you.

Thank you . Bless you too


To Laurabarton30, I'm glad you made a good decision about having a baby or not. It was good that you did ask the question and carefully considered the answers you received. That is what Ask Me Help Desk is for to my understanding. To help by answering the questions with facts, life experience, understanding and common sense. May God bless and keep you.