Fiancée cheated and left me after 7.5 years to be in a relationship with the other guy! She moved away and left me but I can't seem to get my act together! Been 3 months now and I'd do anything to have her back but she acts like we never happened! I'm in shock because it was so unexpected! Where do we go from here?

"We" don't go anywhere from here. It's over. Get busy with social activities, home projects, hobbies, reading books, volunteering (yay!) and finding yourself again.

Sorry, when I see "we", I mean "me"! That was a quick reply though thanks!

***say! God I'm doing well here ain't I? Lol

Sorry, when I see "we", I mean "me"! That was a quick reply though thanks!
You're a good writer. Join a writers' group at a library or somewhere in your area. Or start one. (Everyone thinks he has a book in him, and wants to be a writer.)

Or join a book discussion group (for men) -- or start one -- business or self-help books --meet at the local pub once a week.

Volunteer your leisure time at a hospital or nursing home or library or animal shelter (shelter dogs give unconditional love).

Join a men's chorus or dart league or gym or cooking class. Take courses at your local uni or college -- learn to paint with oils or how to build something or study astronomy.

The world is now your oyster. Use this time to become a more interesting and exciting person than you were before.

Your glass isn't nearly empty, but is filling up now and will overflow with goodness and happiness.

There are some awesome ideas in there wondergirl... But when I come to write my autobiography, I want to be writing about her as the love of my life in the final chapter! There is a lot more to the story than what I have posted, this is just a brief summary. The important point though is that I want her back! I'm through chasing and am trying other things to keep busy, but she is all that is on my mind! I'm 8 days n/c after some awkward exchanges. I know you are looking at moving forward but really I just want her to realise that I'm a good, decent, honest, loving, caring guy that didn't deserve all this and really deserves another chance for us to be happy together! I've made all the usual mistakes and the situation looks grim but I can't give up - our future was going to be amazing together and I cannot get my head around it!

1) Count your blessings that she is no longer in your life;
2) As one of my favorites WONDERGIRL suggests - get other activities going in your life.
3) Stop living in the past and look forward to the future. You know when someone closes a door in your face, kick open a new door.

You are in control of this and you are in control of your future.

I just want her to realise that I'm a good, decent, honest, loving, caring guy that didn't deserve all this
If she doesn't now (it sounds like her mind is elsewhere right now), she will someday. Even I can feel your sweetness and goodness through the magic of Internet.

Maybe she will come back, but more likely she won't. Meanwhile, you can't just sit there spinning around in circles and waiting on her. No matter what happens with her, follow my advice -- you will be the better for it. And like dear Oliver says, the choice is yours.

(If you start a writing group or book discussion group, ask me if you need help. I'm a retired librarian and know stuff.)

Thanks - 1.) the end of my life as I knew it is not a blessing - although I know what you are getting at - it could have been worse. 2.) I have new goals and activities and even a few new friends - I also have the support of mutual friends that can't believe she has done this - it doesn't change how I feel and how much I think about her and live her, despite what she has done! 3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again! But it all feels so unjust and surreal - is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?

If she doesn't now (it sounds like her mind is elsewhere right now), she will someday. Even I can feel your sweetness and goodness through the magic of Internet.

Maybe she will come back, but more likely she won't. Meanwhile, you can't just sit there spinning around in circles and waiting on her. No matter what happens with her, follow my advice -- you will be the better for it. And like dear Oliver says, the choice is yours.

(If you start a writing group or book discussion group, ask me if you need help. I'm a retired librarian and know stuff.)

Thanks so much wonder! It's not something I am really into although I have been writing a very detailed diary for the past 2 months! Your kind words are very welcome... I just sincerely wish she would remember those feelings soon! I know it is unlikely she will come back now though :(

it doesn't change how I feel and how much I think about her and live her, despite what she has done!
You have suffered a loss, a kind of death. Grieve for her, mourn her "passing." Remember the good times and when she was at her best. Plant a bush or tree in her honor and as a tribute to the many years you were together. Keep a special notebook or Word file of your memories and how you feel about things as the days go on. Put the best construction on this and pray for her happiness.

3.) I know I'm in control of me and I'm working so hard on me to try and get stronger and I will never be in this position EVER again!
Never say never. But now you are going to develop the tools to help you heal.

is it possible just to forget as though it never happened?
Nope. You will never forget her. I remember my first kiss at age 15 at 1:30 a.m. on July 17, 1961. He and I went together for almost six years, but I was not allowed to marry him. I have never forgotten him -- and that first kiss.

You are 8 days into NC. Every day will bring you closer to getting through this life changing event of being betrayed and discarded. Healing is a process that takes it own time. Maybe you can think of nothing now to stay busy with, but family and friends may help a lot. Just to get you through until you do find better ways to be busy, and can best decide how you want to build a life to make yourself happy with friends and activities that you enjoy.

She doesn't have to be the last or best chapter in your bio. You have many yet to be written.

Betrayed and discarded! Shocking to think that someone so close to you for so long could do that! I have heard through the grapevine that she feels low and guilty, and I know she has been deeply depressed, but I know I've made some progress because I no longer want to throw myself under a bus just to try and make her feel better, I know she hasn't felt a fraction of the hurt she has caused me! But she was an amazing girl before all this and it just does not compute that she thinks she has left me for greener pastures (not saying I am perfect and I know from 3 months of reflection where I've been at fault) but nothing deserved this! I like the straight answers I'm getting here! Thanks so much. What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?

Betrayed and discarded! Shocking to think that someone so close to you for so long could do that! I have heard through the grapevine that she feels low and guilty, and I know she has been deeply depressed, but I know I've made some progress because I no longer want to throw myself under a bus just to try and make her feel better, I know she hasn't felt a fraction of the hurt she has caused me! But she was an amazing girl before all this and it just does not compute that she thinks she has left me for greener pastures (not saying I am perfect and I know from 3 months of reflection where I've been at fault) but nothing deserved this! I like the straight answers I'm getting here! Thanks so much. What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?

"What is the likelihood that this new guy is just a rebound and she is going through some crazy phase?"

What is the point of us or you figuring out that answer? Do you really want someone in your life who treats you the way she has? Turn the corner and move on.

I tell this all the time so some people are probably tired of hearing it. But a few years ago my mom died, my dad died 2 months later, I got divorced and lost the job that I loved. It was all in a 3 or 4 month span. Now I am usually a more positive person than you would ever want to meet, but even that was difficult on me. So I got a new job and ended up meeting the love of my life. That wouldn't have happened had I not gone through change.

Change is not a bad thing as long as you don't allow yourself to be stuck. Let life happen and smile. Learn to appreciate the little things. We have all been through tough times and we have all survived.

Fair point mate - just don't want to slam the door shut on the best thing that's ever happened to me... I know it's the ultimate betrayal but I think we all make mistakes and everyone deserves another chance. But yet it's still me doing the chasing - that's why I'm trying to figure that question out my friend - and I know I may not like the answer! Thank you for your point though - you have all picked me up from a bit of a low day with your honest responses so thank you!

She is the one who slammed the door! You just have to accept it, and leave it closed, and open a better one.

After 7 1/2 years, why was she still the fiancé, and not your wife?

Could it be that you haven't stopped long enough to really start to process the possible reasons she left you?

It is hard to believe that you have not yet understood, or at least stated, what the problems were that caused the end of the relationship. I'm not saying you caused her to run off with another man, but something, somewhere along the line, went terribly wrong.

Any ideas what that might be?

I'm 27, she is 26. The idea was to move in together and get married and live happily ever after. Shortly after we moved in she wanted to give up work to go back to uni - I agreed to support her in her decision and so that kind of put our lives on hold - we couldn't really afford a wedding, but we lived together and struggled on for 4 years. Her father died 2 years ago and she has struggled with depression since - but for my part, communicating, being affectionate, attentive to her needs, and being more spontaneous are all things I've let myself down in - and not really taking care of myself so she has probably lost attraction - but these are all things I've worked hard on the past 3 months. That's as honest as I can be jake, she'd be my wife by this September had everything gone to plan - she even has her dress but is trying to sell it cheap online! :(

It's good to see that you are trying hard with your own shortcomings, that may (or may not have) contributed to the breakup. Everything you are doing for yourself now, will see you a stronger man and partner for the future, and the next relationship.

Sometimes there is nothing you can pinpoint to and say, 'because I did this, or didn't do that, she left me'. Maybe many little things got between you that were eventually too much to work through. We would all have more successful relationships too if we could read each other's minds, and tune in when we should.

But, you must feel betrayed that she didn't stay to work on her problems with you, but found another man, and is now with him. She was testing the waters long before you knew, most likely, and you certainly cannot be blamed for her actions.

I get the impression there was little you wouldn't have done, given the chance, to save the relationship.

But what can you do. And what happens when/if she loses interest in her new boyfriend, and realizes that you weren't so bad after all. Will you take her back?

I hope that if you consider doing that, that you'll stop in here too for a little advice on how to wade through those difficult waters, should it happen.

In the meanwhile, as cliché as it sounds, time is a healer. Allow yourself the luxury of time in sorting this all out. I would say that she has already moved on.

Maybe this will end up being a blessing in disguise.

Thanks jake - I should also add that I have given her far too much space and been too passive - and dependent on her love! I only realised this in hindsight! I would do anything and as much as I know there's a lot to sort out before we can think about wedding bells again (if that ever were to happen!) I know I'd take her back in a heartbeat. This may also sound cliché, but the person she has become is not the real her! Again, there's a bit more to the story but the main points are all here and the extra details is probably me clinging to false hope - people change, don't they?

Holy , seeing this thread is like looking into a mirror. My relationship wasn't nearly as serious as yours (marriage, length), but I felt I knew a girl better than anyone else and then bam she was 'over it' the next day and on to the next one. Hurts like hell, don't it? We can't make them love us, no matter how much we love and care for them. I've gone from fighting for her through long talks, to giving her space, to talking with whoever would listen, and none of those things will make HER feel any differently about YOU unless she wants to.

We cannot put our lives on hold for these women and have to hope that a) we either realize this is best for us, because if this was happening to a friend we no doubt would tell them that and that long term they shouldn't be with someone who would disregard them in a manner or b) hope that when they come back, they are genuine, we are forgiving and we can start something new. My time with my ex and your 7.5 years with yours don't mean anything now after what has happened and in the manner it has happened. We have to live in the moment and plan for the future. Any reconciliation from these events would basically require a relationship starting over in terms of trust as far as I can tell right now, and that's important to remember that things just won't magically go back to the way they were. We're stuck in the past man, because it feels better to know our ladies during that time instead of the living breathing reality of RIGHT NOW

You are absolutely right about that ^ however (and this may sound contradictory) if I met her now for the first time, I'd avoid her! She is a completely different person and, compared to the person I knew her to be... I'd say she's living a lie and that's why I am asking if it is a phase? I know waiting and wallowing isn't doing much good, and I'm doing all I can to improve individually, but I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone new - right now it would do more harm than good, and I'm still not able to give up on it (which is only prolonging my agony!) but I have managed to disengage more and feel myself getting better!

You can move on without looking for someone new, AND be happy. Being alone without being lonely is a trick in itself but you don't have to be isolated and alone, because you make friends and have activities, hobbies, work, and ambitions to pursue. When you are ready options and opportunities for romance and just dating will present themselves.

You were in a relationship 7 years, so of course it takes time to adjust to NOT being in one. You have to build a new comfort zone for yourself.

You are absolutely right about that ^ however (and this may sound contradictory) if I met her now for the first time, I'd avoid her! She is a completely different person and, compared to the person I knew her to be...I'd say she's living a lie and that's why I am asking if it is a phase? I know waiting and wallowing isn't doing much good, and I'm doing all I can to improve individually, but I'm in no hurry to move on and find someone new - right now it would do more harm than good, and I'm still not able to give up on it (which is only prolonging my agony!) but I have managed to disengage more and feel myself getting better!

Well there is an old saying that says if you dig your hole you have to clumb out of it. She has treated you and the relationship badly and there would be no way I would hang around for what is next. But that is me and this is your decision.

Yes, people can change, in answer to your question.

Many couples survive the worst odds, but not usually without a lot of shared pain and heartache. Losing a child, a fatal illness, job loss, etc. Life throws a lot of curveballs and the strength of a solid partner can make all the difference.

You alluded to some underlying 'cause' of the drastic change in your partner. It would be helpful to know what that was/is. There are some things that can indeed change a person and their personality. Alcohol is one, medications, head injury, etc.

IF there is a cause, or something you can pinpoint to say that the change happened when 'this' or 'that' happened, it would be helpful to better understand.

Failing that, my advice is to leave her be and not contact her. She may be counting on a lifeline to you, making her life easier, and yours a confusing nightmare.

Hi Jake, yes, a combination of medication, illness, some alcohol abuse, and a complete change in character and personality which was spotted by a lot of people before me! (I guess I was just too close to see it but I'm annoyed with myself for not seeing the signs sooner and acting on them to help us!) I also agree that being alone and not being lonely is key! I was fine on my own when I knew she was coming home, now I want to be anywhere but at home alone! Still, I'm getting a wee bit better at that by talking more on here! However, I also still talk a lot with mutual friends and I still see her mother a lot and talk to her a lot - and I always seem to find some validation in what they are saying that she is going through some kind of life stage (like GIGS if anyone has read that - I have my own thoughts on that though!) As far as I know, neither of us are happy but she is choosing to deny and discard me and our time together and seems to be more unhappy now than ever before? I just don't get it but I'm resigned to the fact that she won't have the answers that I need (or want) at this stage, and a lot of them will have to go unanswered... for now at least!

I don't know what GIGS is.

I'm happy that her family is also concerned, and happy also that you have people to talk to. One day at a time. It's painful though, I know.

When a personal crisis happens, sometimes, a person will shoot off in a direction that will seem (at the time) to eliminate the problems. One of the things about depression is that, with personal perceptions seeming so unbearable, or unmanageable, people will retreat to a happier, or more peaceful place.

It could be a relapse of sorts, where the familiar- even though it may be harmful- is a comfortable place to be, rather than to face the world.

It isn't unusual that affairs happen, when looking for love, companionship, or someone to understand and provide comfort. Sometimes, anything else, or any other circumstance may be seen as 'the answer', and often times, it is not. History will repeat itself as well, and not understood by the person, the problems only grow worse, and far more complicated.

Eventually life has to be dealt with.

When it is safe to do so, or maybe through her mother, suggest that the two of you go to counseling if she's comfortable and ready for that, or that she go on her own. Do your homework, and find a good fit if you can. Sometimes talking to someone outside the circle can work magic.

And as far as you yourself go, I hope you don't take on too much of the guilt and blame for what has happened. It is unlikely that she would have confided in you, because she was not looking (in my opinion) for understanding, or help. You could have jumped through fire hoops, and still I think, she would have retreated. She may justify her behavior by implying you were somehow causal in what happened, but that is not truthful.

Try for the moment to think that where she is now, is providing something for her, that makes any other alternative unworkable. When she is ready, if she ever is, you will know.

Jake that is the most positive response I have had since this all happened as far as communication and reconciliation goes. The barrier right now though to proceeding to counselling or any form of communication (aside from me being in no contact and her not giving a monkeys) is the fact that she is still with this other guy. Again, I've heard things about him and their relationship that really puzzle me... but she is with him and lives approx 60 miles from me so it makes a bad situation worse! I'd be willing to try counselling to repair the problems and strengthen what I already thought was the most robust of relationships! I'm also wary of approaching her mother to directly suggest something like this because a girl needs her mother (she does now more than ever!) and I don't want to interfere in that relationship... although her mum had admitted to me she knows her daughter is doing the wrong thing with her life! I'm not exaggerating here, our bright, happy future was just around the corner - and it's the injustice of it all on top of everything else that floors me at times! However, I feel good right now thanks to everyone on here! Please keep your advice coming!

Live your life, and let her live hers. Sometimes couples grow better apart than together. You want more advice, keep the input coming.

We're a pretty good bunch here on AMHD.

When I said to pick the right time in becoming more involved, that will probably mean some communication coming from her first. Only then can you know, or begin to know, what's going on.

For the future, be prepared, in case it happens, or she makes some comment in a positive way to her mother, that indicates she needs help getting her life back on track. I really, truly hope that happens.

In the meanwhile, start taking care of your own needs, and healing, because of the major blow you've had in your own life. There may not come a day when you will have answers, or, you may find she'll come around and need you, which I'm sure you hope for. Either way, you need to be strong yourself, and work through this, as you are doing.

You really sound like a decent person to me. I note that you are careful in what you say to protect her privacy, even though nobody knows it here. That is a sign to me that there is honour, and honesty in your character.

Keep us posted.

I will do that Jake and thank you for your kind words! I don't have a bad word to say about her and I never will - despite what she has done. She is the love if my life and is worth waiting for but I've had to accept that none of this is in my control, and remind myself that I did not deserve this! Talaniman, at this stage I'd wager that neither of us are growing better at all! I know through reflection where I've gone wrong and I suppose that adds some self improvement, but right now I don't see any if the 2 of us as being happy! I know how stubborn she is and I feel that even if she had realised this is all a mistake, she won't want to admit it because of her sudden, massive, and well publicised change (Facebook is evil lol!).

Seems that she isn't the only one who is stubborn right? Have you considered how trapped you will feel waiting for her to do or say something? I would HATE that for me.

Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver? If so then I guess I'm guilty! I already feel trapped though because that is a lot to give up just to start all over again - I need to break it down in bits and hope that in that time, she realises what we had us too good to throw away for a crazy fling/phase? If you think I'm being stubborn because I'm not simply accepting the "let go/move on" answer then that's not quite the case. The outcome is going to have more to do with her than me. I've disengaged (which took me a while and I made all the typical, useless attempts to change her mind) and I never get the chance to see or speak to her - but I agree in that I am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!

i am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!
Everything she has done says exactly that.

Fiancée
1. cheated
2. left me after 7.5 years
3. is in a relationship with the other guy
4. moved away
5. has allowed 3 months to pass
6. acts like we never happened
7. is trying to sell her wedding dress cheap online

Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver? If so then I guess I'm guilty! I already feel trapped though because that is a lot to give up just to start all over again - I need to break it down in bits and hope that in that time, she realises what we had us too good to throw away for a crazy fling/phase? If you think I'm being stubborn because I'm not simply accepting the "let go/move on" answer then that's not quite the case. The outcome is going to have more to do with her than me. I've disengaged (which took me a while and I made all the typical, useless attempts to change her mind) and i never get the chance to see or speak to her - but I agree in that i am not ready to accept that there is no hope yet!

"Is it stubborn to want to realise your hopes and dreams with your soulmate that you planned the rest of your life around Oliver?" Heck yes.

You sound like a decent guy. You are stuck and stuck isn't a good place to be. Your life can't move forward. All of us have been dumped and all of us have survived. It is our nature.

I challenge your disengaged statement - you haven't and you can't. My partner is a HUGE part of my life who I love more than I've loved anyone. However my partner is not my whole life. If something happened to us where we weren't together anymore I know I would be fine and my life would move forward. I don't let anyone on this earth control my happiness or my emotions. You should learn to do that. It makes a world of difference.

I know - that is why I was asking if this could be a rebound fling or a phase? Again, there is a little more to it but I don't want to go into too much detail - but I'm not convinced that she is happy with the decision that she has made - and she has apparently admitted as recently as Friday that she feels very guilty (I know it means nothing but I'm 9 days n/c so it wasn't anything I said or done to bring that on!) I know that can be seen as reaching on my part and I'm not pinning too much on it - but it shows she still thinks about me a little? She clearly didn't feel guilty when she was with this other guy before?

Had you been the only guy in her life until now? She was just a teen when you two started.

That's awesome Oliver! That's what I meant by saying I will never be in this position again! I have been entirely emotionally dependent on her when I thought I was the strong one helping her! That's going to change - but I've disengaged in terms of my presence towards her. She no longer feels my presence and I feel OK about it! I've no reason to contact her and am not finding n/c a challenge any more at this stage! Cheers though for your views though!

Your words say one thing. Your actions say the opposite. We can see that because we are looking in. I don't think you can see that.

Emotional dependency is bad for you. You have to be happy with you, content with you, strong about you, before you can be all those things for and with someone else. Control what you can control. That is your emotions, feelings, actions, etc. Let go and don't expect to control those things you can't control.

Had you been the only guy in her life until now? She was just a teen when you two started out.
Yes - we were both 19. And she had boyfriends before me, but obv. Not as serious as we were? :)

Yes - we were both 19. And she had boyfriends before me, but obv. not as serious as we were? :)
So you stole her youth.

So you stole her youth. actually... she approached me! Lol :D

actually...she approached me! Lol :D
But if I called her up this afternoon, I betcha that is what she would tell me, that she spent her time with only one guy (you) and didn't have a chance to sow her wild oats and date around to find out who she is and what kinds of guys are out there.

Your words say one thing. Your actions say the opposite. We can see that because we are looking in. I don't think you can see that.

Emotional dependency is bad for you. You have to be happy with you, content with you, strong about you, before you can be all those things for and with someone else. Control what you can control. That is your emotions, feelings, actions, etc. Let go and don't expect to control those things you can't control.

I know now that I was dependent - and it'll never happen again as long as I remember this whole ordeal! As for my words and actions being different... in what way? I'm meaning disengaging in the way I act towards her? She no longer has me chasing her or contacting her, and there is a feeling if indifference about that which is helping me heal a bit. That's all I meant.

Wondergirl, you might be right! But it seems a bit odd then to go straight into another relationship that she started before she left me? But if so, does that mean she is trying to recapture her lost youth? If so, that's kind of what GIGS theory is about and sounds more like a phase to me?

Tennis awaits me so I must leave. You sound like a decent guy so use that on someone that deseves it.

Wondergirl, you might be right! But it seems a bit odd then to go straight into another relationship that she started before she left me? But if so, does that mean she is trying to recapture her lost youth? If so, that's kinda what GIGS theory is about and sounds more like a phase to me?
She's too old for phases. Stop trying to justify her disappearance from your life. You've heard the old saw, "The grass is greener...."?

She's too old for phases. Stop trying to justify her disappearance from your life. You've heard the old saw, "The grass is greener...."?
That's what GIGS is = Grass is Greener Syndrome! (I didn't make it up lol) but from what I know about this guy, it isn't greener! (I won't slate the guy though as I don't know a lot about him, and it was her I trusted). I'm getting a bit mixed up here though, she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth? These are the mad things that I just cannot seem to get the answers to and I have tortured myself over them constantly since this happened - not so much now though thankfully! I suppose there's only one person that can give a proper answer and so far she's only offered the usual clichés and no real reasons.

That's what GIGS is = Grass is Greener Syndrome! (I didn't make it up lol) but from what I know about this guy, it isn't greener!
Apparently she thinks so..

she is too old for phases... yet wants to be young again and re-live her lost youth?
Now she is too old for phases and may even regret her lost years spent with you.

She doesn't owe you any explanations or reasons. What is, is.

I would put money on her never returning to you, even if she breaks up with the current guy.

Apparently she thinks so..

Now she is too old for phases and may even regret her lost years spent with you.

She doesn't owe you any explanations or reasons. What is, is.

I would put money on her never returning to you, even if she breaks up with the current guy.

Awesome! After all that time? Commitment is non existent and I don't even deserve an answer? I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love? But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you x

After all that time? Commitment is non existent and I don't even deserve an answer?
Nope. You have your answer in what she has done and how she has done it.

I suppose I should be regretting my lost years too since they seem to count for absolutely nothing?
That's your problem, not hers.

Maybe I'm just wired differently or something, but you don't treat people like this... and especially not the ones you are supposed to love?
Sh** happens and people aren't necessarily kind, even to those they supposedly love.

But I appreciate your honest assessment, it's what I've heard more than any other opinion so not surprised that you see it that way too. Thank you x
After a relationship has ended. There's usually no going back into it later. Too much water has gone under the bridge by then. I've been on this site since 2007 and responding to myriads of Relationship board questions, and have seen only two instances of couples that got back together -- and the reunion didn't last very long ("What were we THINKING?!").

Some fair points there but I suppose it's just my nature - I feel like I've been decent and genuine and loving from day one (despite my flaws which I acknowledge and have worked on) and to me, this is undeserved and unjust. I take your point though that some people are just $hit - but if that applied to her then I wouldn't have put in half as much as I did into our relationship. It's so sudden and it has blindsided me and left me in shock (maybe that's coming across as stubborn but its more from a total lack of understanding, especially looking at what she is giving up and what she is getting - without blowing my trumpet too much!) and yet still... I'm the one that was chasing where it should be easy for me to say good riddance! It's just all messed up and none if it is right!

As for there being no going back... I've slept on this and my experience of relationships is different. Albeit my examples are very concentrated to close family and friends, and the dynamics of some of the relationships differ (we don't have kids together being the obvious one) but I can easily call to mind 10 couples that have gone through similar and reconciled - and that's just people I know! Everyone has a different take on this but your position is the most common one. I'm not comparing us to these other couples and perhaps I am extracting some hope that it does happen... but I know that chasing and begging and moping and pining is not helping anyone! I know you list a lot of points that all indicate she has gone and doesn't give a toss about me anymore, but I have heard differently - although her actions to date do back up your position wondergirl! I know it doesn't sound like it, but she honestly is the most amazing woman on earth, and when you can see past the illness, the attitude, the drinking, the new friends, the new guy, she is still somewhere in there and she is worth fighting for (metaphorically - i.e. fighting with myself and this inner turmoil!) which I know could only prolong my agony before I end up finally accepting my fate! But there are things that have been pointed out to me that have allowed me to take her off the pedestal a wee bit and allowed me to feel more equal and gain back some power... I'm still crazy in love with her but I'm keeping my distance and pouring my heart out on here instead - hope you all don't mind too much?

Obviously your shock hasn't worn off, but it will and the brain will accept the situation despite the heart hollering not to. Rant on, this is the place and you are reacting no different than most of us in the past.

Just food for thought though, divorces happen everyday after all that marriage and commitment meet reality. At least you aren't in court splitting up ASSETS, and only have to count the NC days until the emotional dust settles, after the shock wears off.

I know things could have been a lot worse and people go through worse every single day, and if this wasn't so all consuming I'd be telling myself to pull it together! But my life as I knew it has stopped (the dependency thing... ) and I want to feel "normal" in myself again. I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and "win" her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again! Mind you, she can't see me from 60+ miles away, can she? :(

I'm getting the feeling you are really enjoying this "misery" and have absolutely no intention of trying to get past it.

I know things could have been a lot worse and ppl go through worse every single day, and if this wasn't so all consuming I'd be telling myself to pull it together!! But my life as i knew it has stopped (the dependency thing...) and I want to feel "normal" in myself again. I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and "win" her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again! Mind you, she can't see me from 60+ miles away, can she? :(

I have hesitated posting on your thread due to the other experts offering up their advice. I realize my own advice pales in comparison to theirs!

First, I must say that I sympathize with how you feel, the emotions you have and the dedication to trying to right an already sunken ship. Just from reading your posts, you seem like a very put together and well composed individual. I went through the heartbreak saga myself, as did most everyone else on this board. No amount of comforting or assurance on our part can change the way you feel right now.

All I can say is hang in there. I agree with the fact that you should work on you. Do that for you, not for her, even if you have to fool yourself otherwise for the time being. It will take much time, much healing, and much more sympathizing from others around you and on here before you notice a change. Trust me, you'll notice a change and you will begin to live a normal life again. One you can be truly happy with, regardless of whether she is in it or not. Good luck! I enjoy reading your journey through this and will really enjoy when the sadness turns to happiness.

Talk about Nancy Negative. "But my life as i knew it has stopped" Boo and a Hoo. Your life has stopped because you stopped it. These are conscious choices and decisions that you are making. Just as you decided to stop your life, you can choose to unstop your life and move your life forward.

I don't care what happens, you will never catch me making negative nancy statements ever. Given the choice to have a good day versus a bad day, I choose to have a good day every single day. Because having a good day is the only way to go for me.

I'm getting the feeling you are really enjoying this and have absolutely no intention of trying to get past it.
Is this a serious observation?

Is this a serious observation??

Oh heck yes, from more than just Wondergirl.

Oh heck yes, from more than just Wondergirl.
How can anyone enjoy this? Am I missing something?

Is this a serious observation??
Absolutely! And I gave Oliver a greenie for saying pretty much the same thing soon after I posted this. You are thoroughly enjoying wallowing in your misery.

We're already at almost 60 posts and you aren't even trying to heal, but are still bemoaning your fate and wondering how to get her back. SHE IS GONE!

How can anyone enjoy this? Am I missing something?

Many people seek attention from many different ways. Some people feed off negative things and actions. It is just the way it is with some people.

Sorry, I'm not following this! I am healing - you should have seen/heard me 3 months ago! Thriving and enjoying feeling utterly devastated and discarded is a new one on me! And OK, 60 comments later but there are other people offering their opinions, which don't necessarily match yours and they are just as relevant as both of yours. I mean no disrespect, but to suggest I am enjoying this is way off the mark!

Relax, and expect to be challenged. A bit of anger is good in the first stages of NO CONTACT. Makes you hit the gym, or something strenuous. :D

Sorry, I'm not following this! I am healing - you should have seen/heard me 3 months ago!! Thriving and enjoying feeling utterly devastated and discarded is a new one on me! And ok, 60 comments later but there are other people offering their opinions, which don't necessarily match yours and they are just as relevant as both of yours. I mean no disrespect, but to suggest I am enjoying this is way off the mark!
I'm just chewing around on this --

"I just seem to get to a point where I feel strong enough to function and then I use that strength to try and 'win' her back! It's not worked so far so I need a different approach... One where she is the person doing the chasing! I can't make her (or anyone) love me - but she did love me once and all I can do now is work on me and maybe she will see the person she fell in love with again!"

Sorry, I'm not following this! I am healing - you should have seen/heard me 3 months ago!! Thriving and enjoying feeling utterly devastated and discarded is a new one on me! And ok, 60 comments later but there are other people offering their opinions, which don't necessarily match yours and they are just as relevant as both of yours. I mean no disrespect, but to suggest I am enjoying this is way off the mark!

I've said all I can say. I know what I've told you works and it works well. It is your choice to use it or not. It is my choice to be a positive person and to have good days despite what anyone does. If you choose to have bad days well then have bad days.

Thank you tiger - I am having days where I feel like I'm over the worst of it and I can actually enjoy myself, even although the thought of her is still with me, but I can't seem to string a few days together like that just now, it's very up and down! I am determined though to never be in this position again and will continue to work on myself, physically as well! I know attraction faded! I hope the outcome I want does happen but even if it doesn't, I still want to see the back of this hell as soon as possible!

... on the subject of n/c - I know it's a tool to allow me to sort myself out without setting myself back, and I removed myself off Facebook to help me heal. As I've gotten stronger emotionally this past week, I added myself back on and have been very busy socially through it as in people looking to catch up and chat. However, a lot of these people are mutual friends. Now it was suggested to me previously on another site that whilst in n/c, this will also allow her time to miss me - and to feel my lack of presence? It seems to have gone that way a little (albeit she isn't breaking the door down or asking to talk to me!) but I'm just wondering if being in contact with mutual friends sort of dilutes n/c? Not that we are passing messages to each other through friends, but is there still a "lack of presence" where she can see my activities (which - lets face it - on Facebook, are deliberately positive all the time!)?

...on the subject of n/c - I know it's a tool to allow me to sort myself out without setting myself back, and I removed myself off Facebook to help me heal. As I've gotten stronger emotionally this past week, I added myself back on and have been very busy socially through it as in ppl looking to catch up and chat. However, a lot of these people are mutual friends. Now it was suggested to me previously on another site that whilst in n/c, this will also allow her time to miss me - and to feel my lack of presence?? It seems to have gone that way a little (albeit she isn't breaking the door down or asking to talk to me!) but I'm just wondering if being in contact with mutual friends sort of dilutes n/c? Not that we are passing messages to each other through friends, but is there still a "lack of presence" where she can see my activities (which - lets face it - on Facebook, are deliberately positive all the time!)?

I know for me when I did the whole "NC" thing I made it a point to only talk to those friends who weren't considered mutual, or at least those friends who didn't talk to her on any regular basis. Seeing the truly mutual friends just makes it awkward and drags up memories that frankly you don't want. Just to make a point, going no contact isn't about making her miss you, which is a common misconception. It is about healing and learning to make decisions not based on emotions but on facts, reality, and a healthy perspective of living a life you enjoy. I'm all for being social, and you should definitely take advantage of every opportunity you have, no matter how much you don't feel like it at times.

I mean this with all honesty and sincerity, if a girl chose another guy over me, then I swear I don't care how much "feelings" I had for her, it is over. There is no going back in my book. I refuse to be a backup plan, and you shouldn't allow yourself this option either. I don't think anyone should. There is a lot of tough love in this thread, and that is understandable. It isn't to demean you or make your feelings unjustifiable. The ultimate goal is to seize the power you have to get up off your butt and refuse defeat... to realize your own self worth, which is obviously much higher than being there for someone who chose another guy over you.

It's incredible how up and down this makes me feel - good night last night but all of today has been gut-wrenchingly painful - for no apparent reason? I've caved in and left a v/mail for her telling her there is more mail in for her and other things to be collected from the house! This is the most defeatist and helpless I've felt in weeks and I don't understand why when it seemed to be going calmly enough the past 2 weeks? My emotions are so volatile and I'm not used to that. I instantly regretted contacting her! I'm going to try and not let it wipe out how far I've come and I think I'd have had to contact her to sort it soon anyway but I'm going to be hard on myself now and take Facebook out of the picture for another month or so and this time I will keep away from mutual friends and become a hermit lol - that way I can't make things any more bloody difficult on myself - I suppose it comes back to the original question - she cheated so why am I the one interested in trying to save us? I've never felt angry toward her and I haven't said a bad word against her, but this second I am feeling the anger overtake my hurt and I'm no longer prepared to be her victim - but I don't want to do anything stupid to make the situation even worse!

Our whole lives are spent dealing with reality and what it throws at us, and coping with our own feelings, hopefully in positive ways as you learn and grow. Maybe this is new to you, but it will be repeated several times in your life until your experience and self awareness gets to a higher level.

For now you live through the growing pains. Some learn quicker than others, and seem to deal with the roller coaster of life better, but it never gets easier, you handle it better as you go. You will get there, and be better for it.

Thanks talaniman - I just don't want to set myself back further! And I don't want to wreck whatever pathetically slim chances there are of reconciliation because I can't keep on top of my feelings! Thank you for your comments - I suppose I haven't done anything catastrophic and all I've done is have a bit of a wobble! I thought it was too good to be true and was finding it a breeze... need to take a deep breath and try to get emotions under wraps a bit better - more work needed!

I always thinks it's not the day to day fall downs that matter. It's the long term. I've been in n/c relationships, trying to heal, and then decided to call for whatever reason - and had to start all over again.

And so that's what I did - I started all over again. Forgave myself and started over.

I always thinks it's not the day to day fall downs that matter. It's the long term. I've been in n/c relationships, trying to heal, and then decided to call for whatever reason - and had to start all over again.

And so that's what I did - I started all over again. Forgave myself and started over.thanks for that judy - I suppose at least this time I was a bit more composed but still - shouldn't have wasted my energy on it and am kicking myself for it! Ach I'm just kidding myself folks... it doesn't matter what I do - it doesn't bring her back to me! She doesn't care because she's moved on and has other things to think about - its just me that's stuck back here facing the memories every day and going through this pain! I seriously hope this never happens to her - and I'm feeling at this point that I would rather go through this pain than be responsible for inflicting it on someone else (not to be confused with enjoying it! ) my eyes have been open as to just how people can actually be - I've been so naïve! The first 2 months I've been denying that any of this has been voluntary on her part but now when you look at it... reality bites!

You need to cut yourself some slack, be kinder to yourself.

If a friend came to you and said exactly what you are saying you'd tell the friend to forgive himself/herself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, doing what humans do.

You need to cut yourself some slack, be kinder to yourself.

If a friend came to you and said exactly what you are saying you'd tell the friend to forgive himself/herself.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, doing what humans do.Thank you Judy, you say you've been in n/c relationships? How did that turn out for you if you don't mind me asking?

No problem - it was a lengthy, painful process. There were times when I considered breaking my own fingers to keep me from texting, calling, writing. As you say, it hurt like h*ll - and then one day I realized he'd done me a favor. The relationship would have gone on and on, back and forth, if he hadn't REALLY made a fatal "mistake."

Some time later I ran into him. He was interested. I no longer was and I had a "what was I thinking?" moment.

I don't know if I changed... or he did.

Ok - after my capitulation yesterday, I've been confronted by frank, honest advice from friends and family! ACCEPTANCE! Is difficult - and yes, I have been incredibly stubborn! Constantly thinking she is wrong and I'm right and I WILL fix something that she doesn't want to fix - and the reasons she has for this she will not share with me! I have to accept that this has all happened to me and, yes it is $hitty, and yea it is unjust and hurts like hell, but people sometimes do these kinds of things and it happens to millions of people all over the world! My ideals and perception of people will have to change - I always thought good deserves good... but there are answers that I must accept that I'll never get! Now I'm trying to turn this on its head - instead of forcing myself to believe she is coming back and having anxiety attacks when I feel the inevitable getting closer, I must choose ACCEPTANCE that there is no going back and remind myself that, for all the mistakes I've made, it is her that has decided to put me through this - and made me feel like this for whatever reason - and that there is no true hope of her coming back into my arms based on ANYTHING I do or say - and I must learn to control my emotions and not allow false hopes to come to the surface any longer because they are holding me in this purgatory... and I've let them! I cannot choose to simply have good days and this road is going to be hellish and I am fighting tears as I write this - but it can't get any worse than the road I've been on to this point of "realisation". I now understand the tough love on here! Please help me through this someone - I pray every night for strength, guidance, and hope that she will come back to me - that last part is going to have to change I suppose! I will admit that I am terrified that I am turning my back on the real love of my life when it could perhaps all be a huge mistake, but I have to ACCEPT that it might not be, and that it is her decision anyway and I'm powerless to change it! I feel so sad but I think this is the right path?

Ok - after my capitulation yesterday, I've been confronted by frank, honest advice from friends and family! ACCEPTANCE!! Is difficult - and yes, I have been incredibly stubborn! Constantly thinking she is wrong and I'm right and I WILL fix something that she doesn't want to fix - and the reasons she has for this she will not share with me! I have to accept that this has all happened to me and, yes it is $hitty, and yea it is unjust and hurts like hell, but people sometimes do these kinds of things and it happens to millions of people all over the world! My ideals and perception of people will have to change - I always thought good deserves good...but there are answers that I must accept that I'll never get! Now I'm trying to turn this on its head - instead of forcing myself to believe she is coming back and having anxiety attacks when I feel the inevitable getting closer, I must choose ACCEPTANCE that there is no going back and remind myself that, for all the mistakes I've made, it is her that has decided to put me through this - and made me feel like this for whatever reason - and that there is no true hope of her coming back into my arms based on ANYTHING I do or say - and I must learn to control my emotions and not allow false hopes to come to the surface any longer because they are holding me in this purgatory...and I've let them! I cannot choose to simply have good days and this road is going to be hellish and I am fighting tears as I write this - but it can't get any worse than the road I've been on to this point of "realisation". I now understand the tough love on here! Please help me through this someone - I pray every night for strength, guidance, and hope that she will come back to me - that last part is going to have to change I suppose! I will admit that I am terrified that I am turning my back on the real love of my life when it could perhaps all be a huge mistake, but I have to ACCEPT that it might not be, and that it is her decision anyway and I'm powerless to change it! I feel so sad but I think this is the right path?

It is possible that she decided to move on because you tend to wrap around one subject for a very long time without letting it go or moving it forward. If you treat every action/reaction/thought/behavior/decision like you have treated this one, then I can see how painful it would be for her or how she might want to move away from you. You can tell us you don't, but based on what I've seen and read I probably wouldn't believe you.

Sometimes crappy things happen to good and bad people. Sometimes you just have to accept it and move on. Honestly dude you would be a tough one to hang around if this is how you react to everything. And I am guessing it is. I would honestly hate to be stuck on any one thing or multiple things for that matter.

I wouldn't say so Oliver - this is a pretty big, life changing event for me - I maybe analyse and fixate on things a bit much but from what I understand my reactions to all this, albeit protracted, are fairly common and to be expected. On the other hand, if I had no emotions and decided just to deflect and deny my feelings then I think I'd be in a worse place - it might have taken some time, but I have to say, I don't think I'd be able to hang around someone with so little empathy or understanding such as yourself? Maybe our personalities clash but don't worry, I won't be having the same trouble getting over you! ;) She stood by me for 7 and a half years so I can't be all that bad pal!

I don't think I'd be able to hang around someone with so little empathy or understanding such as yourself?
Oliver has neatly summed up the situation -- you chew and rechew and re-rechew.

Move forward and stop spinning your wheels.

My thinking? It never hurts to hope, perhaps even pray (although this is not a religious board) for what we hope will happen, for what we think we need. You also have to be realistic.

Keep walking forward, keep hoping, maybe even keep the door open - but remain realistic. Chances are she is not coming back.

Question - if she calls tomorrow, all apologies, wants to come back - would you take her back? With me, my partner cheated, I could almost accept the cheating. I couldn't get past the lying.

Oliver has neatly summed up the situation -- you chew and rechew and re-rechew.

Move forward and stop spinning your wheels.moving forward - please read above ^^ thank you

LOL, how many day of NC o far?? We may be a bit impatient with your progress, but don't you be. :)

My thinking? It never hurts to hope, perhaps even pray (although this is not a religious board) for what we hope will happen, for what we think we need. You also have to be realistic.

Keep walking forward, keep hoping, maybe even keep the door open - but remain realistic. Chances are she is not coming back.

Question - if she calls tomorrow, all apologies, wants to come back - would you take her back? With me, my partner cheated, I could almost accept the cheating. I couldn't get past the lying.I always said there were 2 things that would spell the end of us - drugs and cheating! My prev ex cheated on me 3 times, but it never hurt as much as this! But still, Ive been chasing to get her back - I can't explain why as I always thought I'd be clear-cut about this issue? Maybe it's the belief that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and that we all make mistakes but my issue is also more to do with what has happened since she left rather than the cheating! I'm trying not to think of her coming back at all Judy and accepting that she's decided to move on (some time ago!). Maybe I will say a silent prayer that she comes back at night but other than that I have to accept she won't and that way I won't keep disappointing myself if you get me? Maybe my logic is flawed but it seems to be sitting better with me today than my slip-up yesterday? What do you think pal?


LOL, how many day of NC o far??? We may be a bit impatient with your progress, but don't you be. :)

It's been 20 hours since my last failure! Lol forgive me, I honestly am trying! What can I say, I bloody love the woman!

I wouldn't say so Oliver - this is a pretty big, life changing event for me - I maybe analyse and fixate on things a bit much but from what I understand my reactions to all this, albeit protracted, are fairly common and to be expected. On the other hand, if I had no emotions and decided just to deflect and deny my feelings then I think I'd be in a worse place - it might have taken some time, but I have to say, I don't think I'd be able to hang around someone with so little empathy or understanding such as yourself? Maybe our personalities clash but dont worry, i wont be having the same trouble getting over you! ;) She stood by me for 7 and a half years so I can't be all that bad pal!

This isn't about me but I am very emotional and too caring. And I didn't say you were all bad. In fact I said in an earlier post you seemed like a decent guy. The difference is I don't allow anyone to control my emotions/behaviors/feelings at all.

My partner is a huge part of my life. But my partner is not my whole life. If we broke up sure I would be sad, but I know that my life would go on without a huge interruption.

When you ask for people's perspectives on here, try reading and accepting them without slamming the person giving you advice.

"I always said there were 2 things that would spell the end of us - drugs and cheating! My prev ex cheated on me 3 times, but it never hurt as much as this! But still, Ive been chasing to get her back - I can't explain why as I always thought I'd be clear-cut about this issue? Maybe it's the belief that everyone deserves a 2nd chance and that we all make mistakes but my issue is also more to do with what has happened since she left rather than the cheating! I'm trying not to think of her coming back at all Judy and accepting that she's decided to move on (some time ago!). Maybe I will say a silent prayer that she comes back at night but other than that I have to accept she won't and that way I won't keep disappointing myself if you get me? Maybe my logic is flawed but it seems to be sitting better with me today than my slip-up yesterday? What do you think pal?"

Print this out and paste it on your forehead - "
Give yourself a break."

It's little steps, and it's time - and right now you can't see beyond the breakup. It's a loss, like a death. Take time to grieve.

This isn't about me but I am very emotional and too caring. And I didn't say you were all bad. In fact I said in an earlier post you seemed like a decent guy. The difference is I don't allow anyone to control my emotions/behaviors/feelings at all.

My partner is a huge part of my life. But my partner is not my whole life. If we broke up sure I would be sad, but I know that my life would go on without a huge interruption.

When you ask for people's perspectives on here, try reading and accepting them without slamming the person giving you advice. sorry if I upset you Oliver - I must be in the minority then that feels like their world has collapsed and have to build it up again? I appreciate the perspective and advice as I've already said, but again, there are other opinions and perspectives being offered. I'm not slamming you, but have a lot on my mind right now as you can tell!

I have been more than sympathetic. I have a great deal of respect for Oliver. We all do.

Please don't turn passive/aggressive on him - "I must be in the minority then that feels like their world has collapsed and have to build it up again? "

I'm now going to argue against myself - and maybe I missed it.

Did she give you any explanation at all, an explanation of how long the "other guy" had been going on, what she saw as problems in your relationship, anything? Sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes it's more than that.

I do not think 3 months "grieving" over a 7-1/2 year relationship is excessive.

I'm now going to argue against myself - and maybe I missed it.

Did she give you any explanation at all, an explanation of how long the "other guy" had been going on, what she saw as problems in your relationship, anything? Sometimes people just grow apart. Sometimes it's more than that.

I do not think 3 months "grieving" over a 7-1/2 year relationship is excessive.
She met this guy 2 weeks before it all happened! She met him through a workmate at the girls flat (the workmate is no longer friends with either of them because of all this!) I met the guy later that night! I have no idea how many times they met up after this but my fiancée stayed away from nearly a week telling me she was with friends and going out with teammates. There were some reasons given but the reasons changed constantly - never got a reason for cheating though, just an admission of guilt and she took the responsibility, saying he had nothing to do with it? Sorry if that's a bit sketchy Judy - let me know if you need specifics. And my apologies if prev comments to Oliver came over as passive aggressive - I think as much as I don't like to admit it, it is his advice that is prevailing here so apologies again! I suppose I just wish I was able to realise I was totally dependent and have my own space the way he has! If you read this, sorry mate :)

No apologies necessary. I know saying no one controls my emotions but me sounds cold, but it is truly emotionally healthy. My partner and I are very close and I hope we are together forever. But we both realize that we need separate activities and friends. Also if something were to happen to us we would both have those friends and activities to help in the healing. Control what you can and don't allow those things that you can't control to control you. Trust me - it does work.